New York, New York: A City So Nice They Named It Twice

(this photo has nothing to do with our trip to NY...I just thought I'd post a sunset pic from our honeymoon in Maui...)
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Mrs. Shoes and I celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary last Sunday, October 7th. Figuring that we only had 6 years left in our marriage (if the proposed legislation in Germany ever catches on here that would make all marriages only last for 7 years, as highlighted in an earlier post of the Hangover Haven, chapter 1) we decided to take a 3-day weekend and head off to New York City. Since the traditional 1st anniversary gift is paper, I decided that plane tickets would be more practical than divorce papers. "Happy anniversary honey! These will save us so much time 6 years from now!" Oh, the romance. Yeah, plane tickets was a better decision.

On Friday, we boarded our flight to La Guardia airport, and not until we were seated were we informed that there would be about a 50-minute delay in taking off. Now, I've never understood why airlines decide to board planes anyway when they know these kinds of things. Can't they just board a little later, giving us time to finish another plate of chicken fingers from T.G.I. Friday's? (Speaking of which, we need better food in our airports - especially O'Hare.) Nevertheless, we arrived in New York and decided to play the first night by ear. Our hotel was on the east side of Midtown at the Sofitel on 44th. The concierge made reservations for us across the street at a little Italian restaurant and it was pretty good. I ordered veal scallopine because....well, come on, it's pretty fun to say "I'll have-a the veal scallopine."

From there we walked a while thru the city until we found a bar to sit down in for a drink. Then we moved on and found another, more lounge-ish place to have another cocktail. We stayed for awhile but then left around midnight as the shades were drawn closed and the lounge started to transform into a hip-hop nightclub. It seemed like fun, but my dancing skillz ain't what they used to be....well, let me re-phrase: in fact, they're exactly what they used to be. Which is the problem.

We woke up on Saturday knowing that the whole day was pretty much open to us. We wanted to grab some breakfast, see a museum, etc. So we headed up north towards Central Park and meandered up the east side of the Park only to realize that apparently people who live on the Upper East Side must never eat breakfast because there were absolutely zero places that opened before 11:00am ... Not even a Starbuck's. It took forever but we finally found a little diner, and honestly just the act of sitting down was as enjoyable as the pancakes and coffee. Then we made our way back to the Park and continued north up to the the Guggenheim Museum. The museum's unique concept takes a central theme and spreads out the art over 5-6 floors of the museum as visitors walk up a continuous wide spiral to reach the top, viewing the art along the way. Right now they are featuring the works of Richard Prince: an interesting guy, very modern, yet seems to love crappy old jokes. (He even incorporated the Abraham Lincoln one that I referenced in the Hangover Haven, Chapter 2.)

We walked back to the Park and made our way south. There really isn't anything else like Central Park and just walking in it is relaxing and fun. Not to mention it's a people-watching feast, and an 85-degree Saturday in October brings everyone outside! Finally we decided to try finding a little place in the Village called Pasti's. Mrs. Shoes had seen it featured in her Sex and the City shows so she was dying to try it out for a mid-afternoon lunch. A subway ride south, a walk west to 9th Ave and 12th and we finally found it. Luckily, it lived up to the hype: yeah, a couple of french martinis usually does the trick, not to mention fresh oysters and good food.

On our way back to the hotel we wandered past the HBO Store, and found a few items of interest: keeping with the Pasti's theme, a little Sex and the City shirt for Mrs. Shoes that says "I'll find my inner goddess if it kills me"; and a pint glass for Shoes from Curb Your Enthusiasm that explains Larry David perfectly - there's a blue line around the middle of the glass and it says "Half Empty" both above and below the line. Better yet, an employee of the store recommended a little sushi place to us for dinner that was within walking distance, Sushi Osaka on 8th Ave and 37th. The sushi was great and without any of the fanfare of crowded New York restaurants... in fact, for awhile we were the only two people sitting down. Usually, an empty restaurant is not a good sign, but for a place the locals enjoy, it was perfect.

Sunday, we woke up on our anniversary with an actual agenda for the day. To start, we were meeting Mrs. Shoes' friends Kevin and Frank back down in the Village for brunch. We ate at a little place called FoodBar on 8th Ave and 18th, and the breakfast was phenom. Again, maybe it was the really vodka'd-up bloody marys and the mimosas that helped but the food was Yum-Delish, too. Good food, good company, good times. Afterward, we jumped in a cab in order to make a 2pm matinee of the long-running musical Rent. It was good. I'm not sure it's as great as it's made out to be, but it's still very good - the 2nd Act is better than the 1st.

Afterwards, we fought the throngs of tourists in Times Square because Mrs. Shoes wanted to find a popcorn store that she was hoping was still there. Sure enough it was, up on 48th. Now, I do think that Times Square is certainly an interesting urban jungle, but it's become Disneyland. The crowds are killer and after you've seen it once, there's really no need at all to return. But alas, I was wrong again. Apparently, there is a need: chocolate-chunk popcorn.

