The Circle of Life...After Death (Flying Spaghetti Monsterism Style!!)

Adam is created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Leonardo Da Vinci's masterpiece
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The world is ending...blah blah blah... It certainly felt that way Saturday night after the #2 Jayhawks lost to - of all teams - Mizzou, giving Kansas its first loss of the season and ending hopes of a national title in football. But ________ Bowl here we come!! (The bowl games won't be announced until this Sunday.) So the Jayhawks still have life, even after what felt like death on Saturday. Which got me to thinking about all the possibilities of life after death.

**The Proof**

Just imagine if there actually is some sort of life after death. Your mind continues to function and you're set free from your physical body. You could do almost anything. With that in mind, it's really amazing there aren't more women's locker rooms being reported as haunted. Seriously, why do these ghosts seem to always pick the creepy looking houses that never seem to get their cobwebs dusted and have loose floorboards. It doesn't make any sense. And then there's this report of a ghost caught on a security camera at a gas station. You can actually SEE the ghost!!! Watch:
A gas station in Parma, OH?? This is where the spirit world steps in to warn us about the dangers of our foreign oil dependency? Or is it simply trying to scare us into more carpooling because of gas prices nearing the $3.50/gallon range? Regardless, this blue ghostly image has been captured still for 30 minutes at a time before flying off to the side...then it would "sit" on a car's windshield before flying up and out of the frame.

Is this blue image simply a reflection of light? A publicity stunt intending to sell more cigarettes and car washes? Or is it really a ghost caught on film? And if it IS a ghost, whose could it be? Who would choose to spend their eternity roaming the islands of a gas station in Ohio?

**Museums: Elvis Style**

My theory? It's the King of Rock 'n Roll himself: Elvis Presley. Everyone knows that Elvis faked his own death on the toilet and retired to live a secluded life away from all the press and stardom. Yet every now and then some lucky person would spot Elvis filling up the ole gas tank and maybe, just maybe, whistling "In the Ghetto". So, it's clear that Elvis hung around gas stations a lot after he faked his death....and now there's a blue ghostly form floating around a gas station. Coincidence?! I doubt it.

Of course, this might be a huge blow to Andy Key, who just recently purchased The Elvis is Alive Museum for $8,000.00 on ebay. That is a serious bargain: I mean, we're talking 5 am sales on the day after Thanksgiving bargain!! From The Elvis is Alive Museum website you can see the natural draw of this attraction (that was formerly located in a transformed coin-operated laundry):

"The [Elivis Is Alive] museum will continue to be the home to thousands of pages of FBI files showing Elvis' involvement with the FBI and DEA as an agent, the DNA sample analysis which proved the body in the coroner's report was that of a different man, handwriting and voiceprint files from 'The King' discovered after his supposed death, and hundreds of facts refuting the notion that Elvis Presley had departed from this world."

Seriously, they have DNA evidence?? This DNA stuff can get innocent people exonerated from death row AND prove that Elvis was still alive after his supposed death? I'm starting to become a believer!! Both in DNA and in ghostly shapes that hover around gas stations.

And once you become a believer, you realize that there's more to this life -- and death -- than just the little time that we're alotted here on Earth. There must be a God in command of it all. But there are just so many religions that it's near impossible to choose one, let alone the correct one. What to do?

**Museums: Creationist Style**

Well, a quick trip down to Petersburg, KY might help us figure all of that out. Here you can find the 60,000 square-foot Creation Museum. It's a museum dedicated to show all of the proof that God created the universe 6,000 years ago as the Bible clearly states, and not billions of years ago as the crazy and atheistic scientists would have you believe.

Finally!!!! There's a place dedicated to teaching the truth that dinosaurs and humans lived together peacefully in the Garden of Eden as God intended. They never had a problem with each other until Eve listened to that snake in the Tree of Knowledge and not only ate the fruit, but then also tempted Adam with it. Thus, the Fall of Man.

Can you imagine what a shock that must've been? One day Adam and Eve are frolicking around the Garden, riding on the backs of their pals, the T-Rex's ... and the next day they take a bite of some forbidden fruit, God boots them out of the Garden, and they're left to wonder why that friendly T-Rex with the sharp teeth is now trying to eat them.

I tell you now, the greatest invention of mankind wasn't electricity or the wheel or even fire. It was museums! These "buildings of knowledge" are testament to some of the greatest beliefs that we hold to be truths and are not limited to just providing the proof that Elvis Presley faked his own death, or that the theory of evolution is absurd if you just read your REAL history book: The Bible.

