The Simple, Easy, It's All Coincidence, No-Duh Defense of Senator Larry Craig

I have to say that I just don't understand what all the curfuffle is about regarding Seantor Larry Craig (R-Idaho, shown above looking like James Cromwell). He's an upstanding Senator that promotes family values every time he's up for re-election, and that needs to be commended. I mean, just look at how happy his wife looks standing next to him at this news conference (see above picture). If that's not a well-balanced supportive smile on her face then I guess I just haven't ever seen one.

In case this story is all new to you, here's the short version of it. Senator Craig travels to Minneapolis quite often for work. While at the airport he had to use the bathroom. He sat down and his foot rubbed up against the foot of the guy in the stall next to him. Next thing you know, he's getting arrested for trying to elicit sex in a public bathroom because the guy's foot he rubbed against was an undercover police officer.

I don't know about you, but it all seems pretty innocent to me! In fact, Senator Craig made his case quite clear during the recorded interview at the police station. The full transcript is online, but here are some snippets from it:

Senator Larry Craig (LC): "...Your foot came toward mine, mine came towards yours, was that natural? I don't know. Did we bump? Yes. I think we did. You said so. I don't disagree with that."
Seargent Dave Karsinia (DK): "Okay. I don't want to get into a pissing match here."
LC: "We're not going to."
DK: "Good. Um."
LC: "I don't, ah, I am not gay. I don't do these kinds of things, and..."
DK: "It doesn't matter. I don't care about your sexual preference or anything like that....Um, I don't care about your sexual preference."
LC: "I know you don't. You're out to enforce the law."
DK: "Right."
LC: "But you shouldn't be out to entrap people either."

You see! Sen. Craig says so right in the interview that he's not gay. This is just a misunderstanding. And I can completely understand him, too. See, I'm also a big foot-tapper while going to the bathroom. Usually I'll have on my iPod so that I don't get bored and when I hear 'The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You' by Gloria Estefan start playing in my random list, there's no way to stop my toes from a-tappin'. And yeah, every once in awhile my feet might bump up agaisnt the guy sitting in the stall next to me. But that's not unusual. It's not like there's a lot of room in those stalls. Not to mention that Seantor Craig seems to have the same sort of wide-stance issue that I have. In fact, he explained it better than I can:

DK: "Okay. And when you went in the stalls, then what?"
LC: "Sat down."
DK: "Okay. Did you do anything with your feet?"
LC: "Positioned them, I don't know. I don't know at the time. I'm a fairly wide guy."
DK: "I understand."
LC: "I had to spread my legs."
DK: "Okay."
LC: "When I lower my pants so they won't slide."
DK: "Okay."
LC: "Did I slide them too close to yours? Did I, I looked down once, your foot was close to mine."
DK: "Yes."
LC: "Did we bump? Ah, you said so, I don't recall that, but apparently we were close."
DK: "Yeah, well your foot did touch mine, on my side of the stall."
LC: "All right."

Wow. Score one for Senator Craig, am I right? I know all about being the victim of a wide stance. Those stalls in public bathrooms can barely contain me sometimes. If my feet bump against someone else's in the stall next to me, on their side of the divider, it's just natural because I, too, hate when my pants slide. I need them pulled taut so I have to spread my legs wide. I know he and I aren't alone in this.

So, is that all they have on the good Senator? An oopsie on foot-bumping in the stalls of a public bathroom? An area that just happens to be so overridden with people soliciting sex in just such a manner that the police actually send undercover agents into the airport bathrooms? Just because every other person trying to solicit sex in a bathroom does so in the exact same manner that Senator Craig was accidently doing naturally because he's a "wide guy" doesn't constitute probable cause, I wouldn't think.