Which brings us to dinner. We had made reservations at a steakhouse called Ben Benson's, up on 52nd. A little online research showed that it appeared to be a pretty nice place to eat. However, we walked into the restaurant at 6:45pm and right away something didn't seem quite right in Dodge. First of all, not that it effects the quality of food in the least, but steakhouses are usually dimly lit for atmosphere. This place was as bright as the Christmas Tree in Rockefeller Center. Strike One. We were taken to our table, which wasn't hard to get to since there were only 6 other people in the entire restaurant. Unlike the local sushi place, steakhouses are supposed to be busy and full of life...and patrons. Ben Benson's was just dead. Strike Two. We were given menus and noticed that not all of the items that appeared on the online menu really matched up with what was actually served: no lobster bisque, a fav of Mr. and Mrs. Shoes...and not even a ribeye steak. Two and a haaaaaaaalllllllllf. The waiter returned to ask if we wanted a glass of wine, and pretty much threw the wine menu at us. Since the menu was all by-the-bottle and we were just wanting a pre-dinner cocktail at that point, we asked if there was a menu for wine by-the-glass. The waiter basically said, "Yes, it's up on the wall....behind you....and behind that tall plant that you cannot see thru....or around....so you'll have to get up to see it." Strike Three. Yeah, we got up, told the waiter that we had changed our minds and left. Happy Anniversary!

Needing a new dinner plan, we walked south and found Del Frisco's, another steakhouse. I had eaten at the one in Las Vegas and it was muchos goodos. We looked at the menu, and it didn't strike us as overly impressive though. Plus there was a long wait, and we were getting hungry. So we left. Happy Anniversary!

You, uhhh, kinda get where this is going, right? So we called information to get the phone number for Spark's, a steakhouse that we ate at 2 years ago and loved. Once connected, there was a short conversation:

Spark's Employee: "Sparks Steakhouse."

Shoes: (thinking that this guy is very difficult to understand) "Hi. Where are you located?"

Spark's: (it's tough to decipher, but I can just make out him saying) "...On 46th, between 2nd and 3rd..."

Shoes: "Great. And do you have an opening for two people this evening if we walk in?"

Spark's: "Wfghr hyu#f0gfb yes fg povmrtqwe."

Shoes: "Ummmm..."

Mrs. Shoes: (off to the side) "What did he say?"

Shoes: "I don't exactly know, but I heard a 'yes' in there."

Sparks: "Huh?"

Shoes: "No, not you. Ok, thanks, we'll see you in a few minutes."

Sparks: "grjre *h6m^ls"

Well, it's kind of a hike from where we were, but the food is definitely worth the walk. "Should we cab it?" I ask. Naaaaah. So, we make our way over east and finally walk into the restaurant. Something seems amiss, as all of the chairs are propped up on top of the tables. Playing the role of Captain Obvious I ask someone, "Are you closed?" I mean, what kind of answer was I expecting? Yeah, apparently the hard-to-understand part of the phone conversation was actually the important part about them not being open on Sundays. Happy Anniversary!

At this point, it's just after eight o'clock and we both just want food. So we walk back west on 46th and pass a little Italian joint called Via Italiana. We're told by an old man (and, as it turns out, employee) that this is the best Italian food in New York. "I have lived here 25 years and this is the very best you'll find," he says. Um. It wasn't. To be fair, it wasn't bad... It just wasn't what we were hoping for in our meal that evening. Happy Anniversary!

So now we just want to grab some drinks on our last night in New York and we take the advice of our neighbors, Nicole and Chris, to visit Stone Rose, a bar in the Time Warner Building in the Columbus Circle. We cab it up there and it's actually a very sheek/shique/Shiek (spelling?) sort of bar/lounge and there's a fantastic view of the fountain thru the large windows. The martinis and drinks are typically priced for New York, but hey, where else can you get a mangomint mojito?? Our waitress tells us that we're a day late for star-watching though, as the previous night had Tommy Lee Jones and Holly Hunter in there....oh, and George Clooney was also recently in with his girlfriend. However, the only VIPs we saw were a few older ladies who appeared to be members of the Red Hat Club. But, the drinks were great, the atmosphere and view were very cool, and it was a very nice way to end an evening. Happy Anniversary!!!
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(And since we really don't have any pics to share with you from our trip to the Big Apple, I just figured we'd go back a year to the honeymoon in Maui - where we were both able to act like complete fools at a luau. See, here's Mrs. Shoes hangin' loose....)

(...and here's Shoes hoarding all the drinks at our table.)

Hangover Haven, Chapter 2

"Oh, no more yanky my wanky...
the Donger need food!"
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And so Chapter II begins...

"I SAIDS WHATS?! "

There's a popular belief that Franklin D. Roosevelt may never have been elected as our 32nd President if there had been televised debates, because people would not have voted for a man in a wheelchair. The reverse of that claim surfaced when Nixon apparently lost his debates with John F. Kennedy because he looked like an awful sweating hog on television. If these theories hold any truth in them, then the question must be raised as to whether or not George W. Bush would ever have been elected President if not for televised debates. Just think of all the stumblings and bumblings that fall out of W's mouth... now imagine if the only medium to hear them in was radio! Would people ever have voted for a man with such a limited grasp on the spoken English word?