**A Brief History & The Ten Commandments (Both of Them)**

And this is why the Bible rocks! It gives us an accurate timeline of history, where after Adam finally took Eve and hid in a cave (one assumes) from all of the crazy-big animals that were suddenly trying to kill them, he started a family. Like you do. They had two sons: Cain and Able. (Much like that kid Michael Fay who was caned in Singapore back in 1994 for theft and vandalism -- he was caneable! *sigh*) Of course, Cain became a murderer and killed his brother. He was then branded with "The Mark of Cain" which is pretty ironic. (Kind of like Lou Gherig getting Lou Gherig's disease - what're the odds?!) This mark protected him from all of the other people in the world....even though there clearly weren't any other people in the world. Hello! He just killed his only brother.

But time passed on and God became pretty frustrated with what we sinners had done to His creation. (Just wait 'til He hears about global warming....someone is going to get a spanking!) So God decides to start over, causing a worldwide, global flood. But Noah and his family built an ark and loaded all of the world's animals (yep, dinosaurs too) onto the massive boat, sparing their lives while every other human being and animal were killed. Then, next step after the flood: some SERIOUS baby-making!! If ever the world needed some Barry White music, this was the time!

So the world starts to re-populate, which shouldn't have taken that long, especially since having sex with your cousin is now not only acceptable, but also encouraged...and unavoidable (ohhh, how Kentucky residents pine). And what happens next? Obviously we learned from our mistakes and instituted slavery in Egypt. Good thinking! But God busts in and says, "What's that noise?" ("Awh, God you're just jealous, it's the Beastie Boys!")1 (footnote)

So He sends Moses to free the slaves, and it's here that God FINALLY decides to make some rules. He gives Moses two stone tablets (God has big bubbly handwriting) with The Ten Commandments etched into them. All the rules you ever need to live by are right here. The Ten Commandments and the U.S. Constitution: God's greatest written achievements, bar none. Although I don't agree with this whole "Amendment" system that we have going on in America. If the Consitution needed an amendment, then God would have written it in there in the first place. You don't see the Ten Commandments adding amendments do you? (11th Commendment: Thou shalt not hide bags of heroin in your ass to sneak thru Customs??)

So there you have it. The Ten Commandments are God's laws for all eternity. And since the Roman Catholic Church speaks on behalf of God, it's only fitting that they - who are always right on top of the times - release their Ten Commandments of Driving...direct from the Vatican and clearly inspired by God Himself. (I'm not making this up.)

The "Drivers' Ten Commandments" as listed by the document are:

1. You shall not kill.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
10. Feel responsible toward others.

Of course, much like the original Ten Commandments, everyone is partial to different ones. Two of my favorites are:

#3: "Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforseen events." ...This is so true. In fact, I just had this same exact statement given to me out of a Chinese fortune cookie.

#5: "Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin." ...This one's going to be tough. They're saying that cars aren't supposed to be an expression of power and domination and an occasion of sin?? Isn't the Vatican still in Italy, the home of the Lamborghini?? So, just remember that this:

is not an expression of power and domination, and is most definitely never used as an occasion of sin.

The true shame is that we all know how the bleeding-heart liberals are going to react to this. First, they wanted the original 10 Commandments removed from our courthouses (simply because we have a whole policy of separation of Church and State), and now they're going to cry until we remove the Vatican's latest Commandments from our DMVs!

**Intelligent Design: God Created The Flying Spaghetti Monster**

Ok, at least now we know that there's definitely a God. If there's life after death (and I think that blue smudge floating around an Ohio gas station undoubtedly proves this) then there must be a God. And we know that God created the universe because it's been written down in a book called The Bible -- not to mention an entire Museum in Kentucky advocating it.

So, WHY I ask you is it so hard to teach Intelligent Design in our schools? What is Intelligent Design, you ask? Why it's science! Conservapedia.com's definition is:

"Intelligent design argues that life and other aspects of the physical universe are too complex to have come about through natural processes alone. In particular, the cell is too intricate to have come into being without having been designed. Thus various features of the universe and of living things are best explained by a designer and not by undirected processes."

Well that certainly makes sense! How can anyone disagree with that? For example, we all know that the world used to be flat. It took Christopher Columbus to sail his ships far enough into the horizon and not fall off the edge to change that. Up until then, the world was flat. Just like we all know that the Sun and all of the stars in the universe used to revolve around the Earth. This occurred throughout history until Galileo surmised that maybe it was actually the Earth that revolved around the Sun. When Galileo proposed this, two things happened: a) God changed the universe so that Galileo could be right, and b) the Catholic Church locked up Galileo under house arrest for proposing this.

So, doesn't it only make sense that an Intelligent Designer created the universe, because we don't understand all of it yet? I mean, the cell is pretty small and tough to conceptually grasp. So, until we can understand it completely, then it must have been Designed Intelligently by a Creator.

Of course, not everyone wants you to believe this simple truth. So, in 2005, at a debate in Kansas over whether or not Intelligent Design should be taught in schools

"An Oregon State physics graduate named Bobby Henderson stepped into the debate by sending a letter to the Kansas School Board. With tongue in cheek, he purported to speak for 10 million followers of a being called the Flying Spaghetti Monster -- and demanded equal time for their views.

