The Half-Life of Shoes

Name Picking

2008-12-17T11:46:00.006-06:00

As you know Mrs. Shoes & I are pregnant. So one of the biggest dilemmas we have is what to name our child so that they don't get the crap beat out of them in school. So I thought I had the perfect name picked out, but then I read this story where a little boy was denied a personalized birthday cake by the local supermarket simply because of his name: Adolf Hitler Campbell. Well, I guess that name gets crossed off our list then. *sigh* And that worked so perfectly for either a boy or a girl, too.

Elmo wishes Happy Birthday to Adolf Hitler Schumann?? I guess he'll never have that chance...

New V.P. Candidate??

2008-11-06T11:52:00.003-06:00

On the heels of finding out that John McCain's idea of a qualified Vice Presidential candidate involves being able to win a snowmobile race with a broken arm (or better yet, being married to someone who did), I'd like to present my own V.P. candidate:

Authorities in Arizona say a jogger attacked by a rabid fox ran a mile with the animal's jaws clamped on her arm and then drove herself to a hospital. The Yavapai County sheriff's office said the woman told deputies she was on a trail near Prescott on Monday when the fox attacked and bit her foot.

She said she grabbed the fox by the neck when it went for her leg but it bit her arm. The woman wanted the animal tested for rabies so she ran a mile to her car with the fox still biting her arm, then pried it off and tossed it in her trunk and drove to the Prescott hospital.

The sheriff's office says the fox later bit an animal control officer. He and the woman are both receiving rabies vaccinations.
Forget the rabies vaccinations. I want a person in government who is so angry that they are literally foaming at the mouth! This is my candidate!!

Oh sure, nooooow you tell us....

2008-11-04T13:49:00.004-06:00

You know, when John McCain first announced that Sarah Palin was going to be his running mate in the Presidential election, I couldn't stop wondering why. What made him think she was qualified -- other than the obvious reasons like being mayor of a 6,000 person town and being able to see Russia from her home state, of course.

Well, on the day of the actual election, at 1:30pm CST, John McCain spoke in Colorado. He was thanking Palin for invigorating his party, and then he apparently let slip what he feels the qualifications are to be in the Executive Branch of the United States government:

"You know, [Palin]'s got a husband, whose name is Todd and she calls him First Dude. Her husband Todd is a four-time world champion in (a) snowmobile race across Alaska in the middle of winter. One time he was running this race and broke his arm with 250 miles to go and still won. I THINK HE'S READY FOR WASHINGTON, D.C., AND SO IS SHE!"
He waits until NOW to let people know that's all it takes?? I guess I can imagine the likes of Tom Ridge and Mitt Romney kicking themselves, thinking "If only I had a wife who raced snowmobiles with a broken limb!" It just goes to show that you really do need to be particular when vetting your spouse....much more so than vetting a V.P. candidate at least.

There Is Nothing To Fear But Barack Obama

2008-10-27T12:43:00.005-05:00

With only a week to go until the General Election I'm hearing a lot of worry that Barack Obama will win the U.S. Presidency. According to many, if he wins the election the effects on this country would be truly terrifying. I've made a list of the top 10 concerns that I've run across, showing us what we should be afraid of in President Obama's first term. Fair warning: it's horrible.

#1) Barack Obama is a Muslim and the U.S. Constitution will immediately be translated into Arabic once he takes office. Our currency will be changed to say "In Allah We Trust". Christianity will be banned.

#2) Since Barack Obama is a Muslim terrorist, and is supported by them as well, he will appoint his fellow terrorists to his cabinet. Osama bin Laden will be the new Secretary of State. The prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba will be released and become Washington lobbyists for the Pro-Suicide Bombing movement.

#3) President Obama will sit down with Iran's Mahmoud Achmedinejad and together they'll figure out which countries -- along with Israel, of course -- to wipe off the map. Obama will trade nuclear weapons with Iran, in return for a new finely-woven prayer rug.

#4) The troops from Iraq will be brought home immediately in defeat. But as their transport planes land in the States, the terrorists will be landing behind them, following them home to fight us here. The initial battles will take place at Baggage Claim.

#5) We will not be able to protect ourselves from these terrorists because Obama will pass laws to take away all of our guns. In fact, it will be illegal to possess any type of weapon at all, including knives and sharp sticks. The new social-issue question of our time will be how to define the word "sharp" as people will differ on its ambiguous meaning.

#6) Abortion will not only remain legal, but it will become mandatory. Every woman shall be required to have at least one abortion or be subject to pay a fine. In fact, tax credits will be offered for multiple abortions. The question of "When does life actually begin?" will be answered once and for all: 6 months after birth. This will now be the legal timeline of when a child can be aborted.

#7) Teachers in the inner-cities will now be paid $240,000/year, falling just below the next tax bracket. All of the good teachers will move to the inner-cities, providing quality education to the poor and minority children. These inner-city children will begin making the highest test scores, and the suburban white children will be left behind with inadequate teachers. The suburban parents will complain that it is unfair.

#8) Reparations for slavery will begin slowly, but immediately. Once a week, for 10 minutes, black students will be allowed to beat the crap out of white students.

#9) The tax on businesses making $250,000/year or more will be raised to 80%, inspiring business owners to work less hours and provide fewer services, so as not to be so successful. The tax money will be used to pay $65,000/year to the 40% of Americans who are lazy and unemployed -- they will not be taxed on this income, continuing their time-honored tradition of not paying federal taxes.

#10) All plumbers will actually have to become licensed to plumb legally, let alone buy a plumbing business, completely screwing Joe.

2-Year Anniversary Vetting Surprise

2008-10-07T12:02:00.004-05:00

Wow, how 2 years flies by.... Today, Mrs. Shoes and I celebrate our 2nd Wedding Anniversary. And while I would love to call my beautiful wife a goddess, apparently up until now she's only been vetted for that role in the same fashion that Sarah Palin was vetted for Vice President. But according to Hindu and Buddhist priests in Katmandu, Nepal, 3-year old Matani Shakya has been declared a living goddess or "kumari".

"A panel of judges conducted a series of ancient ceremonies to select the goddess from several 2- to 4-year-old girls....The judges read the candidates' horoscopes and check each one for physical imperfections. The living goddess must have perfect hair, eyes, teeth and skin with no scars, and should not be afraid of the dark."
That's right. No nightlights for these wannabe goddesses. 2-4 year old girls must learn that there's simply nothing to fear from the dark. Which is why "As a final test, the living goddess must spend a night alone in a room among the heads of ritually slaughtered goats and buffaloes without showing fear."

So Happy Anniversary Sweetie! I've always wanted to call you my goddess, and now I finally know how to prove it. It was kind of difficult to round up a buffalo, but....ah well, see ya tonight!!

This is great!!

2008-09-29T12:47:00.003-05:00

I've got to say that Tina Fey does such a fantastic job as Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live. Just watch a few exceprts of Tina Fey's satirical portrayal of Palin's interview with Katie Couric.

AND...

Wow!! Now THAT was hysterical.

Tina Fey just nailed the-- what? I'm sorry, that was the actual interview of Sarah Palin??? Well, I guess it's still funny...and would probably be more so except that some people still think she's ready to be in the White House.

The 2008 Election

2008-09-06T17:09:00.007-05:00

The ad campaigns for President have begun. Whether or not they're true is a different matter altogether. Unfortunately, not nearly enough people in this country take the 5-10 minutes necessary to research whether or not a candidate's claims are true or false. The internet is the quickest, easiest way to get unbiased, non-partisan views that aren't clouded by politics.

**Change**

The Republican party is actually attempting to run a campaign based upon "change" when they've been in power for the last 8 years. I don't know if it's unprecedented or not, but it's certainly something that is strange to witness.

Barack Obama has a powerful line of argument, though, when he says that John McCain has voted in line with Bush 95% of the time. Is this true? Factcheck.org wrote:

The claim is true. According to Congressional Quarterly's Voting Studies, in 2007 McCain voted in line with the president's position 95 percent of the time – the highest percentage rate for McCain since Bush took office – and voted in line with his party 90 percent of the time. However, McCain's support of President Bush's position has been as low as 77 percent (in 2005), and his support for his party's position has been as low as 67 percent (2001).

So are people actually going to believe McCain when he says that he represents the change that Washington needs? It remains to be seen, but the record certainly indicates that they shouldn't.

**Do-Nothing Congress**

This 110th Congress has been criticized for being a "Do-Nothing Congress" and has received record low approval ratings falling below that of even President Bush's ratings. Is this a fair assessment of the new Democratic majority?

Yes and no. The truth is that the Congress has not accomplished a great number of things. However, people have to think "ok, why is that?" The main answer is the filibuster. According to the New York Times, back in December 2007:

"So far in this first year of the 110th Congress, there have been 72 motions to stop filibusters, most on the Iraq war but also on routine issues like reauthorizing Amtrak funding. There were 68 such motions in the full two years of the previous Congress, 53 in 1987-88 and 23 in 1977-78."

In fact, also quoted in the article is the leader of a conservative research group in Washington who says that the Republicans are turning the filibuster into a primary strategy.

Again, will the strategy work? To filibuster more than any other Congress in history in just the first year of a 2-year cycle, but then leave that part out when you say that the Democratic-led Congress hasn't done anything? It remains to be seen.

**Economy**

With the U.S. economy in such poor shape, this will play a major role in who a lot of people cast their vote for. John McCain has repeatedly said that the economy is strong, we're not headed into a recession and that the times have been prosperous with low unemployment. He has said that the economic problems are "psychological".
Yet, are people going to still listen to McCain when he says that he can fix the economy, when he doesn't even admit the economy is a problem?

**Taxes**

McCain and Obama have both offered up their tax proposals as well. The Republicans love to say that the Democrats will raise your taxes, and it's proven to be a great campaign asset for them thru the years. However, in this campaign, McCain is still using that argument when the facts actually show differently.

Since my words won't express it as well as the column's, here is an article that Newsweek published about a McCain ad that attacked Obama's tax proposals:

"We spoke with Len Berman, director of the nonpartisan Urban-Brookings Tax Policy Center, which has produced one of the most authoritative analyses of the two candidates' tax plans. When we asked him if Obama's claim that he would 'cut taxes for 95 percent of all working families' was true, Berman told FactCheck.org that it was 'consistent with our estimates.' Overall, the TPC found that Obama's plan would produce a tax cut for 81.3 percent of all households, and a cut for 95.5 percent of all households with children.

"Under Obama's plan, the TPC estimates that people (or couples) making between $37,595 and $66,354 a year would see an average savings of $1,118 on their taxes.

"Under McCain's plan, on the other hand, those same individuals would save $325 on average — $793 less than the average savings under Obama's plan.

"[McCain's] ad also claims that Obama and congressional Democrats would bring about 'years of deficits.' But (and we've reported this before, too), the fact is both candidates' economic plans would fail to bring an end to deficit spending, and by that measure, McCain's is worse than Obama's. According to the TPC analysis, Obama's tax plan would increase the debt by $3.5 trillion by 2018, while McCain's plan would bring about a projected $5 trillion increase in the same time frame.

"The Obama campaign maintains that the Tax Policy Center's estimates don't account for Obama's proposed spending cuts, including things like ending the Iraq war. But those cuts will not come close to balancing the budget, and Obama has avoided promising a balanced budget during his first term.

"McCain, however, has said he will balance the budget by 2013. Experts remain skeptical. In early July, The New York Times quoted Robert L. Bixby, executive director of the Concord Coalition — a bipartisan fiscal responsibility advocacy group — as saying the claim was 'unlikely':

"Robert L. Bixby (as quoted by The New York Times, July 8): 'It's feasible to balance the budget by 2013, but very unlikely under the policies Senator McCain has proposed. The spending cuts are far too vague to be counted on for significant savings and, even if they were more specific, I can't see how they would come close to offsetting the level of tax cuts he recommends.'

"McCain senior economic adviser Douglas Holtz-Eakin sent The Washington Post's editorial board a copy of McCain's plan in support of the candidate's claim. But the board concluded, in its July 14 editorial, that the plan was '"not credible'."

But will people actually pay attention to this? Or will they just assume that the Democrats raise taxes for everyone, period? It remains to be seen, but hopefully people can pay attention to this.

**Experience**

This was a hot-button topic for a long time. McCain accused Obama of not having any experience. The entire right-wing accused him of this. And then McCain went and nominated Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin for his Vice President.

Obviously, there has been much talk of Palin lately because she's new on the scene. No one knows anything about her, so as journalists try to find things out, stories get reported on. They question her readiness to be the V.P. of the United States...and Palin criticizes the media for it. Isn't it their job to ask these questions?

Now I know that Jon Stewart isn't a news source, and his main -- and only -- job is to be humorous, but he and his staff put together a really funny, yet accurate, clip regarding the Sarah Palin nomination:

The great part about guys like Stewart, besides just being really funny, are their ability to find clips and quotes of people when they contradict themselves when it suits them politically.

So it comes down to "executive experience". The McCain party claimed that Palin is qualified for the Vice Presidency because she has more executive experience than either Obama or Joe Biden combined. They never mention the fact that she has more executive experience than John McCain as well.

And what does her experience boil down to? Mayor of a town that had less than 10,000 people in it, and governor of the 47th most populous state in the union. In fact, when she ran for mayor of Wasilla, AK she won the position with a total of 909 votes. She then hired a lobbyist to secure $27 million in federal funds for the small town, even though she says that she is against Washington earmarks.

Palin became governor of Alaska in Dec. 2006. When she ran for the office one of her platforms was to continue securing federal funds for the "Bridge to Nowhere", a bridge that would replace the ferry between Ketchikan, AK to the Ketchikan Int'l Airport located on an island. Once elected governor, Palin changed her mind on the issue...and then trying to take credit for her stance against earmarks gave her famous line "thanks, but no thanks" in her V.P. acceptance speech.

As governor, I really thought that being in charge of the National Guard would stand in her favor. And I read this which looked good for her:
"Maj. Gen. Craig Campbell, adjutant general of the Alaska National Guard, considers Palin 'extremely responsive and smart' and says she is in charge when it comes to in-state services, such as emergencies and natural disasters where the National Guard is the first responder."
That's a pretty darn good endorsement. Of course, it was immediately followed by this:
"But, in an interview with The Associated Press on Sunday, [Maj. Gen. Craig Campbell] said he and Palin play no role in national defense activities, even when they involve the Alaska National Guard. The entire operation is under federal control, and the governor is not briefed on situations."

If you watched the Republican National Convention, the majority of speeches were ridiculing and mocking the Obama campaign. They said the right things in order to fire up their base, igniting chants of "Drill Baby Drill" and "USA USA". While I don't doubt that the Republicans have the best intentions of the United States at heart, their mocking attitude of superiority is sickening. I honestly tried to like Sarah Palin during her speech...I liked her when she talked about her family; however, I despised her for not telling us about herself politically, but rather jumping on the offensive and resorting to sarcastic remarks about the oppostition. That didn't make her look fresh or new as the McCain campaign had hoped for. It made her look like just another Republican politician.

In summary, I just wish that people would take the 5-10 minutes to research something that they hear the politicians, and the pundits, talk about. Figure out if their claims are true. Make your voting decisions based upon policies, not about who you'd rather have in your kitchen for dinner. Because they're not coming to your house....but their decisions as President will effect what happens inside of it.

Prager-licious

2008-08-26T10:07:00.004-05:00

Graffiti is probably going to be the evil force that destroys America. The perpetrators of this crime are called 'taggers'. There's only one way to stop them: With a gun.

I'm wondering why there aren't more voices on the airwaves out there preaching the kind of good morals and behavior of Dennis Prager. His words of wisdom move me to tears sometimes. (Can you cry from shame?) Recently, Dennis wrote a column about graffiti vandals and also talked about it on his radio show. He said:

"So you will now say -- I hear the voice of an ACLU member -- 'Dennis, do you think that this guy should have shot these people spray painting graffiti on his shop?' To which my answer is yes. I do. Not to kill. Not to kill. But if he shot them in the legs or in the arms I would have considered the man one of the great advancers of civilization in my time. And that is what divides left from right. Because anybody on the left hearing this would think that this is barbaric whereas I consider not stopping these people in any way that is necessary to be barbaric."

How can anyone with an ounce of sanity not agree with this? OF COURSE the crime of graffiti deserves the punishment of being shot by a civilian taking the law into their own hands. How does this not make sense to people?

I'm sure that everyone who owns a handgun is a REALLY good shot with it. So right off the bat, we can erase the possibility of error from the equation. There would absolutely be no chance of anything going wrong like, say, missing the target and hitting an innocent bystander by mistake. And let's not forget that Prager suggests/urges that people shoot these vandals not to kill. Not to kill. Only to wound them by shooting them in the leg or arm. But couldn't the shooter accidently miss the leg and hit the torso by accident, possibly killing the tagger? This is a tough one... Dennis, do you have anything for us?

"I have no desire to see a graffiti vandal killed....But if enough taggers are wounded, their assault on civilization will decline dramatically. And if one accidentally dies? That would be a tragedy. But here is the bottom line: More innocent people will die if tagging is not stopped than if it is."

Exaclty! So a young kid dies. Yeah, that's awful, but probably for the best in the end. I mean, we all know that there is absolutely no way of reaching young kids and educating them, so really the only other option is shooting them.

Also, Dennis couldn't be more right in calling the shooter in an incident like this "one of the great advancers of civilization in my time." Now, some people might balk at this statement, saying that it's the lunatic rantings of an ignorant, blinded blowhard. But let's be honest: Dennis' "time" only includes the likes of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks and John F. Kennedy to name a few. Those people can't be compared to a hardware store owner who shoots a 15-year old kid in the leg for spray-painting, can they?

Mr. Prager also brings up another great point in his column:

"...Conservatives tend to view higher civilization as more fragile than the left views it. Conservatives believe the line between civilization and barbarism is under constant assault and is not necessarily enduring. That is one reason the right tends to have a higher regard for the police than does the left. Conservatives see the police as 'the thin blue line' that separates civilization from barbarians."

And people want to say that Conservatives try to spread their agenda by fear?? How so?? Just because they're afraid of everything??

I mean, obviously Conservatives on the right "have a higher regard for the police", and demonstrate that higher regard for the police by going around them and condoning citizens to take the law into their own hands.

Because that's what the police want, need and expect of us, right? To simply remove them from the equation. Why are more of us simply not skipping the whole legal process and moving directly to punishment doled out at our own discretion? That ought to help to further separate a civilized society from barabarism.

Dennis lives in reality. Plain and simple. He says: "My first wish is that taggers be arrested and punished. I also wish for world peace and a cure for cancer. But the real-life choice is almost always between taggers getting away with their vandalism and an irate citizen taking action."
So how do we solve these problems? Well, since world peace is impossible, we should just invade other countries and force upon them our own ideals. And since arresting and punishing a graffiti vandal is impossible we should just have ordinary citizens take the law into their own hands, ignoring all aspects of due process, and shoot the criminals. So, sticking with this same thought-process, why are we so leniant on cancer? Shouldn't we be more aggressive? Couldn't we just try invading cancer? We could try shooting it. Because as Conservatives know, a gun can solve anything.

So, learning from Dennis Prager here, please good citizens, if you happen to see a vandal spray-painting a wall, garage or storefront, please don't call the police. Have a little respect for them by making their job easier and shooting the vandal yourself. Ahhhhhh, if you're really quiet you can almost hear the advancement of civilization with every shot fired....although that might just be the sound of the blood-curdling cry of pain....or the distant wail of ambulance sirens.

God in the News: With a Little Help From My Friends

2008-08-20T15:04:00.022-05:00

I know that my frequency of posting has greatly diminished but I have to say that in the interim I really appreciate the fact that people find some crazy stories out there, and send them to me as "perfect blog material." It makes my job easier...so keep sending them in!!

*Transitional Species*

When it comes to God in the News, I suppose I could start with debating Evolution vs. Creation. Evolutionists point to scientific theories backed up by data, geology records, fossil records, etc... Creationists point out that someone wrote down in a book that God created everything. Seems pretty evenly matched so far, right? Well, Creationists also like to punch holes in the theory of evolution with the "fact" that there have been no transitional fossils ever found. Boom! Case closed! I guess maybe we shouldn't have those people look at this website that just names a few of the transitional fossils found, not to mention the many others.

But you say you want more proof? Ok. How about this claim that 3 men found a Bigfoot. That's right, a Sasquatch. A Yetti. A Walking Hairy Dude With Size 19s!

If that's not a transitional species, then I don't know what one is. Ok, it's probably safe to assume that I don't know what one is. What I do know is that this Bigfoot (seen stuffed into a freezer above) supposedly stood at 7'7" tall. Now, I've seen "Teen Wolf" so I know that hairy animals can play basketball...and at over 7 and a half feet in height, B-Dub would easily be a lottery pick for the Memphis Grizzlies.

And if this isn't proof enough for you non-believers, how about taking a closer look at the 3 "men" (seen above) who captured Bigfoot before folding him in half and putting him into a freezer, not even caring about contaminating their Klondike bars and frozen burritos. If you want to tell me that all 3 of these guys are genetically human, you'd better come up with more proof than your word. I've got eyes. And that guy in the middle is definitely a transitional species between plant and man. Not to mention that the guy on the left looks like some kind of cyborg with a robotic arm, and the guy on the right seems to have swallowed a tin pie pan.

You want more? Fine. I give you the Malaysian pen-tailed tree shrew. These little animals survive on a diet that is basically 100% beer! They drink the "fermented nectar of the flower buds of the bertam palm plant", which can reach up to 3.8% alcohol content. According to the article, they could drink any fratboy under the table. However, I happen to know a few fratboys that would beg to challenge that. They'd want to go head-to-head with this little tree-hugger (literally, it hugs trees to survive in the trees of Malaysia). So you tell me who is smarter? The still-sober tree shrew, or a Kappa Phi Beta who just did 4 kegstands and is nude on the front porch of his frat house while taunting a squirrel for not being able to hold its liquor?

Not a fair comparison, you say? Ok. How about one of the scientists studying this fascinating animal: Marc-André Lachance, a microbiologist at the University of Western Ontario. He speaks of the Bertam Palm Plant that the tree shrew drinks from and describes it as such:

"This plant in that part of Malaysia is quite widespread," Lachance said. "It's a very spiny, very uninviting plant. The lower buds from which the alcohol comes out are very sharp. You can easily hurt yourself on them. I speak from experience."