Yes, there are countless examples of these "Bushisms" as they're known. Such as this audio clip, or this one, or one of my personal favorites. Now, even though the human being and fish can coexist peacefully according to Bush, he still needs to learn that when speaking about literacy or the education of our children that he needs to exhibit at least a semblance of competent speaking himself. Which is what's so sad about his latest comment:

"Children's Do Learn." Yesums, me supposes they does.

Now as easily as these things are turned into "I Said What?!" hangover moments, it's not as simple to explain them all away. Like when Bush declared that Nelson Mandela was dead:

Even if he was trying to make an analogy, it was a horribly stupid one.

In fact, this ranks right up there with the completely innacurate reporting in 1991 on the death of legendary singer James Brown (see the clip below), when in fact James Brown was actually alive until earlier this year.


"I SAID WHAT?!"

A long time ago I remember hearing a pretty terrible joke:

"What did Abraham Lincoln say after he went on a 2-week drinking binge?" ..... "I freed who?!"

And while the concept of the Hangover Haven can be summed up in the "I Said What?!" style of that joke, it's the people who think that the joke holds any ring of truth to it that frighten me. Which brings me to the unbelievable article posted on the right-wing website Townhall.com written by former movie-critic Michael Medved titled "Six Inconvenient Truths About the U.S. and Slavery." This is truly shocking to read! It puts a whooole new spin on the phrase "When life hands you lemons, just make lemonade." No, I'm sorry Michael. Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that what you have in your hands are just that: lemons. They're sour and you can't squeeze a drinkable juice from them no matter how much sugar you add to it.

Here's one of the things that Medved wrote:

"...at least 97% of all African men, women and children who were kidnapped, sold, and taken from their homes, were sent somewhere other than the British colonies of North America. In this context there is no historical basis to claim that the United States bears primary, or even prominent guilt for the depredations of centuries of African slavery."

Ahhhhhh, the "but everyone was doing it" defense. I'm sure that kind of reasoning helped some of the Donner Party members sleep better at night, too. Of course, once they fell asleep they were then eaten.

Medved also wrote:

"SLAVERY EXISTED ONLY BRIEFLY, AND IN LIMITED LOCALES, IN THE HISTORY OF THE REPUBLIC – INVOLVING ONLY A TINY PERCENTAGE OF THE ANCESTORS OF TODAY’S AMERICANS."

First of all I'm not shouting at you - writing this in ALL CAPS was not an accident. This is actually how he wrote it in his article, as if making a very strong point. Worse than that, he followed up that "point" by writing:

"Even in the South, more than 80% of the white population never owned slaves. Given the fact that the majority of today’s non-black Americans descend from immigrants who arrived in this country after the War Between the States, only a tiny percentage of today’s white citizens – perhaps as few as 5% -- bear any authentic sort of generational guilt for the exploitation of slave labor."

I can't really fathom where Medved's going with this other than to suggest that all the people who owned slaves are dead....so we're square. Then it goes back to the ALL CAPS for Medved as he states the 3rd of his supposed "inconvenient truths":

"THOUGH BRUTAL, SLAVERY WASN’T GENOCIDAL: LIVE SLAVES WERE VALUABLE BUT DEAD CAPTIVES BROUGHT NO PROFIT."

Finally!!!! A defense that makes sense in terms of the conservative movement. Basically: ok, it was kind of brutal, I'll give you that one....but we tried not to KILL our slaves, because that would have dipped into our profits! So, it wasn't genocide. Hmmmm.... And it also wasn't mail fraud, so don't try pinning that on the slave owners, too!

Here is where I really wish that I could just move on and not have to post this last comment from Michael Medved, but it's one that just makes your jaw drop....obviously, it's posted in ALL CAPS as well:

"THERE IS NO REASON TO BELIEVE THAT TODAY’S AFRICAN-AMERICANS WOULD BE BETTER OFF IF THEIR ANCESTORS HAD REMAINED BEHIND IN AFRICA."

Ya See! Come on people, this is so clear! Fine, slavery was "bad". But if you're handed lemons, you just gotta make lemonade. We all know that to make lemonade you just need to add sugar to sweeten it. And I gotta be honest with you, the sugar needed to sweeten the lemons is a hell of a lot easier to produce if you've got slave labor harvesting the sugarcane. I'm just saying.

WOW! Apparently, this has to be the ultimate in ends-justifies-the-means arguments. (Of course the "means" in this case refers to kidnapping, human sales, the splintering of families, enslavement, beatings and more than 100 years of racial hatred and inequality, even after they were set "free".) But I do have a question about this: Isn't the ends-justifies-the-means argument usually only applied when the ends are a goal that you strive to achieve, no matter the means of how you reach that goal? Following this logic, is Michael really suggesting that slaves were brought here for labor, with the long-term goal of one day being set free so that their descendants could make a better life for themselves? Seriously?! It was all a big plan!!