'I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; one third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence,' Henderson sarcastically concluded."

I mean, come on. Does he really believe that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe?? Ok, sure, the evidence supporting it is equal to the amount of evidence supporting God, but here's the difference: The real God doesn't need to be smothered in marinara sauce in order to make him delicious!

Although, after worshipping the Flying Spaghetti Monster, life after death doesn't sound too bad, especially spending eternity in a giant bowl of pasta. Mmmmmmmm, that's delicious Deity!


1. From "Fight For Your Right" by the Beastie Boys album License to Ill, which still kicks major ass!

**Also, many thanks to Dave Byrd-Stadler for kidnapping, brainwashing and converting me into the fully supportive member of the Church of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism that I am today.

The Circle of Life

Ok, so the world itself might not (and I stress "might") be ending as I normally claim, but it is certainly getting closer to the end for me personally. With my birthday only 2 weeks away, it's apparent that my attempts at growing younger instead of older have failed. I suppose it should be a reason to celebrate though! Let's face it, 15 years ago if anyone was crazy enough to take the odds that I'd live to see 34, they are now SO BANK! But I guess I'm merely a tiny little link in the Circle of Life....

**1 Old Clam**

And while I promise/threaten Mrs. Shoes that I'm going to live to be at least 150 years old, I've still got a long way to go - and a lot of yogurt to eat - if I plan on surpassing Ming, the 405-year old clam. The article just linked goes on to say that the clam known as Ming was the oldest animal to have ever lived. Apparently they're not counting Methuselah, whom the Bible clearly says lived to be 969 years old. That's more than double the clam!! But Ming's age was verified much like a tree's, by counting the rings on its shell, and I guess since we weren't able to count Methuselah's torso rings, we'll have to give the award to Ming the clam. Sorry Meth!

To make matters worse, Ming will have to accept his/her (??) award posthumously.

"Unfortunately, by the time its true age had been established Ming was already dead."

I guess what surprises me is that the article uses the word "unfortunately." It was a clam!!!

Ming the Clam, in all its glory!

I cannot imagine a more boring life than to be a clam. Then, adding insult to injury, you make that boring life last for more than 400 years! Talk about cruel and unusual punishment. Ming should have at least been shown the proper decency to have ended up in my linguini sauce after its death.

Not only that, but Ming long ago lost the ability to reproduce. So for all of you people hoping to see crazy geezer clam-loving, I'm sorry to disappoint you:

"...the sexual capacity of the 405-year-old clam is described by the scientists as 'spent'."

**Babies: The Next Generation**

So, with the passing of Ming the clam, the circle of life closes. But that doesn't mean that human life cannot still reproduce to keep it all going. The proof lies in the fact that people I know are pregnant. So I need to give a shout-out to Reggie Newton and Our Man In L.A. as both of them not only have proof that they have had post-marital sex, but they are even now preparing to be fathers, as their better-halves are currently pregnant! Congratulations my friends!! I couldn't be happier for all of you!!!!

Not only that, but as of this past April, Mrs. Shoes and myself are the proud aunt and uncle (respectively) of two new neices. I mean, do you want proof that life goes on? Look at these two babies:

Shoes's sister Sandy, holding Olivia "Slappy" Santiago

...and...

Chloe Eyrich, sitting tall

Of course, let's get one thing straight: babies are here to replace us! If you still don't think that's true and that their main goals aren't forcing us into retirement, taking away our driving privelages, and then saying "Oops, there's no more social security money left...my bad," then think again!! I mean take a closer look at Chloe: Those pudgy cheeks made for pinching...squinty eyes...silly grin on her face... If she's not priming herself to take the spot of Don Rickles then I guess no one is.

Don Rickles? Chloe Eyrich? You make the call.

**All Sorts of Parting Gifts...**

Well, if babies are here to take over for us (or take us over), and there's nothing we can do to stop it, then I guess we ought to greet them with gifts, whether it be for birthdays, Hannukah, Christmas, Festivus, whatever.

And since we're talking about new babies, then we're also talking about new mothers. So for all you new mothers or mothers-to-be, let me suggest the best "two-birds-with-one-stone" gift idea: Follow in the steps of 22-year old Martha Heller of Tiffin, IA and Sell Your Breast Milk! When Heller's baby started to refuse her bottles, Martha had an overflow of breast milk that she had been pumping. Not wanting it to go to waste, she took an ad out in the newspaper trying to sell 100 oz. of her breast milk. Genius! This idea is perfect on so many levels:

*New mother? Need some extra cash? Sell your breast milk!

*Your friend just had a baby and you don't know what kind of gift to give? Give the milk o' the breast. It works as a gift for the baby or the mom! Plus it lasts for up to six months in the freezer. Talk about win-win!