He speaks from EXPERIENCE?! So in hopes of getting his drink on in Malaysia, this research scientist lowered himself to the ground in the woods, leaned his head inside of a "very spiny, very uninviting plant" and tried to suck out nectar with the equivelant alcohol content of a bottle of Miller High Life? Ok, who's smarter? At least the tree shrew has the excuse of not having thumbs to open the bottle.

I offer up all of the above as evidence of transitional species: The tree shrew will one day evolve into students at the University of Southern Illinois....and the fratboys -- along with scientist Marc-André Lachance -- are not quite human yet. I'd say at least a step or two behind the furry, drunk Malaysian tree dweller.

*My Faith Is A Rock*

Keeping with the theme of God in the News, I've got to give it up to the people who want to emulate the disciple Peter. He's known as The Rock -- the original one, not the wrestler/actor. Matthew 16:18 states: "[Jesus said,] 'And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hell will not overcome it.'"

What a strong, bold statement. The Church is a rock. It's a foundation, and not even the gates of Hell will overcome it. Inspiring words...so much so that the Roman Catholic Church in Italy has decided to follow its parishoners on their holidays so they can preach to them on the beaches from inflatable churches.

"Catholic nuns and priests in Italy are following their flocks to the beach this summer, establishing an inflatable church and a beach-convent in the sands to lure sunbathers.
The 30-metre (98 ft) long blow-up church -- staffed by priests ready to take confession -- will debut on Saturday on the Adriatic coast in the Molise region, an organizer said."

It's just what every beach-goer wants: to get drunk, swim in the Adriatic Sea, sunbathe nude...and then, completely sunburned, stumble over to something that they think is a giant jumpy house and end up in confession with a priest wearing an inflatable, blow-up samurai body.

So not even the Gates of Hell can overcome the Church...but apparently a safety pin can. And in case of a water landing, your local Church can also be used as a flotation device.

**A Little Bit of Prager On My Mind...**

So if the idea of a blow-up Church actually shakes your faith, rather than strengthens it, who are you going to look to in order to restore it? I always turn to my own personal rock of sound reasoning, Dennis Prager. I hate to keep singaling out our Conservative friend here, but he makes it so easy...

I give you one of his latest columns "If There Is No God" in which he makes 14 "points" as to why there being the existence of God is better than not having Him exist.

1 - Without God there is no good and evil; there are only subjective opinions that we then label "good" and "evil."

Wow. Excellent "point". If it wasn't written on a stone tablet, brought down from a mountain, how would we know what was right or wrong? How would we possibly know that charity is good? In fact, murder and theft might just be fun hobbies if there wasn't a God.

2 - Without God, there is no objective meaning to life. We are all merely random creations of natural selection whose existence has no more intrinsic purpose or meaning than that of a pebble equally randomly produced.

Sheesh...I had no idea that if God didn't exist my life would only have the same purpose as a pebble. Kind of bleak when you think about it. Because being a random creature, evolved over millions of years is a horrible way to look at things isn't it? Every great step forward that humans have made has all been in vain. We should stop studying the past to learn where we came from and for crying out loud, stop trying to be happy and make a better future for those that come after us.

3 - Life is ultimately a tragic fare if there is no God. We live, we suffer, we die -- some horrifically, many prematurely -- and there is only oblivion afterward.

So true. If there's no God, then obviously the life we live can't include some happiness and joy as well. And those people that died peacefully or heroically: what a waste!!

4 - Human beings need instruction manuals.

Doesn't it say as much in the Bible? I'm paraphrasing here, but isn't there a passage in Genesis that says "And God created man. Some assembly required and there's an instruction manual printed in six languages taped to his back. For ages 3+. And it was good."

5- If there is no God, the kindest and most innocent victims of torture and murder have no better a fate after death than do the most cruel torturers and mass murderers. Only if there is a good God do Mother Teresa and Adolf Hitler have different fates.

Ahhh....one of my favorites. There must be a God. Why? Because it makes me feel better about tragedies. Because if there's no God, then Mother Teresa and Adolf Hitler will both be written about in fairy tales, sipping tea together on a sunny afternoon in the park. No one can tell the difference in their two lives without the existence of God. I know I can't. Did Mother Teresa have a mustache?

6 - With the death of Judeo-Christian values in the West, many Westerners believe in little. That is why secular Western Europe has been unwilling and therefore unable to confront evil, whether it was Communism during the Cold War or Islamic totalitarians in its midst today.

Yeah, that whole World War that took place on the ground in Europe, killing hundreds of millions of people really was a waste of time. No one believes it did any good. With a good God in existence we need to invade more countries. That ought to show that that God not only exists but that He's on our side.

7 - Without God, people in the West often become less, not more, rational.

Why can't we all just be rational? Without God, I guess people would actually want proof that something happened, rather than just believing it. Of all the nerve...Why can't they just believe in rational ideas like the fact that Jonah lived inside the mouth of a fish for 3 days?

8 - If there is no God, the human being has no free will. He is a robot, whose every action is dictated by genes and environment.

I guess he's right. Nothing I do is by choice. Without God, I should just be able to walk into a Red Lobster, strip naked and jump into the tank with the lobsters. Since I know that their claws are banded I'll be safe. So then I'll just get out, grab myself a tasty crustacean and walk back out to my car. If the cops ask me why I did it, all I have to say is that it was in my genes. I had no choice. So there must be a God, because I've chosen not to do that in my life......yet!

9 - If there is no God, humans and "other" animals are of equal value.

a) I'm glad he italicized "other" because I wouldn't have known what he "meant" by "animals" if he didn't.
b) He did forget pebbles this time. If there's no God, then humans and "other" animals and pebbles are all of equal value. That makes sense.

10 - Without God, there is little to inspire people to create inspiring art.

How true. I mean look at the Beijing Olympics for example. On the whole, China doesn't condone religion...and look at all the crappy ideas the Chinese had in mind for the 2008 Olympic Games:

What a total lack of inspiration...

...And, well, there are actually 4 more "points" that Prager makes, but they seem more like ramblings than points. But I'm glad that we can always rely on him to continually make such strong arguments. That's why I "respect" him so "much".

Do Sons of Steel Mill Workers Now Have a Bad Rap??

2008-08-08T15:05:00.003-05:00

When the Republicans have so much going against them: a terrible economy, the War in Iraq still going on, a lack of any healthcare plan whatsoever....what the Democrats simply don't need are scandals.

The Road to the White House for Barack Obama looked to be smoothly paved. Put the campaign car in cruise control, don't make any embarassingly wrong turns, and 1600 W. Pennsylvania Ave should reached on Jan 20, 2009.

But, instead, the Party will be reflected upon poorly because another highly regarded Democrat has admitted to having an extramarital affair: this time it was John Edwards -- a man who is not running for President any longer; a man who is not a sitting U.S. Senator any longer And yet, in a news media obsessed with sex scandals -- because that's what they assume people care about most -- this will be a major story that will lower independent's support for Obama.

To make matters bad, Edwards' wife Elizabeth has an incurable form of cancer.

To make matters worse, he ended up getting caught by The National Enquirer. That's right, I said The National Enquirer. So Edwards can hide the affair from every news organization following him around during both a 2004 Vice-Presidential run, and a 2008 Presidential run.....but he can't skirt by the people who tell us about how Britney Spears rides around in cars without underwear, or seatbelts for her children.

Ok, you got me. I used Britney Spears' name in the same blog as Barack Obama. Obviously, I'm linking the two together just as John McCain has tried to do in his political ad:

I never thought I'd say this, but I guess I'd rather have Obama's name linked to Paris Hilton & Britney Spears than with John Edwards right now.

This is politics people! Sadly, it doesn't matter how good your foreign and social policies are if you can't keep it in your pants.

What Ever Happened to Beaver??

2008-06-10T11:49:00.007-05:00

I used to think we lived in a pretty good world. Boy was I wrong! Of course I didn't realize how very ignorant I was until I read Dennis Prager's column on Townhall.com, titled "When I Was A Boy, America Was A Better Place." You see, this is something I'd never heard of before: an old man complaining that the world is different from when he grew up. Inconceivable!! And while Mr. Prager may be nearing that age where his foods might not be solid, it's good to know that his arguments and Grandpa Simpson-esque complaints still are.

The day the O.J. Simpson verdict was announced, I said to my then-teenage son, "David, please forgive me. I am handing over to you a worse America than my father handed over to me." Unfortunately, I still feel this way.

With the important exception of racial discrimination -- which was already dying a natural death when I was young -- it is difficult to come up with an important area in which America is significantly better than when I was a boy. But I can think of many in which its quality of life has deteriorated.

Yeah, a guilty man walked free from a crime because he had money to pay for an expensive attorney. I'm with ya Dennis.

And of course he's right that when he was a boy, racial discrimination "was already dying a natural death." Prager was born in that luckiest of times to be a minority: Just after WWII, in 1948. He was just a young child in 1954 for the natural chain of events that led to the Brown vs. Board of Education decision. We all know that nothing is more natural than the progression of a segregation trial that ends up in the Supreme Court of the United States.

He was just a 7-year old boy when Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on a bus to a white person. And if I've read my history correctly, at the time everyone pretty much felt she was in the right, because racial descrimination was a dying entity.

Luckily for Prager, he was a boy in his mid-teens in 1963 when Martin Luther King, Jr. gave his famous "I Have a Dream" speech, which pretty much put an end to any and all discrimination. I don't think there's been any since, right? Ahhhhhh, the natural death of racial discrimination.

Today, people at work, to cite but one example, are far less free to speak naturally. Every word, gesture and look, even one's illustrated calendar, is now monitored lest a fellow employee feel offended and bring charges of sexual harassment or creating a "hostile work environment" or being racially, religiously or ethnically insensitive, or insensitive to another's sexual orientation.

It was so much nicer back in Prager's day when you didn't have to worry about being racially, religiously or ethnically sensitive -- you just didn't have to hire those kinds of people if you didn't want to. How simple was that?? And as for someone's sexual orientation? If we can't even expect our military to exclude gays, what hope does the work force have? Right on Dennis!

When I was a 7-year-old boy, I flew alone from New York to my aunt and uncle in Miami and did the same thing coming back to New York. I boarded the plane on my own and got off the plane on my own. No papers for my parents to fill out. No extra fee to pay the airline. I was responsible for myself. Had I run away or been kidnapped, no one would have sued the airline. Today, fear of lawsuits is a dominant fact of American life.

I feel horrible for Mr. Prager. When he was 7, it was right at the same time as the Rosa Parks bus incident. Luckily, on an airplane in 1955, little Dennis didn't need to worry about any black people sitting in his seat, since white people wouldn't hire them and they couldn't afford the ticket.

I just don't understand why we don't send more children cross-country on their own. Where is the harm in that? What is this country coming to? It's lawsuit this, and lawsuit that...and all because people saw a way to punish -- after getting screwed by -- bigger corporations with pocketbooks deeper than the chasm that those aliens were found in The Abyss. Granted, an upset lawyer suing a dry-cleaner for $65 million might be a bit excessive, but they DID lose his pants after all.

When I was boy, I was surrounded by adult men. Today, most American boys (and girls, of course) come into contact with no adult man all day every school day. Their teachers and school principals are all likely to be women. And if, as is often the case, there is no father at home (not solely because of divorce but because "family" courts have allowed many divorced mothers to remove fathers from their children's lives), boys almost never come into contact with the most important group of people in a boy's life -- adult men.
Several good points here!!

a) teachers and school principals are likely to be women now?? *sigh* Can't we just ask them if they're a woman when they apply for the job in the first place and then just not hire them? Apparently not any more.

b) and what's up with family courts (or "family" courts, as Dennis likes to put it) not granting custody to unfit fathers? If a father drinks too much, is abusive, or has a tendency to throw key-parties with the neighbors, then what right does a divorcing mother have to remove and protect her child from that behavior? It's sad to think that if I get caught blowing lines of coke off of a hooker's thigh, that I might lose the weekend privelages with my 5-year old boy. How am I supposed to bond with him? Seriously, that'll really make you think twice, so that you don't get caught.

When I was a boy, the purpose of American history textbooks was to teach American history. Today, the purpose of most American history texts is to make minorities and females feel good about themselves. As a result, American kids today are deprived of the opportunity to feel good about being American (not to mention deprived of historical truth). They are encouraged to feel pride about all identities -- African-American, Hispanic, Asian, female, gay -- other than American.

I'm with Dennis: I hate that we try to make people -- especially those who have been oppressed, ridiculed and discriminated against -- "feel good about themselves." Why should they be made to feel proud of their heritage? Shouldn't they mock it like Americans used to do? That ought to make them feel proud to be an American!! Because it's not the fact that we're all equal in this country that matters; it's the fact that we're all the same, no matter where we came from....you know, as long as we diminish any importance to where we actually came from. Because America isn't supposed to be the great melting pot of rich histories -- it's supposed to be a bunch of suburban Americans going out to The Melting Pot for fondue.

When I was a teenage boy, getting to kiss a girl, let alone to touch her thigh or her breast (even over her clothes) was the thrill of a lifetime. Most of us could only dream of a day later on in life when oral sex would take place (a term most of us had never heard of). But of course, we were not raised by educators or parents who believed that "teenagers will have sex no matter what." Most of us rarely if ever saw a naked female in photos (the "dirty pictures" we got a chance to look at never showed "everything"), let alone in movies or in real life. We were, in short, allowed to be relatively innocent. And even without sex education and condom placement classes, few of us ever got a girl pregnant.

Wow!! What happened to those good old days when a teenage boy received the thrill of a lifetime by touching a girl's thigh? Ahhhh, those innocent 1960s that he recalls.....those must have been the days!! Forget for a moment the obvious innocence of teenagers in the 60s. It must have been such a blessing for the adults and teachers to just blindly believe that the kids weren't having sex or doing drugs, or watching Elvis Presley shake his hips. Much better to close your eyes to the reality of the 1960s and perceive the "Leave-It-To-Beaver reality" that you choose to believe in, than to maybe confront those issues. In fact, why do we even try to inform and protect a teenager who engages in sexual activity? Shouldn't we just ensure their ignorance on the subject so that they can make their decisions without the knowledge that we posess on dieases and pregnancies? Can't we go back to those innocent days where we could just chastise anyone who got pregnant as a teenager or caught a disease because they had it coming to them?!

When I was a boy, "I Love Lucy" showed two separate beds in Lucy and Ricky's bedroom -- and they were a married couple. Today, MTV and most TV saturate viewers' lives with sexual imagery and sexual talk, virtually all of which is loveless and, of course, non-marital.

When I was boy, people dressed up to go to baseball games, visit the doctor and travel on airplanes. Today, people don't dress up even for church.

Think about how much better it would be if our parents slept in separate beds? Then marriage could be viewed as it's supposed to be: like summer camp.

And yeah, it's a horrible society where people actually want to be comfortable for a crammed, 4-hour flight in coach from Cincinnati to Salt Lake City. If the person next to you is going to make disgusting sniffing noises all flight, slurp his orange juice and smell bad, the least he could be doing is wearing a sweater vest.

Can we return to the America of my youth? No. Can we return to the best values of that time? Yes. But not if both houses of Congress, the presidency and the Supreme Court move the country even further leftward. If that happens, many of the above noted changes will simply be accelerated.
Yes, Mr. Prager is absolutely right! How did we even let the country deteriorate to the point where he's so very ashamed of it? It must have been all of those liberal, left-wing Democrats that we've elected President in the last 40 years...you know, both of them! Since 1969 (when Prager was 21), Jimmy Carter was President for 4 years, and Bill Clinton for 8. Those 12 years out of the last 40 under a Democratic Preisdent surely destroyed his innocence. I guess we can only thank the other 32 years of Republican Presidencies that we're not even worse off than we are.

One can only hope that a 71-year old white man can win the office of President in November, so that he can continue providing our young, innocent children what we're supposed to provide them with: death in an unnecessary war, isolation from the world, further neglection of the middle class so as to continue building the empires of the richest 1%.....and the hope to one day feel a girl's breast. I lament with you Mr. Prager.

ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK!!!

2008-04-08T12:24:00.003-05:00

NCAA Division I Basketball National Champions in 2008!!!

Not much else to say...What a great weekend to beat North Carolina by 18...and then win one of the best National Title games in recent memory. Down 9 points with less than 2 minutes in the game...Huge shots, made free throws, 3 pointers by Collins and the Unbelievably clutch shot by Mario Chalmers.

(Did I mention BCS Orange Bowl champs, too??)

What a great year to be a Jayhawk!

Here's the scene of 40,000 Hawk fans crowding downtown Lawrence on Mass Street:

Party on Hawks!!! Rock Chalk!!!

God in the News...Whatchoo Talking Bout?

2008-04-01T13:27:00.009-05:00

After a little hiatus from "God in the News" I'm glad to report that it's back, in all of its Omnipotent News Glory. I know that I normally start out by telling you that "The World is Ending" but I think I'll stay away from that this time. Why? Because apparently the world is NOT ending. Need proof???

**End of the World?**

Members of a Russian cult are starting to trickle out of a cave, where they had holed themselves up since last November to await the end of the world, which is apparently supposed to happen this May. Self-declared prophet Pyotr Kuznetsov "left his family and established the True Russian Orthodox Church and recruited followers in Russia and Belarus. His followers were not allowed to watch television, listen to the radio or handle money, Russian media have reported."

I think people are being a little hard on Pyotr here. He was an engineer from a devout Russian family, so clearly he abandoned the material things in life in order to serve God. And doesn't it even say somewhere in the Bible that we're not allowed to watch television or listen to the radio?? (source needed)

So why did the cult...ahem, Church members decide to come out into the open? Did they come to their senses and realize that maybe the world really isn't going to end this May?? Or did this have something to do with it?

"[Last] Friday...melting spring snows caused part of the shelter to cave in, sparking fears that the entire structure could collapse....and more of the cave had collapsed around dawn Tuesday. Cult members told emergency officials that they had had a divine vision overnight that instructed them to leave."

I imagine that this divine vision looked something like a coal miner with a light strapped to his head, shouting in a Scotish accent, "Get the hell out of here!! She's goin to crumble!" Ahh, divine visions...we should all be so lucky.

Who is this man? a) Borat, b) Gary Oldman, c) cult leader Pyotr Kuznetsov

**End of your credit?**

Well shoot! If we can't trust a guy who is a self-proclaimed prophet, then who can we trust? Luckily we have actual ordained pastors, ministers and priests on our side. Such as the Rev. Raymond Clayton, former pastor of a Northumberland County [Pennsylvania] church. Last Monday Rev. Clayton plead guilty in federal court to a charge of access device fraud, in which he acknowledged using parishioners' personal information to obtain credit cards.

"Following the plea, 83-year-old church member Patricia Tomedi said, 'Thank God.' Tomedi says she's lost 20 pounds since Clayton was charged with stealing church members' identities. Her's was one of the Social Security numbers he used.'

I really don't see how people are viewing this as a bad thing. The way I see it Rev. Clayton is simply on to a better weight-loss scheme than Jered's Subway sandwiches. Tomedi said she lost 20 pounds!!!! That's fantastic! It really sheds a whole new light on the if-life-hands-you-lemons-make-lemonade viewpoint.... So if-your-pastor-steals-your-identity-curl-up-in-a-little-ball-stop-eating-and-lose-weight. It's got a certain ring to it. God's diet plan at work!

**Wright vs. Right??**

In recent news, we've all seen the video clips of Barack Obama's former pastor Rev. Wright. In the heat of the moment, he's made some pretty outlandish claims. And even though Obama says that he denounces any type of anti-American statements made by Rev. Wright, it appears that the political right-wing still wants to tie Obama to those comments. And why not?? I mean, look at the claims that Rev. Wright is making....In the middle of a sermon trying to challenge his congregation to think about things, Wright said that instead of blessing America, blacks should damn it for its mistreatment of them and suggested that the nation had brought the attacks of Sept. 11 on itself.

We have to think about this rationally, people. How can the Sept. 11th attacks have been brought upon by ourselves, when we know fully well that the truth behind the Sept. 11th attacks was clearly stated by Rev. Jerry Falwell:

"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

Evangelist Pat Robertson's immediate response to Falwell's claim: "Well, I totally concur."

See, now THAT makes sense! As we all know, one of the main items of the homosexual agenda is to ruin the institution of marriage....by being allowed to be part of it. Kind of like the kids on the playground who stink at kickball yet want to play, too: Don't they know that by joining the game, their awkwardness and lack of skills ruins the game?? So they should just be left out! They can go play 4-square or hopscotch, though...that's almost the same, right?

So basically we need to continue trying to ban gays from getting married. And not just for the fact that we don't approve of who they're sleeping with, but rather a much more noble cause: to prevent more attacks on our country by radical Islamic terrorists. Because everyone can see how closely those two things are linked.

**Right vs. Marriage??**

The sanctity of marriage must be protected! Think about what we're looking to protect here: One man. One woman. One wedding dress made from toilet paper. These things are crucial to our stable way of life here in America. Marriage is something that needs to be taken seriously. It is a covenant of love made before the eyes of God. And who doesn't want to stand before God wearing this:

Personally I would have thought strapless the way to go, but maybe she just needed to finish off the last of the roll. And if she did, I can just see the lucky groom on their honeymoon, sitting on the toilet and noticing that there is no more toilet paper.... "Honey, if you're going to use the last of the toilet paper, please at least be courteous enough to let me wipe with your wedding dress!"

I guess when you really think about it, maybe we should let anyone marry whomever they wish. Hell, if Gary Coleman can get married to a woman twice his size, then why not, right? This is obviously what God had in mind for marriage:

And if marriage really does make you smarter, as a recent article tries to suggest, then that might explain Coleman's stupidity beforehand, thinking that he was still a celebrity that needed to get married in secret. However, does it really explain his recent ad with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?

(Ever wondered why Gary Coleman isn't invited to your Thanksgiving? Just watch him eat)

If Coleman really wanted to make some money, why not do it the old fashioned way? You know, the way our forefathers did it. Hard work, long hours, dedication...and occasionally offering to be bitten by mosquitoes infected with malaria.

"The Seattle Biomedical Research Institute will pay volunteers as much as $4,000 to be bitten by mosquitoes infected with malaria. Scientists say no lives are in danger because the volunteers can be cured. The institute is testing which vaccines work fastest."

That seems worth it!!

Hope: Maybe we can all feel it...

2008-03-20T11:13:00.009-05:00

Senator Barack Obama gave a speech on Tuesday, March 18th about racism. He delivered this speech because he needed to address some of the comments made by the Pastor of his church in Chicago. I think it's something everyone should invest the 37 minutes and 10 seconds to watch.

