Kansas vs. Baylor in Lawrence, KS. KU won 58-10 to improve to 6-0 on the season.****************************************
**The Twilight Zone**
Things may be coming to an end, folks. I don't mean to be an alarmist, but...VERY SOON THE WORLD IS GOING TO END IN A RAGING FIRE, CONSUMING ALL AND STRIKING DOWN THE WICKED!!
Ok, so maybe I'm slightly overreacting (a bit). But there certainly are some crazy things afoot in the world and it all hits home when I see that my beloved Kansas Jayhawks are ranked #15 in both the current AP & Coaches polls....ummm, no, not in basketball. But in football!! KU is also ranked #13 in the BCS Poll. Does this mean that the Jayhawks could win a national title in football before they do in basketball?? If only the drunk Wisconsin fan from my fishing trip (see the 'Fishing vs. Football' blog post) was here now. "Where is Kansas?" he asked. Well, right now we're 6-0 and wayyyyyy ahead of Wisonsin who is no longer even ranked. I don't know much, but I know that! This is why I love when people get into arguments over whose favorite team is better. You might as well be arguing what's really inside a tub of 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.' Then what the hell is it?!?!
When a KU football team becomes 6-0, ranked ahead of USC & Florida in the BCS poll, what kind of world are we living in? Is it the nexus of the universe, like Kramer on 'Seinfeld' when he found himself at the corner of 1st and 1st? Or are we in some kind of 'Twilight Zone' episode, like the one where little Anthony ruled the adults in his household with the fear of sending them into the cornfield?
(someone's nostalgic take on the Twilight Zone episode:)
"It's good what you done Anthony. It's real good."
**The Bartending Diaries...**
While I'm searching for stories to add into the blog I separate them into categories, and see where they naturally fall. Some of them are made for the "Hangover Havens" or "The Bartending Diaries"...or even "God in the News." But again, it's that Twilight Zone set of circumstances when the stories tend to fall into all 3!!
This past Saturday I bartended a party at this couple's house in Hinsdale. Upon walking into the house my first thought was that some little girl's Easy Bake Oven had just exploded. There wasn't a 6 square-inch spot on the wall, in any room of the house, that was left bare. Pictures, paintings, shelving with knick-knacks; rooms decorated like red-and-white checkered picnic blankets; doll-houses acted as the bases of coffee tables; glass-doored cabinets hung on the walls, and encased in them were 100s of tiny figurines: horses, dolphins...and even miniature glass-doored cabinets, which almost made me pass out trying to peer into infinity. Even in the bathroom I was afraid of which hand-towel I was supposed to use. There were 6 to choose from, hanging from little racks on the wall, all of them different colors. Luckily, they were all stitched with the word "Guest" on them. Phew! I'm not sure which hand-towels the owners of the house used, but I try not to think too hard on it. Still, I feared that if I stayed in this house for too long I would end up as just another figurine, lost in this crazy lady's house of organized trinkets.
The party at least turned out to be somewhat normal. They were only serving appetizers, so it seemed a bit odd that around 100 guests showed up - the ladies wearing cocktail dresses and the men were in suits and ties - as if it were a formal gathering. I felt as if I was at the 50-year reunion of a Young Republican's Club: everyone was old, white and - with the choices of an entire open bar - drinking copious amounts of white wine...yes, the men, too.
I suppose it could have been a lot worse, though. At least I didn't have any guests at this party approach me with the insane rantings that I heard while recently working a party on the northwest side of Chicago. This is where "The Bartending Diaries" meets "God in the News" and that's never a good combo, is it?
It was a backyard family party thrown for a kid who had just graduated high school. Or maybe it wasn't just a family party? I'm only assuming so because of the 40 people at the party the kid only invited 3 friends. Maybe that's all he had? I know that's sort of mean-spirited to suggest, but it did kind of make sense when I saw another young kid show up completely overdressed in a suit and tie. As I poured the guests their drinks I watched as the overdressed kid walked randomly up to people and asked them if they'd like to see a card trick. Whoa!! Nerd Alert!!
