The Circle of Life

Ok, so the world itself might not (and I stress "might") be ending as I normally claim, but it is certainly getting closer to the end for me personally. With my birthday only 2 weeks away, it's apparent that my attempts at growing younger instead of older have failed. I suppose it should be a reason to celebrate though! Let's face it, 15 years ago if anyone was crazy enough to take the odds that I'd live to see 34, they are now SO BANK! But I guess I'm merely a tiny little link in the Circle of Life....

**1 Old Clam**

And while I promise/threaten Mrs. Shoes that I'm going to live to be at least 150 years old, I've still got a long way to go - and a lot of yogurt to eat - if I plan on surpassing Ming, the 405-year old clam. The article just linked goes on to say that the clam known as Ming was the oldest animal to have ever lived. Apparently they're not counting Methuselah, whom the Bible clearly says lived to be 969 years old. That's more than double the clam!! But Ming's age was verified much like a tree's, by counting the rings on its shell, and I guess since we weren't able to count Methuselah's torso rings, we'll have to give the award to Ming the clam. Sorry Meth!

To make matters worse, Ming will have to accept his/her (??) award posthumously.

"Unfortunately, by the time its true age had been established Ming was already dead."

I guess what surprises me is that the article uses the word "unfortunately." It was a clam!!!

Ming the Clam, in all its glory!

I cannot imagine a more boring life than to be a clam. Then, adding insult to injury, you make that boring life last for more than 400 years! Talk about cruel and unusual punishment. Ming should have at least been shown the proper decency to have ended up in my linguini sauce after its death.

Not only that, but Ming long ago lost the ability to reproduce. So for all of you people hoping to see crazy geezer clam-loving, I'm sorry to disappoint you:

"...the sexual capacity of the 405-year-old clam is described by the scientists as 'spent'."

**Babies: The Next Generation**

So, with the passing of Ming the clam, the circle of life closes. But that doesn't mean that human life cannot still reproduce to keep it all going. The proof lies in the fact that people I know are pregnant. So I need to give a shout-out to Reggie Newton and Our Man In L.A. as both of them not only have proof that they have had post-marital sex, but they are even now preparing to be fathers, as their better-halves are currently pregnant! Congratulations my friends!! I couldn't be happier for all of you!!!!

Not only that, but as of this past April, Mrs. Shoes and myself are the proud aunt and uncle (respectively) of two new neices. I mean, do you want proof that life goes on? Look at these two babies:

Shoes's sister Sandy, holding Olivia "Slappy" Santiago

...and...

Chloe Eyrich, sitting tall

Of course, let's get one thing straight: babies are here to replace us! If you still don't think that's true and that their main goals aren't forcing us into retirement, taking away our driving privelages, and then saying "Oops, there's no more social security money left...my bad," then think again!! I mean take a closer look at Chloe: Those pudgy cheeks made for pinching...squinty eyes...silly grin on her face... If she's not priming herself to take the spot of Don Rickles then I guess no one is.

Don Rickles? Chloe Eyrich? You make the call.

**All Sorts of Parting Gifts...**

Well, if babies are here to take over for us (or take us over), and there's nothing we can do to stop it, then I guess we ought to greet them with gifts, whether it be for birthdays, Hannukah, Christmas, Festivus, whatever.

And since we're talking about new babies, then we're also talking about new mothers. So for all you new mothers or mothers-to-be, let me suggest the best "two-birds-with-one-stone" gift idea: Follow in the steps of 22-year old Martha Heller of Tiffin, IA and Sell Your Breast Milk! When Heller's baby started to refuse her bottles, Martha had an overflow of breast milk that she had been pumping. Not wanting it to go to waste, she took an ad out in the newspaper trying to sell 100 oz. of her breast milk. Genius! This idea is perfect on so many levels:

*New mother? Need some extra cash? Sell your breast milk!

*Your friend just had a baby and you don't know what kind of gift to give? Give the milk o' the breast. It works as a gift for the baby or the mom! Plus it lasts for up to six months in the freezer. Talk about win-win!

Now that the baby is properly fed and well-nutritioned, you need to start looking out for the baby's financial future. Between college funds and Xbox 360s, the cost is going to be enormous. So make sure that your child learns the benefits of saving money. You know what, though.... I don't think just teaching them the benefits is enough. There needs to be a real sense of fear for not saving. So let me suggest the exploding piggy bank from TOMY Co., Ltd.
The object here is to teach a child that they need to continue saving money. If the child forgets to add money to the bank, it explodes! This is fantastic.