Hopefully this was able to motivate people...open people's eyes to the fact that racism still exists and it's naive to believe otherwise. However, here is a column I read by Mary Katherine Ham, a columnist on Townhall.com. She says:

"...what does [Obama] ask in this speech and of whom does he ask it? How will we form a 'more perfect union,' according to Obama, and who needs to do the forming?"

She quotes Obama here:

"For the African-American community, that path means embracing the burdens of our past without becoming victims of our past. It means continuing to insist on a full measure of justice in every aspect of American life. But it also means binding our particular grievances – for better health care, and better schools, and better jobs - to the larger aspirations of all Americans -- the white woman struggling to break the glass ceiling, the white man who has been laid off, the immigrant trying to feed his family. And it means taking full responsibility for own lives – by demanding more from our fathers, and spending more time with our children, and reading to them, and teaching them that while they may face challenges and discrimination in their own lives, they must never succumb to despair or cynicism; they must always believe that they can write their own destiny."

How does Ham respond to this good message?

"Note that while Obama conceded that not all of whites' race issues are entirely unjustified ('And yet, to wish away the resentments of white Americans, to label them as misguided or even racist, without recognizing they are grounded in legitimate concerns – this too widens the racial divide, and blocks the path to understanding.'), he did not ask the black community to try to understand them. But he did ask that of white Americans. In fact, that should be the white community's first priority."

Sadly, that's how she took those comments. Rather than feel inspired, she felt offended. And how does she justify this? By quoting this part of Obama's speech:

"In the white community, the path to a more perfect union means acknowledging that what ails the African-American community does not just exist in the minds of black people; that the legacy of discrimination - and current incidents of discrimination, while less overt than in the past - are real and must be addressed. Not just with words, but with deeds – by investing in our schools and our communities; by enforcing our civil rights laws and ensuring fairness in our criminal justice system; by providing this generation with ladders of opportunity that were unavailable for previous generations. It requires all Americans to realize that your dreams do not have to come at the expense of my dreams; that investing in the health, welfare, and education of black and brown and white children will ultimately help all of America prosper."

To a reasonable ear this sounds completely legitimate and inspiring. It raises hope that maybe we CAN rise to that point in our lifetime. Maybe we CAN provide for our children in a fashion that all of them can get an equal education, and therefore close the gap on opportunity discrepencies.

But what does Ham say?

"In short: Black people, continue to ask more of this oppressive society in which you live without becoming victims of that oppression. White people, try to learn not to be so darn oppressive, huh? ... Obama asks white people to perform the same rites every leader before him has, atoning for the country's historic racism by understanding more fully and funding more heavily, and doing it without question. He asks little to nothing of anyone else."

I wish I could say that this cynical viewpoint is in the minority. But here are some of the comments that are made in response to this article:

"As to what the whites owe blacks in education:

THE ENTIRE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM HAS BEEN CONTROLLED BY LIBERAL UNIONS AND LIBERAL IDEAS FOR 36 YEARS SINCE THE PRES. OF THE NEA SAID THE SCHOOLS WILL BE THE ENGINE OF SOCIAL CHANGE IN 1972.

The social change they got is rotten minority schools in urban areas that were once the pride of the world. Whites didn't corrupt those schools. Obama's liberal ideas did.

Black students in DC and Newark, NJ, graduate reading on the fourth grade level on the average. Whites didn't do that. Liberal teaching methods like Whole Language and social promotion did (does) that."

...and...

"Obama doesn't get the American heartland. Axelrod had to explain to Obama how inflammatory Wright is -- Obama just didn't get it. Imagine this as an international incident. When Sharon went to the Temple Mount, he knew he was going to inflame the Palestinians -- that was his agenda. It's not like Sharon had no clue what he was doing.

The worst thing a would-be peacemaker can do is favor one side over the other. Obama made it clear he favors the black nationalist point of view over the many white points of view."

...and...

"I'm pretty sick of this white guilt baloney, I don't feel guilty for one minute over this issue.That was paid in the blood of Americans over 100 years ago. My ancestors stopped the slave trade."

The quotes go on and on and on...it saddens me to see them. However, I hold out hope that the strength and will to make positive changes rises to the top. That we can all make the differences in our own lives, and in the lives of the younger generations. And as time goes on, I can hope that the cynicism and the "oh, it's not my fault" attitudes of certain individuals becomes the exception, not the rule.

Favre Retires...Madden To Follow??

2008-03-05T11:47:00.003-06:00

Well, as any casual observer noticed yesterday, legendary Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre retired after 17 seasons in the NFL. His decision leaves people pondering why, as the Packers looked to be loaded next season with a young and talented team -- a team that was only a few minutes from reaching the Super Bowl this past season. Some speculate that Green Bay's failure to sign wide receiver Randy Moss weighed heavily into Favre's decision as he felt he really needed a reliable WR that could get open for him. Favre can't do it all by himself! He needs people to get open, otherwise he might make a bad pass... which might get intercepted... which might lead to losing the NFC Championship game...

I mean, look at this snapshot from the last pass in Brett Favre's career:
Obviously, Favre needed a Randy Moss on that play. None of his guys could get open (other than the 3 circled receivers who are all clearly wide open). We'll all miss you Brett!! I don't know if John Madden's heart can truly be in his broadcasting anymore without you...

God in the News...Happy Holidays!!!

2007-12-11T11:10:00.000-06:00

Well, my posts have been few and far between lately. I don't have a good excuse, other than I've been in training quite a bit for my new part-time job as a bartender in Schaumburg. That's right: Shoes is serving people drinks just as God intended me to do.

**God in the Food**

And speaking of God, the Almighty has been making the news quite a bit lately. Maybe it's because His son's birthday is coming up later this month? And by the way, I've seen Jesus's picture appear on a piece of toast recently and He looks fabulous for being two thousand and seven years old, butter-spread mustache or not.
And, it's not like this ISN'T a bonafide miracle. I mean, if you were an all-powerful being that created the universe, wouldn't you prepare for your Second Coming by having your face appear on pieces of toasted bread in a random Tennessee kitchen? Yeah, me too!

**God in the Polls**

In the meantime, before the anticipated Second Coming, God's popularity is remaining strong and steady here in the United States. True, God might not be popular enough to win on American Idol (and I'd hate to hear Simon Cowell's comments on God not being able to hit a falsetto note), but in the hearts and minds of American citizens He remains on top.

In fact, a recent Harris poll shows that more Americans believe in a literal Hell and the devil than Charles Darwin's theory of evolution.

"The poll of 2,455 U.S. adults from Nov 7 to 13 [2007] found that 82 percent of those surveyed believed in God, a figure unchanged since the question was asked in 2005."

The 82% mark is encouraging, but the number that really scares me (other than 666) is that only 62% believe in an actual Hell and the Devil. How can 20% of these people believe in one and not the other? Apparently Satan needs to make some more public appearances on food items, rather than the glaringly obvious self-portraits he left in the 1/2-second of billowing smoke on 9/11: Hello, you 20% of Devil-doubters: Just look at the facts of that photo!

Regardless, at least the truth is getting out there that Charles Darwin's theory of evolution (or more accurately, Natural Selection) is just that: a theory provided by an atheistic and Godless scientist who based his entire theory upon tons of research and scientific data. Like that should be any basis for a theory! So congratulations US citizens: Only 42% of those surveyed said they believed in Darwin's theory. And while that's good, it's still not great. I'm disappointed that more people still believe in evolution than in UFOs (35%) and witches (31%). It goes to show that we've still got some work to do in order to get Intelligent Design (see my previous post) taught to our young children in school. Otherwise Flying Spaghetti Monsterism very well might become the most popular religion, because let's face it: spaghetti is a lot more delicious than dry toast!

**God in the Schools**

And while our fight to have Intelligent Design (the theory of If-You-Can't-Yet-Explain-It-Scientifically-Then-It-Must-Be-God...or the Theory of Default) taught in our schools is still ongoing, at least one of our Catholic nuns is doing the right thing in her classrooms.

"[Sister Kathy Avery in Michigan], the principal of St. Clare of Montefalco Catholic School, had students stay after a Mass last month and informed the fifth- through eighth-graders that she has a zero-tolerance policy for cursing.

"Just in case anyone wasn't sure what she was talking about, Avery read off a list of the very words and phrases that she was banning."

Now, Sistery Avery, I'm sure you did a valiant job of reading off the curse words while trying to teach the children a valuable lesson, but you can't just preach the old "Do as I say, not as I do" line here...mainly because you DON'T want them to do as you say. You probably could have had a much more lasting effect if you had just tried to reach the children through song, rather than merely reading all the curse words off of a list. Well here, I found a training video for you to watch. This should help:

And while our children might or might not be learning the harsh lessons of cursing, at least one young man in Indianapolis is diligently doing his part to obey 2 of the 10 Commandments: Honor thy Father and Mother, and Honor the Sabbath Day to Keep It Holy.

18-year old Justin T. Veal was jailed on a felony robbery charge after being arrested for holding up a liquor store. However, being the good Christian boy that he is, he told detectives that while he did hold up around a dozen different businesses so that he could have "money to fix his car, to buy jewelry, [and] to keep up with everyone else" Veal never performed a robbery on a Sunday because he and his mother attended church every Sunday.

Even after committing a robbery Veal said he always made sure he was home by 1:30 a.m. to meet his mother's curfew. He told a local television station, "Curfew is 1:30. Her rules, her house. Make it in by 1:30."

It's just nice to finally see a story that illustrates the positive effects of going to church and obeying your mother. Who knows what mischief he might have otherwise gotten into?

**God in the Consumer Market**

One day our children will grow up. Today's youth in America will become its strength and power. In order for the United States to remain the Modern-Day-Rome (albeit with less orgies that I know of), our children will have to be extremely business savvy, all the while keeping with their religious beliefs. So why not combine both? Who says God can't turn a buck or two? I mean, have you even seen the Vatican?

And if the Catholics know how to make a profit (the jury's still out on that) then why not join the ever-growing trend of bottled water? Better yet: Bottled Holy Water!!

"Holy Drinking Water, produced by a California-based company called Wayne Enterprises, is blessed in the warehouse by an Anglican or Roman Catholic priest (after a thorough background check). Like a crucifix or a rosary, a bottle of Holy Drinking Water is a daily reminder to be kind to others, says Brian Germann, Wayne's CEO."

Finally, we can use Holy Water for something other than killing vampires and demons. Instead, we can use it as God intended: to baptize people!! So, I'm calling on everyone right now to purchase as much of this bottled Holy Water as you can. Then go out into your communities and randomly sprinkle some of the Holy Water on the heads of strangers, thereby baptising them. Forced cleansing of sins is better than no cleansing of sins! And if someone actually gets upset at you for dousing them with water, I suggest you also carry around some bread and wine and offer it to them to settle their nerves. Kill two sacraments with one stone!

**The Truth??**

The truth is a hard thing to know, I'll give you that much. With all sorts of religions out there, it's tough to figure out which one is actually teaching us the truth. Does God have 8 arms and an elephant trunk like Hindus believe? Can God make it so a man can live inside the stomach of a fish for 3 days, and then walk out of the fish's mouth as if he were on a ferry ride to Nantucket Island, as the believers in the Old Testament attest to? Or did life actually begin on another planet and get transfered here as Scientologists believe? And how about our friend the Pasta God? Is God just naturally that delicious or does He need grated parmesan to become so?

With all the choices I just don't know what to believe, but I'm starting to think that the Scientologists are on to something. Here's a little intro to their doctrine (for real) and if this doesn't get you pumped up about God being in the news, then I don't know what will:

I don't understand why more people aren't buying into this. It seems perfectly rational to me.

**God in the Holidays**

Notice I didn't say Merry Christmas. Or Happy Hannuka. Or Happy New Year. Well, this is because these are ALL separate holidays that are pretty much celebrated throughout the entire month of December. This is why it's called the Holiday Season.

However, I still think Bill O'Reilly makes a good argument when he says that there is a War On Christmas. He's worried that the "secular progressives" (that catchy term he invented and desperately tries to get people to use) are out to destroy the values and traditions of Christmas. And he's right! We simply cannot allow people to take away all the Christian values of a fat, bearded man in a red and white suit that rides in a sleigh pulled by flying deer, breaking and entering into almost every single house on the planet over the course of a single night, delivering presents.

Saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" is a flat-out declaration of war on that religious belief, and it's a fight that I'm glad Bill O'Reilly is at the forefront of. He's a true soldier of God....and of Santa Claus.

Another thing I'm not a fan of: taking advantage of the time-honored tradition of gift-giving. Part of the strategy of a War On Christmas is trying to prevent that giving spirit, and I'm against it. That's why I cringe when I hear stories like this one, where a man was pulled over for speeding in Oregon, and then arrested for transporting 2 pounds of marijuana in the car with him. The pot was wrapped in a box like a Christmas present. This is just wrong and against the spirit of Christmas that this man was arrested! Because right now there's another man with a serious case of glaucoma and a stocking stuffed with pizza-flavored combos that is really missing his Christmas pot. And what's he going to do now with the wrapped box of $2500.00 in cash that was going to be his own Christmas gift in return? It's a sad state of affairs.

Happy Holidays everyone!

The Circle of Life...After Death (Flying Spaghetti Monsterism Style!!)

2007-11-26T10:31:00.000-06:00

Adam is created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Leonardo Da Vinci's masterpiece
************************************

The world is ending...blah blah blah... It certainly felt that way Saturday night after the #2 Jayhawks lost to - of all teams - Mizzou, giving Kansas its first loss of the season and ending hopes of a national title in football. But ________ Bowl here we come!! (The bowl games won't be announced until this Sunday.) So the Jayhawks still have life, even after what felt like death on Saturday. Which got me to thinking about all the possibilities of life after death.

**The Proof**

Just imagine if there actually is some sort of life after death. Your mind continues to function and you're set free from your physical body. You could do almost anything. With that in mind, it's really amazing there aren't more women's locker rooms being reported as haunted. Seriously, why do these ghosts seem to always pick the creepy looking houses that never seem to get their cobwebs dusted and have loose floorboards. It doesn't make any sense. And then there's this report of a ghost caught on a security camera at a gas station. You can actually SEE the ghost!!! Watch:

A gas station in Parma, OH?? This is where the spirit world steps in to warn us about the dangers of our foreign oil dependency? Or is it simply trying to scare us into more carpooling because of gas prices nearing the $3.50/gallon range? Regardless, this blue ghostly image has been captured still for 30 minutes at a time before flying off to the side...then it would "sit" on a car's windshield before flying up and out of the frame.

Is this blue image simply a reflection of light? A publicity stunt intending to sell more cigarettes and car washes? Or is it really a ghost caught on film? And if it IS a ghost, whose could it be? Who would choose to spend their eternity roaming the islands of a gas station in Ohio?

**Museums: Elvis Style**

My theory? It's the King of Rock 'n Roll himself: Elvis Presley. Everyone knows that Elvis faked his own death on the toilet and retired to live a secluded life away from all the press and stardom. Yet every now and then some lucky person would spot Elvis filling up the ole gas tank and maybe, just maybe, whistling "In the Ghetto". So, it's clear that Elvis hung around gas stations a lot after he faked his death....and now there's a blue ghostly form floating around a gas station. Coincidence?! I doubt it.

Of course, this might be a huge blow to Andy Key, who just recently purchased The Elvis is Alive Museum for $8,000.00 on ebay. That is a serious bargain: I mean, we're talking 5 am sales on the day after Thanksgiving bargain!! From The Elvis is Alive Museum website you can see the natural draw of this attraction (that was formerly located in a transformed coin-operated laundry):
"The [Elivis Is Alive] museum will continue to be the home to thousands of pages of FBI files showing Elvis' involvement with the FBI and DEA as an agent, the DNA sample analysis which proved the body in the coroner's report was that of a different man, handwriting and voiceprint files from 'The King' discovered after his supposed death, and hundreds of facts refuting the notion that Elvis Presley had departed from this world."
Seriously, they have DNA evidence?? This DNA stuff can get innocent people exonerated from death row AND prove that Elvis was still alive after his supposed death? I'm starting to become a believer!! Both in DNA and in ghostly shapes that hover around gas stations.

And once you become a believer, you realize that there's more to this life -- and death -- than just the little time that we're alotted here on Earth. There must be a God in command of it all. But there are just so many religions that it's near impossible to choose one, let alone the correct one. What to do?

**Museums: Creationist Style**

Well, a quick trip down to Petersburg, KY might help us figure all of that out. Here you can find the 60,000 square-foot Creation Museum. It's a museum dedicated to show all of the proof that God created the universe 6,000 years ago as the Bible clearly states, and not billions of years ago as the crazy and atheistic scientists would have you believe.

Finally!!!! There's a place dedicated to teaching the truth that dinosaurs and humans lived together peacefully in the Garden of Eden as God intended. They never had a problem with each other until Eve listened to that snake in the Tree of Knowledge and not only ate the fruit, but then also tempted Adam with it. Thus, the Fall of Man.

Can you imagine what a shock that must've been? One day Adam and Eve are frolicking around the Garden, riding on the backs of their pals, the T-Rex's ... and the next day they take a bite of some forbidden fruit, God boots them out of the Garden, and they're left to wonder why that friendly T-Rex with the sharp teeth is now trying to eat them.

I tell you now, the greatest invention of mankind wasn't electricity or the wheel or even fire. It was museums! These "buildings of knowledge" are testament to some of the greatest beliefs that we hold to be truths and are not limited to just providing the proof that Elvis Presley faked his own death, or that the theory of evolution is absurd if you just read your REAL history book: The Bible.

**A Brief History & The Ten Commandments (Both of Them)**

And this is why the Bible rocks! It gives us an accurate timeline of history, where after Adam finally took Eve and hid in a cave (one assumes) from all of the crazy-big animals that were suddenly trying to kill them, he started a family. Like you do. They had two sons: Cain and Able. (Much like that kid Michael Fay who was caned in Singapore back in 1994 for theft and vandalism -- he was caneable! *sigh*) Of course, Cain became a murderer and killed his brother. He was then branded with "The Mark of Cain" which is pretty ironic. (Kind of like Lou Gherig getting Lou Gherig's disease - what're the odds?!) This mark protected him from all of the other people in the world....even though there clearly weren't any other people in the world. Hello! He just killed his only brother.

But time passed on and God became pretty frustrated with what we sinners had done to His creation. (Just wait 'til He hears about global warming....someone is going to get a spanking!) So God decides to start over, causing a worldwide, global flood. But Noah and his family built an ark and loaded all of the world's animals (yep, dinosaurs too) onto the massive boat, sparing their lives while every other human being and animal were killed. Then, next step after the flood: some SERIOUS baby-making!! If ever the world needed some Barry White music, this was the time!

So the world starts to re-populate, which shouldn't have taken that long, especially since having sex with your cousin is now not only acceptable, but also encouraged...and unavoidable (ohhh, how Kentucky residents pine). And what happens next? Obviously we learned from our mistakes and instituted slavery in Egypt. Good thinking! But God busts in and says, "What's that noise?" ("Awh, God you're just jealous, it's the Beastie Boys!")1 (footnote)

So He sends Moses to free the slaves, and it's here that God FINALLY decides to make some rules. He gives Moses two stone tablets (God has big bubbly handwriting) with The Ten Commandments etched into them. All the rules you ever need to live by are right here. The Ten Commandments and the U.S. Constitution: God's greatest written achievements, bar none. Although I don't agree with this whole "Amendment" system that we have going on in America. If the Consitution needed an amendment, then God would have written it in there in the first place. You don't see the Ten Commandments adding amendments do you? (11th Commendment: Thou shalt not hide bags of heroin in your ass to sneak thru Customs??)

So there you have it. The Ten Commandments are God's laws for all eternity. And since the Roman Catholic Church speaks on behalf of God, it's only fitting that they - who are always right on top of the times - release their Ten Commandments of Driving...direct from the Vatican and clearly inspired by God Himself. (I'm not making this up.)

The "Drivers' Ten Commandments" as listed by the document are:
1. You shall not kill.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
10. Feel responsible toward others.

Of course, much like the original Ten Commandments, everyone is partial to different ones. Two of my favorites are:

#3: "Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforseen events." ...This is so true. In fact, I just had this same exact statement given to me out of a Chinese fortune cookie.

#5: "Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin." ...This one's going to be tough. They're saying that cars aren't supposed to be an expression of power and domination and an occasion of sin?? Isn't the Vatican still in Italy, the home of the Lamborghini?? So, just remember that this:

is not an expression of power and domination, and is most definitely never used as an occasion of sin.

The true shame is that we all know how the bleeding-heart liberals are going to react to this. First, they wanted the original 10 Commandments removed from our courthouses (simply because we have a whole policy of separation of Church and State), and now they're going to cry until we remove the Vatican's latest Commandments from our DMVs!

**Intelligent Design: God Created The Flying Spaghetti Monster**

Ok, at least now we know that there's definitely a God. If there's life after death (and I think that blue smudge floating around an Ohio gas station undoubtedly proves this) then there must be a God. And we know that God created the universe because it's been written down in a book called The Bible -- not to mention an entire Museum in Kentucky advocating it.

So, WHY I ask you is it so hard to teach Intelligent Design in our schools? What is Intelligent Design, you ask? Why it's science! Conservapedia.com's definition is:

"Intelligent design argues that life and other aspects of the physical universe are too complex to have come about through natural processes alone. In particular, the cell is too intricate to have come into being without having been designed. Thus various features of the universe and of living things are best explained by a designer and not by undirected processes."

Well that certainly makes sense! How can anyone disagree with that? For example, we all know that the world used to be flat. It took Christopher Columbus to sail his ships far enough into the horizon and not fall off the edge to change that. Up until then, the world was flat. Just like we all know that the Sun and all of the stars in the universe used to revolve around the Earth. This occurred throughout history until Galileo surmised that maybe it was actually the Earth that revolved around the Sun. When Galileo proposed this, two things happened: a) God changed the universe so that Galileo could be right, and b) the Catholic Church locked up Galileo under house arrest for proposing this.

So, doesn't it only make sense that an Intelligent Designer created the universe, because we don't understand all of it yet? I mean, the cell is pretty small and tough to conceptually grasp. So, until we can understand it completely, then it must have been Designed Intelligently by a Creator.

Of course, not everyone wants you to believe this simple truth. So, in 2005, at a debate in Kansas over whether or not Intelligent Design should be taught in schools

"An Oregon State physics graduate named Bobby Henderson stepped into the debate by sending a letter to the Kansas School Board. With tongue in cheek, he purported to speak for 10 million followers of a being called the Flying Spaghetti Monster -- and demanded equal time for their views.

