God in the News...Happy Holidays!!!

Well, my posts have been few and far between lately. I don't have a good excuse, other than I've been in training quite a bit for my new part-time job as a bartender in Schaumburg. That's right: Shoes is serving people drinks just as God intended me to do.

**God in the Food**

And speaking of God, the Almighty has been making the news quite a bit lately. Maybe it's because His son's birthday is coming up later this month? And by the way, I've seen Jesus's picture appear on a piece of toast recently and He looks fabulous for being two thousand and seven years old, butter-spread mustache or not.
And, it's not like this ISN'T a bonafide miracle. I mean, if you were an all-powerful being that created the universe, wouldn't you prepare for your Second Coming by having your face appear on pieces of toasted bread in a random Tennessee kitchen? Yeah, me too!

**God in the Polls**

In the meantime, before the anticipated Second Coming, God's popularity is remaining strong and steady here in the United States. True, God might not be popular enough to win on American Idol (and I'd hate to hear Simon Cowell's comments on God not being able to hit a falsetto note), but in the hearts and minds of American citizens He remains on top.

In fact, a recent Harris poll shows that more Americans believe in a literal Hell and the devil than Charles Darwin's theory of evolution.

"The poll of 2,455 U.S. adults from Nov 7 to 13 [2007] found that 82 percent of those surveyed believed in God, a figure unchanged since the question was asked in 2005."

The 82% mark is encouraging, but the number that really scares me (other than 666) is that only 62% believe in an actual Hell and the Devil. How can 20% of these people believe in one and not the other? Apparently Satan needs to make some more public appearances on food items, rather than the glaringly obvious self-portraits he left in the 1/2-second of billowing smoke on 9/11: Hello, you 20% of Devil-doubters: Just look at the facts of that photo!

Regardless, at least the truth is getting out there that Charles Darwin's theory of evolution (or more accurately, Natural Selection) is just that: a theory provided by an atheistic and Godless scientist who based his entire theory upon tons of research and scientific data. Like that should be any basis for a theory! So congratulations US citizens: Only 42% of those surveyed said they believed in Darwin's theory. And while that's good, it's still not great. I'm disappointed that more people still believe in evolution than in UFOs (35%) and witches (31%). It goes to show that we've still got some work to do in order to get Intelligent Design (see my previous post) taught to our young children in school. Otherwise Flying Spaghetti Monsterism very well might become the most popular religion, because let's face it: spaghetti is a lot more delicious than dry toast!

**God in the Schools**

And while our fight to have Intelligent Design (the theory of If-You-Can't-Yet-Explain-It-Scientifically-Then-It-Must-Be-God...or the Theory of Default) taught in our schools is still ongoing, at least one of our Catholic nuns is doing the right thing in her classrooms.

"[Sister Kathy Avery in Michigan], the principal of St. Clare of Montefalco Catholic School, had students stay after a Mass last month and informed the fifth- through eighth-graders that she has a zero-tolerance policy for cursing.

"Just in case anyone wasn't sure what she was talking about, Avery read off a list of the very words and phrases that she was banning."

Now, Sistery Avery, I'm sure you did a valiant job of reading off the curse words while trying to teach the children a valuable lesson, but you can't just preach the old "Do as I say, not as I do" line here...mainly because you DON'T want them to do as you say. You probably could have had a much more lasting effect if you had just tried to reach the children through song, rather than merely reading all the curse words off of a list. Well here, I found a training video for you to watch. This should help:



And while our children might or might not be learning the harsh lessons of cursing, at least one young man in Indianapolis is diligently doing his part to obey 2 of the 10 Commandments: Honor thy Father and Mother, and Honor the Sabbath Day to Keep It Holy.

18-year old Justin T. Veal was jailed on a felony robbery charge after being arrested for holding up a liquor store. However, being the good Christian boy that he is, he told detectives that while he did hold up around a dozen different businesses so that he could have "money to fix his car, to buy jewelry, [and] to keep up with everyone else" Veal never performed a robbery on a Sunday because he and his mother attended church every Sunday.

Even after committing a robbery Veal said he always made sure he was home by 1:30 a.m. to meet his mother's curfew. He told a local television station, "Curfew is 1:30. Her rules, her house. Make it in by 1:30."

It's just nice to finally see a story that illustrates the positive effects of going to church and obeying your mother. Who knows what mischief he might have otherwise gotten into?

**God in the Consumer Market**

One day our children will grow up. Today's youth in America will become its strength and power. In order for the United States to remain the Modern-Day-Rome (albeit with less orgies that I know of), our children will have to be extremely business savvy, all the while keeping with their religious beliefs. So why not combine both? Who says God can't turn a buck or two? I mean, have you even seen the Vatican?

And if the Catholics know how to make a profit (the jury's still out on that) then why not join the ever-growing trend of bottled water? Better yet: Bottled Holy Water!!

"Holy Drinking Water, produced by a California-based company called Wayne Enterprises, is blessed in the warehouse by an Anglican or Roman Catholic priest (after a thorough background check). Like a crucifix or a rosary, a bottle of Holy Drinking Water is a daily reminder to be kind to others, says Brian Germann, Wayne's CEO."

Finally, we can use Holy Water for something other than killing vampires and demons. Instead, we can use it as God intended: to baptize people!! So, I'm calling on everyone right now to purchase as much of this bottled Holy Water as you can. Then go out into your communities and randomly sprinkle some of the Holy Water on the heads of strangers, thereby baptising them. Forced cleansing of sins is better than no cleansing of sins! And if someone actually gets upset at you for dousing them with water, I suggest you also carry around some bread and wine and offer it to them to settle their nerves. Kill two sacraments with one stone!

**The Truth??**

The truth is a hard thing to know, I'll give you that much. With all sorts of religions out there, it's tough to figure out which one is actually teaching us the truth. Does God have 8 arms and an elephant trunk like Hindus believe? Can God make it so a man can live inside the stomach of a fish for 3 days, and then walk out of the fish's mouth as if he were on a ferry ride to Nantucket Island, as the believers in the Old Testament attest to? Or did life actually begin on another planet and get transfered here as Scientologists believe? And how about our friend the Pasta God? Is God just naturally that delicious or does He need grated parmesan to become so?

With all the choices I just don't know what to believe, but I'm starting to think that the Scientologists are on to something. Here's a little intro to their doctrine (for real) and if this doesn't get you pumped up about God being in the news, then I don't know what will:



I don't understand why more people aren't buying into this. It seems perfectly rational to me.

**God in the Holidays**

Notice I didn't say Merry Christmas. Or Happy Hannuka. Or Happy New Year. Well, this is because these are ALL separate holidays that are pretty much celebrated throughout the entire month of December. This is why it's called the Holiday Season.

However, I still think Bill O'Reilly makes a good argument when he says that there is a War On Christmas. He's worried that the "secular progressives" (that catchy term he invented and desperately tries to get people to use) are out to destroy the values and traditions of Christmas. And he's right! We simply cannot allow people to take away all the Christian values of a fat, bearded man in a red and white suit that rides in a sleigh pulled by flying deer, breaking and entering into almost every single house on the planet over the course of a single night, delivering presents.

Saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" is a flat-out declaration of war on that religious belief, and it's a fight that I'm glad Bill O'Reilly is at the forefront of. He's a true soldier of God....and of Santa Claus.

Another thing I'm not a fan of: taking advantage of the time-honored tradition of gift-giving. Part of the strategy of a War On Christmas is trying to prevent that giving spirit, and I'm against it. That's why I cringe when I hear stories like this one, where a man was pulled over for speeding in Oregon, and then arrested for transporting 2 pounds of marijuana in the car with him. The pot was wrapped in a box like a Christmas present. This is just wrong and against the spirit of Christmas that this man was arrested! Because right now there's another man with a serious case of glaucoma and a stocking stuffed with pizza-flavored combos that is really missing his Christmas pot. And what's he going to do now with the wrapped box of $2500.00 in cash that was going to be his own Christmas gift in return? It's a sad state of affairs.

Happy Holidays everyone!

The Circle of Life...After Death (Flying Spaghetti Monsterism Style!!)

Adam is created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Leonardo Da Vinci's masterpiece
************************************

The world is ending...blah blah blah... It certainly felt that way Saturday night after the #2 Jayhawks lost to - of all teams - Mizzou, giving Kansas its first loss of the season and ending hopes of a national title in football. But ________ Bowl here we come!! (The bowl games won't be announced until this Sunday.) So the Jayhawks still have life, even after what felt like death on Saturday. Which got me to thinking about all the possibilities of life after death.