Now, if he had been attending Washington State University he might even have been purchased! That's right, there was talk of hosting a "Nerd Auction" for sorority girls. Ben Ford, president of the Linux Users Group at Washington State, was promoting the idea that:
Things may be coming to an end, folks. I don't mean to be an alarmist, but...VERY SOON THE WORLD IS GOING TO END IN A RAGING FIRE, CONSUMING ALL AND STRIKING DOWN THE WICKED!!
Ok, so maybe I'm slightly overreacting (a bit). But there certainly are some crazy things afoot in the world and it all hits home when I see that my beloved Kansas Jayhawks are ranked #15 in both the current AP & Coaches polls....ummm, no, not in basketball. But in football!! KU is also ranked #13 in the BCS Poll. Does this mean that the Jayhawks could win a national title in football before they do in basketball?? If only the drunk Wisconsin fan from my fishing trip (see the 'Fishing vs. Football' blog post) was here now. "Where is Kansas?" he asked. Well, right now we're 6-0 and wayyyyyy ahead of Wisonsin who is no longer even ranked. I don't know much, but I know that! This is why I love when people get into arguments over whose favorite team is better. You might as well be arguing what's really inside a tub of 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.' Then what the hell is it?!?!
When a KU football team becomes 6-0, ranked ahead of USC & Florida in the BCS poll, what kind of world are we living in? Is it the nexus of the universe, like Kramer on 'Seinfeld' when he found himself at the corner of 1st and 1st? Or are we in some kind of 'Twilight Zone' episode, like the one where little Anthony ruled the adults in his household with the fear of sending them into the cornfield?
(someone's nostalgic take on the Twilight Zone episode:)
"It's good what you done Anthony. It's real good."
**The Bartending Diaries...**
While I'm searching for stories to add into the blog I separate them into categories, and see where they naturally fall. Some of them are made for the "Hangover Havens" or "The Bartending Diaries"...or even "God in the News." But again, it's that Twilight Zone set of circumstances when the stories tend to fall into all 3!!
This past Saturday I bartended a party at this couple's house in Hinsdale. Upon walking into the house my first thought was that some little girl's Easy Bake Oven had just exploded. There wasn't a 6 square-inch spot on the wall, in any room of the house, that was left bare. Pictures, paintings, shelving with knick-knacks; rooms decorated like red-and-white checkered picnic blankets; doll-houses acted as the bases of coffee tables; glass-doored cabinets hung on the walls, and encased in them were 100s of tiny figurines: horses, dolphins...and even miniature glass-doored cabinets, which almost made me pass out trying to peer into infinity. Even in the bathroom I was afraid of which hand-towel I was supposed to use. There were 6 to choose from, hanging from little racks on the wall, all of them different colors. Luckily, they were all stitched with the word "Guest" on them. Phew! I'm not sure which hand-towels the owners of the house used, but I try not to think too hard on it. Still, I feared that if I stayed in this house for too long I would end up as just another figurine, lost in this crazy lady's house of organized trinkets.
The party at least turned out to be somewhat normal. They were only serving appetizers, so it seemed a bit odd that around 100 guests showed up - the ladies wearing cocktail dresses and the men were in suits and ties - as if it were a formal gathering. I felt as if I was at the 50-year reunion of a Young Republican's Club: everyone was old, white and - with the choices of an entire open bar - drinking copious amounts of white wine...yes, the men, too.
I suppose it could have been a lot worse, though. At least I didn't have any guests at this party approach me with the insane rantings that I heard while recently working a party on the northwest side of Chicago. This is where "The Bartending Diaries" meets "God in the News" and that's never a good combo, is it?
It was a backyard family party thrown for a kid who had just graduated high school. Or maybe it wasn't just a family party? I'm only assuming so because of the 40 people at the party the kid only invited 3 friends. Maybe that's all he had? I know that's sort of mean-spirited to suggest, but it did kind of make sense when I saw another young kid show up completely overdressed in a suit and tie. As I poured the guests their drinks I watched as the overdressed kid walked randomly up to people and asked them if they'd like to see a card trick. Whoa!! Nerd Alert!!
