God in the News...Happy Holidays!!!

Well, my posts have been few and far between lately. I don't have a good excuse, other than I've been in training quite a bit for my new part-time job as a bartender in Schaumburg. That's right: Shoes is serving people drinks just as God intended me to do.

**God in the Food**

And speaking of God, the Almighty has been making the news quite a bit lately. Maybe it's because His son's birthday is coming up later this month? And by the way, I've seen Jesus's picture appear on a piece of toast recently and He looks fabulous for being two thousand and seven years old, butter-spread mustache or not.
And, it's not like this ISN'T a bonafide miracle. I mean, if you were an all-powerful being that created the universe, wouldn't you prepare for your Second Coming by having your face appear on pieces of toasted bread in a random Tennessee kitchen? Yeah, me too!

**God in the Polls**

In the meantime, before the anticipated Second Coming, God's popularity is remaining strong and steady here in the United States. True, God might not be popular enough to win on American Idol (and I'd hate to hear Simon Cowell's comments on God not being able to hit a falsetto note), but in the hearts and minds of American citizens He remains on top.

In fact, a recent Harris poll shows that more Americans believe in a literal Hell and the devil than Charles Darwin's theory of evolution.

"The poll of 2,455 U.S. adults from Nov 7 to 13 [2007] found that 82 percent of those surveyed believed in God, a figure unchanged since the question was asked in 2005."

The 82% mark is encouraging, but the number that really scares me (other than 666) is that only 62% believe in an actual Hell and the Devil. How can 20% of these people believe in one and not the other? Apparently Satan needs to make some more public appearances on food items, rather than the glaringly obvious self-portraits he left in the 1/2-second of billowing smoke on 9/11: Hello, you 20% of Devil-doubters: Just look at the facts of that photo!

Regardless, at least the truth is getting out there that Charles Darwin's theory of evolution (or more accurately, Natural Selection) is just that: a theory provided by an atheistic and Godless scientist who based his entire theory upon tons of research and scientific data. Like that should be any basis for a theory! So congratulations US citizens: Only 42% of those surveyed said they believed in Darwin's theory. And while that's good, it's still not great. I'm disappointed that more people still believe in evolution than in UFOs (35%) and witches (31%). It goes to show that we've still got some work to do in order to get Intelligent Design (see my previous post) taught to our young children in school. Otherwise Flying Spaghetti Monsterism very well might become the most popular religion, because let's face it: spaghetti is a lot more delicious than dry toast!

**God in the Schools**

And while our fight to have Intelligent Design (the theory of If-You-Can't-Yet-Explain-It-Scientifically-Then-It-Must-Be-God...or the Theory of Default) taught in our schools is still ongoing, at least one of our Catholic nuns is doing the right thing in her classrooms.

"[Sister Kathy Avery in Michigan], the principal of St. Clare of Montefalco Catholic School, had students stay after a Mass last month and informed the fifth- through eighth-graders that she has a zero-tolerance policy for cursing.

"Just in case anyone wasn't sure what she was talking about, Avery read off a list of the very words and phrases that she was banning."

Now, Sistery Avery, I'm sure you did a valiant job of reading off the curse words while trying to teach the children a valuable lesson, but you can't just preach the old "Do as I say, not as I do" line here...mainly because you DON'T want them to do as you say. You probably could have had a much more lasting effect if you had just tried to reach the children through song, rather than merely reading all the curse words off of a list. Well here, I found a training video for you to watch. This should help:



And while our children might or might not be learning the harsh lessons of cursing, at least one young man in Indianapolis is diligently doing his part to obey 2 of the 10 Commandments: Honor thy Father and Mother, and Honor the Sabbath Day to Keep It Holy.

18-year old Justin T. Veal was jailed on a felony robbery charge after being arrested for holding up a liquor store. However, being the good Christian boy that he is, he told detectives that while he did hold up around a dozen different businesses so that he could have "money to fix his car, to buy jewelry, [and] to keep up with everyone else" Veal never performed a robbery on a Sunday because he and his mother attended church every Sunday.