**The Proof**

Just imagine if there actually is some sort of life after death. Your mind continues to function and you're set free from your physical body. You could do almost anything. With that in mind, it's really amazing there aren't more women's locker rooms being reported as haunted. Seriously, why do these ghosts seem to always pick the creepy looking houses that never seem to get their cobwebs dusted and have loose floorboards. It doesn't make any sense. And then there's this report of a ghost caught on a security camera at a gas station. You can actually SEE the ghost!!! Watch:
A gas station in Parma, OH?? This is where the spirit world steps in to warn us about the dangers of our foreign oil dependency? Or is it simply trying to scare us into more carpooling because of gas prices nearing the $3.50/gallon range? Regardless, this blue ghostly image has been captured still for 30 minutes at a time before flying off to the side...then it would "sit" on a car's windshield before flying up and out of the frame.

Is this blue image simply a reflection of light? A publicity stunt intending to sell more cigarettes and car washes? Or is it really a ghost caught on film? And if it IS a ghost, whose could it be? Who would choose to spend their eternity roaming the islands of a gas station in Ohio?

**Museums: Elvis Style**

My theory? It's the King of Rock 'n Roll himself: Elvis Presley. Everyone knows that Elvis faked his own death on the toilet and retired to live a secluded life away from all the press and stardom. Yet every now and then some lucky person would spot Elvis filling up the ole gas tank and maybe, just maybe, whistling "In the Ghetto". So, it's clear that Elvis hung around gas stations a lot after he faked his death....and now there's a blue ghostly form floating around a gas station. Coincidence?! I doubt it.

Of course, this might be a huge blow to Andy Key, who just recently purchased The Elvis is Alive Museum for $8,000.00 on ebay. That is a serious bargain: I mean, we're talking 5 am sales on the day after Thanksgiving bargain!! From The Elvis is Alive Museum website you can see the natural draw of this attraction (that was formerly located in a transformed coin-operated laundry):

"The [Elivis Is Alive] museum will continue to be the home to thousands of pages of FBI files showing Elvis' involvement with the FBI and DEA as an agent, the DNA sample analysis which proved the body in the coroner's report was that of a different man, handwriting and voiceprint files from 'The King' discovered after his supposed death, and hundreds of facts refuting the notion that Elvis Presley had departed from this world."

Seriously, they have DNA evidence?? This DNA stuff can get innocent people exonerated from death row AND prove that Elvis was still alive after his supposed death? I'm starting to become a believer!! Both in DNA and in ghostly shapes that hover around gas stations.

And once you become a believer, you realize that there's more to this life -- and death -- than just the little time that we're alotted here on Earth. There must be a God in command of it all. But there are just so many religions that it's near impossible to choose one, let alone the correct one. What to do?

**Museums: Creationist Style**

Well, a quick trip down to Petersburg, KY might help us figure all of that out. Here you can find the 60,000 square-foot Creation Museum. It's a museum dedicated to show all of the proof that God created the universe 6,000 years ago as the Bible clearly states, and not billions of years ago as the crazy and atheistic scientists would have you believe.

Finally!!!! There's a place dedicated to teaching the truth that dinosaurs and humans lived together peacefully in the Garden of Eden as God intended. They never had a problem with each other until Eve listened to that snake in the Tree of Knowledge and not only ate the fruit, but then also tempted Adam with it. Thus, the Fall of Man.

Can you imagine what a shock that must've been? One day Adam and Eve are frolicking around the Garden, riding on the backs of their pals, the T-Rex's ... and the next day they take a bite of some forbidden fruit, God boots them out of the Garden, and they're left to wonder why that friendly T-Rex with the sharp teeth is now trying to eat them.

I tell you now, the greatest invention of mankind wasn't electricity or the wheel or even fire. It was museums! These "buildings of knowledge" are testament to some of the greatest beliefs that we hold to be truths and are not limited to just providing the proof that Elvis Presley faked his own death, or that the theory of evolution is absurd if you just read your REAL history book: The Bible.

**A Brief History & The Ten Commandments (Both of Them)**

And this is why the Bible rocks! It gives us an accurate timeline of history, where after Adam finally took Eve and hid in a cave (one assumes) from all of the crazy-big animals that were suddenly trying to kill them, he started a family. Like you do. They had two sons: Cain and Able. (Much like that kid Michael Fay who was caned in Singapore back in 1994 for theft and vandalism -- he was caneable! *sigh*) Of course, Cain became a murderer and killed his brother. He was then branded with "The Mark of Cain" which is pretty ironic. (Kind of like Lou Gherig getting Lou Gherig's disease - what're the odds?!) This mark protected him from all of the other people in the world....even though there clearly weren't any other people in the world. Hello! He just killed his only brother.

But time passed on and God became pretty frustrated with what we sinners had done to His creation. (Just wait 'til He hears about global warming....someone is going to get a spanking!) So God decides to start over, causing a worldwide, global flood. But Noah and his family built an ark and loaded all of the world's animals (yep, dinosaurs too) onto the massive boat, sparing their lives while every other human being and animal were killed. Then, next step after the flood: some SERIOUS baby-making!! If ever the world needed some Barry White music, this was the time!

So the world starts to re-populate, which shouldn't have taken that long, especially since having sex with your cousin is now not only acceptable, but also encouraged...and unavoidable (ohhh, how Kentucky residents pine). And what happens next? Obviously we learned from our mistakes and instituted slavery in Egypt. Good thinking! But God busts in and says, "What's that noise?" ("Awh, God you're just jealous, it's the Beastie Boys!")1 (footnote)

So He sends Moses to free the slaves, and it's here that God FINALLY decides to make some rules. He gives Moses two stone tablets (God has big bubbly handwriting) with The Ten Commandments etched into them. All the rules you ever need to live by are right here. The Ten Commandments and the U.S. Constitution: God's greatest written achievements, bar none. Although I don't agree with this whole "Amendment" system that we have going on in America. If the Consitution needed an amendment, then God would have written it in there in the first place. You don't see the Ten Commandments adding amendments do you? (11th Commendment: Thou shalt not hide bags of heroin in your ass to sneak thru Customs??)

So there you have it. The Ten Commandments are God's laws for all eternity. And since the Roman Catholic Church speaks on behalf of God, it's only fitting that they - who are always right on top of the times - release their Ten Commandments of Driving...direct from the Vatican and clearly inspired by God Himself. (I'm not making this up.)

The "Drivers' Ten Commandments" as listed by the document are:

1. You shall not kill.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
10. Feel responsible toward others.

Of course, much like the original Ten Commandments, everyone is partial to different ones. Two of my favorites are:

#3: "Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforseen events." ...This is so true. In fact, I just had this same exact statement given to me out of a Chinese fortune cookie.

#5: "Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin." ...This one's going to be tough. They're saying that cars aren't supposed to be an expression of power and domination and an occasion of sin?? Isn't the Vatican still in Italy, the home of the Lamborghini?? So, just remember that this:

is not an expression of power and domination, and is most definitely never used as an occasion of sin.

The true shame is that we all know how the bleeding-heart liberals are going to react to this. First, they wanted the original 10 Commandments removed from our courthouses (simply because we have a whole policy of separation of Church and State), and now they're going to cry until we remove the Vatican's latest Commandments from our DMVs!

**Intelligent Design: God Created The Flying Spaghetti Monster**

Ok, at least now we know that there's definitely a God. If there's life after death (and I think that blue smudge floating around an Ohio gas station undoubtedly proves this) then there must be a God. And we know that God created the universe because it's been written down in a book called The Bible -- not to mention an entire Museum in Kentucky advocating it.

So, WHY I ask you is it so hard to teach Intelligent Design in our schools? What is Intelligent Design, you ask? Why it's science! Conservapedia.com's definition is:

"Intelligent design argues that life and other aspects of the physical universe are too complex to have come about through natural processes alone. In particular, the cell is too intricate to have come into being without having been designed. Thus various features of the universe and of living things are best explained by a designer and not by undirected processes."

