Hangover Haven, Chapter 1

"Oh, no more yanky my wanky...

the Donger need food!"

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When it comes to having recurring segments on 'The Half-Life of Shoes', it only makes sense to examine the many stupid things that people say and do. Just like waking with a hangover after a torrid night of drinking and realizing the silly things you did the previous night, this is dedicated to all the moments of clarity that must (or hopefully) follow the insane things that people say or do in the heat of the moment.

"I SAID WHAT?"

Given that Mrs. Shoes and I are rapidly approaching our 1st wedding anniversary, is there any more romantic and appropriate place to begin other than in Germany, where politician Gabriele Pauli has an interesting idea on what that perfect gift for your spouse should be to celebrate the blessed 7-year wedding anniversary? Now, the traditional gift for 7 years is copper: so perhaps copper-engraved divorce papers?! Awhhhh, honey you shouldn't have.... Yep, she wants to campaign on the idea that marriages should expire after 7 years! Of course, after that time couples could then decide to extend the marriage if they really want to or just let it dissolve.

OK, so Pauli is 50 years old and has been divorced twice: she's speaking from experience here! And while some in the German parliament have compared her idea to "the dirt under your fingernails", I'm assuming that it's simply the dirt that builds up under your nails from excessively scratching that annoying 7-year itch. In fact, I'd love to see future engagement rings stamped like beef with "Best If Used By Sept. 25th, 2014."

Just think: the knowledge alone that an engagement ring is only good for a certain period of time might have helped out Luke Jacunski, as he proposed last Saturday to his girlfriend in Central Park in New York City... and then got mugged!! I'm not kidding - why would I make this up? He might have been able to say: "Take my watch and the cash, but this ring is useless - it's about to expire anyway!"

"I SAID WHAT?"

It certainly seems as if Gabriele Pauli is trying to initiate kooky legislation based upon her own personal issues, but she doesn't appear to be alone in suggesting such baseless ideas. Conservative radio talk show host Laura Ingraham is in the Alberto Gonzales camp of torture-is-ok-as-long-as-it-isn't-MY-toenails, and while most people realize how horrible torturing someone is (not to mention the Geneva Conventions), Ms. Ingraham thinks she has finally found a mandate for her beliefs:


Ahhhh, the logic of the fact-based reality show "24". Wait, "24" is a fictional show?!? Quick! Someone had better warn Laura Ingraham against taking that detour into a darkly painetd half-oval on the side of a mountain then: It's NOT really a tunnel! It's TV!

Not to pick on Ingraham completely, but this is the same person who - as illustrated above - can only make sound judgments on issues if affected by them personally. Putting herself in someone else's Shoes (so to speak) is not really her forte. From a Wikipedia excerpt:

According to David Brock, in his 2002 book Blinded by the Right, Ingraham, while writing for The Dartmouth Review in the mid-1980s, once attended meetings of a gay student organization for the purpose of publicly outing them in the newspaper. Ingraham secretly taped a meeting of the Gay Students Association, then published the transcript, identifying students by name and calling them "sodomites".

A decade later, on February 23, 1997, however, Ingraham wrote an essay in the Washington Post in which she announced significant changes in how she views gays and lesbians. This was motivated primarily by her experience with one of her brothers rumored to have been estranged from her for a time after the gay student group controversy, as he cared for his ailing partner:

"In the ten years since I learned one of my brothers was gay, my views and rhetoric about homosexuals have been tempered... because I have seen him and his partner of 14 years, lead their lives with dignity, fidelity and courage."

Wow! How big of her to temper her views and rhetoric about homosexuals, only after seeing her brother act like a human being. I mean, who would have guessed that a gay person can not only act like a human being but in fact is a human being. I guess that Laura's epiphany almost makes up for her earlier public outings of students. Can you feel the hate? Er, I mean love. There's nothing like basing your entire social belief system on a tv show and a personal relationship with a single gay person. Ah, the broader view of things as always.

"I SAID WHAT?"

Which reminds me of the infinite "wisdom" of Pat Robertson. There's nothing like denying Global Warming exists until it actually affects you personally. You know, in such craaaaaaazy, wacky ways as summer months being warmer than winter months:


I love the continual denial of all the scientific research done on the subject.... only to finally embrace it when your creamsicle melts on the sidewalk in July. Apparently Global Warming = "Damn, it's hot today!"