Ok, let me just say that yes, Senator Craig dropped some toilet paper onto the floor and picked it up. How, I ask you, is that a big deal? First of all, I'm a butterfingers type of guy and I drop toilet paper all the time. And being the obsessive-compulsive that I am I feel the need to pick it up even (and especially) off of the floor of a public airport bathroom. It's not like the floor's dirty or anything. Come on, what are we talking about here?! It's just the immediate area of the floor located around the base of a public toilet!! Certainly nothing disgusting about that. And it's not like he was grabbing on to the bottom of the stall between the two men was it? No! Just listen:

DK: "Okay, and then with the hand. Um, how many times did you put your hand under the stall?"
LC: "I don't recall. I remember reaching down once. There was a piece of toilet paper back behind me and picking it up."
DK: "Okay. Was your...was your palm down or up when you were doing that?"
LC: "I don't recall."
DK: "Okay. I recall your palm being up. Okay."
LC: "All right."

(Just a little side-note here: Ummm, what's the difference? Some people reach down to grab things off of the floor with their palms down, intending to grasp the item and pull it towards them. That doesn't mean everyone has to do it that way, does it? Me, I actually lick the back of my hand, turn the palm up and place the wetted end against the paper on the floor. It's just simpler...palm-up doesn't mean that you're looking for something to be placed in it or to give off a signal or anything. And hey, let's not forget that he's being very enviro-friendly at the moment. I mean the EASY and wasteful thing for him to do would have been to just pull off new toilet paper from the roll. But not this guy. He gets it. He cares. Ok, moving on....)

DK: "And I know it's hard to describe here on tape but actually what I saw was your fingers come underneath the stalls, you're actually ta touching the bottom of the stall divider."
LC: "I don't recall that."
DK: "You don't recall."
LC: "I don't believe I did that. I don't."
DK: "I saw. I saw."
LC: "I don't do those things."

Ummmm. Did I say something about him not grabbing onto the bottom of the stall? Ok, never...never mind about that part. It's not even important. Regardless, a lot of times I actually tend to lose my balance (especially when reaching palm-up to grab a piece of toilet paper off of the floor behind me). I certainly don't want to fall off the toilet, I mean how embarassing is that? Not to mention that it's the floor of a public bathroom! *cringe* So grabbing onto the bottom of the stall is no cause for alarm, that's for sure.

So where did we leave off in our defense of Seantor Larry Craig? I mean he just said that he doesn't "do those things." And by those things, he means grabbing onto the stalls next to him right? Ok good. So here we go:

DK: "I saw your left hand and I could see the gold wedding ring when it went across. I could see that. On your left hand, I could see that."
LC: "Wait a moment. My left hand was over here."
DK: "I saw there's a..."
LC: "My right hand was next to you."
DK: "I could tell it with my ah, I could tell it was your left hand because your thumb was positioned in a faceward motion. Your thumb was on this side, not on this side."
LC: "Well, we can dispute that. I'm not going to fight you in court and I, I reached down with my right hand to pick up the paper."
DK: "But I'm telling you that I could see that, so I know that's your left hand. Also, I could see a gold ring on this finger, so that's obvious it was the left hand."
LC: "Yeah, okay. My left hand was in the direct opposite of the stall from you."

Again, does not everyone see what's going on here? I hate when I miss getting down to the gym, and it happens mostly when I'm travelling a lot. So here's Senator Craig in the Minneapolis airport and he drops a piece of toilet paper off of his right side between the stall next to the guy whose foot he's bumping up against. Check. And rather than reach down, palm-up, with his closer hand it's a much more effective workout to reach across your body with your left hand. It really works the abs and is very similar to doing crunches. I happen to do that all the time in bathrooms. Sit down. Reach across my body to the floor of the stall opposite. Pick up toilet paper. Repeat. It's a great little workout to keep in mind for those of you who are travelling a lot.

So, I ask again, what's the big curfuffle? I mean clearly this 62-year old Seantor from Idaho isn't gay. He doesn't do those things. He said so in the interview. Does it really matter that he plead guilty to the charge of disorderly conduct after the interview? Undoubtedly, no! It was simply bad judgment to plead guilty. It could have happened to any innocent person after sitting down thru a calm, low-pressure interview like that. And when you know that you're innocent and that there's just been an obvious misunderstanding, of course you're going to accidently plead guilty. There's a big Oops! I mean, who hasn't this happened to? It was only a matter of time before it happened to a man who prides his campaigns on pure family values, right?

All I know is that Senator Larry Craig still has my support, and more importantly my vote! (pending that I ever insanely pick up and move to Idaho)