Well that certainly makes sense! How can anyone disagree with that? For example, we all know that the world used to be flat. It took Christopher Columbus to sail his ships far enough into the horizon and not fall off the edge to change that. Up until then, the world was flat. Just like we all know that the Sun and all of the stars in the universe used to revolve around the Earth. This occurred throughout history until Galileo surmised that maybe it was actually the Earth that revolved around the Sun. When Galileo proposed this, two things happened: a) God changed the universe so that Galileo could be right, and b) the Catholic Church locked up Galileo under house arrest for proposing this.

So, doesn't it only make sense that an Intelligent Designer created the universe, because we don't understand all of it yet? I mean, the cell is pretty small and tough to conceptually grasp. So, until we can understand it completely, then it must have been Designed Intelligently by a Creator.

Of course, not everyone wants you to believe this simple truth. So, in 2005, at a debate in Kansas over whether or not Intelligent Design should be taught in schools

"An Oregon State physics graduate named Bobby Henderson stepped into the debate by sending a letter to the Kansas School Board. With tongue in cheek, he purported to speak for 10 million followers of a being called the Flying Spaghetti Monster -- and demanded equal time for their views.

'I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; one third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence,' Henderson sarcastically concluded."

I mean, come on. Does he really believe that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe?? Ok, sure, the evidence supporting it is equal to the amount of evidence supporting God, but here's the difference: The real God doesn't need to be smothered in marinara sauce in order to make him delicious!

Although, after worshipping the Flying Spaghetti Monster, life after death doesn't sound too bad, especially spending eternity in a giant bowl of pasta. Mmmmmmmm, that's delicious Deity!


1. From "Fight For Your Right" by the Beastie Boys album License to Ill, which still kicks major ass!

**Also, many thanks to Dave Byrd-Stadler for kidnapping, brainwashing and converting me into the fully supportive member of the Church of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism that I am today.

The Circle of Life

Ok, so the world itself might not (and I stress "might") be ending as I normally claim, but it is certainly getting closer to the end for me personally. With my birthday only 2 weeks away, it's apparent that my attempts at growing younger instead of older have failed. I suppose it should be a reason to celebrate though! Let's face it, 15 years ago if anyone was crazy enough to take the odds that I'd live to see 34, they are now SO BANK! But I guess I'm merely a tiny little link in the Circle of Life....

**1 Old Clam**

And while I promise/threaten Mrs. Shoes that I'm going to live to be at least 150 years old, I've still got a long way to go - and a lot of yogurt to eat - if I plan on surpassing Ming, the 405-year old clam. The article just linked goes on to say that the clam known as Ming was the oldest animal to have ever lived. Apparently they're not counting Methuselah, whom the Bible clearly says lived to be 969 years old. That's more than double the clam!! But Ming's age was verified much like a tree's, by counting the rings on its shell, and I guess since we weren't able to count Methuselah's torso rings, we'll have to give the award to Ming the clam. Sorry Meth!

To make matters worse, Ming will have to accept his/her (??) award posthumously.

"Unfortunately, by the time its true age had been established Ming was already dead."

I guess what surprises me is that the article uses the word "unfortunately." It was a clam!!!

Ming the Clam, in all its glory!

I cannot imagine a more boring life than to be a clam. Then, adding insult to injury, you make that boring life last for more than 400 years! Talk about cruel and unusual punishment. Ming should have at least been shown the proper decency to have ended up in my linguini sauce after its death.

Not only that, but Ming long ago lost the ability to reproduce. So for all of you people hoping to see crazy geezer clam-loving, I'm sorry to disappoint you:

"...the sexual capacity of the 405-year-old clam is described by the scientists as 'spent'."

**Babies: The Next Generation**

So, with the passing of Ming the clam, the circle of life closes. But that doesn't mean that human life cannot still reproduce to keep it all going. The proof lies in the fact that people I know are pregnant. So I need to give a shout-out to Reggie Newton and Our Man In L.A. as both of them not only have proof that they have had post-marital sex, but they are even now preparing to be fathers, as their better-halves are currently pregnant! Congratulations my friends!! I couldn't be happier for all of you!!!!

Not only that, but as of this past April, Mrs. Shoes and myself are the proud aunt and uncle (respectively) of two new neices. I mean, do you want proof that life goes on? Look at these two babies:

Shoes's sister Sandy, holding Olivia "Slappy" Santiago

...and...

Chloe Eyrich, sitting tall

Of course, let's get one thing straight: babies are here to replace us! If you still don't think that's true and that their main goals aren't forcing us into retirement, taking away our driving privelages, and then saying "Oops, there's no more social security money left...my bad," then think again!! I mean take a closer look at Chloe: Those pudgy cheeks made for pinching...squinty eyes...silly grin on her face... If she's not priming herself to take the spot of Don Rickles then I guess no one is.

Don Rickles? Chloe Eyrich? You make the call.

**All Sorts of Parting Gifts...**

Well, if babies are here to take over for us (or take us over), and there's nothing we can do to stop it, then I guess we ought to greet them with gifts, whether it be for birthdays, Hannukah, Christmas, Festivus, whatever.

And since we're talking about new babies, then we're also talking about new mothers. So for all you new mothers or mothers-to-be, let me suggest the best "two-birds-with-one-stone" gift idea: Follow in the steps of 22-year old Martha Heller of Tiffin, IA and Sell Your Breast Milk! When Heller's baby started to refuse her bottles, Martha had an overflow of breast milk that she had been pumping. Not wanting it to go to waste, she took an ad out in the newspaper trying to sell 100 oz. of her breast milk. Genius! This idea is perfect on so many levels:

*New mother? Need some extra cash? Sell your breast milk!

*Your friend just had a baby and you don't know what kind of gift to give? Give the milk o' the breast. It works as a gift for the baby or the mom! Plus it lasts for up to six months in the freezer. Talk about win-win!

Now that the baby is properly fed and well-nutritioned, you need to start looking out for the baby's financial future. Between college funds and Xbox 360s, the cost is going to be enormous. So make sure that your child learns the benefits of saving money. You know what, though.... I don't think just teaching them the benefits is enough. There needs to be a real sense of fear for not saving. So let me suggest the exploding piggy bank from TOMY Co., Ltd.
The object here is to teach a child that they need to continue saving money. If the child forgets to add money to the bank, it explodes! This is fantastic.

"The battery-powered toy -- designed as a cartoon-style, ball-shaped black bomb with a skull and crossbones logo -- lights up, makes a noise, shakes violently and scatters coins if it is not topped up for a long time.

"'Users must pick up and collect the scattered coins and reflect on their laziness,' the Japanese company said."

Having children reflect on their laziness? I just don't think we have enough of that in America, and our kids are wicked lazy!! Come on, nap-time in kindergarten? I'm sorry, but if you need a nap during school hours then you probably shouldn't have gotten all hopped up on breast milk the night before....and I don't care if it was a gift!

So why not start teaching our children about science and biology at an early age? Haven't we exhausted ourselves from giving toy trains and books and stuffed animals of giraffes, tigers, bears and other ferocious animals? We're only teaching our children that lions are cute and snuggly, and if your kid ever gets lost on an Afircan safari they're going to wander into a lion's den and try taking a nap with mama. I wonder how that will turn out. Let's just say that The Jungle Book was extreeeeeeemely optimistic.
**NOT what your child will experience if left alone on an African safari**

So why not give your child the gift of syphilis instead? Or maybe rabies or black death? Sounds good right? Especially when it's just a stuffed animal version of the diseases. What a great concept! GIANTmicrobes toys have designed all of your favorite disease strains in furry, cuddly forms!

"The company has taken microscope images of viruses and turned them into larger than life -- much much larger thankfully -- soft toys.

"Included in cuddly collection are dust mites, bedbugs, lice, sore throats (streptococcus), ear ache (S. pneumoniae) stomach ache (shigella), stomach ulcer, athlete's foot, bad breath (gingivalis), acne, rabies, black death and mad cow disease."

I mean, who wouldn't want their young child curling up for the night with a furry, overblown case of gonorrhea? Talk about getting a good night's sleep!

Ok, maybe not everyone is comfortable giving a small child a stuffed animal shaped like mad cow disease. If that's the case, then there's always the Chinese-made Aqua Dots bead toys. They were named Australia's "Toy of the Year" so that must mean they are either superbly crafted toys...or made of beer. Well, if you guessed "made of beer" you were a lot closer to the right answer. In fact,

"Scientists have found the popular toy's coating contains a chemical that, once metabolized, converts into the toxic 'date rape' drug GHB, or gamma-hydroxy butyrate, U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission spokesman Scott Wolfson told CNN."