So, in essence, slavery in the U.S. was actually just a For-the-Greater-Good kind of action? Mmmmmmm....who wants lemonade?!

"I SAID WHAT?!" (...or "SAY WHAT?!" )

Unfortunately, Medved isn't the only person who subscribes to a very warped and elitist view of the world. So, does it really come as a surprise when Bill O'Reilly gets caught making racist remarks? On his Sept. 19th radio broadcast he was talking about his recent dining experience with Al Sharpton at Sylvia's, a famous restaurant in Harlem. O'Reilly said that he:

“had a great time, and all the people up there are tremendously respectful,”

adding:

“I couldn’t get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia’s restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it’s run by blacks, primarily black patronship.”

Wow! Now how can that be taken as racist? In typical O'Reilly fashion he claims that his remarks were taken out of context. What a great Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card that is! Apparently, he feels that he can spout off any kind of remarks he wants to and then fall back on the time-proven: "When I said that, what I really meant was..."

And that makes sense, right? Shouldn't people always be given a chance to explain away their racist remarks, rather than face the consequences - and reality - of just being a racist? I mean, I'm sure O'Reilly has a perfectly good explanation for what he also said right after those remarks:

“There wasn’t one person in Sylvia’s who was screaming, ‘M-Fer, I want more iced tea.’ You know, I mean, everybody was — it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn’t any kind of craziness at all.”

Wow...What I think Bill O'Reilly MEANT to say was, "Who wants some M-Fing lemonade? It's sugary sweeeeeeeet."

Shoes' Funnies, Chapter 1: Ninjas, Desert and Kubrick

Bananas Foster: On Special at Denny's

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Contrary to popular belief, the world isn't really a strange place. It's the people living in the world that are strange. While I've never been one to believe that "normal" is the best way to go thru life, there always seems to be certain individuals who push the limits and just do some crazy sh*t that doesn't make sense....or maybe it does???

NINJAS!

If you're down on your luck, can't find a job and just need to pay the bills somehow, you might think of turning to crime. It's not pretty, recommended or even legal, but baby's gotta eat. So, you need to play to your skillz at this point. That's why two females in Kentucky robbed a gas station...dressed as ninjas!

If these girls are real ninjas then this might not even be the whole story. There were probably 10-20 other ninjas on the scene that weren't caught by the security camera, because we all know that ninjas are quick and stealthy. What we didn't know is that apparently ninjas also are chain-smokers and fans of Bingo, since what they stole were cigarettes and lottery tickets.

At first I didn't know how to feel about this whole story. So I decided to Ask a Ninja...and while this clip doesn't tell us anything about the gas station ninja-thieves, it does give us a glimpse into a ninja's relationship with physics (and is pretty damn funny for the first 1:35 of the clip):

"I need to hang up here longer than the 'theory of gravity' wants me to."

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I guess it just makes you wonder whether ninjas are more prevalent in the world than we believe. I mean, they could be killing people all over the place and we wouldn't ever suspect ninjas. Aren't they known for cutting off people's limbs with their swords? If so, then how can we be sure that the man who found a human leg in a smoker that he bought at an auction wasn't the work of ninjas? OK, I'm not even going to get into the question of who buys a smoker at an auction. ("Do-I-hear-twenty-twenty-twenty-dollars-it's-a-real-fine-smoker-I-got-twenty-dollars-do-I-hear-twenty-five-anyone-twenty-five-folks-we'll-even-throw-in-a-human-leg-for-free-ok-I-got-twenty-five-do-I-hear-thirty?") But you buy your smoker, bring it home, set it up in the backyard and prepare to have over a few friends... and then you open up the lid to find a human leg inside of it? "Ummm, honey, when I asked if you wanted a breast or a thigh, you could have just told me what you wanted..."

WHO'S UP FOR DESERT?

And speaking of cooking something up, I hope that those female ninjas actually hit the jackpot on one of those scratch-and-win lottery tickets that they stole. Because they're definitely going to need the cash if they want to have desert in Sri Lanka. The Fortress, a local Sri Lankan resort, has created a dish called "The Fortress Stilt Fisherman Indulgence" which they are touting as the world's most expensive desert. For the small price of $14,500.00 they say:

"The dessert is a gold leaf Italian cassata flavored with Irish cream, served with a mango and pomegranate compote and a champagne sabayon enlighten. [It] is decorated with a chocolate carving of a fisherman clinging to a stilt, an age old local fishing practice, and an 80 carat aquamarine stone."

I guess that the point of the desert is distraction. This way you can stare at a chocolate figure of an old guy fishing on stilts, and wonder why you just spent $14,500.00 on it, rather than continually asking yourself the more important question of "What the hell am I doing in Sri Lanka?!" And while they haven't actually sold one of these deserts yet, I hear that the bananas foster is delicious for $7.25.