"I DID WHAT?"

And speaking of hot days, the summer is a-coming to a close. We've been in the 90s for about a week but autumn draws near and the temps will begin to fall. So as the baseball playoffs are shaping up and the Cubs may even have a spot in the postseason, I'll end this Hangover Haven with a note on how to prevent your child from getting the crap beat out of them as they grow up and attend school: Don't give them funny names! Example: If your last name is Freely, don't name your kid with the initials I.P. And for God's sake if your last name is Hunt, then no matter how hysterical you think it is, naming them Mike is not a smart choice.

But how do you condemn a couple of Chicago Cubs fans, who happen to have the last name Fields? They're gearing up for the playoffs and the wife gives birth to a healthy baby boy. And then they name their newborn son... you guessed it: Wrigley. They named the boy Wrigley Fields. Nothing like naming your child after the ballpark that is home to one of the losingest franchises in sports history. In fact, it gives me a great idea for a baby's name should Mr. & Mrs. Shoes ever need to pick one: Titanic.

God in the News, Chapter 1

You know, sometimes I get tired of all the controversial topics in today's world. So I admit I was pretty relieved when I finally stumbled across some news articles regarding a much lighter subject matter that at least everyone is comfortable talking about: Religion!

In the city of Lincoln, NE one would expect nothing less than good, hard rational thinking especially from its state government. So it should come as little surprise when last July during a sexual assault trial in Lancaster County, NE, Judge Jeffre Cheuvront barred the rape victim from using such words as "rape" and "victim". Apparently the word "guilty" also seemed to be barred though, but thankfully "mistrial" was very much available as the accused was set free because Cheuvront decided that it was impossible to find an impartial jury due to a large amount of pretrial publicity. Ahhhhh, justice is served!!

But for some reason Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers was upset by that ruling. So in response he filed a new lawsuit of his own....Against God. Seriously. Can I get a Halleluiah!? Yeah, finally we can get some retribution from the Almighty. According to the MSNBC article "Nebraska state senator sues God" Chambers' lawsuit accuses God of "causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still."

Chambers says in his lawsuit that God has made terrorist threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants." [He also says God has caused] "fearsome floods...horrendous hurricanes [and] terrifying tornadoes.”

Note: I find it strange that Chambers didn't also mention that God caused all my gambling losses in Las Vegas - not to mention the untold number of Grammy nominees He caused to lose, seeing that the winners always seem to thank Him. Those issues aside, the best part about the whole lawsuit is the State Senator's pure rationale about being able to sue God in Douglas County, NE. The reason: "because He's everywhere!"

Surprisingly, I do foresee a few minor problems with this lawsuit though:

A) I suppose the hardest part is going to be serving God with the papers. In order to serve God (so to speak) I'm assuming that the documents can either be placed in the church collection basket on Sunday (along with $5) or else shipped via UPS, simply addressed to "The Almighty - 1 North Pearly Gates - Heaven." Ahhh, UPS doesn't deliver packages to addresses not located on Earth, you say? You could always try addressing the papers to "Burning Bush - Mt. Sinai" and hope that God left a forwarding address after having briefly resided there with roommate Moses. All I know is that if Santa Claus can receive letters addressed to "The North Pole" then I certainly have faith in our overnight small package companies to safely deliver court papers to God.

B) Speaking of serving God with papers, another toughie might be figuring out exactly which God Chambers is suing. Is it the Jewish God? Or the Christian's God? Or is it Islam's God of Abraham? Or even... I'm sorry, what? Those are all the same God? How confusing is that?! If they're all the same God, then why do we have so many problems in the world? I swear, the Holy Spirit must have the toughest job ever being secretary for those 3... or 1... whatever. I mean, isn't there a way to tell which God is the real one? I was worried about this until I luckily found an article on the website CatholicNews.com titled “Vatican Congregation Reaffirms Truth, Oneness of Catholic Church.” Here is a small excerpt:

In a brief document, the Vatican's doctrinal congregation reaffirmed that the Catholic Church is the one, true church, even if elements of truth can be found in separated churches and communities.