Wow! Talk about letting one slip thru customs! A toy that turns into the date-rape drug??? Although let's be honest here. What are the odds that a baby or a young child is going to stick one of its toys into their mouth? Babies play with toys, they don't eat them. (Now taking bets into whether or not Shoes has any children of his own...)

Come to think of it, maybe those Aqua Dots aren't really a suitable children's toy after all. Perhaps they're better targeted for the college-aged student who doesn't know what to get for the girl in his Psych 101 class that is really hot, but has never looked at him all semester, even though she would probably totally like him if she only gave him a chance. Maybe if he saw her at a party and was able to just give/slip her a children's toy like Aqua Dots then she would really relax around him long enough to talk to him, mellow out, setup a Psych study-group...and most likely conceive his child. Now THAT'S a gift!

But I suppose for you traditionalists out there, I can offer a final suggestion of getting your child one of Russ Berrie & Co.'s Shining Star stuffed animals. You can purchase a stuffed bunny, owl, penguin, panda, lion, etc. And the best part about this gift:

"With every RUSS Shining Stars friend comes the opportunity to register and name your star with the International Star Registry."

That's right! Now we're giving almost every kid with a stuffed penguin the opportunity to name the stars in our galaxy. I don't see any downside to this.

Granted, at some point in the future, whether it's 50 years from now or 500, we're going to contact life in another part of the galaxy. That Circle of Life is going to extend beyond just this planet. One day we may even be able to meet the alien life face-to (I'm assuming)-face and communicate with them. And when we do, we'll know exactly which star their planet orbits around. It might be Alpha Centauri or some scientifically-named star like V1216 Sgr. What I love about the Shining Star gift idea is that it opens up the possibility of us encountering another lifeform in the galaxy and having to say:

"Greetings! We are from the planet Earth. You are from a planet that orbits the star that we have come to know as (checks the notes) Poopyhead."

Yeah, we'd be off to a great start!

The End of Times: Donnie Darko, Merle Haggard and the Red Sox

THE WORLD IS ENDING!!

It's a good thing that I don't make that claim lightly. I wait until all the facts are in, then I evaluate them before making my Armageddon-ish predictions. It's not like I go around declaring the Apocalypse every week.... Then again, it's not every week that I hear that the world will end from a 6-foot tall rabbit, either, like Donnie Darko did:

Ok, so maybe the rabbit is wrong and we have more than 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds left after all. But don't come crying to me for more time on November 27th at 7:40 and 12 seconds p.m. C.S.T.. (holy crap, that's my birthday...now it really IS getting eerie.)


**Advice Columns: "Dear Merle..."**

So on what factual basis do I base my claim that the world is ending? For starters, MSN is now posting articles about life advice from 70-year old country singers. "What I've Learned: Merle Haggard" tells us such pearls of wisdom as:

"We weren't thieves by nature. Pranksters. Practical jokers. We were without a car one time, Dean Holloway and I. We just went out and started borrowing cars. Sometimes we'd bring 'em back. Put gas in 'em. Clean 'em up. Leave a little note: THANKS FOR THE CAR. Like the Phantom."

and...

"Willie Nelson is an idol for me. The music is sort of immaterial. Willie is seventy-four. A lot of people don't realize how healthy he is. He doesn't eat any strict diet. But he doesn't eat very much of anything. He understands the value of water."

Do the munchies not count as eating? But then there's always...

"I probably had as bad a sex urge as anybody when I was younger. I remember an old guitar player, Eldon Shamblin, told me, 'When you get p**** off your mind, you can go ahead and learn something.' Isn't that great?"

Yeah. It's really inspiring. But I do like his comments about the next Presidential election:

"I don't look for a politician to bullsh** his way in this time."

And maybe Merle Haggard has got a good point (which is something I never thought I would ever utter in all my living years). But, politicians shouldn't be able to BS their way into office. So how do I know that the world is ending? Maybe it's the sad fact that Presidential candidates are now getting questioned in debates about whether or not they've seen a UFO!! (click here for the article)

Yeah, apparently Democratic candidate Dennis Kucinich is 100% certain that he has seen an Unidentified Flying Object. It's tough to argue with him though. Maybe alien life forms have given him strange and awesome powers, while still keeping him from breaking the 5-foot mark. Hell, it would certainly explain how he was able to woo his wife into marrying him!! Here's a picture of Dennis Kucinich (clearly standing on a stool) and his uber-hot wife, Elizabeth:

Although, Jason Jones of 'The Daily Show' had the best take on it, calling her a FLILF:

"It's an acronym....also a palindrome."


**Beantown: #1 Again?!**

So you want more proof that the world is ending? "Dear Merle" and FLILFs aren't enough for you? Well, how about this: the Boston Red Sox won the World Series again this past Sunday. That's the 2nd time that the "loveable losers" have won the Series in the last 4 years, after having suffered 86 years of Championship futility. This can't be right! The Red Sox won the Series....again!!!???

But I think what I find funniest is that Boston fans, after feeling bitter for soooo long thru the years of chokes and heartbreaks, have somehow managed to still remain bitter even after their recent successes. Boston fans, for some unknown reason, still want to be viewed as the "loveable losers" and have a hard time coping with the fact that when the "loser" prefix gets dropped from the title, so too does "loveable".

So, amidst all of the celebrations in Boston, why is it so hard for their fans ('Red Sox Nation') to just accept who they really are now? They've cast aside the shadow of "loveable losers" and are quickly disrobing the New York Yankees and donning the cloak themselves as the next "Empire". They're probably only one more title away from becoming known as the "Evil Empire" as well.

Back in '04, when the Sox won their 1st Series (after 86 years) everyone was rooting for them. They came back in record-setting style. Now, just 3 short years later the Sox won the Series again, this time over the Colorado Rockies. However, here in '07, a recent poll shows that 3-out-of-4 people (75%) were pulling for the Rockies to win. (Of course that poll was conducted by me, and I only asked 4 people......but I think it's still a fair representation of the amount of people who actually watched the World Series outside of Boston & Denver.)

So why the downfall in polularity? People love to root for the underdog, and that no longer applies to Boston. The Sox are now the favorites to win every year. They are now the Goliath of baseball: the big, bad giant who is invulnerable (except to very small boys with slingshots). And how do those who hail from Boston feel about it? Here's one man's opinion, and I'll keep his name secret...although he knows who he is:

"You know, fuck everybody who says the Sox are the new Goliath. They still play in one of the smallest parks in the league and it's not their fault if they're outsmarting everyone in terms of marketing and squeezing every last cent out of that place. Sure, they have NESN but plenty of other teams have regional deals with ownership of cable stations. Sure they overspend at times but who were the real stars of that playoff run? Pedroia, Paplebon, Ellsbury, Youkilis: all home-grown talent. The key is to mix free agent signings with guys off the farm. The only free agents that were not on the team in '04 that really contributed were Lowell, Okajima (2 mill I think), and Beckett. We'll see about Dice-K.

"As a prototypical provincial Masshole, I didn't want anybody on the bandwagon anyway.

"Eat it haters, EAT IT!!"

Jeeeeez....... Got Bitter? EAT IT???

The Sawx did it the way it has to be done in baseball nowadays: They spent a lot of money (2nd only to the Yankees) on free agents and mixed it with some younger home-grown talent. But don't try passing off all of the success as just a bunch of kids from Southie doing the home town proud. It's not Good Will Hunting we're talking about here! I guess Beantown is going to have to somehow live with the fact that they've become what they for so long hated and tried to defeat: The Empire!

And now that the Sox won the World Series (again), just think about those promises made....if...they...could...only...win it:
(Dennis Leary is so f***ed!)


**Beware...the End of Times? ...or of Dogs?**

So maybe not everything is a sign of the Apocalypse. Even when the world is crazy (like KU being 8-0 and ranked #8 in both polls and the BCS ranking *cough*) and everything leans toward predications that we need to beware of the end of times, perhaps instead we just need to Beware of Dogs!

All I know is that if I were Michael Vick, confessed ringleader of dogfighting, I'd be keeping an eye out for any shifty-eyed canines in the neighborhood. Especially after news broke that a hunter in Iowa was shot with a rifle by his dog. The animals are revolting people! Domesticated and wild alike, they're starting to learn how to use our weapons. Did we learn nothing from "Animal Farm"? We're screwed!!!