As with everything, it all comes down to marketing. You can sell (or at least try to sell) anything in this world if you know how to market it - even an ungodly-priced desert. It's all in how you present it. Which brings me to one of the funniest clips on the internet I've ever seen. The power of editing can do wonders if you've ever thought of re-releasing Stanley Kubrick's film "The Shining" and this time marketing it as the Feel Good Movie of the Year!! Enjoy:

Hangover Haven, Chapter 1

"Oh, no more yanky my wanky...

the Donger need food!"

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When it comes to having recurring segments on 'The Half-Life of Shoes', it only makes sense to examine the many stupid things that people say and do. Just like waking with a hangover after a torrid night of drinking and realizing the silly things you did the previous night, this is dedicated to all the moments of clarity that must (or hopefully) follow the insane things that people say or do in the heat of the moment.

"I SAID WHAT?"

Given that Mrs. Shoes and I are rapidly approaching our 1st wedding anniversary, is there any more romantic and appropriate place to begin other than in Germany, where politician Gabriele Pauli has an interesting idea on what that perfect gift for your spouse should be to celebrate the blessed 7-year wedding anniversary? Now, the traditional gift for 7 years is copper: so perhaps copper-engraved divorce papers?! Awhhhh, honey you shouldn't have.... Yep, she wants to campaign on the idea that marriages should expire after 7 years! Of course, after that time couples could then decide to extend the marriage if they really want to or just let it dissolve.

OK, so Pauli is 50 years old and has been divorced twice: she's speaking from experience here! And while some in the German parliament have compared her idea to "the dirt under your fingernails", I'm assuming that it's simply the dirt that builds up under your nails from excessively scratching that annoying 7-year itch. In fact, I'd love to see future engagement rings stamped like beef with "Best If Used By Sept. 25th, 2014."

Just think: the knowledge alone that an engagement ring is only good for a certain period of time might have helped out Luke Jacunski, as he proposed last Saturday to his girlfriend in Central Park in New York City... and then got mugged!! I'm not kidding - why would I make this up? He might have been able to say: "Take my watch and the cash, but this ring is useless - it's about to expire anyway!"

"I SAID WHAT?"

It certainly seems as if Gabriele Pauli is trying to initiate kooky legislation based upon her own personal issues, but she doesn't appear to be alone in suggesting such baseless ideas. Conservative radio talk show host Laura Ingraham is in the Alberto Gonzales camp of torture-is-ok-as-long-as-it-isn't-MY-toenails, and while most people realize how horrible torturing someone is (not to mention the Geneva Conventions), Ms. Ingraham thinks she has finally found a mandate for her beliefs:


Ahhhh, the logic of the fact-based reality show "24". Wait, "24" is a fictional show?!? Quick! Someone had better warn Laura Ingraham against taking that detour into a darkly painetd half-oval on the side of a mountain then: It's NOT really a tunnel! It's TV!

Not to pick on Ingraham completely, but this is the same person who - as illustrated above - can only make sound judgments on issues if affected by them personally. Putting herself in someone else's Shoes (so to speak) is not really her forte. From a Wikipedia excerpt:

According to David Brock, in his 2002 book Blinded by the Right, Ingraham, while writing for The Dartmouth Review in the mid-1980s, once attended meetings of a gay student organization for the purpose of publicly outing them in the newspaper. Ingraham secretly taped a meeting of the Gay Students Association, then published the transcript, identifying students by name and calling them "sodomites".

A decade later, on February 23, 1997, however, Ingraham wrote an essay in the Washington Post in which she announced significant changes in how she views gays and lesbians. This was motivated primarily by her experience with one of her brothers rumored to have been estranged from her for a time after the gay student group controversy, as he cared for his ailing partner:

"In the ten years since I learned one of my brothers was gay, my views and rhetoric about homosexuals have been tempered... because I have seen him and his partner of 14 years, lead their lives with dignity, fidelity and courage."

Wow! How big of her to temper her views and rhetoric about homosexuals, only after seeing her brother act like a human being. I mean, who would have guessed that a gay person can not only act like a human being but in fact is a human being. I guess that Laura's epiphany almost makes up for her earlier public outings of students. Can you feel the hate? Er, I mean love. There's nothing like basing your entire social belief system on a tv show and a personal relationship with a single gay person. Ah, the broader view of things as always.

"I SAID WHAT?"

Which reminds me of the infinite "wisdom" of Pat Robertson. There's nothing like denying Global Warming exists until it actually affects you personally. You know, in such craaaaaaazy, wacky ways as summer months being warmer than winter months:


I love the continual denial of all the scientific research done on the subject.... only to finally embrace it when your creamsicle melts on the sidewalk in July. Apparently Global Warming = "Damn, it's hot today!"

"I DID WHAT?"

And speaking of hot days, the summer is a-coming to a close. We've been in the 90s for about a week but autumn draws near and the temps will begin to fall. So as the baseball playoffs are shaping up and the Cubs may even have a spot in the postseason, I'll end this Hangover Haven with a note on how to prevent your child from getting the crap beat out of them as they grow up and attend school: Don't give them funny names! Example: If your last name is Freely, don't name your kid with the initials I.P. And for God's sake if your last name is Hunt, then no matter how hysterical you think it is, naming them Mike is not a smart choice.