Touching an ecumenical sore point, the document said some of the separated Christian communities, such as Protestant communities, should not properly be called "churches" according to Catholic doctrine because of major differences over the ordained priesthood and the Eucharist.

The Vatican released the text July 10 [2007]. Titled "Responses to Some Questions Regarding Certain Aspects of the Doctrine on the Church," it was signed by U.S. Cardinal William J. Levada, prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, and approved by Pope Benedict XVI before publication.

In a cover letter, Cardinal Levada asked the world's bishops to do all they can to promote and present the document to the wider public.

Whew! I'm glad that once and for all we got that cleared up. Simply put, all of the world's religions that aren't Roman Catholic obviously disagree with what the Pope believes - whether in part or in whole - so naturally they are all wrong and not true churches. And this comes from a very credible and unbiased source - the Pope - so we know it's true. Maybe we can send those Nebraska court papers directly to the Vatican and let the Pope just pass them on to God? It might be quicker than using the U.S. Post Office or UPS Ground.

C) Let's skip ahead to after God gets served the papers. Now we have to find twelve people to sit as a jury of His peers. I'm not positive that we can limit ourselves to Douglas County, NE for this part, and that's not a knock. Or maybe it is. Either way, since God isn't overtly letting us know who His peers are we can only make educated guesses.

Right off the bat one can assume that the Pope (1) would serve as lead juror. And of course George W. Bush (2) would be there. Jerry Falwell would have been perfect but he's already (and undoubtedly) in Heaven. But surely Pat Robertson (3) of The 700 Club could represent instead. And if speaking loudly on tv and/or radio proclaiming to always be right and on the side of God, then certainly we can't leave off the likes of Lou Dobbs, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Michael Savage, Rush Limbaugh and Pat Buchanan (4-9).

Now, I would love to suggest Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin and Laura Ingraham as possible jurors, but since they're women and therefore not even allowed to become priests in the Catholic church, I highly doubt that they can be perceived as God's peers, am I right? But maybe we can have all 3 of them serve, counting each of their opinions as 1/3? It's not as if the USA doesn't have a history of considering certain people as being less than a whole person so it's not unprecedented. Ok, cool. Coulter, Malkin & Ingraham comprise a single juror (10).

And we can't leave off Ted Haggard can we? Former pastor and leader of the National Association of Evangelicals. I mean, he was probably framed and innocent when accused of repeatedly having sex with a male prostitute and buying crystal meth. ...Wait, he confessed to buying the crystal meth? Oh. Wellllll, he said that he bought it for himself but never used it, right? Phew! That was close. For a second there I thought he might have used it. But he was merely tempted. Good, because that's not a crime. Don't forget Jesus was tempted, too. I'm glad Haggard at least cleared all doubts when denying to ever having met the male prostitute who accused him of all of this.... Ok, yes, he later admitted to not only having met the prostitute, but actually knowing him personally and also buying the meth from him. But at least he didn't deny knowing him 3 times like Peter did Jesus.... And Peter now holds the keychain to Heaven and its mailbox - literally!! (Who do you think is signing for God's court papers?) As for the sex with a male prostitute thing? Naaaaah. I don't buy it. Now granted, after denying it, Haggard later said, "The fact is I am guilty of sexual immorality," but at least he followed that up by doing the right thing:

After the scandal was publicized, Haggard entered three weeks of intensive counseling, overseen by four ministers. On February 6th, 2007 one of those ministers, Tim Ralph, stated that Haggard "is completely heterosexual."

Ralph later said he meant to say that therapy "gave Ted the tools to help to embrace his heterosexual side."

So, he's got the tools. Simple enough. Ted Haggard (11) is a juror. And if simply denying that you're gay is a positive thing, then obviously Idaho Senator Larry Craig (see a few articles below in this blog) should be given consideration to serve on the jury of God's peers as well. After all, when deciding to resign from the U.S. Senate (even though he's now re-thinking that decision) he said, "I am not gay. I never have been gay." Thank you. That makes Larry Craig (12) a juror as well.

Wow, that wasn't as tough as I thought it would be. In fact it seems God's peers are nearly everywhere.