I Fought the Law...and Got My A*s Kicked!

Everyone's Favorite Attorney: Reese Witherspoon
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Law school takes three years to complete. Three years to learn in the ins and outs, legalities and illegalities...and all of the Latin terms that help describe why it's illegal for me to chop off someone's arm, even if I did so to use it as a paddle while guiding a home-made canoe to escape from a deserted island. Yeah, apparently that's wrong. Go figure. Dissectus Corpus my ass! But I digress....

The law can be interpreted in so many different ways that it'll make your head spin. That's what the courts are for: to interpret the laws. But the lawyers (except for the ones I know who personally keep me from being incarcerated) twist everything and turn something as simple as convicting OJ Simpson into a circus. Hell, Matlock could have gotten that one right.


**"Could you stop breathing so damn loud?"**

But not everything is so clear cut. So, while not technically against the law, it didn't stop the management of Planet Fitness gym in Wappinger Falls, NY from calling the police to escort Albert Argibay off the premises for violating the "no-grunting" policy that they have in place. He also lost his membership to the gym for breaking their rules. No grunting while working out or lifting weights. That makes sense. I'm all for it!

In fact, I'll take it a step further. It would be great if they could stop people from sweating, too. Let's be honest: it's a total slippery slope we're on here. Grunting only means that you're working hard...which leads to sweating...which leads to blurting out such phrases as "Oh man that burns!" and "Wow, you rocked that set dude!" So I'd like to see even stricter policies put in place in our gyms! Grunting is only the beginning. There should also be rules regarding no sweating, no saying stupid phrases, and above all, no high-fives or fist-bumps after bench-pressing a 3rd set. Immediate dismissal! I mean, just click here to listen to some of these guys!!


**"Fry him!!"**

So, ok maybe that wasn't truly a matter for the police to become involved. But that doesn't mean that law officers throughout the world aren't normally hard at work trying to keep all of us safe. Just look at the policeman in Cambodia who finally arrested the culprit responsible for causing a fatal motorcycle crash. The same suspect was also responsible for a separate car accident earlier this year that killed five people. Finally, this menace was taken off the streets and brought into the police station. The culprit: a cow.

For years I've been saying that cows are destructive and evil creatures...not to mention, delicious. They intentionally wander into the streets of Cambodia causing auto accidents. How can we feel safe? Well, there's only one sure-fire way that I know of to protect ourselves, and that's to institute a policy of eating our criminals! I can see the prosecuting attorneys now:

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the evidence has shown that the defendant knowingly and willfully caused the deaths of six innocent people by so-called 'wanderings' into the road. I say to you now: it is your civic DUTY to issue forth a verdict of guilty!! ...and to suggest a sentence of no less than being served medium-rare with a twice-baked potato, a side of asparagus and perhaps a nice bottle of Shirraz. Maybe a nice '92 from Sonoma? ...I'm just saying."

All I know is that when guilty verdicts come back in an era such as this, you won't hear as many people crying out: "Fry him!" Not when there are so many other better ways of preparing the guilty, other than frying.

So, if it becomes standard practice to eat the guilty - and I don't see why it shouldn't - I just hope we're selective in using that type of sentencing. It's one thing when the defendant is a cow, but we have to be careful when it's a human being -- though it would certainly give the 'an eye for an eye' system of punishment a whole new meaning. But we can't just eat anyone. While I'm sure that certain judges would revel in being able to find a purse-snatcher guilty and say, "I sentence you.....to brunch," I'm pretty sure we need to make sure that the punishment indeed fits the crime.

Case Numero Uno could very well involve Jose Luis Calva from Mexico City. He is a Mexican writer who was arrested for murdering his girlfriend. After being questioned by the police Calva confessed to killing her... "But I didn't eat her!" he claims. I don't even understand why he would have to defend himself for that. OK, so upon entering Calva's apartment they found fried human flesh on a dining table that was set with cutlery. And fine, more human flesh was in the refrigerator. And he happened to have a book titled "Cannibal Instincts."

Seems to me as if the Mexican authorities are just automatically jumping to wild conclusions. Calva simply claims that he did indeed murder his girlfriend, cut off her arm and leg so that he could dispense of it in parts, and as for cooking part of her...he was just going to feed it to the dogs. And being a rational person he thought it best to cook her first. See! Nowhere in the article does it even mention how kind he is to animals. Still, despite his probable affiliation with PETA, I think that Jose Luis Calva should be the first person we sentence to being eaten!


**"Excuses, Excuses, Excuses..."**

Now it's not like Calva needed to take the wrap for this murder/cannibalism. I guess when cornered, certain people just lack the necessary skills of having a good excuse. Or better yet, an alibi. He could have easily gone the route of Denver woman Brenda Hernandez who was accused of the attempted murder of her three children, ages 2, 3 and 7. Hernandez tried to drown her children in the bathtub, but luckily the police were called to her apartment by the aunt, and Brenda was arrested.

But you gotta give it up to Brenda! When the police knocked on the door, she was extremely deceitful by calling out: "No one's here. Go away." Then, when taken into custody Hernandez claimed that she was Christ. Yeah...and her three children were the anti-Christ. Sooooo, I guess I spoke too quickly when I said that "luckily" the police were called to her apartment. Because right now those three anti-Christs are walking around free in Denver. This would be a real bad instance of I-Told-You-So if those kids start wrecking havoc on the earth and destroying cities in pillars of fire.

Sometimes people are just caught with their pants down, so to speak. Or even completely speak. That seems to be the case for Dr. Mark Anderson, a dentist in Woodland, CA. Dr. Anderson has been accused of fondling the breasts of 27 female patients. And while nothing gets me in the mood for some feeling-up more than scraping plaque off of a few molars (just ask Mrs. Shoes), I think the good dentist had better come up with a valid excuse. And apparently he has!

Mark Anderson's lawyer says dental journals discuss the need to massage the pectoral muscles to treat a common jaw problem.

Police say Anderson said during recorded phone calls that he routinely massaged patients' chests to treat temporo-mandibular joint disorder, or TMJ, which causes neck and head pain.

You might be surprised, but that line has actually worked for me in the bar-scene, too. After getting slapped for sticking my hand up random girl's shirts, I would say, "Baby, please. I'm not trying to feel your hooters. I'm just trying to help relieve your tempero-mandibular joint disorder." Yeah, a big smile and a few shots of tequila later and most of those girls didn't have no more TMJ problems, I assure you that!

So maybe Dr. Anderson didn't need to use the excuse of calling himself Christ. And maybe we'll all be sorry someday when we start praying to Christ, er, Brenda Hernandez for forgiveness. I guess the bottom line is that sometimes it's just best to turn to the Lord in dire circumstances. Turn to the Good Book people!! Just like James Lee Sheppard, a county jailer in Mankato, MN. Last February, surveillance video showed Sheppard approaching an inmate who was reading the Bible in his cell. Sheppard then grabbed the Bible from the inmate and started to hit him with it, before grabbing him by the throat and slamming him against the bars. As it stands I don't think there's a crime for assault with the word of God, so Sheppard plead guilty to misdemeanor fifth-degree assault.

But finally I want to end with the continuing adventures of our good friend Senator Larry Craig. If you recall (not only from an earlier blog post titled "The Simple, Easy, It's All Coincidence, No-Duh Defense of Senator Larry Craig"), Senator Craig was arrested in a Minneapolis bathroom stall for attempting to solicit sex. He pled guilty to disorderly conduct, and then vowed to resign from the Senate because of the scandal. Well, since then Craig has rescinded his resignation and now vows to finish out his Seante term. And while his excuse isn't quite as elaborate as Ms. Hernandez's claim to be Christ, the conservative Senator from Idaho is going to the Minnesota Court of Appeals to say that the state's disorderly conduct law is unconstitutional as it applies to his conviction.

If you remember, Senator Craig was arrested by an undercover police officer after Craig made foot-tapping gestures in the stall that correspond with known gestures used by men trying to solicit sex in the bathrooms. His feet also rubbed up against the officer in the next stall, but Craig's perfectly understandable excuse was that he has a wide stance. He also was said to have swiped his hand under the stall - another indicator of wanting sex - but Craig claims that he was just picking up some toilet paper that had fallen to the floor. All good excuses!!