'I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; one third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence,' Henderson sarcastically concluded."

I mean, come on. Does he really believe that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe?? Ok, sure, the evidence supporting it is equal to the amount of evidence supporting God, but here's the difference: The real God doesn't need to be smothered in marinara sauce in order to make him delicious!

Although, after worshipping the Flying Spaghetti Monster, life after death doesn't sound too bad, especially spending eternity in a giant bowl of pasta. Mmmmmmmm, that's delicious Deity!

1. From "Fight For Your Right" by the Beastie Boys album License to Ill, which still kicks major ass!

**Also, many thanks to Dave Byrd-Stadler for kidnapping, brainwashing and converting me into the fully supportive member of the Church of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism that I am today.

The Circle of Life

2007-11-13T11:02:00.000-06:00

Ok, so the world itself might not (and I stress "might") be ending as I normally claim, but it is certainly getting closer to the end for me personally. With my birthday only 2 weeks away, it's apparent that my attempts at growing younger instead of older have failed. I suppose it should be a reason to celebrate though! Let's face it, 15 years ago if anyone was crazy enough to take the odds that I'd live to see 34, they are now SO BANK! But I guess I'm merely a tiny little link in the Circle of Life....

**1 Old Clam**

And while I promise/threaten Mrs. Shoes that I'm going to live to be at least 150 years old, I've still got a long way to go - and a lot of yogurt to eat - if I plan on surpassing Ming, the 405-year old clam. The article just linked goes on to say that the clam known as Ming was the oldest animal to have ever lived. Apparently they're not counting Methuselah, whom the Bible clearly says lived to be 969 years old. That's more than double the clam!! But Ming's age was verified much like a tree's, by counting the rings on its shell, and I guess since we weren't able to count Methuselah's torso rings, we'll have to give the award to Ming the clam. Sorry Meth!

To make matters worse, Ming will have to accept his/her (??) award posthumously.

"Unfortunately, by the time its true age had been established Ming was already dead."

I guess what surprises me is that the article uses the word "unfortunately." It was a clam!!!

Ming the Clam, in all its glory!

I cannot imagine a more boring life than to be a clam. Then, adding insult to injury, you make that boring life last for more than 400 years! Talk about cruel and unusual punishment. Ming should have at least been shown the proper decency to have ended up in my linguini sauce after its death.

Not only that, but Ming long ago lost the ability to reproduce. So for all of you people hoping to see crazy geezer clam-loving, I'm sorry to disappoint you:

"...the sexual capacity of the 405-year-old clam is described by the scientists as 'spent'."

**Babies: The Next Generation**

So, with the passing of Ming the clam, the circle of life closes. But that doesn't mean that human life cannot still reproduce to keep it all going. The proof lies in the fact that people I know are pregnant. So I need to give a shout-out to Reggie Newton and Our Man In L.A. as both of them not only have proof that they have had post-marital sex, but they are even now preparing to be fathers, as their better-halves are currently pregnant! Congratulations my friends!! I couldn't be happier for all of you!!!!

Not only that, but as of this past April, Mrs. Shoes and myself are the proud aunt and uncle (respectively) of two new neices. I mean, do you want proof that life goes on? Look at these two babies:

Shoes's sister Sandy, holding Olivia "Slappy" Santiago

...and...

Chloe Eyrich, sitting tall

Of course, let's get one thing straight: babies are here to replace us! If you still don't think that's true and that their main goals aren't forcing us into retirement, taking away our driving privelages, and then saying "Oops, there's no more social security money left...my bad," then think again!! I mean take a closer look at Chloe: Those pudgy cheeks made for pinching...squinty eyes...silly grin on her face... If she's not priming herself to take the spot of Don Rickles then I guess no one is.

Don Rickles? Chloe Eyrich? You make the call.

**All Sorts of Parting Gifts...**

Well, if babies are here to take over for us (or take us over), and there's nothing we can do to stop it, then I guess we ought to greet them with gifts, whether it be for birthdays, Hannukah, Christmas, Festivus, whatever.

And since we're talking about new babies, then we're also talking about new mothers. So for all you new mothers or mothers-to-be, let me suggest the best "two-birds-with-one-stone" gift idea: Follow in the steps of 22-year old Martha Heller of Tiffin, IA and Sell Your Breast Milk! When Heller's baby started to refuse her bottles, Martha had an overflow of breast milk that she had been pumping. Not wanting it to go to waste, she took an ad out in the newspaper trying to sell 100 oz. of her breast milk. Genius! This idea is perfect on so many levels:

*New mother? Need some extra cash? Sell your breast milk!

*Your friend just had a baby and you don't know what kind of gift to give? Give the milk o' the breast. It works as a gift for the baby or the mom! Plus it lasts for up to six months in the freezer. Talk about win-win!

Now that the baby is properly fed and well-nutritioned, you need to start looking out for the baby's financial future. Between college funds and Xbox 360s, the cost is going to be enormous. So make sure that your child learns the benefits of saving money. You know what, though.... I don't think just teaching them the benefits is enough. There needs to be a real sense of fear for not saving. So let me suggest the exploding piggy bank from TOMY Co., Ltd.
The object here is to teach a child that they need to continue saving money. If the child forgets to add money to the bank, it explodes! This is fantastic.
"The battery-powered toy -- designed as a cartoon-style, ball-shaped black bomb with a skull and crossbones logo -- lights up, makes a noise, shakes violently and scatters coins if it is not topped up for a long time.
"'Users must pick up and collect the scattered coins and reflect on their laziness,' the Japanese company said."
Having children reflect on their laziness? I just don't think we have enough of that in America, and our kids are wicked lazy!! Come on, nap-time in kindergarten? I'm sorry, but if you need a nap during school hours then you probably shouldn't have gotten all hopped up on breast milk the night before....and I don't care if it was a gift!

So why not start teaching our children about science and biology at an early age? Haven't we exhausted ourselves from giving toy trains and books and stuffed animals of giraffes, tigers, bears and other ferocious animals? We're only teaching our children that lions are cute and snuggly, and if your kid ever gets lost on an Afircan safari they're going to wander into a lion's den and try taking a nap with mama. I wonder how that will turn out. Let's just say that The Jungle Book was extreeeeeeemely optimistic.

**NOT what your child will experience if left alone on an African safari**

So why not give your child the gift of syphilis instead? Or maybe rabies or black death? Sounds good right? Especially when it's just a stuffed animal version of the diseases. What a great concept! GIANTmicrobes toys have designed all of your favorite disease strains in furry, cuddly forms! "The company has taken microscope images of viruses and turned them into larger than life -- much much larger thankfully -- soft toys.
"Included in cuddly collection are dust mites, bedbugs, lice, sore throats (streptococcus), ear ache (S. pneumoniae) stomach ache (shigella), stomach ulcer, athlete's foot, bad breath (gingivalis), acne, rabies, black death and mad cow disease."
I mean, who wouldn't want their young child curling up for the night with a furry, overblown case of gonorrhea? Talk about getting a good night's sleep!

Ok, maybe not everyone is comfortable giving a small child a stuffed animal shaped like mad cow disease. If that's the case, then there's always the Chinese-made Aqua Dots bead toys. They were named Australia's "Toy of the Year" so that must mean they are either superbly crafted toys...or made of beer. Well, if you guessed "made of beer" you were a lot closer to the right answer. In fact,

"Scientists have found the popular toy's coating contains a chemical that, once metabolized, converts into the toxic 'date rape' drug GHB, or gamma-hydroxy butyrate, U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission spokesman Scott Wolfson told CNN."

Wow! Talk about letting one slip thru customs! A toy that turns into the date-rape drug??? Although let's be honest here. What are the odds that a baby or a young child is going to stick one of its toys into their mouth? Babies play with toys, they don't eat them. (Now taking bets into whether or not Shoes has any children of his own...)

Come to think of it, maybe those Aqua Dots aren't really a suitable children's toy after all. Perhaps they're better targeted for the college-aged student who doesn't know what to get for the girl in his Psych 101 class that is really hot, but has never looked at him all semester, even though she would probably totally like him if she only gave him a chance. Maybe if he saw her at a party and was able to just give/slip her a children's toy like Aqua Dots then she would really relax around him long enough to talk to him, mellow out, setup a Psych study-group...and most likely conceive his child. Now THAT'S a gift!

But I suppose for you traditionalists out there, I can offer a final suggestion of getting your child one of Russ Berrie & Co.'s Shining Star stuffed animals. You can purchase a stuffed bunny, owl, penguin, panda, lion, etc. And the best part about this gift:

"With every RUSS Shining Stars friend comes the opportunity to register and name your star with the International Star Registry."

That's right! Now we're giving almost every kid with a stuffed penguin the opportunity to name the stars in our galaxy. I don't see any downside to this.

Granted, at some point in the future, whether it's 50 years from now or 500, we're going to contact life in another part of the galaxy. That Circle of Life is going to extend beyond just this planet. One day we may even be able to meet the alien life face-to (I'm assuming)-face and communicate with them. And when we do, we'll know exactly which star their planet orbits around. It might be Alpha Centauri or some scientifically-named star like V1216 Sgr. What I love about the Shining Star gift idea is that it opens up the possibility of us encountering another lifeform in the galaxy and having to say:

"Greetings! We are from the planet Earth. You are from a planet that orbits the star that we have come to know as (checks the notes) Poopyhead."

Yeah, we'd be off to a great start!

The End of Times: Donnie Darko, Merle Haggard and the Red Sox

2007-10-31T12:58:00.000-05:00

THE WORLD IS ENDING!!

It's a good thing that I don't make that claim lightly. I wait until all the facts are in, then I evaluate them before making my Armageddon-ish predictions. It's not like I go around declaring the Apocalypse every week.... Then again, it's not every week that I hear that the world will end from a 6-foot tall rabbit, either, like Donnie Darko did:

Ok, so maybe the rabbit is wrong and we have more than 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds left after all. But don't come crying to me for more time on November 27th at 7:40 and 12 seconds p.m. C.S.T.. (holy crap, that's my birthday...now it really IS getting eerie.)

**Advice Columns: "Dear Merle..."**

So on what factual basis do I base my claim that the world is ending? For starters, MSN is now posting articles about life advice from 70-year old country singers. "What I've Learned: Merle Haggard" tells us such pearls of wisdom as:

"We weren't thieves by nature. Pranksters. Practical jokers. We were without a car one time, Dean Holloway and I. We just went out and started borrowing cars. Sometimes we'd bring 'em back. Put gas in 'em. Clean 'em up. Leave a little note: THANKS FOR THE CAR. Like the Phantom."

and...

"Willie Nelson is an idol for me. The music is sort of immaterial. Willie is seventy-four. A lot of people don't realize how healthy he is. He doesn't eat any strict diet. But he doesn't eat very much of anything. He understands the value of water."

Do the munchies not count as eating? But then there's always...

"I probably had as bad a sex urge as anybody when I was younger. I remember an old guitar player, Eldon Shamblin, told me, 'When you get p**** off your mind, you can go ahead and learn something.' Isn't that great?"

Yeah. It's really inspiring. But I do like his comments about the next Presidential election:

"I don't look for a politician to bullsh** his way in this time."

And maybe Merle Haggard has got a good point (which is something I never thought I would ever utter in all my living years). But, politicians shouldn't be able to BS their way into office. So how do I know that the world is ending? Maybe it's the sad fact that Presidential candidates are now getting questioned in debates about whether or not they've seen a UFO!! (click here for the article)

Yeah, apparently Democratic candidate Dennis Kucinich is 100% certain that he has seen an Unidentified Flying Object. It's tough to argue with him though. Maybe alien life forms have given him strange and awesome powers, while still keeping him from breaking the 5-foot mark. Hell, it would certainly explain how he was able to woo his wife into marrying him!! Here's a picture of Dennis Kucinich (clearly standing on a stool) and his uber-hot wife, Elizabeth:

Although, Jason Jones of 'The Daily Show' had the best take on it, calling her a FLILF:

"It's an acronym....also a palindrome."

**Beantown: #1 Again?!**

So you want more proof that the world is ending? "Dear Merle" and FLILFs aren't enough for you? Well, how about this: the Boston Red Sox won the World Series again this past Sunday. That's the 2nd time that the "loveable losers" have won the Series in the last 4 years, after having suffered 86 years of Championship futility. This can't be right! The Red Sox won the Series....again!!!???

But I think what I find funniest is that Boston fans, after feeling bitter for soooo long thru the years of chokes and heartbreaks, have somehow managed to still remain bitter even after their recent successes. Boston fans, for some unknown reason, still want to be viewed as the "loveable losers" and have a hard time coping with the fact that when the "loser" prefix gets dropped from the title, so too does "loveable".

So, amidst all of the celebrations in Boston, why is it so hard for their fans ('Red Sox Nation') to just accept who they really are now? They've cast aside the shadow of "loveable losers" and are quickly disrobing the New York Yankees and donning the cloak themselves as the next "Empire". They're probably only one more title away from becoming known as the "Evil Empire" as well.

Back in '04, when the Sox won their 1st Series (after 86 years) everyone was rooting for them. They came back in record-setting style. Now, just 3 short years later the Sox won the Series again, this time over the Colorado Rockies. However, here in '07, a recent poll shows that 3-out-of-4 people (75%) were pulling for the Rockies to win. (Of course that poll was conducted by me, and I only asked 4 people......but I think it's still a fair representation of the amount of people who actually watched the World Series outside of Boston & Denver.)

So why the downfall in polularity? People love to root for the underdog, and that no longer applies to Boston. The Sox are now the favorites to win every year. They are now the Goliath of baseball: the big, bad giant who is invulnerable (except to very small boys with slingshots). And how do those who hail from Boston feel about it? Here's one man's opinion, and I'll keep his name secret...although he knows who he is:

"You know, fuck everybody who says the Sox are the new Goliath. They still play in one of the smallest parks in the league and it's not their fault if they're outsmarting everyone in terms of marketing and squeezing every last cent out of that place. Sure, they have NESN but plenty of other teams have regional deals with ownership of cable stations. Sure they overspend at times but who were the real stars of that playoff run? Pedroia, Paplebon, Ellsbury, Youkilis: all home-grown talent. The key is to mix free agent signings with guys off the farm. The only free agents that were not on the team in '04 that really contributed were Lowell, Okajima (2 mill I think), and Beckett. We'll see about Dice-K.
"As a prototypical provincial Masshole, I didn't want anybody on the bandwagon anyway.

"Eat it haters, EAT IT!!"

Jeeeeez....... Got Bitter? EAT IT???

The Sawx did it the way it has to be done in baseball nowadays: They spent a lot of money (2nd only to the Yankees) on free agents and mixed it with some younger home-grown talent. But don't try passing off all of the success as just a bunch of kids from Southie doing the home town proud. It's not Good Will Hunting we're talking about here! I guess Beantown is going to have to somehow live with the fact that they've become what they for so long hated and tried to defeat: The Empire!

And now that the Sox won the World Series (again), just think about those promises made....if...they...could...only...win it:
(Dennis Leary is so f***ed!)

**Beware...the End of Times? ...or of Dogs?**

So maybe not everything is a sign of the Apocalypse. Even when the world is crazy (like KU being 8-0 and ranked #8 in both polls and the BCS ranking *cough*) and everything leans toward predications that we need to beware of the end of times, perhaps instead we just need to Beware of Dogs!

All I know is that if I were Michael Vick, confessed ringleader of dogfighting, I'd be keeping an eye out for any shifty-eyed canines in the neighborhood. Especially after news broke that a hunter in Iowa was shot with a rifle by his dog. The animals are revolting people! Domesticated and wild alike, they're starting to learn how to use our weapons. Did we learn nothing from "Animal Farm"? We're screwed!!!

I Fought the Law...and Got My A*s Kicked!

2007-10-26T13:10:00.000-05:00

Everyone's Favorite Attorney: Reese Witherspoon
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Law school takes three years to complete. Three years to learn in the ins and outs, legalities and illegalities...and all of the Latin terms that help describe why it's illegal for me to chop off someone's arm, even if I did so to use it as a paddle while guiding a home-made canoe to escape from a deserted island. Yeah, apparently that's wrong. Go figure. Dissectus Corpus my ass! But I digress....

The law can be interpreted in so many different ways that it'll make your head spin. That's what the courts are for: to interpret the laws. But the lawyers (except for the ones I know who personally keep me from being incarcerated) twist everything and turn something as simple as convicting OJ Simpson into a circus. Hell, Matlock could have gotten that one right.

**"Could you stop breathing so damn loud?"**

But not everything is so clear cut. So, while not technically against the law, it didn't stop the management of Planet Fitness gym in Wappinger Falls, NY from calling the police to escort Albert Argibay off the premises for violating the "no-grunting" policy that they have in place. He also lost his membership to the gym for breaking their rules. No grunting while working out or lifting weights. That makes sense. I'm all for it!

In fact, I'll take it a step further. It would be great if they could stop people from sweating, too. Let's be honest: it's a total slippery slope we're on here. Grunting only means that you're working hard...which leads to sweating...which leads to blurting out such phrases as "Oh man that burns!" and "Wow, you rocked that set dude!" So I'd like to see even stricter policies put in place in our gyms! Grunting is only the beginning. There should also be rules regarding no sweating, no saying stupid phrases, and above all, no high-fives or fist-bumps after bench-pressing a 3rd set. Immediate dismissal! I mean, just click here to listen to some of these guys!!

**"Fry him!!"**

So, ok maybe that wasn't truly a matter for the police to become involved. But that doesn't mean that law officers throughout the world aren't normally hard at work trying to keep all of us safe. Just look at the policeman in Cambodia who finally arrested the culprit responsible for causing a fatal motorcycle crash. The same suspect was also responsible for a separate car accident earlier this year that killed five people. Finally, this menace was taken off the streets and brought into the police station. The culprit: a cow.

For years I've been saying that cows are destructive and evil creatures...not to mention, delicious. They intentionally wander into the streets of Cambodia causing auto accidents. How can we feel safe? Well, there's only one sure-fire way that I know of to protect ourselves, and that's to institute a policy of eating our criminals! I can see the prosecuting attorneys now:

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the evidence has shown that the defendant knowingly and willfully caused the deaths of six innocent people by so-called 'wanderings' into the road. I say to you now: it is your civic DUTY to issue forth a verdict of guilty!! ...and to suggest a sentence of no less than being served medium-rare with a twice-baked potato, a side of asparagus and perhaps a nice bottle of Shirraz. Maybe a nice '92 from Sonoma? ...I'm just saying."

All I know is that when guilty verdicts come back in an era such as this, you won't hear as many people crying out: "Fry him!" Not when there are so many other better ways of preparing the guilty, other than frying.

So, if it becomes standard practice to eat the guilty - and I don't see why it shouldn't - I just hope we're selective in using that type of sentencing. It's one thing when the defendant is a cow, but we have to be careful when it's a human being -- though it would certainly give the 'an eye for an eye' system of punishment a whole new meaning. But we can't just eat anyone. While I'm sure that certain judges would revel in being able to find a purse-snatcher guilty and say, "I sentence you.....to brunch," I'm pretty sure we need to make sure that the punishment indeed fits the crime.

Case Numero Uno could very well involve Jose Luis Calva from Mexico City. He is a Mexican writer who was arrested for murdering his girlfriend. After being questioned by the police Calva confessed to killing her... "But I didn't eat her!" he claims. I don't even understand why he would have to defend himself for that. OK, so upon entering Calva's apartment they found fried human flesh on a dining table that was set with cutlery. And fine, more human flesh was in the refrigerator. And he happened to have a book titled "Cannibal Instincts."

Seems to me as if the Mexican authorities are just automatically jumping to wild conclusions. Calva simply claims that he did indeed murder his girlfriend, cut off her arm and leg so that he could dispense of it in parts, and as for cooking part of her...he was just going to feed it to the dogs. And being a rational person he thought it best to cook her first. See! Nowhere in the article does it even mention how kind he is to animals. Still, despite his probable affiliation with PETA, I think that Jose Luis Calva should be the first person we sentence to being eaten!

**"Excuses, Excuses, Excuses..."**

Now it's not like Calva needed to take the wrap for this murder/cannibalism. I guess when cornered, certain people just lack the necessary skills of having a good excuse. Or better yet, an alibi. He could have easily gone the route of Denver woman Brenda Hernandez who was accused of the attempted murder of her three children, ages 2, 3 and 7. Hernandez tried to drown her children in the bathtub, but luckily the police were called to her apartment by the aunt, and Brenda was arrested.

But you gotta give it up to Brenda! When the police knocked on the door, she was extremely deceitful by calling out: "No one's here. Go away." Then, when taken into custody Hernandez claimed that she was Christ. Yeah...and her three children were the anti-Christ. Sooooo, I guess I spoke too quickly when I said that "luckily" the police were called to her apartment. Because right now those three anti-Christs are walking around free in Denver. This would be a real bad instance of I-Told-You-So if those kids start wrecking havoc on the earth and destroying cities in pillars of fire.

Sometimes people are just caught with their pants down, so to speak. Or even completely speak. That seems to be the case for Dr. Mark Anderson, a dentist in Woodland, CA. Dr. Anderson has been accused of fondling the breasts of 27 female patients. And while nothing gets me in the mood for some feeling-up more than scraping plaque off of a few molars (just ask Mrs. Shoes), I think the good dentist had better come up with a valid excuse. And apparently he has!

Mark Anderson's lawyer says dental journals discuss the need to massage the pectoral muscles to treat a common jaw problem.
Police say Anderson said during recorded phone calls that he routinely massaged patients' chests to treat temporo-mandibular joint disorder, or TMJ, which causes neck and head pain.

You might be surprised, but that line has actually worked for me in the bar-scene, too. After getting slapped for sticking my hand up random girl's shirts, I would say, "Baby, please. I'm not trying to feel your hooters. I'm just trying to help relieve your tempero-mandibular joint disorder." Yeah, a big smile and a few shots of tequila later and most of those girls didn't have no more TMJ problems, I assure you that!

So maybe Dr. Anderson didn't need to use the excuse of calling himself Christ. And maybe we'll all be sorry someday when we start praying to Christ, er, Brenda Hernandez for forgiveness. I guess the bottom line is that sometimes it's just best to turn to the Lord in dire circumstances. Turn to the Good Book people!! Just like James Lee Sheppard, a county jailer in Mankato, MN. Last February, surveillance video showed Sheppard approaching an inmate who was reading the Bible in his cell. Sheppard then grabbed the Bible from the inmate and started to hit him with it, before grabbing him by the throat and slamming him against the bars. As it stands I don't think there's a crime for assault with the word of God, so Sheppard plead guilty to misdemeanor fifth-degree assault.