"The battery-powered toy -- designed as a cartoon-style, ball-shaped black bomb with a skull and crossbones logo -- lights up, makes a noise, shakes violently and scatters coins if it is not topped up for a long time.

"'Users must pick up and collect the scattered coins and reflect on their laziness,' the Japanese company said."

Having children reflect on their laziness? I just don't think we have enough of that in America, and our kids are wicked lazy!! Come on, nap-time in kindergarten? I'm sorry, but if you need a nap during school hours then you probably shouldn't have gotten all hopped up on breast milk the night before....and I don't care if it was a gift!

So why not start teaching our children about science and biology at an early age? Haven't we exhausted ourselves from giving toy trains and books and stuffed animals of giraffes, tigers, bears and other ferocious animals? We're only teaching our children that lions are cute and snuggly, and if your kid ever gets lost on an Afircan safari they're going to wander into a lion's den and try taking a nap with mama. I wonder how that will turn out. Let's just say that The Jungle Book was extreeeeeeemely optimistic.
**NOT what your child will experience if left alone on an African safari**

So why not give your child the gift of syphilis instead? Or maybe rabies or black death? Sounds good right? Especially when it's just a stuffed animal version of the diseases. What a great concept! GIANTmicrobes toys have designed all of your favorite disease strains in furry, cuddly forms!

"The company has taken microscope images of viruses and turned them into larger than life -- much much larger thankfully -- soft toys.

"Included in cuddly collection are dust mites, bedbugs, lice, sore throats (streptococcus), ear ache (S. pneumoniae) stomach ache (shigella), stomach ulcer, athlete's foot, bad breath (gingivalis), acne, rabies, black death and mad cow disease."

I mean, who wouldn't want their young child curling up for the night with a furry, overblown case of gonorrhea? Talk about getting a good night's sleep!

Ok, maybe not everyone is comfortable giving a small child a stuffed animal shaped like mad cow disease. If that's the case, then there's always the Chinese-made Aqua Dots bead toys. They were named Australia's "Toy of the Year" so that must mean they are either superbly crafted toys...or made of beer. Well, if you guessed "made of beer" you were a lot closer to the right answer. In fact,

"Scientists have found the popular toy's coating contains a chemical that, once metabolized, converts into the toxic 'date rape' drug GHB, or gamma-hydroxy butyrate, U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission spokesman Scott Wolfson told CNN."

Wow! Talk about letting one slip thru customs! A toy that turns into the date-rape drug??? Although let's be honest here. What are the odds that a baby or a young child is going to stick one of its toys into their mouth? Babies play with toys, they don't eat them. (Now taking bets into whether or not Shoes has any children of his own...)

Come to think of it, maybe those Aqua Dots aren't really a suitable children's toy after all. Perhaps they're better targeted for the college-aged student who doesn't know what to get for the girl in his Psych 101 class that is really hot, but has never looked at him all semester, even though she would probably totally like him if she only gave him a chance. Maybe if he saw her at a party and was able to just give/slip her a children's toy like Aqua Dots then she would really relax around him long enough to talk to him, mellow out, setup a Psych study-group...and most likely conceive his child. Now THAT'S a gift!

But I suppose for you traditionalists out there, I can offer a final suggestion of getting your child one of Russ Berrie & Co.'s Shining Star stuffed animals. You can purchase a stuffed bunny, owl, penguin, panda, lion, etc. And the best part about this gift:

"With every RUSS Shining Stars friend comes the opportunity to register and name your star with the International Star Registry."

That's right! Now we're giving almost every kid with a stuffed penguin the opportunity to name the stars in our galaxy. I don't see any downside to this.

Granted, at some point in the future, whether it's 50 years from now or 500, we're going to contact life in another part of the galaxy. That Circle of Life is going to extend beyond just this planet. One day we may even be able to meet the alien life face-to (I'm assuming)-face and communicate with them. And when we do, we'll know exactly which star their planet orbits around. It might be Alpha Centauri or some scientifically-named star like V1216 Sgr. What I love about the Shining Star gift idea is that it opens up the possibility of us encountering another lifeform in the galaxy and having to say:

"Greetings! We are from the planet Earth. You are from a planet that orbits the star that we have come to know as (checks the notes) Poopyhead."

Yeah, we'd be off to a great start!