I Fought the Law...and Got My A*s Kicked!

Everyone's Favorite Attorney: Reese Witherspoon
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Law school takes three years to complete. Three years to learn in the ins and outs, legalities and illegalities...and all of the Latin terms that help describe why it's illegal for me to chop off someone's arm, even if I did so to use it as a paddle while guiding a home-made canoe to escape from a deserted island. Yeah, apparently that's wrong. Go figure. Dissectus Corpus my ass! But I digress....

The law can be interpreted in so many different ways that it'll make your head spin. That's what the courts are for: to interpret the laws. But the lawyers (except for the ones I know who personally keep me from being incarcerated) twist everything and turn something as simple as convicting OJ Simpson into a circus. Hell, Matlock could have gotten that one right.


**"Could you stop breathing so damn loud?"**

But not everything is so clear cut. So, while not technically against the law, it didn't stop the management of Planet Fitness gym in Wappinger Falls, NY from calling the police to escort Albert Argibay off the premises for violating the "no-grunting" policy that they have in place. He also lost his membership to the gym for breaking their rules. No grunting while working out or lifting weights. That makes sense. I'm all for it!

In fact, I'll take it a step further. It would be great if they could stop people from sweating, too. Let's be honest: it's a total slippery slope we're on here. Grunting only means that you're working hard...which leads to sweating...which leads to blurting out such phrases as "Oh man that burns!" and "Wow, you rocked that set dude!" So I'd like to see even stricter policies put in place in our gyms! Grunting is only the beginning. There should also be rules regarding no sweating, no saying stupid phrases, and above all, no high-fives or fist-bumps after bench-pressing a 3rd set. Immediate dismissal! I mean, just click here to listen to some of these guys!!


**"Fry him!!"**

So, ok maybe that wasn't truly a matter for the police to become involved. But that doesn't mean that law officers throughout the world aren't normally hard at work trying to keep all of us safe. Just look at the policeman in Cambodia who finally arrested the culprit responsible for causing a fatal motorcycle crash. The same suspect was also responsible for a separate car accident earlier this year that killed five people. Finally, this menace was taken off the streets and brought into the police station. The culprit: a cow.

For years I've been saying that cows are destructive and evil creatures...not to mention, delicious. They intentionally wander into the streets of Cambodia causing auto accidents. How can we feel safe? Well, there's only one sure-fire way that I know of to protect ourselves, and that's to institute a policy of eating our criminals! I can see the prosecuting attorneys now:

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the evidence has shown that the defendant knowingly and willfully caused the deaths of six innocent people by so-called 'wanderings' into the road. I say to you now: it is your civic DUTY to issue forth a verdict of guilty!! ...and to suggest a sentence of no less than being served medium-rare with a twice-baked potato, a side of asparagus and perhaps a nice bottle of Shirraz. Maybe a nice '92 from Sonoma? ...I'm just saying."

All I know is that when guilty verdicts come back in an era such as this, you won't hear as many people crying out: "Fry him!" Not when there are so many other better ways of preparing the guilty, other than frying.

So, if it becomes standard practice to eat the guilty - and I don't see why it shouldn't - I just hope we're selective in using that type of sentencing. It's one thing when the defendant is a cow, but we have to be careful when it's a human being -- though it would certainly give the 'an eye for an eye' system of punishment a whole new meaning. But we can't just eat anyone. While I'm sure that certain judges would revel in being able to find a purse-snatcher guilty and say, "I sentence you.....to brunch," I'm pretty sure we need to make sure that the punishment indeed fits the crime.

Case Numero Uno could very well involve Jose Luis Calva from Mexico City. He is a Mexican writer who was arrested for murdering his girlfriend. After being questioned by the police Calva confessed to killing her... "But I didn't eat her!" he claims. I don't even understand why he would have to defend himself for that. OK, so upon entering Calva's apartment they found fried human flesh on a dining table that was set with cutlery. And fine, more human flesh was in the refrigerator. And he happened to have a book titled "Cannibal Instincts."

Seems to me as if the Mexican authorities are just automatically jumping to wild conclusions. Calva simply claims that he did indeed murder his girlfriend, cut off her arm and leg so that he could dispense of it in parts, and as for cooking part of her...he was just going to feed it to the dogs. And being a rational person he thought it best to cook her first. See! Nowhere in the article does it even mention how kind he is to animals. Still, despite his probable affiliation with PETA, I think that Jose Luis Calva should be the first person we sentence to being eaten!