But finally I want to end with the continuing adventures of our good friend Senator Larry Craig. If you recall (not only from an earlier blog post titled "The Simple, Easy, It's All Coincidence, No-Duh Defense of Senator Larry Craig"), Senator Craig was arrested in a Minneapolis bathroom stall for attempting to solicit sex. He pled guilty to disorderly conduct, and then vowed to resign from the Senate because of the scandal. Well, since then Craig has rescinded his resignation and now vows to finish out his Seante term. And while his excuse isn't quite as elaborate as Ms. Hernandez's claim to be Christ, the conservative Senator from Idaho is going to the Minnesota Court of Appeals to say that the state's disorderly conduct law is unconstitutional as it applies to his conviction.

If you remember, Senator Craig was arrested by an undercover police officer after Craig made foot-tapping gestures in the stall that correspond with known gestures used by men trying to solicit sex in the bathrooms. His feet also rubbed up against the officer in the next stall, but Craig's perfectly understandable excuse was that he has a wide stance. He also was said to have swiped his hand under the stall - another indicator of wanting sex - but Craig claims that he was just picking up some toilet paper that had fallen to the floor. All good excuses!!

And this time Senator Craig has people on his side. Long-time friends of the conservative party, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), agrees with him. And I think the ACLU has the best excuse yet. They claim that all of these things Craig did in the bathroom are protected under the 1st Amendment of the Constitution, which gurantees freedom of speech. Fuck yeah it does!! (See, the 1st Amendment at work again.)

College Football Postseason: The Joke

2007-10-19T09:46:00.000-05:00

Arial view of the Hoover Dam.

(Not shown: the seventy-five year old man who represents the NCAA using his finger to plug a hole near the base of the dam.)
*********************************************

I thought I'd take a break from the usual and talk about college football. Normally I don't really care for the NCAA's version of football, but now, since my Kansas Jayhawks are 7-0 - and ranked #10 in the USA Today Coaches Poll - my motivation for paying attention has suddenly increased exponentially....meaning that my attention is now more than zero.

My disdain for college fooball has always been for a multiple of reasons:

a) I live in the heart of Big 10 "Country" yet I am not a fan of the Big 10 Conference at all...maybe it's because they have 11 schools. Can't people count? Unless you were pretty awful in shop class, ten would equal the number of digits combined on both of your hands. Of course, if you're still getting that wrong, maybe you belong in the Big 10. (I know I'll catch slack for that one...)

b) The Jayhawks are perennially a bad to mediocre football team. While a student, I went to the games because we got drunk first and wandered into the stadium. To our surprise there was a game going on.

c) Division I-A football has always had Bowl games serve as their "postseason", and therefore never been able to truly crown a National Champion.

**The Past**

So, how hard is it to just let the teams decide it on the field, you ask? Apparently, it's extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemely hard. After there were co-national champions in both 1990 & 1991, the NCAA decided to do something about it. So they started what was known as the Bowl Coalition (which lasted from 1992-1994). This was one of the most insane systems ever put in place. Just a summary of how it worked was that they took 8 teams and tried to place the top 2 against each other for the title. The 8 teams came from 5 conference champions, 2 runners-up from other conferences... and Notre Dame! Seriously. Somehow Notre Dame was always a part of the Bowl Coalition, no matter how good (or bad) their team was that year. Wha-Wha-WHAT?!

The entire idea of the Bowl Coalition could be summed up like this:

For a variety of reasons, the NCAA did away with the Bowl Coalition, and instead started the Bowl Alliance (1995-1997). For comparison's sake, if the Hoover Dam had a massive crack in it, the Bowl Coalition basically came along and tried to cover the crack with Band-Aids. When the Band-Aids didn't hold, the Bowl Alliance said, "Ah ha! I can fix the crack, because I know why the Band-Aids didn't work. You forgot to lick them!" Yeah, the Bowl Alliance was just as bad, this time involving 6 teams: 4 conference champions plus 2 at-large teams....oh yeah, and there were also special provisions for Notre Dame to get in. *sigh*

Wow, licking the Band-Aids didn't work either? Who woulda guessed?

So, in 1998 the NCAA went with a program called the Bowl Championship Series, or BCS, to determine the national champion. This system is still in use today so it must be all fixed, right? Uhhh no, not even close. The system has been wrought with controversy from the outset. You see, in every other sport the polls are simply a fun way to rank the top teams during the season...and that's all. The rankings don't really matter in other sports because a playoff system or tournament ends up deciding the national champion. But with the advent of the BCS, there is still no playoff system in college football and the Hoover Dam is bursting!

**The Present: Controversies of the BCS**

2000-2001 Season:
Oklahoma finshed the season undefeated and deserved to be in the National Championship game. But who should they play? The BCS chose Florida State, who only had one loss all season long. Easy enough, right? However, the Miami Hurricanse also had only one loss on the season...and not only that, Miami was the team that beat Florida State to give them their only loss!! So who did Miami's only loss come to? The Washington Huskies...and they, too, only had one loss all season long!! Mass confusion!! Florida State, Miami and Washington all had legitimate claims at the right to play Oklahoma for the Nat'l Title. But the BCS chose Florida State, and that was that. Miami & Washington??? Sorry....

2003-2004 Season:
An undefeated team is a pretty obvious choice to pick as one of the teams to play for the nat'l title. However, the '03-'04 season ended without anyone going undefeated. Oops! Even worse, SIX teams finished with only 1 loss on the year: Oklahoma, LSU, USC, Boise State, Miami Univ.(OH) and TCU. So how do you choose between them? Hmmm, what would the BCS do? Well, based upon who certain people thought were the two best teams, they chose LSU & Oklahoma to play for the title. Sounds fair, right? But USC was ranked #1 in both the AP & Coaches polls!

LSU ended up winning the BCS title game 21-14, so the Coaches Poll ranked LSU #1, making them the national champion...right?? Well, you tell me, because in the AP Poll, the sports writers kept USC in the #1 spot after they beat Michigan in the Rose Bowl. Ooooops! So now each poll had a different team ranked #1 at the end of the season.

So now there's not only the dispute between USC and LSU for who should truly be the national champion, but three other teams didn't even get a chance to play for it, despite having the same record. Buh.... Oh well, at least it can't get any stranger or more complicated than that, can it?

2004-2005 Season:
Ummmmmm. Yes it can. At the end of the season FIVE teams still remained undefeated. "Mother @&@%^*~@#," said the BCS. USC & Oklahoma were ranked #1 and #2 in the preseason polls, and by remaining undefeated throughout the season they were chosen to play in the BCS title game. But, Auburn, Boise State and Utah were also undefeated.

How in the world can you not give an undefeated team the chance to win a national championship? Because they weren't ranked high enough at the beginning of the season? How does that make any sense? Answer: it doesn't. But the BCS follwed that "logic" and crowned USC the national champion after they destroyed Oklahoma in the title game 55-19. However, Auburn and Utah both easily won their bowl games as well to also remain undefeated on the season. Three unbeaten teams, and only one nat'l champion???

How does that happen? It's outageous!!!! In fact it's barbaric! BARBARIC!! BARBARIC!!

Senator Robert Byrd getting emotional over Michael Vick's dogfighting scandal...it's funny no matter how many times you see it! (thanks to Reggie Newton, who showed me this clip.)

2006-2007 Season:
The season ended with two undefeated teams in the country. Phew! Nice and easy, right? Just let them play each other and it's winner take all! Ohio State was one of the unbeaten, and being ranked #1 in both polls they were a clear choice to play for the national championship. Boise State was the other unbeaten team, but since they don't play in a "BCS Conference" the BCS decided not to give them the shot at the title. There were four one-loss teams being considered instead: Louisville, Michigan, Wisconsin and Florida.

The BCS chose Florida to play Ohio State, and Florida won the game handily to claim the national championship. However, Boise State also won their bowl game to remain the ONLY undefeated team in college football that season. Yet sadly, they were not given the opportunity to even PLAY for the title. I don't need to tell you what I think that is...just ask Senator Byrd.

**The WHAT Bowl???**

So, what are we really holding on to tradition-wise? These games have been warped, become corporate-sponsored, and end up changing their names all the time or even going defunct. Ok, granted that these following games are a bit older, but they're still some of my favorite bowl-games that no longer even exist:

The Oil Bowl: played in Houston, TX from 1946-1947.
The Glass Bowl: played in Toledo, OH from 1946-1949.
The Cigar Bowl: played in Tampa, FL from 1947-1956.
The Salad Bowl: played in Phoenix, AZ from 1948-1952.
The Houston Bowl: aptly named, they played it in Houston, TX from 2000-2005...what I find funny is that this is the name they changed it to. It used be known as the game every little boy dreamed of one day playing in: The galleryfurniture.com Bowl.

And ironically enough, in Los Angeles, CA they hosted The Mercy Bowl in 1961 and 1971. Apparently mercy was only granted every 10 years...and then: NO MERCY!!!

"Strike first, strike hard, no mercy, sir!"

**The Future: A 16-Team Playoff System???**

As far as I can tell, it's not that difficult to figure out a playoff system, and there are many different scenarios that would work. After some discussions with Our Man In L.A., we've devised a pretty viable option that should keep everyone happy.

The regular season for most of college football ends this year on Nov. 24th. This puts the conference championship games on Dec. 1st. Let's give the teams two weeks to rest after that.

Selection Tuesday: Tuesday, Dec. 3rd
The Top 16 teams will be chosen for the 1st Round of the NCAA College Football Championship Series. 7 automatic bids plus 9 at-large bids.

6 of the automatic bids will be filled by the champions from the major conferences: Big 10, Big 12, Big East, ACC, SEC and Pac-10. The 7th automatic bid will be selected from the various champions of the mid-major conferences: Conference USA, Mountain West, Mid American, Western Athletic or Sun Belt. The 9 at-large bids as well as the seedings will be determined by a panel of NCAA representatives, much like the basketball tournament. As a rule, no more than 4 teams from one conference will be chosen....Also, any undefeated team automatically receives a bid to the playoffs. So if 2 mid-major teams go unbeaten, they both receive an automatic bid, and now there are only 8 at-large bids, keeping it still extremely fair.

ROUND ONE: Thursday, Dec. 13th - Saturday, Dec. 15th
For the sake of argument, let's look at who might be making up the field of 16 this season, as of October 21st:

Automatic Bids:
Big 10: Ohio State (8-0)
Big 12: Kansas (7-0)
Big East: South Florida (6-1)
ACC: Boston College (7-0)
SEC: LSU (7-1)
Pac-10: Arizona State (7-0)
(mid-major) WAC: Hawaii (7-0)

9 At-Large Bids:
As of right now, there are probably 18 teams that have a legitimate shot at grabbing one of the 9 bids. Of those, 7 stand out as definites: Oregon (6-1), USC (6-1), Florida (5-2), West Virginia (7-1), Missouri (6-1), Oklahoma (7-1), Virginia Tech (6-1). This leaves 2 open spots, with up to 9 teams fighting for them. Obviously there will be some difficult decisions to be made, but I would take Texas & Kentucky to fill out the bids.

The 16 teams will then be seeded, with the caveat that in each sub-bracket of 4, there will be no more than 1 team from each conference. So the field could very well look like this:

#1 Ohio State vs. #16 Hawaii
#8 Kansas vs. #9 USC

#4 Oklahoma vs. #13 Kentucky
#5 Arizona St. vs. #12 West Virginia

#3 LSU vs. #14 Virginia Tech
#6 Oregon vs. #11 Missouri

#2 Boston College vs. #15 Texas
#7 South Florida vs. #10 Florida

ROUND TWO: Saturday, Dec. 22nd
Eight teams remain from the 1st Round. Here in the 2nd Round is where we can start incorporating Bowl games into the playoff system.

The Fiesta Bowl gets the winners of the 1-16 and 8-9 games. Possible matchup: #1 Ohio State vs. #9 USC

The Chik-fil-A/Peach Bowl gets the winners of the 4-13 and 5-12 games. Possible matchup: #4 Oklahoma vs. #12 West Virginia

The Cotton Bowl gets the winners of the 3-14 and 6-11 games. Possible matchup: #3 LSU vs. #11 Missouri

The Gator Bowl gets the winners of the 2-15 and 7-10 games. Possible matchup: #2 Boston College vs. #10 Florida

ROUND THREE: The Final Four - January 1st, 2008
Just as it is now, the "Big 3" bowl games will represent the Final Four of college football on a rotating basis. Every year the championship game will switch between the Rose Bowl, Orange Bowl and Sugar Bowl. A very possible Final Four this season could be as such:

The Orange Bowl: #1 Ohio State vs. #4 Oklahoma
The Sugar Bowl: #3 LSU vs. #10 Florida

NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: January 8th, 2008
The Rose Bowl: #1 Ohio State vs. #3 LSU

**END RESULTS...**

The history of the bowl games has drawn excitement mainly from the alumni and fans of the two schools playing in each particular game. That, combined with the fact that it's a great tradition to have a bunch of bowl games to watch every January 1st, is the main draw. But, in a playoff system, wouldn't it have an even greater draw for some of these other bowl games if the teams playing in them were still fighting to be #1? Wouldn't it be an even bigger draw to the general public to watch the Peach Bowl if the winner moved on to the Final Four? Revenue-wise, it would be even bigger and better for the schools themselves and for the networks.

This playoff system gives all deserving teams a fair chance on the field to earn the crown of national champion, and also keeps in tact the tradition of the bowl games. However, the "tradition" of still being unsure that the team voted #1 at the end of the season is the true national champion... Yeah, that's a tradition I think we could do without.

Consider this: As it stands now in the BCS, it is the Coaches Poll at the end of the season that technically crowns the national champion. In fact, the poll is simply an opinion poll all season long....until the final one. Because in the final one the Coaches Poll is contractually obligated to vote the winner of the BCS Title game into the #1 spot. So basically the BCS is saying, "Of course the Coaches Poll is an opinion poll....But HERE'S your opinion!"

With the bowl games serving to accentuate the playoff system, everyone wins. The title gets decided on the field with all of the best teams playing for it. The way it should be.

Of course, now I just need to get the NCAA to listen to my proposal...does anyone have their phone number?

The Twilight Zone of Bartending Hangover Diaries

2007-10-15T10:21:00.000-05:00

Kansas vs. Baylor in Lawrence, KS. KU won 58-10 to improve to 6-0 on the season.
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**The Twilight Zone**

Things may be coming to an end, folks. I don't mean to be an alarmist, but...VERY SOON THE WORLD IS GOING TO END IN A RAGING FIRE, CONSUMING ALL AND STRIKING DOWN THE WICKED!!

Ok, so maybe I'm slightly overreacting (a bit). But there certainly are some crazy things afoot in the world and it all hits home when I see that my beloved Kansas Jayhawks are ranked #15 in both the current AP & Coaches polls....ummm, no, not in basketball. But in football!! KU is also ranked #13 in the BCS Poll. Does this mean that the Jayhawks could win a national title in football before they do in basketball?? If only the drunk Wisconsin fan from my fishing trip (see the 'Fishing vs. Football' blog post) was here now. "Where is Kansas?" he asked. Well, right now we're 6-0 and wayyyyyy ahead of Wisonsin who is no longer even ranked. I don't know much, but I know that! This is why I love when people get into arguments over whose favorite team is better. You might as well be arguing what's really inside a tub of 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.' Then what the hell is it?!?!

When a KU football team becomes 6-0, ranked ahead of USC & Florida in the BCS poll, what kind of world are we living in? Is it the nexus of the universe, like Kramer on 'Seinfeld' when he found himself at the corner of 1st and 1st? Or are we in some kind of 'Twilight Zone' episode, like the one where little Anthony ruled the adults in his household with the fear of sending them into the cornfield?

(someone's nostalgic take on the Twilight Zone episode:)
"It's good what you done Anthony. It's real good."

**The Bartending Diaries...**

While I'm searching for stories to add into the blog I separate them into categories, and see where they naturally fall. Some of them are made for the "Hangover Havens" or "The Bartending Diaries"...or even "God in the News." But again, it's that Twilight Zone set of circumstances when the stories tend to fall into all 3!!

This past Saturday I bartended a party at this couple's house in Hinsdale. Upon walking into the house my first thought was that some little girl's Easy Bake Oven had just exploded. There wasn't a 6 square-inch spot on the wall, in any room of the house, that was left bare. Pictures, paintings, shelving with knick-knacks; rooms decorated like red-and-white checkered picnic blankets; doll-houses acted as the bases of coffee tables; glass-doored cabinets hung on the walls, and encased in them were 100s of tiny figurines: horses, dolphins...and even miniature glass-doored cabinets, which almost made me pass out trying to peer into infinity. Even in the bathroom I was afraid of which hand-towel I was supposed to use. There were 6 to choose from, hanging from little racks on the wall, all of them different colors. Luckily, they were all stitched with the word "Guest" on them. Phew! I'm not sure which hand-towels the owners of the house used, but I try not to think too hard on it. Still, I feared that if I stayed in this house for too long I would end up as just another figurine, lost in this crazy lady's house of organized trinkets.

The party at least turned out to be somewhat normal. They were only serving appetizers, so it seemed a bit odd that around 100 guests showed up - the ladies wearing cocktail dresses and the men were in suits and ties - as if it were a formal gathering. I felt as if I was at the 50-year reunion of a Young Republican's Club: everyone was old, white and - with the choices of an entire open bar - drinking copious amounts of white wine...yes, the men, too.

I suppose it could have been a lot worse, though. At least I didn't have any guests at this party approach me with the insane rantings that I heard while recently working a party on the northwest side of Chicago. This is where "The Bartending Diaries" meets "God in the News" and that's never a good combo, is it?

It was a backyard family party thrown for a kid who had just graduated high school. Or maybe it wasn't just a family party? I'm only assuming so because of the 40 people at the party the kid only invited 3 friends. Maybe that's all he had? I know that's sort of mean-spirited to suggest, but it did kind of make sense when I saw another young kid show up completely overdressed in a suit and tie. As I poured the guests their drinks I watched as the overdressed kid walked randomly up to people and asked them if they'd like to see a card trick. Whoa!! Nerd Alert!!

Now, if he had been attending Washington State University he might even have been purchased! That's right, there was talk of hosting a "Nerd Auction" for sorority girls. Ben Ford, president of the Linux Users Group at Washington State, was promoting the idea that:

"You can buy a nerd and he'll fix your computer, help you with stats homework, or if you're really adventurous, take you to dinner!"

...and perhaps ask if you've ever seen a certain card trick before. Chicks always fall for that! Now I don't know if this makes it better for the graduate or not, but as it turns out the suit-wearing kid was actually a magician hired for the event....of 40 people....at a high school graduation party. Yeah, a kid doing card tricks. Need I say more?

It was about an hour into the party when one of the older guests walked up and ordered a screwdriver. Easy enough, vodka and orange juice. I pour the vodka and when I reach for the OJ, that's when he turned into a true pleasure...

Guest: "Is that California orange juice or Florida orange juice?"

Shoes: "I really don't have any idea. It's Tropicana."

Guest: "Oh, that's California. I won't drink that."

Shoes: "I'm sorry?"

Guest: "Don't you know that California oranges are loaded with chemicals that are poisoning us? All of the produce that comes out of California is getting poisoned with these chemicals. If you eat just one, you're fine...but if you eat them for 20 years it builds up and it's killing people."

Shoes: "You're kidding, right?"

Guest: "This is all the truth. And you can't ask doctors about it, either."

Shoes: "Becaauussssse...?"

Guest: "The doctors all know about this. Look it up, it's fact. But there's nothing they can do about it, so they don't tell anyone."

Shoes: "About the oranges."

Guest: "Yes. It's fact. And you can't argue with fact. There's only one other thing you can't argue with, and it's fact, too. You know what that is?"

Shoes: "I'm kind of afraid to ask."

Guest: "The Bible."

Shoes: "Ah....Did you want, like, cranberry juice with the vodka then?"

Guest: "Sure. You know you can't argue with the Bible because it's fact." (He leans in towards me...) "Come here for a second."

Shoes: (I play along and lean in to hear him) "Here's your drink."

Guest: "Do you know who the last people are going to be getting into Heaven?"

Shoes: "I'm going to go out on a limb here, because I have a good idea where you're going with this....but I'm going to say me! I'm pretty sure I'll be the last one in."

Guest: "The Jews."

Shoes: (sighs heavily)

Guest: "You see, the Jews don't believe in Jesus Christ, and that's what gets you into Heaven."

Shoes: "That's it? Not even if I like save a bunch of kids' lives from a burning building on my way home tonight? That won't get me in?"

Guest: "It's in the Bible. And it's fact. You can't argue with fact."

Shoes: "No. I guess you can't."

I'm not lying here when I say that for the remainder of the night, this guest - who was maybe the kid's grandpa? or great-uncle? - sat by himself in the corner of the yard, drinking his vodka-cranberry. Everyone has the right to believe what they want to; however, I'm sorry, but since no one can claim to know with 100% certainty which religion is correct...or even if there is a God...then people need to stop condemning others to Hell. That's my new rule...especially in a bar, or a backyard. Or pretty much anywhere. All of the anti-Semitic remarks aside, I never bothered to ask him if he was sure that the cranberries in that juice he was drinking didn't also come from California. Oh, the irony! Well, if he was right about one thing it's that you can't argue with fact. And I think it's safe to assume that it's a fact that he probably didn't have 20 years left anyway to wait for the poisoned fruit to kill him. Now I'm not wishing him ill-will, but I was certainly hoping that the magician could make him disappear. But he couldn't...what a fraud!

**The Hangover Haven...God-Style!**

Now I don't know if this party guest woke up with a hangover or not, but I'm pretty sure that he didn't feel one bit sorry for the comments he made to me. In fact he probably thought he was saving me. How sweet of him - somebody should (or needs to). But at least he was pretty much confined to a backyard, and left to sit by himself with his thoughts. It gets worse when things are said by public figures.

"I SAID WHAT?!"

For those of you who don't know Ann Coulter, she's a very prominent, right-wing, ultra-Conservative columnist/author who spreads a wonderfully joyous message of good will, peace, prosperity and - above all - tolerance! Oh yes, she does so in her books. And you can tell how open-minded and well-balanced she is from the title of her new enlightening book If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans.