D) But just because you have the courtroom setup and ready for trial with a 12-person jury of God's peers, doesn't mean there isn't another hurdle to overcome in this trial: God has to show up!! Yeah, the Creator got served. But if President Bush can invoke executive privilege (thereby preventing White House aides Harriet Miers and Sara Taylor from testifying before Congress into their roles of the possible unethical and illegal firings of U.S. attorneys for political purposes), then don't you think God would be able to claim some kind of Universal Almighty Privilege as well? And who is going to enforce the subpoena placed upon Him? Alberto Gonzales? Douuuuubtfulllllll.

Doesn't Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers realize that God is probably just going to ignore His court date? I mean, doesn't His Universal Almighty Privilege give God the right to arbitrarily "inspire fear and cause widespread death and destruction"? He's been doing it forever hasn't He? At least since the 10 plagues of Egypt were brought down upon the Egyptians in order to free the Moses (former roommate) led Hebrew slaves. And as for causing fearsome floods, horrendous hurricanes and terrifying tornadoes....alliteration aside these are nothing! Compared to the Angel of Death those pesky natural disasters seem more in line with sitting in a bowl of milk with the pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers and blue diamonds of Lucky Charms. Just ask the people of New Orleans after Hurricane Kattrina. I'm sure they'll agree that God has the right to do all of those things. Although, in retrospect, God probably should have reinforced those levees over the years, ya think?

So maybe God should be put on trial then, huh? It couldn't be worse than when George Burns did it in "Oh, God!"

Who Wants To Smell Old Shoes' Reviews?

Scouring the internet for any incriminating evidence against me should I ever decide to run for public office - and yes, I'm quite sure it exists - I stumbled across some old movie reviews I used to write for MoeCain.com. (Sadly, the cartoonish figure on the home page Really Does look like Moe/Joe.) Maybe these old reviews are humorous, maybe they're worth reading, and maybe I didn't even see all of the films at the time I reviewed them. Does that really matter? I just figured there should definitely be a link to them in cyberspace. I mean where else would you find really sarcastic reviews of movies like "Signs", "Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone", "The Bourne Identity", "A Beautiful Mind" and others?

So, click on the link to enjoy the reviews at the Smelling Shoes page. Amazing that name never caught on, huh? But a big thanks to Moe for not updating his website in more than 2 years. It made it rather easy to find this link.

Fishing vs. Football: What's the Over/Under?

In honor of the annual fishing trip that I went on this past weekend with my Dad and brother-in-law, I felt it was about time to jump into the sports scene....of sorts.

FISHING: A Sport?

Well, I still doubt very much that fishing can be considered a sport. In my opinion, if you cannot televise an event live then it isn't a sport. (And while I hardly consider NASCAR to be a sport either, I at least admit that I can't drive 180 miles per hour without crashing, dying and crapping my pants - not even remotely in that order.) But with fishing, let me give you a visual of our "sport": Imagine watching 3 grown men, each in their own rowboat on a small lake (Waubee Lake) in northern Wisconsin. Loud curses soar across the water as one of them gets stuck with a hook while trying to put a minnow on the line as bait. Explatives echo as the wind rips into us, tangling lines and carrying one of the boats to wash up on shore. At one point someone stands up and pees into the lake, actually holding a net at the same time just in case a fish swims up to investigate. Yeah, when ESPN starts broadcasting their live coverage of that, let me know and I'm in! But until then it's not a sport.

After all was said and done though, we caught our fair share of fish and let almost all of them go back into the lake. Butch (my brother-in-law) decided to keep a very nice 18-inch small mouth bass and take it to the taxidermist. However, I'm doubting that my suggestion that after mounting it on a plaque, he should also insert a music box so that it can sing "Lay Lady Lay" will be taken into consideration.

After a full day of fishing on Saturday we walked down to the Supper Club. Now, I have no idea what a Supper Club actually is, but I had a vague preconception that it meant restaurant and bar rather than just a mis-spelling of Super Club. However, this Supper Club had just lost their liquor license (which, I believe, is a felony in WI) so we were told to bring in our own alcohol disguised in other beverage holders: Beer in a Pepsi can, vodka with a mustache, etc. Without a liquor license business was slow on a Saturday night especially considering the University of Wisconsin football game was on, which brings me to...