But how do you condemn a couple of Chicago Cubs fans, who happen to have the last name Fields? They're gearing up for the playoffs and the wife gives birth to a healthy baby boy. And then they name their newborn son... you guessed it: Wrigley. They named the boy Wrigley Fields. Nothing like naming your child after the ballpark that is home to one of the losingest franchises in sports history. In fact, it gives me a great idea for a baby's name should Mr. & Mrs. Shoes ever need to pick one: Titanic.

God in the News, Chapter 1

You know, sometimes I get tired of all the controversial topics in today's world. So I admit I was pretty relieved when I finally stumbled across some news articles regarding a much lighter subject matter that at least everyone is comfortable talking about: Religion!

In the city of Lincoln, NE one would expect nothing less than good, hard rational thinking especially from its state government. So it should come as little surprise when last July during a sexual assault trial in Lancaster County, NE, Judge Jeffre Cheuvront barred the rape victim from using such words as "rape" and "victim". Apparently the word "guilty" also seemed to be barred though, but thankfully "mistrial" was very much available as the accused was set free because Cheuvront decided that it was impossible to find an impartial jury due to a large amount of pretrial publicity. Ahhhhh, justice is served!!

But for some reason Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers was upset by that ruling. So in response he filed a new lawsuit of his own....Against God. Seriously. Can I get a Halleluiah!? Yeah, finally we can get some retribution from the Almighty. According to the MSNBC article "Nebraska state senator sues God" Chambers' lawsuit accuses God of "causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still."

Chambers says in his lawsuit that God has made terrorist threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants." [He also says God has caused] "fearsome floods...horrendous hurricanes [and] terrifying tornadoes.”

Note: I find it strange that Chambers didn't also mention that God caused all my gambling losses in Las Vegas - not to mention the untold number of Grammy nominees He caused to lose, seeing that the winners always seem to thank Him. Those issues aside, the best part about the whole lawsuit is the State Senator's pure rationale about being able to sue God in Douglas County, NE. The reason: "because He's everywhere!"

Surprisingly, I do foresee a few minor problems with this lawsuit though:

A) I suppose the hardest part is going to be serving God with the papers. In order to serve God (so to speak) I'm assuming that the documents can either be placed in the church collection basket on Sunday (along with $5) or else shipped via UPS, simply addressed to "The Almighty - 1 North Pearly Gates - Heaven." Ahhh, UPS doesn't deliver packages to addresses not located on Earth, you say? You could always try addressing the papers to "Burning Bush - Mt. Sinai" and hope that God left a forwarding address after having briefly resided there with roommate Moses. All I know is that if Santa Claus can receive letters addressed to "The North Pole" then I certainly have faith in our overnight small package companies to safely deliver court papers to God.

B) Speaking of serving God with papers, another toughie might be figuring out exactly which God Chambers is suing. Is it the Jewish God? Or the Christian's God? Or is it Islam's God of Abraham? Or even... I'm sorry, what? Those are all the same God? How confusing is that?! If they're all the same God, then why do we have so many problems in the world? I swear, the Holy Spirit must have the toughest job ever being secretary for those 3... or 1... whatever. I mean, isn't there a way to tell which God is the real one? I was worried about this until I luckily found an article on the website CatholicNews.com titled “Vatican Congregation Reaffirms Truth, Oneness of Catholic Church.” Here is a small excerpt:

In a brief document, the Vatican's doctrinal congregation reaffirmed that the Catholic Church is the one, true church, even if elements of truth can be found in separated churches and communities.

Touching an ecumenical sore point, the document said some of the separated Christian communities, such as Protestant communities, should not properly be called "churches" according to Catholic doctrine because of major differences over the ordained priesthood and the Eucharist.

The Vatican released the text July 10 [2007]. Titled "Responses to Some Questions Regarding Certain Aspects of the Doctrine on the Church," it was signed by U.S. Cardinal William J. Levada, prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, and approved by Pope Benedict XVI before publication.

In a cover letter, Cardinal Levada asked the world's bishops to do all they can to promote and present the document to the wider public.

Whew! I'm glad that once and for all we got that cleared up. Simply put, all of the world's religions that aren't Roman Catholic obviously disagree with what the Pope believes - whether in part or in whole - so naturally they are all wrong and not true churches. And this comes from a very credible and unbiased source - the Pope - so we know it's true. Maybe we can send those Nebraska court papers directly to the Vatican and let the Pope just pass them on to God? It might be quicker than using the U.S. Post Office or UPS Ground.

C) Let's skip ahead to after God gets served the papers. Now we have to find twelve people to sit as a jury of His peers. I'm not positive that we can limit ourselves to Douglas County, NE for this part, and that's not a knock. Or maybe it is. Either way, since God isn't overtly letting us know who His peers are we can only make educated guesses.