So, I guess it comes as a major, shocking surprise when Ann Coulter (or Coultergeist, as Keith Olbermann is prone to calling her) goes out to promote her book and just says the most insanely disrespectful and ludicrous things:

But it certainly helps her promote her book, that's for sure! Nothing like stirring up controversy in order to sell a few extra copies, and to make a few bucks. Now, I know that a lot of people have viewed her comments as anti-Semitic...and I'm not sure I entirely agree with that assessment. It's not so much that she hates Jews, or wants them killed, it's just that she's so blinded by her own elitist views that her capacity for tolerance is nil. She loves to talk of the country's founders and their ideals of freedom to practice any religion...but when called into action on that, she succumbs to the weakened view of 'I'm right and you're wrong...and I wish I could change you to make you more like me.' Trust me Ann: no one wants to be like you.

On top of all her superiority-complexes and elitist views, I still think my favorite part once again describes the fabric of these ultra-Conservatives to a T. Just as Laura Ingraham (as shown in "The Hangover Haven, Chapter 1") believes that the fictional television show '24' provides a referendum for the U.S. to torture people - seriously, she said that! - Ann Coulter takes to 'Seinfeld' to provide the evidence for her arguments:

Coulter: "You walk past a mixed-race couple in New York, and it's like they have a chip on their shoulder, waiting for somebody to say something, as if anybody would."

Donny Deutsch: "I don't agree with that at all. Maybe you have the chip looking at them, I don't know. I see a lot of inter-racial couples and I don't see any more or less chips there either way."

Coulter: "No. In fact there was an entire Seinfeld episode about Elaine and her boyfriend dating because they wanted to be a mixed-race couple. So you're lying."

Deutsch: "Oh, because it's in a Seinfeld episode. Ok."

She did come back on the program though, after the commercial break, trying to defend her comments...and only made herself look even worse:

Coulter explains herself

Isn't it bad enough that she apparently speaks for all Christians and says "We just want Jews to be perfected"? Nope! Not good enough for Coultergeist though. She then tries to defend her comments using (what to her is) rational thought. Her complete lack of self-awareness is amazing. Her unwavering belief that her's is the only opinion worth hearing and believing in is the epitomy of ignorance. And Deutsch nailed it when he called her on it:

Deutsch: "Your exact words were 'Jews need to be perfected.'"

Coulter: "No, I'm saying that's what a Christian is."

Deutsch: "Don't you see how hateful and anti-Semitic..."

Coulter: "Nooooooo."

Deutsch: "You're an educated woman."

Coulter: "That isn't hateful at alllll."

Deutsch: "Well, that's even a scarier thought."

Amen, brother!

But is any of it shocking? Didn't I warn you at the top of this post that the world is ending soon? This is the end of days people!! Things couldn't be crazier!! We're at the corner of 1st and 1st in New York City with Kramer!! The Kansas Jayhawks' football team is 6-0 and poised to make a run at a possible berth in a BCS bowl game. Dogs and cats...living together!! High school graduates are now hiring magicians to work the crowd at their parties. It's crazy bedlam!! We're in 'The Twilight Zone' people. And this must mean that we need to placate the lunatics in charge: "What you said was good Ann. Hating liberals and blacks and Jews is good...real good!!" It's mass hysteria!! Judgment Day cometh, and it cometh soon...eth.

And when the sooneth becomes now then all of the righteous believers will be saved, while everyone else will perish and spend eternity burning in Hell! And this has to be true...because people like the Pope, Ann Coulter and crazy old men who don't eat fruit from California say so!!

SO I TELL ALL OF YOU NOW, REPENT AND A-.......Wait. Sorry, what was that? The Cubs made the playoffs but lost? Oh. Right. Then, never mind all of that. Everything's fine and the world's normal. My bad.

New York, New York: A City So Nice They Named It Twice

2007-10-09T12:45:00.000-05:00

(this photo has nothing to do with our trip to NY...I just thought I'd post a sunset pic from our honeymoon in Maui...)
********

Mrs. Shoes and I celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary last Sunday, October 7th. Figuring that we only had 6 years left in our marriage (if the proposed legislation in Germany ever catches on here that would make all marriages only last for 7 years, as highlighted in an earlier post of the Hangover Haven, chapter 1) we decided to take a 3-day weekend and head off to New York City. Since the traditional 1st anniversary gift is paper, I decided that plane tickets would be more practical than divorce papers. "Happy anniversary honey! These will save us so much time 6 years from now!" Oh, the romance. Yeah, plane tickets was a better decision.

On Friday, we boarded our flight to La Guardia airport, and not until we were seated were we informed that there would be about a 50-minute delay in taking off. Now, I've never understood why airlines decide to board planes anyway when they know these kinds of things. Can't they just board a little later, giving us time to finish another plate of chicken fingers from T.G.I. Friday's? (Speaking of which, we need better food in our airports - especially O'Hare.) Nevertheless, we arrived in New York and decided to play the first night by ear. Our hotel was on the east side of Midtown at the Sofitel on 44th. The concierge made reservations for us across the street at a little Italian restaurant and it was pretty good. I ordered veal scallopine because....well, come on, it's pretty fun to say "I'll have-a the veal scallopine."

From there we walked a while thru the city until we found a bar to sit down in for a drink. Then we moved on and found another, more lounge-ish place to have another cocktail. We stayed for awhile but then left around midnight as the shades were drawn closed and the lounge started to transform into a hip-hop nightclub. It seemed like fun, but my dancing skillz ain't what they used to be....well, let me re-phrase: in fact, they're exactly what they used to be. Which is the problem.

We woke up on Saturday knowing that the whole day was pretty much open to us. We wanted to grab some breakfast, see a museum, etc. So we headed up north towards Central Park and meandered up the east side of the Park only to realize that apparently people who live on the Upper East Side must never eat breakfast because there were absolutely zero places that opened before 11:00am ... Not even a Starbuck's. It took forever but we finally found a little diner, and honestly just the act of sitting down was as enjoyable as the pancakes and coffee. Then we made our way back to the Park and continued north up to the the Guggenheim Museum. The museum's unique concept takes a central theme and spreads out the art over 5-6 floors of the museum as visitors walk up a continuous wide spiral to reach the top, viewing the art along the way. Right now they are featuring the works of Richard Prince: an interesting guy, very modern, yet seems to love crappy old jokes. (He even incorporated the Abraham Lincoln one that I referenced in the Hangover Haven, Chapter 2.)

We walked back to the Park and made our way south. There really isn't anything else like Central Park and just walking in it is relaxing and fun. Not to mention it's a people-watching feast, and an 85-degree Saturday in October brings everyone outside! Finally we decided to try finding a little place in the Village called Pasti's. Mrs. Shoes had seen it featured in her Sex and the City shows so she was dying to try it out for a mid-afternoon lunch. A subway ride south, a walk west to 9th Ave and 12th and we finally found it. Luckily, it lived up to the hype: yeah, a couple of french martinis usually does the trick, not to mention fresh oysters and good food.

On our way back to the hotel we wandered past the HBO Store, and found a few items of interest: keeping with the Pasti's theme, a little Sex and the City shirt for Mrs. Shoes that says "I'll find my inner goddess if it kills me"; and a pint glass for Shoes from Curb Your Enthusiasm that explains Larry David perfectly - there's a blue line around the middle of the glass and it says "Half Empty" both above and below the line. Better yet, an employee of the store recommended a little sushi place to us for dinner that was within walking distance, Sushi Osaka on 8th Ave and 37th. The sushi was great and without any of the fanfare of crowded New York restaurants... in fact, for awhile we were the only two people sitting down. Usually, an empty restaurant is not a good sign, but for a place the locals enjoy, it was perfect.

Sunday, we woke up on our anniversary with an actual agenda for the day. To start, we were meeting Mrs. Shoes' friends Kevin and Frank back down in the Village for brunch. We ate at a little place called FoodBar on 8th Ave and 18th, and the breakfast was phenom. Again, maybe it was the really vodka'd-up bloody marys and the mimosas that helped but the food was Yum-Delish, too. Good food, good company, good times. Afterward, we jumped in a cab in order to make a 2pm matinee of the long-running musical Rent. It was good. I'm not sure it's as great as it's made out to be, but it's still very good - the 2nd Act is better than the 1st.

Afterwards, we fought the throngs of tourists in Times Square because Mrs. Shoes wanted to find a popcorn store that she was hoping was still there. Sure enough it was, up on 48th. Now, I do think that Times Square is certainly an interesting urban jungle, but it's become Disneyland. The crowds are killer and after you've seen it once, there's really no need at all to return. But alas, I was wrong again. Apparently, there is a need: chocolate-chunk popcorn.

Which brings us to dinner. We had made reservations at a steakhouse called Ben Benson's, up on 52nd. A little online research showed that it appeared to be a pretty nice place to eat. However, we walked into the restaurant at 6:45pm and right away something didn't seem quite right in Dodge. First of all, not that it effects the quality of food in the least, but steakhouses are usually dimly lit for atmosphere. This place was as bright as the Christmas Tree in Rockefeller Center. Strike One. We were taken to our table, which wasn't hard to get to since there were only 6 other people in the entire restaurant. Unlike the local sushi place, steakhouses are supposed to be busy and full of life...and patrons. Ben Benson's was just dead. Strike Two. We were given menus and noticed that not all of the items that appeared on the online menu really matched up with what was actually served: no lobster bisque, a fav of Mr. and Mrs. Shoes...and not even a ribeye steak. Two and a haaaaaaaalllllllllf. The waiter returned to ask if we wanted a glass of wine, and pretty much threw the wine menu at us. Since the menu was all by-the-bottle and we were just wanting a pre-dinner cocktail at that point, we asked if there was a menu for wine by-the-glass. The waiter basically said, "Yes, it's up on the wall....behind you....and behind that tall plant that you cannot see thru....or around....so you'll have to get up to see it." Strike Three. Yeah, we got up, told the waiter that we had changed our minds and left. Happy Anniversary!

Needing a new dinner plan, we walked south and found Del Frisco's, another steakhouse. I had eaten at the one in Las Vegas and it was muchos goodos. We looked at the menu, and it didn't strike us as overly impressive though. Plus there was a long wait, and we were getting hungry. So we left. Happy Anniversary!

You, uhhh, kinda get where this is going, right? So we called information to get the phone number for Spark's, a steakhouse that we ate at 2 years ago and loved. Once connected, there was a short conversation:

Spark's Employee: "Sparks Steakhouse."

Shoes: (thinking that this guy is very difficult to understand) "Hi. Where are you located?"

Spark's: (it's tough to decipher, but I can just make out him saying) "...On 46th, between 2nd and 3rd..."

Shoes: "Great. And do you have an opening for two people this evening if we walk in?"

Spark's: "Wfghr hyu#f0gfb yes fg povmrtqwe."

Shoes: "Ummmm..."

Mrs. Shoes: (off to the side) "What did he say?"

Shoes: "I don't exactly know, but I heard a 'yes' in there."

Sparks: "Huh?"

Shoes: "No, not you. Ok, thanks, we'll see you in a few minutes."

Sparks: "grjre *h6m^ls"

Well, it's kind of a hike from where we were, but the food is definitely worth the walk. "Should we cab it?" I ask. Naaaaah. So, we make our way over east and finally walk into the restaurant. Something seems amiss, as all of the chairs are propped up on top of the tables. Playing the role of Captain Obvious I ask someone, "Are you closed?" I mean, what kind of answer was I expecting? Yeah, apparently the hard-to-understand part of the phone conversation was actually the important part about them not being open on Sundays. Happy Anniversary!

At this point, it's just after eight o'clock and we both just want food. So we walk back west on 46th and pass a little Italian joint called Via Italiana. We're told by an old man (and, as it turns out, employee) that this is the best Italian food in New York. "I have lived here 25 years and this is the very best you'll find," he says. Um. It wasn't. To be fair, it wasn't bad... It just wasn't what we were hoping for in our meal that evening. Happy Anniversary!

So now we just want to grab some drinks on our last night in New York and we take the advice of our neighbors, Nicole and Chris, to visit Stone Rose, a bar in the Time Warner Building in the Columbus Circle. We cab it up there and it's actually a very sheek/shique/Shiek (spelling?) sort of bar/lounge and there's a fantastic view of the fountain thru the large windows. The martinis and drinks are typically priced for New York, but hey, where else can you get a mangomint mojito?? Our waitress tells us that we're a day late for star-watching though, as the previous night had Tommy Lee Jones and Holly Hunter in there....oh, and George Clooney was also recently in with his girlfriend. However, the only VIPs we saw were a few older ladies who appeared to be members of the Red Hat Club. But, the drinks were great, the atmosphere and view were very cool, and it was a very nice way to end an evening. Happy Anniversary!!!
*****
(And since we really don't have any pics to share with you from our trip to the Big Apple, I just figured we'd go back a year to the honeymoon in Maui - where we were both able to act like complete fools at a luau. See, here's Mrs. Shoes hangin' loose....)

(...and here's Shoes hoarding all the drinks at our table.)

Hangover Haven, Chapter 2

2007-10-03T13:36:00.000-05:00

"Oh, no more yanky my wanky...
the Donger need food!"
***************************

And so Chapter II begins...

"I SAIDS WHATS?! "

There's a popular belief that Franklin D. Roosevelt may never have been elected as our 32nd President if there had been televised debates, because people would not have voted for a man in a wheelchair. The reverse of that claim surfaced when Nixon apparently lost his debates with John F. Kennedy because he looked like an awful sweating hog on television. If these theories hold any truth in them, then the question must be raised as to whether or not George W. Bush would ever have been elected President if not for televised debates. Just think of all the stumblings and bumblings that fall out of W's mouth... now imagine if the only medium to hear them in was radio! Would people ever have voted for a man with such a limited grasp on the spoken English word?

Yes, there are countless examples of these "Bushisms" as they're known. Such as this audio clip, or this one, or one of my personal favorites. Now, even though the human being and fish can coexist peacefully according to Bush, he still needs to learn that when speaking about literacy or the education of our children that he needs to exhibit at least a semblance of competent speaking himself. Which is what's so sad about his latest comment:

"Children's Do Learn." Yesums, me supposes they does.

Now as easily as these things are turned into "I Said What?!" hangover moments, it's not as simple to explain them all away. Like when Bush declared that Nelson Mandela was dead:

Even if he was trying to make an analogy, it was a horribly stupid one.

In fact, this ranks right up there with the completely innacurate reporting in 1991 on the death of legendary singer James Brown (see the clip below), when in fact James Brown was actually alive until earlier this year.

"I SAID WHAT?!"

A long time ago I remember hearing a pretty terrible joke:

"What did Abraham Lincoln say after he went on a 2-week drinking binge?" ..... "I freed who?!"

And while the concept of the Hangover Haven can be summed up in the "I Said What?!" style of that joke, it's the people who think that the joke holds any ring of truth to it that frighten me. Which brings me to the unbelievable article posted on the right-wing website Townhall.com written by former movie-critic Michael Medved titled "Six Inconvenient Truths About the U.S. and Slavery." This is truly shocking to read! It puts a whooole new spin on the phrase "When life hands you lemons, just make lemonade." No, I'm sorry Michael. Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that what you have in your hands are just that: lemons. They're sour and you can't squeeze a drinkable juice from them no matter how much sugar you add to it.

Here's one of the things that Medved wrote:

"...at least 97% of all African men, women and children who were kidnapped, sold, and taken from their homes, were sent somewhere other than the British colonies of North America. In this context there is no historical basis to claim that the United States bears primary, or even prominent guilt for the depredations of centuries of African slavery."

Ahhhhhh, the "but everyone was doing it" defense. I'm sure that kind of reasoning helped some of the Donner Party members sleep better at night, too. Of course, once they fell asleep they were then eaten.

Medved also wrote:

"SLAVERY EXISTED ONLY BRIEFLY, AND IN LIMITED LOCALES, IN THE HISTORY OF THE REPUBLIC – INVOLVING ONLY A TINY PERCENTAGE OF THE ANCESTORS OF TODAY’S AMERICANS."

First of all I'm not shouting at you - writing this in ALL CAPS was not an accident. This is actually how he wrote it in his article, as if making a very strong point. Worse than that, he followed up that "point" by writing:

"Even in the South, more than 80% of the white population never owned slaves. Given the fact that the majority of today’s non-black Americans descend from immigrants who arrived in this country after the War Between the States, only a tiny percentage of today’s white citizens – perhaps as few as 5% -- bear any authentic sort of generational guilt for the exploitation of slave labor."

I can't really fathom where Medved's going with this other than to suggest that all the people who owned slaves are dead....so we're square. Then it goes back to the ALL CAPS for Medved as he states the 3rd of his supposed "inconvenient truths":

"THOUGH BRUTAL, SLAVERY WASN’T GENOCIDAL: LIVE SLAVES WERE VALUABLE BUT DEAD CAPTIVES BROUGHT NO PROFIT."

Finally!!!! A defense that makes sense in terms of the conservative movement. Basically: ok, it was kind of brutal, I'll give you that one....but we tried not to KILL our slaves, because that would have dipped into our profits! So, it wasn't genocide. Hmmmm.... And it also wasn't mail fraud, so don't try pinning that on the slave owners, too!

Here is where I really wish that I could just move on and not have to post this last comment from Michael Medved, but it's one that just makes your jaw drop....obviously, it's posted in ALL CAPS as well:

"THERE IS NO REASON TO BELIEVE THAT TODAY’S AFRICAN-AMERICANS WOULD BE BETTER OFF IF THEIR ANCESTORS HAD REMAINED BEHIND IN AFRICA."

Ya See! Come on people, this is so clear! Fine, slavery was "bad". But if you're handed lemons, you just gotta make lemonade. We all know that to make lemonade you just need to add sugar to sweeten it. And I gotta be honest with you, the sugar needed to sweeten the lemons is a hell of a lot easier to produce if you've got slave labor harvesting the sugarcane. I'm just saying.

WOW! Apparently, this has to be the ultimate in ends-justifies-the-means arguments. (Of course the "means" in this case refers to kidnapping, human sales, the splintering of families, enslavement, beatings and more than 100 years of racial hatred and inequality, even after they were set "free".) But I do have a question about this: Isn't the ends-justifies-the-means argument usually only applied when the ends are a goal that you strive to achieve, no matter the means of how you reach that goal? Following this logic, is Michael really suggesting that slaves were brought here for labor, with the long-term goal of one day being set free so that their descendants could make a better life for themselves? Seriously?! It was all a big plan!!

So, in essence, slavery in the U.S. was actually just a For-the-Greater-Good kind of action? Mmmmmmm....who wants lemonade?!

"I SAID WHAT?!" (...or "SAY WHAT?!" )

Unfortunately, Medved isn't the only person who subscribes to a very warped and elitist view of the world. So, does it really come as a surprise when Bill O'Reilly gets caught making racist remarks? On his Sept. 19th radio broadcast he was talking about his recent dining experience with Al Sharpton at Sylvia's, a famous restaurant in Harlem. O'Reilly said that he:

“had a great time, and all the people up there are tremendously respectful,”

adding:

“I couldn’t get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia’s restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it’s run by blacks, primarily black patronship.”

Wow! Now how can that be taken as racist? In typical O'Reilly fashion he claims that his remarks were taken out of context. What a great Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card that is! Apparently, he feels that he can spout off any kind of remarks he wants to and then fall back on the time-proven: "When I said that, what I really meant was..."

And that makes sense, right? Shouldn't people always be given a chance to explain away their racist remarks, rather than face the consequences - and reality - of just being a racist? I mean, I'm sure O'Reilly has a perfectly good explanation for what he also said right after those remarks:

“There wasn’t one person in Sylvia’s who was screaming, ‘M-Fer, I want more iced tea.’ You know, I mean, everybody was — it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn’t any kind of craziness at all.”

Wow...What I think Bill O'Reilly MEANT to say was, "Who wants some M-Fing lemonade? It's sugary sweeeeeeeet."

Shoes' Funnies, Chapter 1: Ninjas, Desert and Kubrick

2007-10-01T11:19:00.000-05:00

Bananas Foster: On Special at Denny's

********************************************

Contrary to popular belief, the world isn't really a strange place. It's the people living in the world that are strange. While I've never been one to believe that "normal" is the best way to go thru life, there always seems to be certain individuals who push the limits and just do some crazy sh*t that doesn't make sense....or maybe it does???

NINJAS!

If you're down on your luck, can't find a job and just need to pay the bills somehow, you might think of turning to crime. It's not pretty, recommended or even legal, but baby's gotta eat. So, you need to play to your skillz at this point. That's why two females in Kentucky robbed a gas station...dressed as ninjas!

If these girls are real ninjas then this might not even be the whole story. There were probably 10-20 other ninjas on the scene that weren't caught by the security camera, because we all know that ninjas are quick and stealthy. What we didn't know is that apparently ninjas also are chain-smokers and fans of Bingo, since what they stole were cigarettes and lottery tickets.

At first I didn't know how to feel about this whole story. So I decided to Ask a Ninja...and while this clip doesn't tell us anything about the gas station ninja-thieves, it does give us a glimpse into a ninja's relationship with physics (and is pretty damn funny for the first 1:35 of the clip):

"I need to hang up here longer than the 'theory of gravity' wants me to."

************************

I guess it just makes you wonder whether ninjas are more prevalent in the world than we believe. I mean, they could be killing people all over the place and we wouldn't ever suspect ninjas. Aren't they known for cutting off people's limbs with their swords? If so, then how can we be sure that the man who found a human leg in a smoker that he bought at an auction wasn't the work of ninjas? OK, I'm not even going to get into the question of who buys a smoker at an auction. ("Do-I-hear-twenty-twenty-twenty-dollars-it's-a-real-fine-smoker-I-got-twenty-dollars-do-I-hear-twenty-five-anyone-twenty-five-folks-we'll-even-throw-in-a-human-leg-for-free-ok-I-got-twenty-five-do-I-hear-thirty?") But you buy your smoker, bring it home, set it up in the backyard and prepare to have over a few friends... and then you open up the lid to find a human leg inside of it? "Ummm, honey, when I asked if you wanted a breast or a thigh, you could have just told me what you wanted..."

WHO'S UP FOR DESERT?

And speaking of cooking something up, I hope that those female ninjas actually hit the jackpot on one of those scratch-and-win lottery tickets that they stole. Because they're definitely going to need the cash if they want to have desert in Sri Lanka. The Fortress, a local Sri Lankan resort, has created a dish called "The Fortress Stilt Fisherman Indulgence" which they are touting as the world's most expensive desert. For the small price of $14,500.00 they say:

"The dessert is a gold leaf Italian cassata flavored with Irish cream, served with a mango and pomegranate compote and a champagne sabayon enlighten. [It] is decorated with a chocolate carving of a fisherman clinging to a stilt, an age old local fishing practice, and an 80 carat aquamarine stone."