And this time Senator Craig has people on his side. Long-time friends of the conservative party, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), agrees with him. And I think the ACLU has the best excuse yet. They claim that all of these things Craig did in the bathroom are protected under the 1st Amendment of the Constitution, which gurantees freedom of speech. Fuck yeah it does!! (See, the 1st Amendment at work again.)

College Football Postseason: The Joke

Arial view of the Hoover Dam.

(Not shown: the seventy-five year old man who represents the NCAA using his finger to plug a hole near the base of the dam.)
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I thought I'd take a break from the usual and talk about college football. Normally I don't really care for the NCAA's version of football, but now, since my Kansas Jayhawks are 7-0 - and ranked #10 in the USA Today Coaches Poll - my motivation for paying attention has suddenly increased exponentially....meaning that my attention is now more than zero.

My disdain for college fooball has always been for a multiple of reasons:

a) I live in the heart of Big 10 "Country" yet I am not a fan of the Big 10 Conference at all...maybe it's because they have 11 schools. Can't people count? Unless you were pretty awful in shop class, ten would equal the number of digits combined on both of your hands. Of course, if you're still getting that wrong, maybe you belong in the Big 10. (I know I'll catch slack for that one...)

b) The Jayhawks are perennially a bad to mediocre football team. While a student, I went to the games because we got drunk first and wandered into the stadium. To our surprise there was a game going on.

c) Division I-A football has always had Bowl games serve as their "postseason", and therefore never been able to truly crown a National Champion.


**The Past**

So, how hard is it to just let the teams decide it on the field, you ask? Apparently, it's extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemely hard. After there were co-national champions in both 1990 & 1991, the NCAA decided to do something about it. So they started what was known as the Bowl Coalition (which lasted from 1992-1994). This was one of the most insane systems ever put in place. Just a summary of how it worked was that they took 8 teams and tried to place the top 2 against each other for the title. The 8 teams came from 5 conference champions, 2 runners-up from other conferences... and Notre Dame! Seriously. Somehow Notre Dame was always a part of the Bowl Coalition, no matter how good (or bad) their team was that year. Wha-Wha-WHAT?!

The entire idea of the Bowl Coalition could be summed up like this:

For a variety of reasons, the NCAA did away with the Bowl Coalition, and instead started the Bowl Alliance (1995-1997). For comparison's sake, if the Hoover Dam had a massive crack in it, the Bowl Coalition basically came along and tried to cover the crack with Band-Aids. When the Band-Aids didn't hold, the Bowl Alliance said, "Ah ha! I can fix the crack, because I know why the Band-Aids didn't work. You forgot to lick them!" Yeah, the Bowl Alliance was just as bad, this time involving 6 teams: 4 conference champions plus 2 at-large teams....oh yeah, and there were also special provisions for Notre Dame to get in. *sigh*

Wow, licking the Band-Aids didn't work either? Who woulda guessed?

So, in 1998 the NCAA went with a program called the Bowl Championship Series, or BCS, to determine the national champion. This system is still in use today so it must be all fixed, right? Uhhh no, not even close. The system has been wrought with controversy from the outset. You see, in every other sport the polls are simply a fun way to rank the top teams during the season...and that's all. The rankings don't really matter in other sports because a playoff system or tournament ends up deciding the national champion. But with the advent of the BCS, there is still no playoff system in college football and the Hoover Dam is bursting!


**The Present: Controversies of the BCS**

2000-2001 Season:
Oklahoma finshed the season undefeated and deserved to be in the National Championship game. But who should they play? The BCS chose Florida State, who only had one loss all season long. Easy enough, right? However, the Miami Hurricanse also had only one loss on the season...and not only that, Miami was the team that beat Florida State to give them their only loss!! So who did Miami's only loss come to? The Washington Huskies...and they, too, only had one loss all season long!! Mass confusion!! Florida State, Miami and Washington all had legitimate claims at the right to play Oklahoma for the Nat'l Title. But the BCS chose Florida State, and that was that. Miami & Washington??? Sorry....

2003-2004 Season:
An undefeated team is a pretty obvious choice to pick as one of the teams to play for the nat'l title. However, the '03-'04 season ended without anyone going undefeated. Oops! Even worse, SIX teams finished with only 1 loss on the year: Oklahoma, LSU, USC, Boise State, Miami Univ.(OH) and TCU. So how do you choose between them? Hmmm, what would the BCS do? Well, based upon who certain people thought were the two best teams, they chose LSU & Oklahoma to play for the title. Sounds fair, right? But USC was ranked #1 in both the AP & Coaches polls!

LSU ended up winning the BCS title game 21-14, so the Coaches Poll ranked LSU #1, making them the national champion...right?? Well, you tell me, because in the AP Poll, the sports writers kept USC in the #1 spot after they beat Michigan in the Rose Bowl. Ooooops! So now each poll had a different team ranked #1 at the end of the season.

So now there's not only the dispute between USC and LSU for who should truly be the national champion, but three other teams didn't even get a chance to play for it, despite having the same record. Buh.... Oh well, at least it can't get any stranger or more complicated than that, can it?

2004-2005 Season:
Ummmmmm. Yes it can. At the end of the season FIVE teams still remained undefeated. "Mother @&@%^*~@#," said the BCS. USC & Oklahoma were ranked #1 and #2 in the preseason polls, and by remaining undefeated throughout the season they were chosen to play in the BCS title game. But, Auburn, Boise State and Utah were also undefeated.

How in the world can you not give an undefeated team the chance to win a national championship? Because they weren't ranked high enough at the beginning of the season? How does that make any sense? Answer: it doesn't. But the BCS follwed that "logic" and crowned USC the national champion after they destroyed Oklahoma in the title game 55-19. However, Auburn and Utah both easily won their bowl games as well to also remain undefeated on the season. Three unbeaten teams, and only one nat'l champion???

How does that happen? It's outageous!!!! In fact it's barbaric! BARBARIC!! BARBARIC!!

Senator Robert Byrd getting emotional over Michael Vick's dogfighting scandal...it's funny no matter how many times you see it! (thanks to Reggie Newton, who showed me this clip.)

2006-2007 Season:
The season ended with two undefeated teams in the country. Phew! Nice and easy, right? Just let them play each other and it's winner take all! Ohio State was one of the unbeaten, and being ranked #1 in both polls they were a clear choice to play for the national championship. Boise State was the other unbeaten team, but since they don't play in a "BCS Conference" the BCS decided not to give them the shot at the title. There were four one-loss teams being considered instead: Louisville, Michigan, Wisconsin and Florida.

The BCS chose Florida to play Ohio State, and Florida won the game handily to claim the national championship. However, Boise State also won their bowl game to remain the ONLY undefeated team in college football that season. Yet sadly, they were not given the opportunity to even PLAY for the title. I don't need to tell you what I think that is...just ask Senator Byrd.


**The WHAT Bowl???**

So, what are we really holding on to tradition-wise? These games have been warped, become corporate-sponsored, and end up changing their names all the time or even going defunct. Ok, granted that these following games are a bit older, but they're still some of my favorite bowl-games that no longer even exist:

The Oil Bowl: played in Houston, TX from 1946-1947.
The Glass Bowl: played in Toledo, OH from 1946-1949.
The Cigar Bowl: played in Tampa, FL from 1947-1956.
The Salad Bowl: played in Phoenix, AZ from 1948-1952.
The Houston Bowl: aptly named, they played it in Houston, TX from 2000-2005...what I find funny is that this is the name they changed it to. It used be known as the game every little boy dreamed of one day playing in: The galleryfurniture.com Bowl.

And ironically enough, in Los Angeles, CA they hosted The Mercy Bowl in 1961 and 1971. Apparently mercy was only granted every 10 years...and then: NO MERCY!!!
"Strike first, strike hard, no mercy, sir!"


**The Future: A 16-Team Playoff System???**

As far as I can tell, it's not that difficult to figure out a playoff system, and there are many different scenarios that would work. After some discussions with Our Man In L.A., we've devised a pretty viable option that should keep everyone happy.

The regular season for most of college football ends this year on Nov. 24th. This puts the conference championship games on Dec. 1st. Let's give the teams two weeks to rest after that.

Selection Tuesday: Tuesday, Dec. 3rd
The Top 16 teams will be chosen for the 1st Round of the NCAA College Football Championship Series. 7 automatic bids plus 9 at-large bids.