Right off the bat one can assume that the Pope (1) would serve as lead juror. And of course George W. Bush (2) would be there. Jerry Falwell would have been perfect but he's already (and undoubtedly) in Heaven. But surely Pat Robertson (3) of The 700 Club could represent instead. And if speaking loudly on tv and/or radio proclaiming to always be right and on the side of God, then certainly we can't leave off the likes of Lou Dobbs, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Michael Savage, Rush Limbaugh and Pat Buchanan (4-9).

Now, I would love to suggest Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin and Laura Ingraham as possible jurors, but since they're women and therefore not even allowed to become priests in the Catholic church, I highly doubt that they can be perceived as God's peers, am I right? But maybe we can have all 3 of them serve, counting each of their opinions as 1/3? It's not as if the USA doesn't have a history of considering certain people as being less than a whole person so it's not unprecedented. Ok, cool. Coulter, Malkin & Ingraham comprise a single juror (10).

And we can't leave off Ted Haggard can we? Former pastor and leader of the National Association of Evangelicals. I mean, he was probably framed and innocent when accused of repeatedly having sex with a male prostitute and buying crystal meth. ...Wait, he confessed to buying the crystal meth? Oh. Wellllll, he said that he bought it for himself but never used it, right? Phew! That was close. For a second there I thought he might have used it. But he was merely tempted. Good, because that's not a crime. Don't forget Jesus was tempted, too. I'm glad Haggard at least cleared all doubts when denying to ever having met the male prostitute who accused him of all of this.... Ok, yes, he later admitted to not only having met the prostitute, but actually knowing him personally and also buying the meth from him. But at least he didn't deny knowing him 3 times like Peter did Jesus.... And Peter now holds the keychain to Heaven and its mailbox - literally!! (Who do you think is signing for God's court papers?) As for the sex with a male prostitute thing? Naaaaah. I don't buy it. Now granted, after denying it, Haggard later said, "The fact is I am guilty of sexual immorality," but at least he followed that up by doing the right thing:

After the scandal was publicized, Haggard entered three weeks of intensive counseling, overseen by four ministers. On February 6th, 2007 one of those ministers, Tim Ralph, stated that Haggard "is completely heterosexual."

Ralph later said he meant to say that therapy "gave Ted the tools to help to embrace his heterosexual side."

So, he's got the tools. Simple enough. Ted Haggard (11) is a juror. And if simply denying that you're gay is a positive thing, then obviously Idaho Senator Larry Craig (see a few articles below in this blog) should be given consideration to serve on the jury of God's peers as well. After all, when deciding to resign from the U.S. Senate (even though he's now re-thinking that decision) he said, "I am not gay. I never have been gay." Thank you. That makes Larry Craig (12) a juror as well.

Wow, that wasn't as tough as I thought it would be. In fact it seems God's peers are nearly everywhere.

D) But just because you have the courtroom setup and ready for trial with a 12-person jury of God's peers, doesn't mean there isn't another hurdle to overcome in this trial: God has to show up!! Yeah, the Creator got served. But if President Bush can invoke executive privilege (thereby preventing White House aides Harriet Miers and Sara Taylor from testifying before Congress into their roles of the possible unethical and illegal firings of U.S. attorneys for political purposes), then don't you think God would be able to claim some kind of Universal Almighty Privilege as well? And who is going to enforce the subpoena placed upon Him? Alberto Gonzales? Douuuuubtfulllllll.

Doesn't Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers realize that God is probably just going to ignore His court date? I mean, doesn't His Universal Almighty Privilege give God the right to arbitrarily "inspire fear and cause widespread death and destruction"? He's been doing it forever hasn't He? At least since the 10 plagues of Egypt were brought down upon the Egyptians in order to free the Moses (former roommate) led Hebrew slaves. And as for causing fearsome floods, horrendous hurricanes and terrifying tornadoes....alliteration aside these are nothing! Compared to the Angel of Death those pesky natural disasters seem more in line with sitting in a bowl of milk with the pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers and blue diamonds of Lucky Charms. Just ask the people of New Orleans after Hurricane Kattrina. I'm sure they'll agree that God has the right to do all of those things. Although, in retrospect, God probably should have reinforced those levees over the years, ya think?

So maybe God should be put on trial then, huh? It couldn't be worse than when George Burns did it in "Oh, God!"

Who Wants To Smell Old Shoes' Reviews?

Scouring the internet for any incriminating evidence against me should I ever decide to run for public office - and yes, I'm quite sure it exists - I stumbled across some old movie reviews I used to write for MoeCain.com. (Sadly, the cartoonish figure on the home page Really Does look like Moe/Joe.) Maybe these old reviews are humorous, maybe they're worth reading, and maybe I didn't even see all of the films at the time I reviewed them. Does that really matter? I just figured there should definitely be a link to them in cyberspace. I mean where else would you find really sarcastic reviews of movies like "Signs", "Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone", "The Bourne Identity", "A Beautiful Mind" and others?

So, click on the link to enjoy the reviews at the Smelling Shoes page. Amazing that name never caught on, huh? But a big thanks to Moe for not updating his website in more than 2 years. It made it rather easy to find this link.