I guess that the point of the desert is distraction. This way you can stare at a chocolate figure of an old guy fishing on stilts, and wonder why you just spent $14,500.00 on it, rather than continually asking yourself the more important question of "What the hell am I doing in Sri Lanka?!" And while they haven't actually sold one of these deserts yet, I hear that the bananas foster is delicious for $7.25.

As with everything, it all comes down to marketing. You can sell (or at least try to sell) anything in this world if you know how to market it - even an ungodly-priced desert. It's all in how you present it. Which brings me to one of the funniest clips on the internet I've ever seen. The power of editing can do wonders if you've ever thought of re-releasing Stanley Kubrick's film "The Shining" and this time marketing it as the Feel Good Movie of the Year!! Enjoy:

Hangover Haven, Chapter 1

2007-09-25T10:12:00.000-05:00

"Oh, no more yanky my wanky...

the Donger need food!"

*********************************************

When it comes to having recurring segments on 'The Half-Life of Shoes', it only makes sense to examine the many stupid things that people say and do. Just like waking with a hangover after a torrid night of drinking and realizing the silly things you did the previous night, this is dedicated to all the moments of clarity that must (or hopefully) follow the insane things that people say or do in the heat of the moment.

"I SAID WHAT?"

Given that Mrs. Shoes and I are rapidly approaching our 1st wedding anniversary, is there any more romantic and appropriate place to begin other than in Germany, where politician Gabriele Pauli has an interesting idea on what that perfect gift for your spouse should be to celebrate the blessed 7-year wedding anniversary? Now, the traditional gift for 7 years is copper: so perhaps copper-engraved divorce papers?! Awhhhh, honey you shouldn't have.... Yep, she wants to campaign on the idea that marriages should expire after 7 years! Of course, after that time couples could then decide to extend the marriage if they really want to or just let it dissolve.

OK, so Pauli is 50 years old and has been divorced twice: she's speaking from experience here! And while some in the German parliament have compared her idea to "the dirt under your fingernails", I'm assuming that it's simply the dirt that builds up under your nails from excessively scratching that annoying 7-year itch. In fact, I'd love to see future engagement rings stamped like beef with "Best If Used By Sept. 25th, 2014."

Just think: the knowledge alone that an engagement ring is only good for a certain period of time might have helped out Luke Jacunski, as he proposed last Saturday to his girlfriend in Central Park in New York City... and then got mugged!! I'm not kidding - why would I make this up? He might have been able to say: "Take my watch and the cash, but this ring is useless - it's about to expire anyway!"

"I SAID WHAT?"

It certainly seems as if Gabriele Pauli is trying to initiate kooky legislation based upon her own personal issues, but she doesn't appear to be alone in suggesting such baseless ideas. Conservative radio talk show host Laura Ingraham is in the Alberto Gonzales camp of torture-is-ok-as-long-as-it-isn't-MY-toenails, and while most people realize how horrible torturing someone is (not to mention the Geneva Conventions), Ms. Ingraham thinks she has finally found a mandate for her beliefs:

Ahhhh, the logic of the fact-based reality show "24". Wait, "24" is a fictional show?!? Quick! Someone had better warn Laura Ingraham against taking that detour into a darkly painetd half-oval on the side of a mountain then: It's NOT really a tunnel! It's TV!

Not to pick on Ingraham completely, but this is the same person who - as illustrated above - can only make sound judgments on issues if affected by them personally. Putting herself in someone else's Shoes (so to speak) is not really her forte. From a Wikipedia excerpt:

According to David Brock, in his 2002 book Blinded by the Right, Ingraham, while writing for The Dartmouth Review in the mid-1980s, once attended meetings of a gay student organization for the purpose of publicly outing them in the newspaper. Ingraham secretly taped a meeting of the Gay Students Association, then published the transcript, identifying students by name and calling them "sodomites".

A decade later, on February 23, 1997, however, Ingraham wrote an essay in the Washington Post in which she announced significant changes in how she views gays and lesbians. This was motivated primarily by her experience with one of her brothers rumored to have been estranged from her for a time after the gay student group controversy, as he cared for his ailing partner:

"In the ten years since I learned one of my brothers was gay, my views and rhetoric about homosexuals have been tempered... because I have seen him and his partner of 14 years, lead their lives with dignity, fidelity and courage."

Wow! How big of her to temper her views and rhetoric about homosexuals, only after seeing her brother act like a human being. I mean, who would have guessed that a gay person can not only act like a human being but in fact is a human being. I guess that Laura's epiphany almost makes up for her earlier public outings of students. Can you feel the hate? Er, I mean love. There's nothing like basing your entire social belief system on a tv show and a personal relationship with a single gay person. Ah, the broader view of things as always.

"I SAID WHAT?"

Which reminds me of the infinite "wisdom" of Pat Robertson. There's nothing like denying Global Warming exists until it actually affects you personally. You know, in such craaaaaaazy, wacky ways as summer months being warmer than winter months:

I love the continual denial of all the scientific research done on the subject.... only to finally embrace it when your creamsicle melts on the sidewalk in July. Apparently Global Warming = "Damn, it's hot today!"

"I DID WHAT?"

And speaking of hot days, the summer is a-coming to a close. We've been in the 90s for about a week but autumn draws near and the temps will begin to fall. So as the baseball playoffs are shaping up and the Cubs may even have a spot in the postseason, I'll end this Hangover Haven with a note on how to prevent your child from getting the crap beat out of them as they grow up and attend school: Don't give them funny names! Example: If your last name is Freely, don't name your kid with the initials I.P. And for God's sake if your last name is Hunt, then no matter how hysterical you think it is, naming them Mike is not a smart choice.

But how do you condemn a couple of Chicago Cubs fans, who happen to have the last name Fields? They're gearing up for the playoffs and the wife gives birth to a healthy baby boy. And then they name their newborn son... you guessed it: Wrigley. They named the boy Wrigley Fields. Nothing like naming your child after the ballpark that is home to one of the losingest franchises in sports history. In fact, it gives me a great idea for a baby's name should Mr. & Mrs. Shoes ever need to pick one: Titanic.

God in the News, Chapter 1

2007-09-18T09:41:00.000-05:00

You know, sometimes I get tired of all the controversial topics in today's world. So I admit I was pretty relieved when I finally stumbled across some news articles regarding a much lighter subject matter that at least everyone is comfortable talking about: Religion!

In the city of Lincoln, NE one would expect nothing less than good, hard rational thinking especially from its state government. So it should come as little surprise when last July during a sexual assault trial in Lancaster County, NE, Judge Jeffre Cheuvront barred the rape victim from using such words as "rape" and "victim". Apparently the word "guilty" also seemed to be barred though, but thankfully "mistrial" was very much available as the accused was set free because Cheuvront decided that it was impossible to find an impartial jury due to a large amount of pretrial publicity. Ahhhhh, justice is served!!

But for some reason Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers was upset by that ruling. So in response he filed a new lawsuit of his own....Against God. Seriously. Can I get a Halleluiah!? Yeah, finally we can get some retribution from the Almighty. According to the MSNBC article "Nebraska state senator sues God" Chambers' lawsuit accuses God of "causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still."

Chambers says in his lawsuit that God has made terrorist threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants." [He also says God has caused] "fearsome floods...horrendous hurricanes [and] terrifying tornadoes.”

Note: I find it strange that Chambers didn't also mention that God caused all my gambling losses in Las Vegas - not to mention the untold number of Grammy nominees He caused to lose, seeing that the winners always seem to thank Him. Those issues aside, the best part about the whole lawsuit is the State Senator's pure rationale about being able to sue God in Douglas County, NE. The reason: "because He's everywhere!"

Surprisingly, I do foresee a few minor problems with this lawsuit though:

A) I suppose the hardest part is going to be serving God with the papers. In order to serve God (so to speak) I'm assuming that the documents can either be placed in the church collection basket on Sunday (along with $5) or else shipped via UPS, simply addressed to "The Almighty - 1 North Pearly Gates - Heaven." Ahhh, UPS doesn't deliver packages to addresses not located on Earth, you say? You could always try addressing the papers to "Burning Bush - Mt. Sinai" and hope that God left a forwarding address after having briefly resided there with roommate Moses. All I know is that if Santa Claus can receive letters addressed to "The North Pole" then I certainly have faith in our overnight small package companies to safely deliver court papers to God.

B) Speaking of serving God with papers, another toughie might be figuring out exactly which God Chambers is suing. Is it the Jewish God? Or the Christian's God? Or is it Islam's God of Abraham? Or even... I'm sorry, what? Those are all the same God? How confusing is that?! If they're all the same God, then why do we have so many problems in the world? I swear, the Holy Spirit must have the toughest job ever being secretary for those 3... or 1... whatever. I mean, isn't there a way to tell which God is the real one? I was worried about this until I luckily found an article on the website CatholicNews.com titled “Vatican Congregation Reaffirms Truth, Oneness of Catholic Church.” Here is a small excerpt:

In a brief document, the Vatican's doctrinal congregation reaffirmed that the Catholic Church is the one, true church, even if elements of truth can be found in separated churches and communities.

Touching an ecumenical sore point, the document said some of the separated Christian communities, such as Protestant communities, should not properly be called "churches" according to Catholic doctrine because of major differences over the ordained priesthood and the Eucharist.

The Vatican released the text July 10 [2007]. Titled "Responses to Some Questions Regarding Certain Aspects of the Doctrine on the Church," it was signed by U.S. Cardinal William J. Levada, prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, and approved by Pope Benedict XVI before publication.

In a cover letter, Cardinal Levada asked the world's bishops to do all they can to promote and present the document to the wider public.

Whew! I'm glad that once and for all we got that cleared up. Simply put, all of the world's religions that aren't Roman Catholic obviously disagree with what the Pope believes - whether in part or in whole - so naturally they are all wrong and not true churches. And this comes from a very credible and unbiased source - the Pope - so we know it's true. Maybe we can send those Nebraska court papers directly to the Vatican and let the Pope just pass them on to God? It might be quicker than using the U.S. Post Office or UPS Ground.

C) Let's skip ahead to after God gets served the papers. Now we have to find twelve people to sit as a jury of His peers. I'm not positive that we can limit ourselves to Douglas County, NE for this part, and that's not a knock. Or maybe it is. Either way, since God isn't overtly letting us know who His peers are we can only make educated guesses.

Right off the bat one can assume that the Pope (1) would serve as lead juror. And of course George W. Bush (2) would be there. Jerry Falwell would have been perfect but he's already (and undoubtedly) in Heaven. But surely Pat Robertson (3) of The 700 Club could represent instead. And if speaking loudly on tv and/or radio proclaiming to always be right and on the side of God, then certainly we can't leave off the likes of Lou Dobbs, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Michael Savage, Rush Limbaugh and Pat Buchanan (4-9).

Now, I would love to suggest Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin and Laura Ingraham as possible jurors, but since they're women and therefore not even allowed to become priests in the Catholic church, I highly doubt that they can be perceived as God's peers, am I right? But maybe we can have all 3 of them serve, counting each of their opinions as 1/3? It's not as if the USA doesn't have a history of considering certain people as being less than a whole person so it's not unprecedented. Ok, cool. Coulter, Malkin & Ingraham comprise a single juror (10).

And we can't leave off Ted Haggard can we? Former pastor and leader of the National Association of Evangelicals. I mean, he was probably framed and innocent when accused of repeatedly having sex with a male prostitute and buying crystal meth. ...Wait, he confessed to buying the crystal meth? Oh. Wellllll, he said that he bought it for himself but never used it, right? Phew! That was close. For a second there I thought he might have used it. But he was merely tempted. Good, because that's not a crime. Don't forget Jesus was tempted, too. I'm glad Haggard at least cleared all doubts when denying to ever having met the male prostitute who accused him of all of this.... Ok, yes, he later admitted to not only having met the prostitute, but actually knowing him personally and also buying the meth from him. But at least he didn't deny knowing him 3 times like Peter did Jesus.... And Peter now holds the keychain to Heaven and its mailbox - literally!! (Who do you think is signing for God's court papers?) As for the sex with a male prostitute thing? Naaaaah. I don't buy it. Now granted, after denying it, Haggard later said, "The fact is I am guilty of sexual immorality," but at least he followed that up by doing the right thing:

After the scandal was publicized, Haggard entered three weeks of intensive counseling, overseen by four ministers. On February 6th, 2007 one of those ministers, Tim Ralph, stated that Haggard "is completely heterosexual."
Ralph later said he meant to say that therapy "gave Ted the tools to help to embrace his heterosexual side."

So, he's got the tools. Simple enough. Ted Haggard (11) is a juror. And if simply denying that you're gay is a positive thing, then obviously Idaho Senator Larry Craig (see a few articles below in this blog) should be given consideration to serve on the jury of God's peers as well. After all, when deciding to resign from the U.S. Senate (even though he's now re-thinking that decision) he said, "I am not gay. I never have been gay." Thank you. That makes Larry Craig (12) a juror as well.

Wow, that wasn't as tough as I thought it would be. In fact it seems God's peers are nearly everywhere.

D) But just because you have the courtroom setup and ready for trial with a 12-person jury of God's peers, doesn't mean there isn't another hurdle to overcome in this trial: God has to show up!! Yeah, the Creator got served. But if President Bush can invoke executive privilege (thereby preventing White House aides Harriet Miers and Sara Taylor from testifying before Congress into their roles of the possible unethical and illegal firings of U.S. attorneys for political purposes), then don't you think God would be able to claim some kind of Universal Almighty Privilege as well? And who is going to enforce the subpoena placed upon Him? Alberto Gonzales? Douuuuubtfulllllll.

Doesn't Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers realize that God is probably just going to ignore His court date? I mean, doesn't His Universal Almighty Privilege give God the right to arbitrarily "inspire fear and cause widespread death and destruction"? He's been doing it forever hasn't He? At least since the 10 plagues of Egypt were brought down upon the Egyptians in order to free the Moses (former roommate) led Hebrew slaves. And as for causing fearsome floods, horrendous hurricanes and terrifying tornadoes....alliteration aside these are nothing! Compared to the Angel of Death those pesky natural disasters seem more in line with sitting in a bowl of milk with the pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers and blue diamonds of Lucky Charms. Just ask the people of New Orleans after Hurricane Kattrina. I'm sure they'll agree that God has the right to do all of those things. Although, in retrospect, God probably should have reinforced those levees over the years, ya think?

So maybe God should be put on trial then, huh? It couldn't be worse than when George Burns did it in "Oh, God!"

Who Wants To Smell Old Shoes' Reviews?

2007-09-13T10:00:00.000-05:00

Scouring the internet for any incriminating evidence against me should I ever decide to run for public office - and yes, I'm quite sure it exists - I stumbled across some old movie reviews I used to write for MoeCain.com. (Sadly, the cartoonish figure on the home page Really Does look like Moe/Joe.) Maybe these old reviews are humorous, maybe they're worth reading, and maybe I didn't even see all of the films at the time I reviewed them. Does that really matter? I just figured there should definitely be a link to them in cyberspace. I mean where else would you find really sarcastic reviews of movies like "Signs", "Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone", "The Bourne Identity", "A Beautiful Mind" and others?

So, click on the link to enjoy the reviews at the Smelling Shoes page. Amazing that name never caught on, huh? But a big thanks to Moe for not updating his website in more than 2 years. It made it rather easy to find this link.

Fishing vs. Football: What's the Over/Under?

2007-09-11T14:50:00.000-05:00

In honor of the annual fishing trip that I went on this past weekend with my Dad and brother-in-law, I felt it was about time to jump into the sports scene....of sorts.

FISHING: A Sport?

Well, I still doubt very much that fishing can be considered a sport. In my opinion, if you cannot televise an event live then it isn't a sport. (And while I hardly consider NASCAR to be a sport either, I at least admit that I can't drive 180 miles per hour without crashing, dying and crapping my pants - not even remotely in that order.) But with fishing, let me give you a visual of our "sport": Imagine watching 3 grown men, each in their own rowboat on a small lake (Waubee Lake) in northern Wisconsin. Loud curses soar across the water as one of them gets stuck with a hook while trying to put a minnow on the line as bait. Explatives echo as the wind rips into us, tangling lines and carrying one of the boats to wash up on shore. At one point someone stands up and pees into the lake, actually holding a net at the same time just in case a fish swims up to investigate. Yeah, when ESPN starts broadcasting their live coverage of that, let me know and I'm in! But until then it's not a sport.

After all was said and done though, we caught our fair share of fish and let almost all of them go back into the lake. Butch (my brother-in-law) decided to keep a very nice 18-inch small mouth bass and take it to the taxidermist. However, I'm doubting that my suggestion that after mounting it on a plaque, he should also insert a music box so that it can sing "Lay Lady Lay" will be taken into consideration.

After a full day of fishing on Saturday we walked down to the Supper Club. Now, I have no idea what a Supper Club actually is, but I had a vague preconception that it meant restaurant and bar rather than just a mis-spelling of Super Club. However, this Supper Club had just lost their liquor license (which, I believe, is a felony in WI) so we were told to bring in our own alcohol disguised in other beverage holders: Beer in a Pepsi can, vodka with a mustache, etc. Without a liquor license business was slow on a Saturday night especially considering the University of Wisconsin football game was on, which brings me to...

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: Get a Grip!

I guess this is more of a jibe against some sports fans in general, but it seems fitting since I almost got my ass kicked at a Supper Club: some people take their sports teams wayyyyyy too seriously! I learned that you're not supposed to say anything derogatory against a team even if they're ranked #5 in the nation - as Wisconsin's football team was - and losing late in the 4th quarter to UNLV (not a good team). And when I mentioned that I went to Kansas that only imflamed matters.

Shoes: "Oh, I went to Kansas, so don't worry because our football team sucks every year."

Drunk WI fan: "Oh hey! Maybe we can turn on the Kansas game right now! Where's the Kansas game?! Oh, that's right: they're not on!!"

Shoes: "Well, Kansas actually played earlier this afternoon and won. But if you heard me, I just got done saying that our football team sucks and is never very good."

DWI F: "That's right!"

Shoes: "Ummm right."

DWI F: "Yeah see! You still just hang your hat on 1988 when they won their basketball championship, right? You loser! Kansas sucks!"

Shoes: "I thought we were talking about football. But I'll take my four Final Four's since 1988 as a success too. Our basketball team is good every year. But it's late in the 4th quarter and your #5 Wisconsin team is losing to a sh*tty UNLV team, that's all I'm saying."

DWI F: "Yeah see! We're #5 and where is Kansas?! They suck! See?!"

Shoes: "Ummm, no I don't."

Apparently I should have though. Dealing with drunk fans who cannot hold lucid conversations should be a clear sign to not push things. So when Wisconsin finally scored late in the game to take the lead over UNLV, I probably shouldn't have started to chant the Rock Chalk Jayhawk....but alas, I did. When Drunk WI Fan turned to me and pointed a finger saying, "That's - not - funny!" I shouldn't have said "It's a liiiitle funny."

Somehow I walked out of the Supper Club unscathed and un-thrown-in-the-lake. Unfortunately, some fans haven't been as lucky as me in the past. Like a 32-year old fan who was nearly castrated in a fight for wearing a Texas t-shirt into an Oklahoma fan-based bar.

According to police, 32-year-old Texas fan Brian Christopher Thomas walked into Henry Hudson's Pub on June 17 wearing a Longhorns T-shirt and quickly became the focus of football "trash talk" from another regular, 53-year-old Oklahoma fan Allen Michael Beckett.
Thomas told police that when he decided to leave and went to the bar to pay his tab, Beckett grabbed him in the crotch, pulled him to the ground and wouldn't let go, even as bar patrons tried to break it up. When the two men were separated, Thomas looked down and realized the extent of his injuries.
"He could see both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body," said Thomas' attorney, Carl Hughes. "He was wearing a pair of white shorts, which made it that much worse."

Whoa!! Hey now!! It's just a game fellars! Normally I'd tell them to get a grip, but now even that isn't a safe thing to say. It just goes to show that until you've built up a fan base that will rip another man's balls off in team spirit then it's just not a real sport. So I'm sorry fishing: not quite yet. (By these standards however, soccer qualifies with ease.)

From Rosie to Whoopi: We're in Good Hands

2007-09-05T09:49:00.000-05:00

I love when television producers are full of integrity. Take for example the tv show 'The View' on ABC which is in it's 11th season. It first began as basically a gossip-related show hosted by four women during a time-slot that no normal working person was even able to see anyways. Well, the time-slot may not have changed, but the opinions - you know, the Views - certainly have. Enter Rosie O'Donnell. Her stay lasted only a year and her exit was said to have been because of a contract dispute. It probably didn't have anything to do with the fact that her views on certain issues are so flippin' crazy that she gives the true liberals a horrible name. Naaaaahhhh, couldn't have been that!

In fact, here is an excerpt from the Popular Mechanics article regarding Rosie's views of the events of 9/11: "While saying she didn’t know what to believe about the U.S. government’s involvement in the attacks of Sept. 11, she said, 'I do believe that it’s the first time in history that fire has ever melted steel. I do believe that it defies physics that World Trade Center tower 7—building 7, which collapsed in on itself—it is impossible for a building to fall the way it fell without explosives being involved. World Trade Center 7. World Trade [Center] 1 and 2 got hit by planes—7, miraculously, the first time in history, steel was melted by fire. It is physically impossible.'
She continued: 'To say that we don’t know that it imploded, that it was an implosion and a demolition, is beyond ignorant. Look at the films, get a physics expert here [on the show] from Yale, from Harvard, pick the school—[the collapse] defies reason.'"

By Rosie saying that she's not sure what to believe about the U.S. governemnt's involvement on September 11th, 2001 IS IN FACT SAYING that she knows exactly what she believes. I have as much disdain and disgust at the extraordinarily horrible policies enacted by the Bush administration as anyone else; but, for Rosie to make these types of claims only hurts the good cause against the actual failed and harmful policies. Her claims are paranoid delusions that are fed to her from a plate of ignorance and she is either too lazy or too naive to stop herself from blindly ingesting anything and everything from that plate. She might as well have grabbed something off the sampler tray such as Richard Nixon told Jackie Gleason that UFOs were real. In fact, I'd actually find it easier to digest that "Ralph Cramden" (or Sheriff Buford T. Justice if you prefer) was given permission from Tricky Dick to view a downed UFO and dead aliens from the Roswell crash! I know that I'd suffer less heartburn swallowing that, than I would from Rosie's conspiracy theories. The events of 9/11 played out according to simple physics, Rosie. Maybe try grabbing an appetizer from the plate of reality and you might like the taste. After all, reality is life's Pepto-Bismol.