Now that the baby is properly fed and well-nutritioned, you need to start looking out for the baby's financial future. Between college funds and Xbox 360s, the cost is going to be enormous. So make sure that your child learns the benefits of saving money. You know what, though.... I don't think just teaching them the benefits is enough. There needs to be a real sense of fear for not saving. So let me suggest the exploding piggy bank from TOMY Co., Ltd.
The object here is to teach a child that they need to continue saving money. If the child forgets to add money to the bank, it explodes! This is fantastic.

"The battery-powered toy -- designed as a cartoon-style, ball-shaped black bomb with a skull and crossbones logo -- lights up, makes a noise, shakes violently and scatters coins if it is not topped up for a long time.

"'Users must pick up and collect the scattered coins and reflect on their laziness,' the Japanese company said."

Having children reflect on their laziness? I just don't think we have enough of that in America, and our kids are wicked lazy!! Come on, nap-time in kindergarten? I'm sorry, but if you need a nap during school hours then you probably shouldn't have gotten all hopped up on breast milk the night before....and I don't care if it was a gift!

So why not start teaching our children about science and biology at an early age? Haven't we exhausted ourselves from giving toy trains and books and stuffed animals of giraffes, tigers, bears and other ferocious animals? We're only teaching our children that lions are cute and snuggly, and if your kid ever gets lost on an Afircan safari they're going to wander into a lion's den and try taking a nap with mama. I wonder how that will turn out. Let's just say that The Jungle Book was extreeeeeeemely optimistic.
**NOT what your child will experience if left alone on an African safari**

So why not give your child the gift of syphilis instead? Or maybe rabies or black death? Sounds good right? Especially when it's just a stuffed animal version of the diseases. What a great concept! GIANTmicrobes toys have designed all of your favorite disease strains in furry, cuddly forms!

"The company has taken microscope images of viruses and turned them into larger than life -- much much larger thankfully -- soft toys.

"Included in cuddly collection are dust mites, bedbugs, lice, sore throats (streptococcus), ear ache (S. pneumoniae) stomach ache (shigella), stomach ulcer, athlete's foot, bad breath (gingivalis), acne, rabies, black death and mad cow disease."

I mean, who wouldn't want their young child curling up for the night with a furry, overblown case of gonorrhea? Talk about getting a good night's sleep!

Ok, maybe not everyone is comfortable giving a small child a stuffed animal shaped like mad cow disease. If that's the case, then there's always the Chinese-made Aqua Dots bead toys. They were named Australia's "Toy of the Year" so that must mean they are either superbly crafted toys...or made of beer. Well, if you guessed "made of beer" you were a lot closer to the right answer. In fact,

"Scientists have found the popular toy's coating contains a chemical that, once metabolized, converts into the toxic 'date rape' drug GHB, or gamma-hydroxy butyrate, U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission spokesman Scott Wolfson told CNN."

Wow! Talk about letting one slip thru customs! A toy that turns into the date-rape drug??? Although let's be honest here. What are the odds that a baby or a young child is going to stick one of its toys into their mouth? Babies play with toys, they don't eat them. (Now taking bets into whether or not Shoes has any children of his own...)

Come to think of it, maybe those Aqua Dots aren't really a suitable children's toy after all. Perhaps they're better targeted for the college-aged student who doesn't know what to get for the girl in his Psych 101 class that is really hot, but has never looked at him all semester, even though she would probably totally like him if she only gave him a chance. Maybe if he saw her at a party and was able to just give/slip her a children's toy like Aqua Dots then she would really relax around him long enough to talk to him, mellow out, setup a Psych study-group...and most likely conceive his child. Now THAT'S a gift!

But I suppose for you traditionalists out there, I can offer a final suggestion of getting your child one of Russ Berrie & Co.'s Shining Star stuffed animals. You can purchase a stuffed bunny, owl, penguin, panda, lion, etc. And the best part about this gift:

"With every RUSS Shining Stars friend comes the opportunity to register and name your star with the International Star Registry."

That's right! Now we're giving almost every kid with a stuffed penguin the opportunity to name the stars in our galaxy. I don't see any downside to this.

Granted, at some point in the future, whether it's 50 years from now or 500, we're going to contact life in another part of the galaxy. That Circle of Life is going to extend beyond just this planet. One day we may even be able to meet the alien life face-to (I'm assuming)-face and communicate with them. And when we do, we'll know exactly which star their planet orbits around. It might be Alpha Centauri or some scientifically-named star like V1216 Sgr. What I love about the Shining Star gift idea is that it opens up the possibility of us encountering another lifeform in the galaxy and having to say:

"Greetings! We are from the planet Earth. You are from a planet that orbits the star that we have come to know as (checks the notes) Poopyhead."

Yeah, we'd be off to a great start!