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: Get a Grip!

I guess this is more of a jibe against some sports fans in general, but it seems fitting since I almost got my ass kicked at a Supper Club: some people take their sports teams wayyyyyy too seriously! I learned that you're not supposed to say anything derogatory against a team even if they're ranked #5 in the nation - as Wisconsin's football team was - and losing late in the 4th quarter to UNLV (not a good team). And when I mentioned that I went to Kansas that only imflamed matters.

Shoes: "Oh, I went to Kansas, so don't worry because our football team sucks every year."

Drunk WI fan: "Oh hey! Maybe we can turn on the Kansas game right now! Where's the Kansas game?! Oh, that's right: they're not on!!"

Shoes: "Well, Kansas actually played earlier this afternoon and won. But if you heard me, I just got done saying that our football team sucks and is never very good."

DWI F: "That's right!"

Shoes: "Ummm right."

DWI F: "Yeah see! You still just hang your hat on 1988 when they won their basketball championship, right? You loser! Kansas sucks!"

Shoes: "I thought we were talking about football. But I'll take my four Final Four's since 1988 as a success too. Our basketball team is good every year. But it's late in the 4th quarter and your #5 Wisconsin team is losing to a sh*tty UNLV team, that's all I'm saying."

DWI F: "Yeah see! We're #5 and where is Kansas?! They suck! See?!"

Shoes: "Ummm, no I don't."

Apparently I should have though. Dealing with drunk fans who cannot hold lucid conversations should be a clear sign to not push things. So when Wisconsin finally scored late in the game to take the lead over UNLV, I probably shouldn't have started to chant the Rock Chalk Jayhawk....but alas, I did. When Drunk WI Fan turned to me and pointed a finger saying, "That's - not - funny!" I shouldn't have said "It's a liiiitle funny."

Somehow I walked out of the Supper Club unscathed and un-thrown-in-the-lake. Unfortunately, some fans haven't been as lucky as me in the past. Like a 32-year old fan who was nearly castrated in a fight for wearing a Texas t-shirt into an Oklahoma fan-based bar.

According to police, 32-year-old Texas fan Brian Christopher Thomas walked into Henry Hudson's Pub on June 17 wearing a Longhorns T-shirt and quickly became the focus of football "trash talk" from another regular, 53-year-old Oklahoma fan Allen Michael Beckett.

Thomas told police that when he decided to leave and went to the bar to pay his tab, Beckett grabbed him in the crotch, pulled him to the ground and wouldn't let go, even as bar patrons tried to break it up. When the two men were separated, Thomas looked down and realized the extent of his injuries.

"He could see both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body," said Thomas' attorney, Carl Hughes. "He was wearing a pair of white shorts, which made it that much worse."

Whoa!! Hey now!! It's just a game fellars! Normally I'd tell them to get a grip, but now even that isn't a safe thing to say. It just goes to show that until you've built up a fan base that will rip another man's balls off in team spirit then it's just not a real sport. So I'm sorry fishing: not quite yet. (By these standards however, soccer qualifies with ease.)

From Rosie to Whoopi: We're in Good Hands

I love when television producers are full of integrity. Take for example the tv show 'The View' on ABC which is in it's 11th season. It first began as basically a gossip-related show hosted by four women during a time-slot that no normal working person was even able to see anyways. Well, the time-slot may not have changed, but the opinions - you know, the Views - certainly have. Enter Rosie O'Donnell. Her stay lasted only a year and her exit was said to have been because of a contract dispute. It probably didn't have anything to do with the fact that her views on certain issues are so flippin' crazy that she gives the true liberals a horrible name. Naaaaahhhh, couldn't have been that!

In fact, here is an excerpt from the Popular Mechanics article regarding Rosie's views of the events of 9/11: "While saying she didn’t know what to believe about the U.S. government’s involvement in the attacks of Sept. 11, she said, 'I do believe that it’s the first time in history that fire has ever melted steel. I do believe that it defies physics that World Trade Center tower 7—building 7, which collapsed in on itself—it is impossible for a building to fall the way it fell without explosives being involved. World Trade Center 7. World Trade [Center] 1 and 2 got hit by planes—7, miraculously, the first time in history, steel was melted by fire. It is physically impossible.'
She continued: 'To say that we don’t know that it imploded, that it was an implosion and a demolition, is beyond ignorant. Look at the films, get a physics expert here [on the show] from Yale, from Harvard, pick the school—[the collapse] defies reason.'"