Fishing vs. Football: What's the Over/Under?

In honor of the annual fishing trip that I went on this past weekend with my Dad and brother-in-law, I felt it was about time to jump into the sports scene....of sorts.

FISHING: A Sport?

Well, I still doubt very much that fishing can be considered a sport. In my opinion, if you cannot televise an event live then it isn't a sport. (And while I hardly consider NASCAR to be a sport either, I at least admit that I can't drive 180 miles per hour without crashing, dying and crapping my pants - not even remotely in that order.) But with fishing, let me give you a visual of our "sport": Imagine watching 3 grown men, each in their own rowboat on a small lake (Waubee Lake) in northern Wisconsin. Loud curses soar across the water as one of them gets stuck with a hook while trying to put a minnow on the line as bait. Explatives echo as the wind rips into us, tangling lines and carrying one of the boats to wash up on shore. At one point someone stands up and pees into the lake, actually holding a net at the same time just in case a fish swims up to investigate. Yeah, when ESPN starts broadcasting their live coverage of that, let me know and I'm in! But until then it's not a sport.

After all was said and done though, we caught our fair share of fish and let almost all of them go back into the lake. Butch (my brother-in-law) decided to keep a very nice 18-inch small mouth bass and take it to the taxidermist. However, I'm doubting that my suggestion that after mounting it on a plaque, he should also insert a music box so that it can sing "Lay Lady Lay" will be taken into consideration.

After a full day of fishing on Saturday we walked down to the Supper Club. Now, I have no idea what a Supper Club actually is, but I had a vague preconception that it meant restaurant and bar rather than just a mis-spelling of Super Club. However, this Supper Club had just lost their liquor license (which, I believe, is a felony in WI) so we were told to bring in our own alcohol disguised in other beverage holders: Beer in a Pepsi can, vodka with a mustache, etc. Without a liquor license business was slow on a Saturday night especially considering the University of Wisconsin football game was on, which brings me to...

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: Get a Grip!

I guess this is more of a jibe against some sports fans in general, but it seems fitting since I almost got my ass kicked at a Supper Club: some people take their sports teams wayyyyyy too seriously! I learned that you're not supposed to say anything derogatory against a team even if they're ranked #5 in the nation - as Wisconsin's football team was - and losing late in the 4th quarter to UNLV (not a good team). And when I mentioned that I went to Kansas that only imflamed matters.

Shoes: "Oh, I went to Kansas, so don't worry because our football team sucks every year."

Drunk WI fan: "Oh hey! Maybe we can turn on the Kansas game right now! Where's the Kansas game?! Oh, that's right: they're not on!!"

Shoes: "Well, Kansas actually played earlier this afternoon and won. But if you heard me, I just got done saying that our football team sucks and is never very good."

DWI F: "That's right!"

Shoes: "Ummm right."

DWI F: "Yeah see! You still just hang your hat on 1988 when they won their basketball championship, right? You loser! Kansas sucks!"

Shoes: "I thought we were talking about football. But I'll take my four Final Four's since 1988 as a success too. Our basketball team is good every year. But it's late in the 4th quarter and your #5 Wisconsin team is losing to a sh*tty UNLV team, that's all I'm saying."

DWI F: "Yeah see! We're #5 and where is Kansas?! They suck! See?!"

Shoes: "Ummm, no I don't."

Apparently I should have though. Dealing with drunk fans who cannot hold lucid conversations should be a clear sign to not push things. So when Wisconsin finally scored late in the game to take the lead over UNLV, I probably shouldn't have started to chant the Rock Chalk Jayhawk....but alas, I did. When Drunk WI Fan turned to me and pointed a finger saying, "That's - not - funny!" I shouldn't have said "It's a liiiitle funny."

Somehow I walked out of the Supper Club unscathed and un-thrown-in-the-lake. Unfortunately, some fans haven't been as lucky as me in the past. Like a 32-year old fan who was nearly castrated in a fight for wearing a Texas t-shirt into an Oklahoma fan-based bar.

According to police, 32-year-old Texas fan Brian Christopher Thomas walked into Henry Hudson's Pub on June 17 wearing a Longhorns T-shirt and quickly became the focus of football "trash talk" from another regular, 53-year-old Oklahoma fan Allen Michael Beckett.

Thomas told police that when he decided to leave and went to the bar to pay his tab, Beckett grabbed him in the crotch, pulled him to the ground and wouldn't let go, even as bar patrons tried to break it up. When the two men were separated, Thomas looked down and realized the extent of his injuries.

"He could see both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body," said Thomas' attorney, Carl Hughes. "He was wearing a pair of white shorts, which made it that much worse."

Whoa!! Hey now!! It's just a game fellars! Normally I'd tell them to get a grip, but now even that isn't a safe thing to say. It just goes to show that until you've built up a fan base that will rip another man's balls off in team spirit then it's just not a real sport. So I'm sorry fishing: not quite yet. (By these standards however, soccer qualifies with ease.)