Hangover Haven, Chapter 1

"Oh, no more yanky my wanky...

the Donger need food!"

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When it comes to having recurring segments on 'The Half-Life of Shoes', it only makes sense to examine the many stupid things that people say and do. Just like waking with a hangover after a torrid night of drinking and realizing the silly things you did the previous night, this is dedicated to all the moments of clarity that must (or hopefully) follow the insane things that people say or do in the heat of the moment.

"I SAID WHAT?"

Given that Mrs. Shoes and I are rapidly approaching our 1st wedding anniversary, is there any more romantic and appropriate place to begin other than in Germany, where politician Gabriele Pauli has an interesting idea on what that perfect gift for your spouse should be to celebrate the blessed 7-year wedding anniversary? Now, the traditional gift for 7 years is copper: so perhaps copper-engraved divorce papers?! Awhhhh, honey you shouldn't have.... Yep, she wants to campaign on the idea that marriages should expire after 7 years! Of course, after that time couples could then decide to extend the marriage if they really want to or just let it dissolve.

OK, so Pauli is 50 years old and has been divorced twice: she's speaking from experience here! And while some in the German parliament have compared her idea to "the dirt under your fingernails", I'm assuming that it's simply the dirt that builds up under your nails from excessively scratching that annoying 7-year itch. In fact, I'd love to see future engagement rings stamped like beef with "Best If Used By Sept. 25th, 2014."

Just think: the knowledge alone that an engagement ring is only good for a certain period of time might have helped out Luke Jacunski, as he proposed last Saturday to his girlfriend in Central Park in New York City... and then got mugged!! I'm not kidding - why would I make this up? He might have been able to say: "Take my watch and the cash, but this ring is useless - it's about to expire anyway!"

"I SAID WHAT?"

It certainly seems as if Gabriele Pauli is trying to initiate kooky legislation based upon her own personal issues, but she doesn't appear to be alone in suggesting such baseless ideas. Conservative radio talk show host Laura Ingraham is in the Alberto Gonzales camp of torture-is-ok-as-long-as-it-isn't-MY-toenails, and while most people realize how horrible torturing someone is (not to mention the Geneva Conventions), Ms. Ingraham thinks she has finally found a mandate for her beliefs:


Ahhhh, the logic of the fact-based reality show "24". Wait, "24" is a fictional show?!? Quick! Someone had better warn Laura Ingraham against taking that detour into a darkly painetd half-oval on the side of a mountain then: It's NOT really a tunnel! It's TV!

Not to pick on Ingraham completely, but this is the same person who - as illustrated above - can only make sound judgments on issues if affected by them personally. Putting herself in someone else's Shoes (so to speak) is not really her forte. From a Wikipedia excerpt:

According to David Brock, in his 2002 book Blinded by the Right, Ingraham, while writing for The Dartmouth Review in the mid-1980s, once attended meetings of a gay student organization for the purpose of publicly outing them in the newspaper. Ingraham secretly taped a meeting of the Gay Students Association, then published the transcript, identifying students by name and calling them "sodomites".

A decade later, on February 23, 1997, however, Ingraham wrote an essay in the Washington Post in which she announced significant changes in how she views gays and lesbians. This was motivated primarily by her experience with one of her brothers rumored to have been estranged from her for a time after the gay student group controversy, as he cared for his ailing partner:

"In the ten years since I learned one of my brothers was gay, my views and rhetoric about homosexuals have been tempered... because I have seen him and his partner of 14 years, lead their lives with dignity, fidelity and courage."

Wow! How big of her to temper her views and rhetoric about homosexuals, only after seeing her brother act like a human being. I mean, who would have guessed that a gay person can not only act like a human being but in fact is a human being. I guess that Laura's epiphany almost makes up for her earlier public outings of students. Can you feel the hate? Er, I mean love. There's nothing like basing your entire social belief system on a tv show and a personal relationship with a single gay person. Ah, the broader view of things as always.

"I SAID WHAT?"

Which reminds me of the infinite "wisdom" of Pat Robertson. There's nothing like denying Global Warming exists until it actually affects you personally. You know, in such craaaaaaazy, wacky ways as summer months being warmer than winter months:


I love the continual denial of all the scientific research done on the subject.... only to finally embrace it when your creamsicle melts on the sidewalk in July. Apparently Global Warming = "Damn, it's hot today!"

"I DID WHAT?"

And speaking of hot days, the summer is a-coming to a close. We've been in the 90s for about a week but autumn draws near and the temps will begin to fall. So as the baseball playoffs are shaping up and the Cubs may even have a spot in the postseason, I'll end this Hangover Haven with a note on how to prevent your child from getting the crap beat out of them as they grow up and attend school: Don't give them funny names! Example: If your last name is Freely, don't name your kid with the initials I.P. And for God's sake if your last name is Hunt, then no matter how hysterical you think it is, naming them Mike is not a smart choice.

But how do you condemn a couple of Chicago Cubs fans, who happen to have the last name Fields? They're gearing up for the playoffs and the wife gives birth to a healthy baby boy. And then they name their newborn son... you guessed it: Wrigley. They named the boy Wrigley Fields. Nothing like naming your child after the ballpark that is home to one of the losingest franchises in sports history. In fact, it gives me a great idea for a baby's name should Mr. & Mrs. Shoes ever need to pick one: Titanic.