Now, if he had been attending Washington State University he might even have been purchased! That's right, there was talk of hosting a "Nerd Auction" for sorority girls. Ben Ford, president of the Linux Users Group at Washington State, was promoting the idea that:
"You can buy a nerd and he'll fix your computer, help you with stats homework, or if you're really adventurous, take you to dinner!"...and perhaps ask if you've ever seen a certain card trick before. Chicks always fall for that! Now I don't know if this makes it better for the graduate or not, but as it turns out the suit-wearing kid was actually a magician hired for the event....of 40 people....at a high school graduation party. Yeah, a kid doing card tricks. Need I say more?
It was about an hour into the party when one of the older guests walked up and ordered a screwdriver. Easy enough, vodka and orange juice. I pour the vodka and when I reach for the OJ, that's when he turned into a true pleasure...
Guest: "Is that California orange juice or Florida orange juice?"I'm not lying here when I say that for the remainder of the night, this guest - who was maybe the kid's grandpa? or great-uncle? - sat by himself in the corner of the yard, drinking his vodka-cranberry. Everyone has the right to believe what they want to; however, I'm sorry, but since no one can claim to know with 100% certainty which religion is correct...or even if there is a God...then people need to stop condemning others to Hell. That's my new rule...especially in a bar, or a backyard. Or pretty much anywhere. All of the anti-Semitic remarks aside, I never bothered to ask him if he was sure that the cranberries in that juice he was drinking didn't also come from California. Oh, the irony! Well, if he was right about one thing it's that you can't argue with fact. And I think it's safe to assume that it's a fact that he probably didn't have 20 years left anyway to wait for the poisoned fruit to kill him. Now I'm not wishing him ill-will, but I was certainly hoping that the magician could make him disappear. But he couldn't...what a fraud!
Shoes: "I really don't have any idea. It's Tropicana."
Guest: "Oh, that's California. I won't drink that."
Shoes: "I'm sorry?"
Guest: "Don't you know that California oranges are loaded with chemicals that are poisoning us? All of the produce that comes out of California is getting poisoned with these chemicals. If you eat just one, you're fine...but if you eat them for 20 years it builds up and it's killing people."
Shoes: "You're kidding, right?"
Guest: "This is all the truth. And you can't ask doctors about it, either."
Shoes: "Becaauussssse...?"
Guest: "The doctors all know about this. Look it up, it's fact. But there's nothing they can do about it, so they don't tell anyone."
Shoes: "About the oranges."
Guest: "Yes. It's fact. And you can't argue with fact. There's only one other thing you can't argue with, and it's fact, too. You know what that is?"
Shoes: "I'm kind of afraid to ask."
Guest: "The Bible."
Shoes: "Ah....Did you want, like, cranberry juice with the vodka then?"
Guest: "Sure. You know you can't argue with the Bible because it's fact." (He leans in towards me...) "Come here for a second."
Shoes: (I play along and lean in to hear him) "Here's your drink."
Guest: "Do you know who the last people are going to be getting into Heaven?"
Shoes: "I'm going to go out on a limb here, because I have a good idea where you're going with this....but I'm going to say me! I'm pretty sure I'll be the last one in."
Guest: "The Jews."
Shoes: (sighs heavily)
Guest: "You see, the Jews don't believe in Jesus Christ, and that's what gets you into Heaven."
Shoes: "That's it? Not even if I like save a bunch of kids' lives from a burning building on my way home tonight? That won't get me in?"
Guest: "It's in the Bible. And it's fact. You can't argue with fact."
Shoes: "No. I guess you can't."
**The Hangover Haven...God-Style!**
Now I don't know if this party guest woke up with a hangover or not, but I'm pretty sure that he didn't feel one bit sorry for the comments he made to me. In fact he probably thought he was saving me. How sweet of him - somebody should (or needs to). But at least he was pretty much confined to a backyard, and left to sit by himself with his thoughts. It gets worse when things are said by public figures.
"I SAID WHAT?!"
For those of you who don't know Ann Coulter, she's a very prominent, right-wing, ultra-Conservative columnist/author who spreads a wonderfully joyous message of good will, peace, prosperity and - above all - tolerance! Oh yes, she does so in her books. And you can tell how open-minded and well-balanced she is from the title of her new enlightening book If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans.