6 of the automatic bids will be filled by the champions from the major conferences: Big 10, Big 12, Big East, ACC, SEC and Pac-10. The 7th automatic bid will be selected from the various champions of the mid-major conferences: Conference USA, Mountain West, Mid American, Western Athletic or Sun Belt. The 9 at-large bids as well as the seedings will be determined by a panel of NCAA representatives, much like the basketball tournament. As a rule, no more than 4 teams from one conference will be chosen....Also, any undefeated team automatically receives a bid to the playoffs. So if 2 mid-major teams go unbeaten, they both receive an automatic bid, and now there are only 8 at-large bids, keeping it still extremely fair.

ROUND ONE: Thursday, Dec. 13th - Saturday, Dec. 15th
For the sake of argument, let's look at who might be making up the field of 16 this season, as of October 21st:

Automatic Bids:
Big 10: Ohio State (8-0)
Big 12: Kansas (7-0)
Big East: South Florida (6-1)
ACC: Boston College (7-0)
SEC: LSU (7-1)
Pac-10: Arizona State (7-0)
(mid-major) WAC: Hawaii (7-0)

9 At-Large Bids:
As of right now, there are probably 18 teams that have a legitimate shot at grabbing one of the 9 bids. Of those, 7 stand out as definites: Oregon (6-1), USC (6-1), Florida (5-2), West Virginia (7-1), Missouri (6-1), Oklahoma (7-1), Virginia Tech (6-1). This leaves 2 open spots, with up to 9 teams fighting for them. Obviously there will be some difficult decisions to be made, but I would take Texas & Kentucky to fill out the bids.

The 16 teams will then be seeded, with the caveat that in each sub-bracket of 4, there will be no more than 1 team from each conference. So the field could very well look like this:

#1 Ohio State vs. #16 Hawaii
#8 Kansas vs. #9 USC

#4 Oklahoma vs. #13 Kentucky
#5 Arizona St. vs. #12 West Virginia

#3 LSU vs. #14 Virginia Tech
#6 Oregon vs. #11 Missouri

#2 Boston College vs. #15 Texas
#7 South Florida vs. #10 Florida

ROUND TWO: Saturday, Dec. 22nd
Eight teams remain from the 1st Round. Here in the 2nd Round is where we can start incorporating Bowl games into the playoff system.

The Fiesta Bowl gets the winners of the 1-16 and 8-9 games. Possible matchup: #1 Ohio State vs. #9 USC

The Chik-fil-A/Peach Bowl gets the winners of the 4-13 and 5-12 games. Possible matchup: #4 Oklahoma vs. #12 West Virginia

The Cotton Bowl gets the winners of the 3-14 and 6-11 games. Possible matchup: #3 LSU vs. #11 Missouri

The Gator Bowl gets the winners of the 2-15 and 7-10 games. Possible matchup: #2 Boston College vs. #10 Florida

ROUND THREE: The Final Four - January 1st, 2008
Just as it is now, the "Big 3" bowl games will represent the Final Four of college football on a rotating basis. Every year the championship game will switch between the Rose Bowl, Orange Bowl and Sugar Bowl. A very possible Final Four this season could be as such:

The Orange Bowl: #1 Ohio State vs. #4 Oklahoma
The Sugar Bowl: #3 LSU vs. #10 Florida

NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: January 8th, 2008
The Rose Bowl: #1 Ohio State vs. #3 LSU


**END RESULTS...**

The history of the bowl games has drawn excitement mainly from the alumni and fans of the two schools playing in each particular game. That, combined with the fact that it's a great tradition to have a bunch of bowl games to watch every January 1st, is the main draw. But, in a playoff system, wouldn't it have an even greater draw for some of these other bowl games if the teams playing in them were still fighting to be #1? Wouldn't it be an even bigger draw to the general public to watch the Peach Bowl if the winner moved on to the Final Four? Revenue-wise, it would be even bigger and better for the schools themselves and for the networks.

This playoff system gives all deserving teams a fair chance on the field to earn the crown of national champion, and also keeps in tact the tradition of the bowl games. However, the "tradition" of still being unsure that the team voted #1 at the end of the season is the true national champion... Yeah, that's a tradition I think we could do without.

Consider this: As it stands now in the BCS, it is the Coaches Poll at the end of the season that technically crowns the national champion. In fact, the poll is simply an opinion poll all season long....until the final one. Because in the final one the Coaches Poll is contractually obligated to vote the winner of the BCS Title game into the #1 spot. So basically the BCS is saying, "Of course the Coaches Poll is an opinion poll....But HERE'S your opinion!"

With the bowl games serving to accentuate the playoff system, everyone wins. The title gets decided on the field with all of the best teams playing for it. The way it should be.

Of course, now I just need to get the NCAA to listen to my proposal...does anyone have their phone number?

The Twilight Zone of Bartending Hangover Diaries

Kansas vs. Baylor in Lawrence, KS. KU won 58-10 to improve to 6-0 on the season.
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**The Twilight Zone**

Things may be coming to an end, folks. I don't mean to be an alarmist, but...VERY SOON THE WORLD IS GOING TO END IN A RAGING FIRE, CONSUMING ALL AND STRIKING DOWN THE WICKED!!

Ok, so maybe I'm slightly overreacting (a bit). But there certainly are some crazy things afoot in the world and it all hits home when I see that my beloved Kansas Jayhawks are ranked #15 in both the current AP & Coaches polls....ummm, no, not in basketball. But in football!! KU is also ranked #13 in the BCS Poll. Does this mean that the Jayhawks could win a national title in football before they do in basketball?? If only the drunk Wisconsin fan from my fishing trip (see the 'Fishing vs. Football' blog post) was here now. "Where is Kansas?" he asked. Well, right now we're 6-0 and wayyyyyy ahead of Wisonsin who is no longer even ranked. I don't know much, but I know that! This is why I love when people get into arguments over whose favorite team is better. You might as well be arguing what's really inside a tub of 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.' Then what the hell is it?!?!

When a KU football team becomes 6-0, ranked ahead of USC & Florida in the BCS poll, what kind of world are we living in? Is it the nexus of the universe, like Kramer on 'Seinfeld' when he found himself at the corner of 1st and 1st? Or are we in some kind of 'Twilight Zone' episode, like the one where little Anthony ruled the adults in his household with the fear of sending them into the cornfield?

(someone's nostalgic take on the Twilight Zone episode:)
"It's good what you done Anthony. It's real good."

**The Bartending Diaries...**

While I'm searching for stories to add into the blog I separate them into categories, and see where they naturally fall. Some of them are made for the "Hangover Havens" or "The Bartending Diaries"...or even "God in the News." But again, it's that Twilight Zone set of circumstances when the stories tend to fall into all 3!!

This past Saturday I bartended a party at this couple's house in Hinsdale. Upon walking into the house my first thought was that some little girl's Easy Bake Oven had just exploded. There wasn't a 6 square-inch spot on the wall, in any room of the house, that was left bare. Pictures, paintings, shelving with knick-knacks; rooms decorated like red-and-white checkered picnic blankets; doll-houses acted as the bases of coffee tables; glass-doored cabinets hung on the walls, and encased in them were 100s of tiny figurines: horses, dolphins...and even miniature glass-doored cabinets, which almost made me pass out trying to peer into infinity. Even in the bathroom I was afraid of which hand-towel I was supposed to use. There were 6 to choose from, hanging from little racks on the wall, all of them different colors. Luckily, they were all stitched with the word "Guest" on them. Phew! I'm not sure which hand-towels the owners of the house used, but I try not to think too hard on it. Still, I feared that if I stayed in this house for too long I would end up as just another figurine, lost in this crazy lady's house of organized trinkets.

The party at least turned out to be somewhat normal. They were only serving appetizers, so it seemed a bit odd that around 100 guests showed up - the ladies wearing cocktail dresses and the men were in suits and ties - as if it were a formal gathering. I felt as if I was at the 50-year reunion of a Young Republican's Club: everyone was old, white and - with the choices of an entire open bar - drinking copious amounts of white wine...yes, the men, too.

I suppose it could have been a lot worse, though. At least I didn't have any guests at this party approach me with the insane rantings that I heard while recently working a party on the northwest side of Chicago. This is where "The Bartending Diaries" meets "God in the News" and that's never a good combo, is it?