In the end 'The View' and Rosie O'Donnell severed ties and went on their separate ways. But ABC realized that having such a polarizing figure on their show was good for ratings. True, it's harmful to common sense, but it's nothing that a few extra bucks in ad revenue can't remedy. So ABC decided to hire someone to replace Rosie O'Donnell. Enter Whoopi Goldberg. She'd at least probably ease herself into the comfort of the show without making an ass of herself the very first day, right? Ummm... well, ya see..... (Insert me hanging my head in shame and sighing deeply)

From the MSNBC article "Whoopi starts quick on 'View,' defends Vick:

"Whoopi Goldberg used her first day on the daytime chat show Tuesday to defend football star Michael Vick in his dogfighting case. Goldberg said that 'from where he comes from' in the South, dogfighting isn’t that unusual. 'It’s like cockfighting in Puerto Rico,' she said. 'There are certain things that are indicative to certain parts of the country.'"

Oh, Whoopi! I guess you're right. I mean, in areas of the South where Vick is from it's also said that inbreeding is popular...at least there are lots of jokes that say so. And because that's just part of the 'culture of the South' it shouldn't be frowned upon. Those people in the South just don't know that it's wrong. It's not their fault. According to other arguments defending Vick, dogfighting isn't wrong when we have people who hunt. And how can we all be so blind as to not see that rationale? In the South, dogs are probably overpopulated anyway. We should just have open season on them. Come to think of it, I also think that people aren't cruel enough in their hunting of deer. Why are we not hanging the deer with a noose? or drowning them? Come on hunters! Get on that!

When asked about dog-turture and dog-murdering, Whoopi used her own massive intellect to respond. "For many people, dogs are sport, Goldberg replied, and it appeared it took a while for Vick to realize that he was up against serious charges. 'I just thought it was interesting,' [she said] 'because it seemed like a light went off in his head when he realized this was something that the entire country didn’t appreciate.'”

Now I get it. It was just a shock to Michael Vick to learn that all of the underground activities that he was trying to keep so secret were actually against the law and frowned upon by society. How embarassing! Had he only known that people "didn't appreciate" that type of behavior he could have saved himself all of this tedious business.

Thanks for clearing up this whole confusing mess Whoopi. I can see that 'The View' is in good hands with it's new co-host. Ratings are sure to stay high at least. And maybe, just maybe, we can get Whoopi to try opining that Jackie Gleason saw the crashed debris and aliens from the UFO that crashed in Roswell, NM in 1947. Really, all we'd have to do is serve the suggestion up to her on Rosie's dinner tray - there is no way she'd be able to stop herself from digging in. And what a relief that is to know...for ABC. Because I know that I'm watching the UFO episode clips on YouTube, that's for sure!!

The Simple, Easy, It's All Coincidence, No-Duh Defense of Senator Larry Craig

2007-08-31T12:35:00.000-05:00

I have to say that I just don't understand what all the curfuffle is about regarding Seantor Larry Craig (R-Idaho, shown above looking like James Cromwell). He's an upstanding Senator that promotes family values every time he's up for re-election, and that needs to be commended. I mean, just look at how happy his wife looks standing next to him at this news conference (see above picture). If that's not a well-balanced supportive smile on her face then I guess I just haven't ever seen one.

In case this story is all new to you, here's the short version of it. Senator Craig travels to Minneapolis quite often for work. While at the airport he had to use the bathroom. He sat down and his foot rubbed up against the foot of the guy in the stall next to him. Next thing you know, he's getting arrested for trying to elicit sex in a public bathroom because the guy's foot he rubbed against was an undercover police officer.

I don't know about you, but it all seems pretty innocent to me! In fact, Senator Craig made his case quite clear during the recorded interview at the police station. The full transcript is online, but here are some snippets from it:

Senator Larry Craig (LC): "...Your foot came toward mine, mine came towards yours, was that natural? I don't know. Did we bump? Yes. I think we did. You said so. I don't disagree with that."
Seargent Dave Karsinia (DK): "Okay. I don't want to get into a pissing match here."
LC: "We're not going to."
DK: "Good. Um."
LC: "I don't, ah, I am not gay. I don't do these kinds of things, and..."
DK: "It doesn't matter. I don't care about your sexual preference or anything like that....Um, I don't care about your sexual preference."
LC: "I know you don't. You're out to enforce the law."
DK: "Right."
LC: "But you shouldn't be out to entrap people either."

You see! Sen. Craig says so right in the interview that he's not gay. This is just a misunderstanding. And I can completely understand him, too. See, I'm also a big foot-tapper while going to the bathroom. Usually I'll have on my iPod so that I don't get bored and when I hear 'The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You' by Gloria Estefan start playing in my random list, there's no way to stop my toes from a-tappin'. And yeah, every once in awhile my feet might bump up agaisnt the guy sitting in the stall next to me. But that's not unusual. It's not like there's a lot of room in those stalls. Not to mention that Seantor Craig seems to have the same sort of wide-stance issue that I have. In fact, he explained it better than I can:

DK: "Okay. And when you went in the stalls, then what?"
LC: "Sat down."
DK: "Okay. Did you do anything with your feet?"
LC: "Positioned them, I don't know. I don't know at the time. I'm a fairly wide guy."
DK: "I understand."
LC: "I had to spread my legs."
DK: "Okay."
LC: "When I lower my pants so they won't slide."
DK: "Okay."
LC: "Did I slide them too close to yours? Did I, I looked down once, your foot was close to mine."
DK: "Yes."
LC: "Did we bump? Ah, you said so, I don't recall that, but apparently we were close."
DK: "Yeah, well your foot did touch mine, on my side of the stall."
LC: "All right."

Wow. Score one for Senator Craig, am I right? I know all about being the victim of a wide stance. Those stalls in public bathrooms can barely contain me sometimes. If my feet bump against someone else's in the stall next to me, on their side of the divider, it's just natural because I, too, hate when my pants slide. I need them pulled taut so I have to spread my legs wide. I know he and I aren't alone in this.

So, is that all they have on the good Senator? An oopsie on foot-bumping in the stalls of a public bathroom? An area that just happens to be so overridden with people soliciting sex in just such a manner that the police actually send undercover agents into the airport bathrooms? Just because every other person trying to solicit sex in a bathroom does so in the exact same manner that Senator Craig was accidently doing naturally because he's a "wide guy" doesn't constitute probable cause, I wouldn't think.

Ok, let me just say that yes, Senator Craig dropped some toilet paper onto the floor and picked it up. How, I ask you, is that a big deal? First of all, I'm a butterfingers type of guy and I drop toilet paper all the time. And being the obsessive-compulsive that I am I feel the need to pick it up even (and especially) off of the floor of a public airport bathroom. It's not like the floor's dirty or anything. Come on, what are we talking about here?! It's just the immediate area of the floor located around the base of a public toilet!! Certainly nothing disgusting about that. And it's not like he was grabbing on to the bottom of the stall between the two men was it? No! Just listen:

DK: "Okay, and then with the hand. Um, how many times did you put your hand under the stall?"
LC: "I don't recall. I remember reaching down once. There was a piece of toilet paper back behind me and picking it up."
DK: "Okay. Was your...was your palm down or up when you were doing that?"
LC: "I don't recall."
DK: "Okay. I recall your palm being up. Okay."
LC: "All right."

(Just a little side-note here: Ummm, what's the difference? Some people reach down to grab things off of the floor with their palms down, intending to grasp the item and pull it towards them. That doesn't mean everyone has to do it that way, does it? Me, I actually lick the back of my hand, turn the palm up and place the wetted end against the paper on the floor. It's just simpler...palm-up doesn't mean that you're looking for something to be placed in it or to give off a signal or anything. And hey, let's not forget that he's being very enviro-friendly at the moment. I mean the EASY and wasteful thing for him to do would have been to just pull off new toilet paper from the roll. But not this guy. He gets it. He cares. Ok, moving on....)

DK: "And I know it's hard to describe here on tape but actually what I saw was your fingers come underneath the stalls, you're actually ta touching the bottom of the stall divider."
LC: "I don't recall that."
DK: "You don't recall."
LC: "I don't believe I did that. I don't."
DK: "I saw. I saw."
LC: "I don't do those things."

Ummmm. Did I say something about him not grabbing onto the bottom of the stall? Ok, never...never mind about that part. It's not even important. Regardless, a lot of times I actually tend to lose my balance (especially when reaching palm-up to grab a piece of toilet paper off of the floor behind me). I certainly don't want to fall off the toilet, I mean how embarassing is that? Not to mention that it's the floor of a public bathroom! *cringe* So grabbing onto the bottom of the stall is no cause for alarm, that's for sure.

So where did we leave off in our defense of Seantor Larry Craig? I mean he just said that he doesn't "do those things." And by those things, he means grabbing onto the stalls next to him right? Ok good. So here we go:

DK: "I saw your left hand and I could see the gold wedding ring when it went across. I could see that. On your left hand, I could see that."
LC: "Wait a moment. My left hand was over here."
DK: "I saw there's a..."
LC: "My right hand was next to you."
DK: "I could tell it with my ah, I could tell it was your left hand because your thumb was positioned in a faceward motion. Your thumb was on this side, not on this side."
LC: "Well, we can dispute that. I'm not going to fight you in court and I, I reached down with my right hand to pick up the paper."
DK: "But I'm telling you that I could see that, so I know that's your left hand. Also, I could see a gold ring on this finger, so that's obvious it was the left hand."
LC: "Yeah, okay. My left hand was in the direct opposite of the stall from you."

Again, does not everyone see what's going on here? I hate when I miss getting down to the gym, and it happens mostly when I'm travelling a lot. So here's Senator Craig in the Minneapolis airport and he drops a piece of toilet paper off of his right side between the stall next to the guy whose foot he's bumping up against. Check. And rather than reach down, palm-up, with his closer hand it's a much more effective workout to reach across your body with your left hand. It really works the abs and is very similar to doing crunches. I happen to do that all the time in bathrooms. Sit down. Reach across my body to the floor of the stall opposite. Pick up toilet paper. Repeat. It's a great little workout to keep in mind for those of you who are travelling a lot.

So, I ask again, what's the big curfuffle? I mean clearly this 62-year old Seantor from Idaho isn't gay. He doesn't do those things. He said so in the interview. Does it really matter that he plead guilty to the charge of disorderly conduct after the interview? Undoubtedly, no! It was simply bad judgment to plead guilty. It could have happened to any innocent person after sitting down thru a calm, low-pressure interview like that. And when you know that you're innocent and that there's just been an obvious misunderstanding, of course you're going to accidently plead guilty. There's a big Oops! I mean, who hasn't this happened to? It was only a matter of time before it happened to a man who prides his campaigns on pure family values, right?

All I know is that Senator Larry Craig still has my support, and more importantly my vote! (pending that I ever insanely pick up and move to Idaho)

The Bartending Diaries, Chapter 1

2007-08-30T16:00:00.000-05:00

Awhile back I realized something. I have no skills. Not even in the 'Napoleon Dynamite' wishes of numchuck skills or computer-hacking skills. It hit me that if something ever happened to the freight industry that I'd be pretty much screwed because I've become unskilled labor. So, trying to think of what I might be good at I sat down with a glass of wine to ponder on this. The irony was too thick to ignore: I'm good at drinking! And while this may be considered to be more of an addiction than it is a skill, there is certainly one easy way to capitalize on this: Bartending!!

I went thru a 2-week training program at ABC Bartending School in Mt. Prospect, learning how to make all sorts of drinks. It's a great school with a full bar to work with. At first sight I was taken aback, but quickly realized that these bottles were filled with colored water to look like the representing booze. Otherwise I may have stayed late to do some extra credit work. My favorite you've-got-to-be-kidding-me aspect of the class has nothing to do with the teaching of it, but rather that it's located directly across the hall from nightly AA meetings. I sh*t you not!

So I graduated the class and wondered why I didn't have friends and family come out for the ceremony. (There wasn't a ceremony.) Regardless, it's time to find a job, but apparently no one in the Palatine area was hiring bartenders when I went around to different establishments. Probably should have thought of this beforehand eh? I mean, all I want is to get some experience playing Tom Cruise in 'Cocktail' and then I can decide whether or not I enjoy doing it...at which point I can decide whether or not to open a bar! Let's be honest, is there any more fitting profession for Shoes?

With a lack of tending jobs open I hook up with a lady who runs private parties for folks who want catering and bartenders. The main thing is that I'll be travelling around to different areas, including people's homes, to work for the night. And man oh man let me tell you the stories just fall out of the sky on me, and it's only been about a month of gigs.

Oakbrook, IL

I arrive at the home of....well, I actually could name names but I won't. When I arrive at the house I meet up with one of the servers for the evening. We walk up to the front door thru the drizzle of rain as it's been raining on and off all day with big storms predicted thru the evening. We ring the doorbell at 4:01pm (we were told to be there at 4:00pm) and it's answered by a woman in a bathrobe with her hair wrapped up in a towel. She opens the door and after we introduce ourselves she says, "You weren't supposed to be here until five o'clock." I explain to her that this is indeed the time we were requested to be here for setup since guests start to arrive at 5pm. I feel a little strange needing to explain this to her seeing that it's her party, but oh well. She tells us to walk around to the back of the house. Not thru the house, mind you, but around. There are no sidewalks. Just grass. Very wet grass.

In back of the house we see 3 tables arranged on the back stone patio. These people have a lot of money, no doubt. The backyard is 2.5 acres, and the living room has pillars in it - seriously. The tables setup, however, are getting wet as the rain continues. We begin to use paper towels to wipe down the plates, silverware, glasses, chairs, everything. I suggested that we might be better off moving the party inside by the indoor pool and she wanted none of that. Finally she went inside to get ready for the party and her husband came outside to suggest that, yes, we should move everything inside. So it's a pain in the ass offloading the tables and moving them inside to arrange around the pool but it's still the safe thing to do. In fact the husband has turned on the weather channel while we get ready and we can all see the storms coming our way.

Half-way finished with setting up inside around the pool the wife comes down and flips out. "WHAT are you doing? You can't bring this stuff inside! Who told you to bring this stuff inside?!" With her husband cowering I tell her that we all decided that it was the only way to keep everyone dry for the dinner party since it's obviously going to rain. "Oh NO!" she cries. "We're not doing this inside!! I spent a LOT of time setting this up outside!!" We're all taken back a bit by this and the husband certainly isn't saying anything to stop it, so I continue with "Yes, I can tell you did a lot of hard work, but Mother Nature just isn't cooperating. Plus, once we're setup it'll look really nice around the pool and no one will even have to know that you were even setup up outside. They'll just think that a pool party is a really great idea."

We continue setting up while she continues with her barrage of "I can't BELIEVE we're doing this inside!!" immediately followed by my favorite line of the night: "I MAKE A LOT OF MONEY!!! NOT AS MUCH AS YOU" (pointing at her husband) "BUT A LOT OF MONEY!!!" I'm not really sure if she started jumping up and down while yelling this, but in my head she certainly was because it just seems right. I sooo wanted to ask her if her salary would stop it from raining outside. Suddenly the whining woman has become the Spoiled B*tch in her 40s.

Her rantings continue with no word from hubby at first. It would be all quiet for a minute or so while we prepared and then she would burst out with comments like "It's not even RAINING outside!!" The Mr. finally would say something like "Honey, it's going to rain really hard. Just look at the tv." She wouldn't. But she'd simmer for another minute before yelling "I don't even WANT these people in my house!!!" He answered: "You mean your family?" (pause) "No, they're fine!" she said. "It's all of the others I don't want in the house!"

The insanity has just begun. Finally, we finish setting up the tables. They look great and the husband mentions to me that I could move the pre-arranged bar area that was setup outside to the actual indoor bar. As I'm carrying glasses inside to the bar I get stopped by Mrs. Psycho whose eyes bulge open at me in shock and then she cries out "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I tell her calmly that I'm moving the bar inside since it's raining, to which she starts shaking her head, closing her eyes and basically screaming "NO!!!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! YOU'RE NOT COMING INSIDE THIS HOUSE!!! I PAID $50,000 FOR THAT RUG AND YOU'RE NOT WALKING ON IT!!! YOU'RE NOT COMING IN HERE!!!" Struggling to not just tell it like it is to this person I mention that her husband and I had discussed it and it's the best option that we have because of the rain....and not to worry because I'll take off my shoes and in my most polite of all possible voices, leaving out all sarcasm, I say, "so you don't have to worry about your $50,000 rug." She looks at me and says, "They can all get their drinks outside if they want them! You can stand out there and serve them!" Needless to say, there's no chance I'm going to stand out in the rain serving drinks, so I somehow brush it off and explain to her that this is really the only option available. I'd sooner let my bladder explode on her flipping rug than do that for her.

Her meltdown continues as she looks at her husband, basically blaming him for all of this and screams "I didn't even want any of this!! And now these people are going to be in my house!! I HATE THIS!!!!" Her husband, completely cowed yet calm finally says the mildest of reproaches : "Honey, you need to start acting like a lady." She doesn't even look fazed when she replies "I AM acting like a lady! In fact I'm the only lady left in this world!!!"

Dictionary.com - lady: 1. a woman who is refined, polite, and well-spoken.

I never wanted a pocket dictionary more than at that moment just to show her the definition and ask her which part applied to her.

Finally the guests started to arrive and she didn't even ask them to remove their shoes as they walked all over her expensive rug, drinking wine. I would hear her make offhanded comments to her guests saying things like "Yeah, we were setup up outside but it looked like rain so we moved it in by the pool..." and "I didn't really want to move the party inside but finally I decided that it was probably the best idea and so I had us move it in..." I kinda wanted to offhandedly puke.

As the story comes to a close you can probably guess that anyone who brags about how much money they make will most assuredly be a horribly cheap tipper. And you'd be right. But if you're feeling sorry for the husband in this household I wouldn't start sending sympathy e-cards just yet. He lets this occur, and lets her act like the spoiled, immature brat that she is even around outside company.

The final kicker: I feel it's also worth mentioning that when setting up at the indoor bar he showed me the bar refrigerator. Inside was nearly 20 bottles of wine. Red wine. In a standard refrigerator running at 38 degrees. Stacked on their sides, bottle upon bottle because the fridge is packed full. He tells me that he likes his wine cold. As I watch the condensation forming and dripping off of all of his bottles I shake my head and tell him no problem. So I pour him a glass of Cabernet and thinking that the wine is already ruined from being stored that cold anyway I re-cork it and put it back into the fridge so that his next glass can be served cold as well. When he comes back for the second glass and I take out the bottle and begin to pour, he tells me "You know, you have to let red wine breathe after you uncork it."

So, after all is said and done, after the insane b*tchess of Oakbrook goes postal on us, and after I have to serve this crazy couple's guests in my socks, I end up getting wine-serving tips from a guy who stores his own red wine in the vegetable crisper.

Coming Soon: Chapter 2. More fun from crazy people.

Touche'

2007-08-30T11:43:00.000-05:00

So, how to begin the Half-Life of Shoes? What better way than to tell you how Mrs. Shoes took the news that I was starting a blog. I broke it to her in an email reply saying "p.s. I think I’m going to start a blog. I figure I need to because my wife never wants to hear my stories or rants so I should just put them out there for the general public." After a small back-and-forth about how it's not that she doesn't enjoy my stories and rants, she just prefers the condensed versions and not the 25-page dissertations (is how I believe she put it), I brought up the great line by Brad Pitt in 'Mr. & Mrs. Smith': "Don't get me wrong, I love my wife. But there are times...." (insert strangling gesture). Of course she can toss 'em right back at me and this is the reply I got from her (in italics below), mind you coming from someone who is apparently against longer stories.

Mrs. Shoes: "I think it’s mutual. . .let’s take for instance, the 15 minutes I spent looking for my tweezers this morning. Knew I put them in my make up case, turned the thing upside down and emptied it. . .twice. But I knew it was early and I was pre-coffee (aka incoherent and barely lucid) so I put everything back in the case to dump it out again (third time)–alas, nothing. Checked both of my drawers, the cupboard on my side, the floor, the vanity counter top, your drawers, and the medicine cabinet – all to no avail. But wait, my top drawer was open when I got home yesterday, and I distinctly remember actually sliding it closed before leaving for work yesterday. Hmm. .. either Abby [the cat] has decided to pluck her whiskers or hubby borrowed said missing tweezer, or I have finally lost my mind – all equally possible. Needless to say, the Metra does not care about my tweezer tragedy and maintains a tight schedule, therefore I must abandon my search. I miss the 6:28 (am walking down the street as it rolls in) but manage to support the local economy at Starbucks and get a steaming cup of joe (plus yummy orange flavor and whip) just as the 6:36 rolls in (thanks to a new and currently inept Starbucks employee who didn’t add the shot of espresso/coffee to my first mocha and therefore took 7 minutes to make a cup of coffee that should have taken only 2 minutes).

But I have left out one vitally important piece of the story. As I go to kiss my beloved husband before bolting for the train (and coffee), to what do my wondering eyes appear?? I’m glad you asked. .. . on his nightstand, sparkling in the light of his ipod clock/radio thing (sparkling as if to mock me). . . were the tweezers. . .

Can I get an AMEN!?! or more accurately a touche'? Now that's what story-telling is all about!! Two paragraphs to say "Honey, did you take my f'in tweezers?"and even a cup of joe thrown in for good measure. Ahhhhh, I love my wife. (But there are times....)

The Half-Life of Shoes

2007-08-30T10:40:00.000-05:00

Like everyone I'm worried about my rate of decay. Therefore, I needed to start a blog to determine my half-life. Why not my whole-life you ask? Well, for those of you who fell asleep in Physics class or were too occupied building bridges with popsicle sticks here's a refresher course from Dictionary.com:

half-life:

1. Physics. the time required for one half the atoms of a given amount of a radioactive substance to disintegrate.
2. Pharmacology. the time required for the activity of a substance taken into the body to lose one half its initial effectiveness.
3. Informal. a brief period during which something flourishes before dying out.

Basically, am I a radioactive substance? And if so how much of me can people actually handle before I lose my effectiveness and die out? Not to mention disintigrating. Keeping that in mind I hereby promise to do my best to keep you entertained if not informed, adding in a dash of humor, a pinch of wit and a sprinkle of cynacism along the way. With this recipe we'll see how long the half-life of Shoes really is.