So, I guess it comes as a major, shocking surprise when Ann Coulter (or Coultergeist, as Keith Olbermann is prone to calling her) goes out to promote her book and just says the most insanely disrespectful and ludicrous things:
But it certainly helps her promote her book, that's for sure! Nothing like stirring up controversy in order to sell a few extra copies, and to make a few bucks. Now, I know that a lot of people have viewed her comments as anti-Semitic...and I'm not sure I entirely agree with that assessment. It's not so much that she hates Jews, or wants them killed, it's just that she's so blinded by her own elitist views that her capacity for tolerance is nil. She loves to talk of the country's founders and their ideals of freedom to practice any religion...but when called into action on that, she succumbs to the weakened view of 'I'm right and you're wrong...and I wish I could change you to make you more like me.' Trust me Ann: no one wants to be like you.
On top of all her superiority-complexes and elitist views, I still think my favorite part once again describes the fabric of these ultra-Conservatives to a T. Just as Laura Ingraham (as shown in "The Hangover Haven, Chapter 1") believes that the fictional television show '24' provides a referendum for the U.S. to torture people - seriously, she said that! - Ann Coulter takes to 'Seinfeld' to provide the evidence for her arguments:
Coulter: "You walk past a mixed-race couple in New York, and it's like they have a chip on their shoulder, waiting for somebody to say something, as if anybody would."
Donny Deutsch: "I don't agree with that at all. Maybe you have the chip looking at them, I don't know. I see a lot of inter-racial couples and I don't see any more or less chips there either way."
Coulter: "No. In fact there was an entire Seinfeld episode about Elaine and her boyfriend dating because they wanted to be a mixed-race couple. So you're lying."
Deutsch: "Oh, because it's in a Seinfeld episode. Ok."
She did come back on the program though, after the commercial break, trying to defend her comments...and only made herself look even worse:
Coulter explains herself
Isn't it bad enough that she apparently speaks for all Christians and says "We just want Jews to be perfected"? Nope! Not good enough for Coultergeist though. She then tries to defend her comments using (what to her is) rational thought. Her complete lack of self-awareness is amazing. Her unwavering belief that her's is the only opinion worth hearing and believing in is the epitomy of ignorance. And Deutsch nailed it when he called her on it:
Coulter explains herself
Isn't it bad enough that she apparently speaks for all Christians and says "We just want Jews to be perfected"? Nope! Not good enough for Coultergeist though. She then tries to defend her comments using (what to her is) rational thought. Her complete lack of self-awareness is amazing. Her unwavering belief that her's is the only opinion worth hearing and believing in is the epitomy of ignorance. And Deutsch nailed it when he called her on it:
Deutsch: "Your exact words were 'Jews need to be perfected.'"Amen, brother!
Coulter: "No, I'm saying that's what a Christian is."
Deutsch: "Don't you see how hateful and anti-Semitic..."
Coulter: "Nooooooo."
Deutsch: "You're an educated woman."
Coulter: "That isn't hateful at alllll."
Deutsch: "Well, that's even a scarier thought."
But is any of it shocking? Didn't I warn you at the top of this post that the world is ending soon? This is the end of days people!! Things couldn't be crazier!! We're at the corner of 1st and 1st in New York City with Kramer!! The Kansas Jayhawks' football team is 6-0 and poised to make a run at a possible berth in a BCS bowl game. Dogs and cats...living together!! High school graduates are now hiring magicians to work the crowd at their parties. It's crazy bedlam!! We're in 'The Twilight Zone' people. And this must mean that we need to placate the lunatics in charge: "What you said was good Ann. Hating liberals and blacks and Jews is good...real good!!" It's mass hysteria!! Judgment Day cometh, and it cometh soon...eth.
And when the sooneth becomes now then all of the righteous believers will be saved, while everyone else will perish and spend eternity burning in Hell! And this has to be true...because people like the Pope, Ann Coulter and crazy old men who don't eat fruit from California say so!!
SO I TELL ALL OF YOU NOW, REPENT AND A-.......Wait. Sorry, what was that? The Cubs made the playoffs but lost? Oh. Right. Then, never mind all of that. Everything's fine and the world's normal. My bad.
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