Even after committing a robbery Veal said he always made sure he was home by 1:30 a.m. to meet his mother's curfew. He told a local television station, "Curfew is 1:30. Her rules, her house. Make it in by 1:30."

It's just nice to finally see a story that illustrates the positive effects of going to church and obeying your mother. Who knows what mischief he might have otherwise gotten into?

**God in the Consumer Market**

One day our children will grow up. Today's youth in America will become its strength and power. In order for the United States to remain the Modern-Day-Rome (albeit with less orgies that I know of), our children will have to be extremely business savvy, all the while keeping with their religious beliefs. So why not combine both? Who says God can't turn a buck or two? I mean, have you even seen the Vatican?

And if the Catholics know how to make a profit (the jury's still out on that) then why not join the ever-growing trend of bottled water? Better yet: Bottled Holy Water!!

"Holy Drinking Water, produced by a California-based company called Wayne Enterprises, is blessed in the warehouse by an Anglican or Roman Catholic priest (after a thorough background check). Like a crucifix or a rosary, a bottle of Holy Drinking Water is a daily reminder to be kind to others, says Brian Germann, Wayne's CEO."

Finally, we can use Holy Water for something other than killing vampires and demons. Instead, we can use it as God intended: to baptize people!! So, I'm calling on everyone right now to purchase as much of this bottled Holy Water as you can. Then go out into your communities and randomly sprinkle some of the Holy Water on the heads of strangers, thereby baptising them. Forced cleansing of sins is better than no cleansing of sins! And if someone actually gets upset at you for dousing them with water, I suggest you also carry around some bread and wine and offer it to them to settle their nerves. Kill two sacraments with one stone!

**The Truth??**

The truth is a hard thing to know, I'll give you that much. With all sorts of religions out there, it's tough to figure out which one is actually teaching us the truth. Does God have 8 arms and an elephant trunk like Hindus believe? Can God make it so a man can live inside the stomach of a fish for 3 days, and then walk out of the fish's mouth as if he were on a ferry ride to Nantucket Island, as the believers in the Old Testament attest to? Or did life actually begin on another planet and get transfered here as Scientologists believe? And how about our friend the Pasta God? Is God just naturally that delicious or does He need grated parmesan to become so?

With all the choices I just don't know what to believe, but I'm starting to think that the Scientologists are on to something. Here's a little intro to their doctrine (for real) and if this doesn't get you pumped up about God being in the news, then I don't know what will:



I don't understand why more people aren't buying into this. It seems perfectly rational to me.

**God in the Holidays**

Notice I didn't say Merry Christmas. Or Happy Hannuka. Or Happy New Year. Well, this is because these are ALL separate holidays that are pretty much celebrated throughout the entire month of December. This is why it's called the Holiday Season.

However, I still think Bill O'Reilly makes a good argument when he says that there is a War On Christmas. He's worried that the "secular progressives" (that catchy term he invented and desperately tries to get people to use) are out to destroy the values and traditions of Christmas. And he's right! We simply cannot allow people to take away all the Christian values of a fat, bearded man in a red and white suit that rides in a sleigh pulled by flying deer, breaking and entering into almost every single house on the planet over the course of a single night, delivering presents.

Saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" is a flat-out declaration of war on that religious belief, and it's a fight that I'm glad Bill O'Reilly is at the forefront of. He's a true soldier of God....and of Santa Claus.

Another thing I'm not a fan of: taking advantage of the time-honored tradition of gift-giving. Part of the strategy of a War On Christmas is trying to prevent that giving spirit, and I'm against it. That's why I cringe when I hear stories like this one, where a man was pulled over for speeding in Oregon, and then arrested for transporting 2 pounds of marijuana in the car with him. The pot was wrapped in a box like a Christmas present. This is just wrong and against the spirit of Christmas that this man was arrested! Because right now there's another man with a serious case of glaucoma and a stocking stuffed with pizza-flavored combos that is really missing his Christmas pot. And what's he going to do now with the wrapped box of $2500.00 in cash that was going to be his own Christmas gift in return? It's a sad state of affairs.

Happy Holidays everyone!