It was a backyard family party thrown for a kid who had just graduated high school. Or maybe it wasn't just a family party? I'm only assuming so because of the 40 people at the party the kid only invited 3 friends. Maybe that's all he had? I know that's sort of mean-spirited to suggest, but it did kind of make sense when I saw another young kid show up completely overdressed in a suit and tie. As I poured the guests their drinks I watched as the overdressed kid walked randomly up to people and asked them if they'd like to see a card trick. Whoa!! Nerd Alert!!

Now, if he had been attending Washington State University he might even have been purchased! That's right, there was talk of hosting a "Nerd Auction" for sorority girls. Ben Ford, president of the Linux Users Group at Washington State, was promoting the idea that:

"You can buy a nerd and he'll fix your computer, help you with stats homework, or if you're really adventurous, take you to dinner!"

...and perhaps ask if you've ever seen a certain card trick before. Chicks always fall for that! Now I don't know if this makes it better for the graduate or not, but as it turns out the suit-wearing kid was actually a magician hired for the event....of 40 people....at a high school graduation party. Yeah, a kid doing card tricks. Need I say more?

It was about an hour into the party when one of the older guests walked up and ordered a screwdriver. Easy enough, vodka and orange juice. I pour the vodka and when I reach for the OJ, that's when he turned into a true pleasure...

Guest: "Is that California orange juice or Florida orange juice?"

Shoes: "I really don't have any idea. It's Tropicana."

Guest: "Oh, that's California. I won't drink that."

Shoes: "I'm sorry?"

Guest: "Don't you know that California oranges are loaded with chemicals that are poisoning us? All of the produce that comes out of California is getting poisoned with these chemicals. If you eat just one, you're fine...but if you eat them for 20 years it builds up and it's killing people."

Shoes: "You're kidding, right?"

Guest: "This is all the truth. And you can't ask doctors about it, either."

Shoes: "Becaauussssse...?"

Guest: "The doctors all know about this. Look it up, it's fact. But there's nothing they can do about it, so they don't tell anyone."

Shoes: "About the oranges."

Guest: "Yes. It's fact. And you can't argue with fact. There's only one other thing you can't argue with, and it's fact, too. You know what that is?"

Shoes: "I'm kind of afraid to ask."

Guest: "The Bible."

Shoes: "Ah....Did you want, like, cranberry juice with the vodka then?"

Guest: "Sure. You know you can't argue with the Bible because it's fact." (He leans in towards me...) "Come here for a second."

Shoes: (I play along and lean in to hear him) "Here's your drink."

Guest: "Do you know who the last people are going to be getting into Heaven?"

Shoes: "I'm going to go out on a limb here, because I have a good idea where you're going with this....but I'm going to say me! I'm pretty sure I'll be the last one in."

Guest: "The Jews."

Shoes: (sighs heavily)

Guest: "You see, the Jews don't believe in Jesus Christ, and that's what gets you into Heaven."

Shoes: "That's it? Not even if I like save a bunch of kids' lives from a burning building on my way home tonight? That won't get me in?"

Guest: "It's in the Bible. And it's fact. You can't argue with fact."

Shoes: "No. I guess you can't."

I'm not lying here when I say that for the remainder of the night, this guest - who was maybe the kid's grandpa? or great-uncle? - sat by himself in the corner of the yard, drinking his vodka-cranberry. Everyone has the right to believe what they want to; however, I'm sorry, but since no one can claim to know with 100% certainty which religion is correct...or even if there is a God...then people need to stop condemning others to Hell. That's my new rule...especially in a bar, or a backyard. Or pretty much anywhere. All of the anti-Semitic remarks aside, I never bothered to ask him if he was sure that the cranberries in that juice he was drinking didn't also come from California. Oh, the irony! Well, if he was right about one thing it's that you can't argue with fact. And I think it's safe to assume that it's a fact that he probably didn't have 20 years left anyway to wait for the poisoned fruit to kill him. Now I'm not wishing him ill-will, but I was certainly hoping that the magician could make him disappear. But he couldn't...what a fraud!

**The Hangover Haven...God-Style!**

Now I don't know if this party guest woke up with a hangover or not, but I'm pretty sure that he didn't feel one bit sorry for the comments he made to me. In fact he probably thought he was saving me. How sweet of him - somebody should (or needs to). But at least he was pretty much confined to a backyard, and left to sit by himself with his thoughts. It gets worse when things are said by public figures.

"I SAID WHAT?!"

For those of you who don't know Ann Coulter, she's a very prominent, right-wing, ultra-Conservative columnist/author who spreads a wonderfully joyous message of good will, peace, prosperity and - above all - tolerance! Oh yes, she does so in her books. And you can tell how open-minded and well-balanced she is from the title of her new enlightening book If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans.

So, I guess it comes as a major, shocking surprise when Ann Coulter (or Coultergeist, as Keith Olbermann is prone to calling her) goes out to promote her book and just says the most insanely disrespectful and ludicrous things:


But it certainly helps her promote her book, that's for sure! Nothing like stirring up controversy in order to sell a few extra copies, and to make a few bucks. Now, I know that a lot of people have viewed her comments as anti-Semitic...and I'm not sure I entirely agree with that assessment. It's not so much that she hates Jews, or wants them killed, it's just that she's so blinded by her own elitist views that her capacity for tolerance is nil. She loves to talk of the country's founders and their ideals of freedom to practice any religion...but when called into action on that, she succumbs to the weakened view of 'I'm right and you're wrong...and I wish I could change you to make you more like me.' Trust me Ann: no one wants to be like you.

On top of all her superiority-complexes and elitist views, I still think my favorite part once again describes the fabric of these ultra-Conservatives to a T. Just as Laura Ingraham (as shown in "The Hangover Haven, Chapter 1") believes that the fictional television show '24' provides a referendum for the U.S. to torture people - seriously, she said that! - Ann Coulter takes to 'Seinfeld' to provide the evidence for her arguments:

Coulter: "You walk past a mixed-race couple in New York, and it's like they have a chip on their shoulder, waiting for somebody to say something, as if anybody would."

Donny Deutsch: "I don't agree with that at all. Maybe you have the chip looking at them, I don't know. I see a lot of inter-racial couples and I don't see any more or less chips there either way."

Coulter: "No. In fact there was an entire Seinfeld episode about Elaine and her boyfriend dating because they wanted to be a mixed-race couple. So you're lying."

Deutsch: "Oh, because it's in a Seinfeld episode. Ok."

She did come back on the program though, after the commercial break, trying to defend her comments...and only made herself look even worse:

Coulter explains herself

Isn't it bad enough that she apparently speaks for all Christians and says "We just want Jews to be perfected"? Nope! Not good enough for Coultergeist though. She then tries to defend her comments using (what to her is) rational thought. Her complete lack of self-awareness is amazing. Her unwavering belief that her's is the only opinion worth hearing and believing in is the epitomy of ignorance. And Deutsch nailed it when he called her on it:

Deutsch: "Your exact words were 'Jews need to be perfected.'"

Coulter: "No, I'm saying that's what a Christian is."

Deutsch: "Don't you see how hateful and anti-Semitic..."

Coulter: "Nooooooo."

Deutsch: "You're an educated woman."

Coulter: "That isn't hateful at alllll."

Deutsch: "Well, that's even a scarier thought."

Amen, brother!

But is any of it shocking? Didn't I warn you at the top of this post that the world is ending soon? This is the end of days people!! Things couldn't be crazier!! We're at the corner of 1st and 1st in New York City with Kramer!! The Kansas Jayhawks' football team is 6-0 and poised to make a run at a possible berth in a BCS bowl game. Dogs and cats...living together!! High school graduates are now hiring magicians to work the crowd at their parties. It's crazy bedlam!! We're in 'The Twilight Zone' people. And this must mean that we need to placate the lunatics in charge: "What you said was good Ann. Hating liberals and blacks and Jews is good...real good!!" It's mass hysteria!! Judgment Day cometh, and it cometh soon...eth.

And when the sooneth becomes now then all of the righteous believers will be saved, while everyone else will perish and spend eternity burning in Hell! And this has to be true...because people like the Pope, Ann Coulter and crazy old men who don't eat fruit from California say so!!

SO I TELL ALL OF YOU NOW, REPENT AND A-.......Wait. Sorry, what was that? The Cubs made the playoffs but lost? Oh. Right. Then, never mind all of that. Everything's fine and the world's normal. My bad.