**"Excuses, Excuses, Excuses..."**

Now it's not like Calva needed to take the wrap for this murder/cannibalism. I guess when cornered, certain people just lack the necessary skills of having a good excuse. Or better yet, an alibi. He could have easily gone the route of Denver woman Brenda Hernandez who was accused of the attempted murder of her three children, ages 2, 3 and 7. Hernandez tried to drown her children in the bathtub, but luckily the police were called to her apartment by the aunt, and Brenda was arrested.

But you gotta give it up to Brenda! When the police knocked on the door, she was extremely deceitful by calling out: "No one's here. Go away." Then, when taken into custody Hernandez claimed that she was Christ. Yeah...and her three children were the anti-Christ. Sooooo, I guess I spoke too quickly when I said that "luckily" the police were called to her apartment. Because right now those three anti-Christs are walking around free in Denver. This would be a real bad instance of I-Told-You-So if those kids start wrecking havoc on the earth and destroying cities in pillars of fire.

Sometimes people are just caught with their pants down, so to speak. Or even completely speak. That seems to be the case for Dr. Mark Anderson, a dentist in Woodland, CA. Dr. Anderson has been accused of fondling the breasts of 27 female patients. And while nothing gets me in the mood for some feeling-up more than scraping plaque off of a few molars (just ask Mrs. Shoes), I think the good dentist had better come up with a valid excuse. And apparently he has!

Mark Anderson's lawyer says dental journals discuss the need to massage the pectoral muscles to treat a common jaw problem.

Police say Anderson said during recorded phone calls that he routinely massaged patients' chests to treat temporo-mandibular joint disorder, or TMJ, which causes neck and head pain.

You might be surprised, but that line has actually worked for me in the bar-scene, too. After getting slapped for sticking my hand up random girl's shirts, I would say, "Baby, please. I'm not trying to feel your hooters. I'm just trying to help relieve your tempero-mandibular joint disorder." Yeah, a big smile and a few shots of tequila later and most of those girls didn't have no more TMJ problems, I assure you that!

So maybe Dr. Anderson didn't need to use the excuse of calling himself Christ. And maybe we'll all be sorry someday when we start praying to Christ, er, Brenda Hernandez for forgiveness. I guess the bottom line is that sometimes it's just best to turn to the Lord in dire circumstances. Turn to the Good Book people!! Just like James Lee Sheppard, a county jailer in Mankato, MN. Last February, surveillance video showed Sheppard approaching an inmate who was reading the Bible in his cell. Sheppard then grabbed the Bible from the inmate and started to hit him with it, before grabbing him by the throat and slamming him against the bars. As it stands I don't think there's a crime for assault with the word of God, so Sheppard plead guilty to misdemeanor fifth-degree assault.

But finally I want to end with the continuing adventures of our good friend Senator Larry Craig. If you recall (not only from an earlier blog post titled "The Simple, Easy, It's All Coincidence, No-Duh Defense of Senator Larry Craig"), Senator Craig was arrested in a Minneapolis bathroom stall for attempting to solicit sex. He pled guilty to disorderly conduct, and then vowed to resign from the Senate because of the scandal. Well, since then Craig has rescinded his resignation and now vows to finish out his Seante term. And while his excuse isn't quite as elaborate as Ms. Hernandez's claim to be Christ, the conservative Senator from Idaho is going to the Minnesota Court of Appeals to say that the state's disorderly conduct law is unconstitutional as it applies to his conviction.

If you remember, Senator Craig was arrested by an undercover police officer after Craig made foot-tapping gestures in the stall that correspond with known gestures used by men trying to solicit sex in the bathrooms. His feet also rubbed up against the officer in the next stall, but Craig's perfectly understandable excuse was that he has a wide stance. He also was said to have swiped his hand under the stall - another indicator of wanting sex - but Craig claims that he was just picking up some toilet paper that had fallen to the floor. All good excuses!!

And this time Senator Craig has people on his side. Long-time friends of the conservative party, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), agrees with him. And I think the ACLU has the best excuse yet. They claim that all of these things Craig did in the bathroom are protected under the 1st Amendment of the Constitution, which gurantees freedom of speech. Fuck yeah it does!! (See, the 1st Amendment at work again.)