By Rosie saying that she's not sure what to believe about the U.S. governemnt's involvement on September 11th, 2001 IS IN FACT SAYING that she knows exactly what she believes. I have as much disdain and disgust at the extraordinarily horrible policies enacted by the Bush administration as anyone else; but, for Rosie to make these types of claims only hurts the good cause against the actual failed and harmful policies. Her claims are paranoid delusions that are fed to her from a plate of ignorance and she is either too lazy or too naive to stop herself from blindly ingesting anything and everything from that plate. She might as well have grabbed something off the sampler tray such as Richard Nixon told Jackie Gleason that UFOs were real. In fact, I'd actually find it easier to digest that "Ralph Cramden" (or Sheriff Buford T. Justice if you prefer) was given permission from Tricky Dick to view a downed UFO and dead aliens from the Roswell crash! I know that I'd suffer less heartburn swallowing that, than I would from Rosie's conspiracy theories. The events of 9/11 played out according to simple physics, Rosie. Maybe try grabbing an appetizer from the plate of reality and you might like the taste. After all, reality is life's Pepto-Bismol.

In the end 'The View' and Rosie O'Donnell severed ties and went on their separate ways. But ABC realized that having such a polarizing figure on their show was good for ratings. True, it's harmful to common sense, but it's nothing that a few extra bucks in ad revenue can't remedy. So ABC decided to hire someone to replace Rosie O'Donnell. Enter Whoopi Goldberg. She'd at least probably ease herself into the comfort of the show without making an ass of herself the very first day, right? Ummm... well, ya see..... (Insert me hanging my head in shame and sighing deeply)

From the MSNBC article "Whoopi starts quick on 'View,' defends Vick:

"Whoopi Goldberg used her first day on the daytime chat show Tuesday to defend football star Michael Vick in his dogfighting case. Goldberg said that 'from where he comes from' in the South, dogfighting isn’t that unusual. 'It’s like cockfighting in Puerto Rico,' she said. 'There are certain things that are indicative to certain parts of the country.'"

Oh, Whoopi! I guess you're right. I mean, in areas of the South where Vick is from it's also said that inbreeding is popular...at least there are lots of jokes that say so. And because that's just part of the 'culture of the South' it shouldn't be frowned upon. Those people in the South just don't know that it's wrong. It's not their fault. According to other arguments defending Vick, dogfighting isn't wrong when we have people who hunt. And how can we all be so blind as to not see that rationale? In the South, dogs are probably overpopulated anyway. We should just have open season on them. Come to think of it, I also think that people aren't cruel enough in their hunting of deer. Why are we not hanging the deer with a noose? or drowning them? Come on hunters! Get on that!

When asked about dog-turture and dog-murdering, Whoopi used her own massive intellect to respond. "For many people, dogs are sport, Goldberg replied, and it appeared it took a while for Vick to realize that he was up against serious charges. 'I just thought it was interesting,' [she said] 'because it seemed like a light went off in his head when he realized this was something that the entire country didn’t appreciate.'”

Now I get it. It was just a shock to Michael Vick to learn that all of the underground activities that he was trying to keep so secret were actually against the law and frowned upon by society. How embarassing! Had he only known that people "didn't appreciate" that type of behavior he could have saved himself all of this tedious business.

Thanks for clearing up this whole confusing mess Whoopi. I can see that 'The View' is in good hands with it's new co-host. Ratings are sure to stay high at least. And maybe, just maybe, we can get Whoopi to try opining that Jackie Gleason saw the crashed debris and aliens from the UFO that crashed in Roswell, NM in 1947. Really, all we'd have to do is serve the suggestion up to her on Rosie's dinner tray - there is no way she'd be able to stop herself from digging in. And what a relief that is to know...for ABC. Because I know that I'm watching the UFO episode clips on YouTube, that's for sure!!