The End of Times: Donnie Darko, Merle Haggard and the Red Sox

THE WORLD IS ENDING!!

It's a good thing that I don't make that claim lightly. I wait until all the facts are in, then I evaluate them before making my Armageddon-ish predictions. It's not like I go around declaring the Apocalypse every week.... Then again, it's not every week that I hear that the world will end from a 6-foot tall rabbit, either, like Donnie Darko did:

Ok, so maybe the rabbit is wrong and we have more than 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds left after all. But don't come crying to me for more time on November 27th at 7:40 and 12 seconds p.m. C.S.T.. (holy crap, that's my birthday...now it really IS getting eerie.)


**Advice Columns: "Dear Merle..."**

So on what factual basis do I base my claim that the world is ending? For starters, MSN is now posting articles about life advice from 70-year old country singers. "What I've Learned: Merle Haggard" tells us such pearls of wisdom as:

"We weren't thieves by nature. Pranksters. Practical jokers. We were without a car one time, Dean Holloway and I. We just went out and started borrowing cars. Sometimes we'd bring 'em back. Put gas in 'em. Clean 'em up. Leave a little note: THANKS FOR THE CAR. Like the Phantom."

and...

"Willie Nelson is an idol for me. The music is sort of immaterial. Willie is seventy-four. A lot of people don't realize how healthy he is. He doesn't eat any strict diet. But he doesn't eat very much of anything. He understands the value of water."

Do the munchies not count as eating? But then there's always...

"I probably had as bad a sex urge as anybody when I was younger. I remember an old guitar player, Eldon Shamblin, told me, 'When you get p**** off your mind, you can go ahead and learn something.' Isn't that great?"

Yeah. It's really inspiring. But I do like his comments about the next Presidential election:

"I don't look for a politician to bullsh** his way in this time."

And maybe Merle Haggard has got a good point (which is something I never thought I would ever utter in all my living years). But, politicians shouldn't be able to BS their way into office. So how do I know that the world is ending? Maybe it's the sad fact that Presidential candidates are now getting questioned in debates about whether or not they've seen a UFO!! (click here for the article)

Yeah, apparently Democratic candidate Dennis Kucinich is 100% certain that he has seen an Unidentified Flying Object. It's tough to argue with him though. Maybe alien life forms have given him strange and awesome powers, while still keeping him from breaking the 5-foot mark. Hell, it would certainly explain how he was able to woo his wife into marrying him!! Here's a picture of Dennis Kucinich (clearly standing on a stool) and his uber-hot wife, Elizabeth:

Although, Jason Jones of 'The Daily Show' had the best take on it, calling her a FLILF:

"It's an acronym....also a palindrome."


**Beantown: #1 Again?!**

So you want more proof that the world is ending? "Dear Merle" and FLILFs aren't enough for you? Well, how about this: the Boston Red Sox won the World Series again this past Sunday. That's the 2nd time that the "loveable losers" have won the Series in the last 4 years, after having suffered 86 years of Championship futility. This can't be right! The Red Sox won the Series....again!!!???

But I think what I find funniest is that Boston fans, after feeling bitter for soooo long thru the years of chokes and heartbreaks, have somehow managed to still remain bitter even after their recent successes. Boston fans, for some unknown reason, still want to be viewed as the "loveable losers" and have a hard time coping with the fact that when the "loser" prefix gets dropped from the title, so too does "loveable".

So, amidst all of the celebrations in Boston, why is it so hard for their fans ('Red Sox Nation') to just accept who they really are now? They've cast aside the shadow of "loveable losers" and are quickly disrobing the New York Yankees and donning the cloak themselves as the next "Empire". They're probably only one more title away from becoming known as the "Evil Empire" as well.

Back in '04, when the Sox won their 1st Series (after 86 years) everyone was rooting for them. They came back in record-setting style. Now, just 3 short years later the Sox won the Series again, this time over the Colorado Rockies. However, here in '07, a recent poll shows that 3-out-of-4 people (75%) were pulling for the Rockies to win. (Of course that poll was conducted by me, and I only asked 4 people......but I think it's still a fair representation of the amount of people who actually watched the World Series outside of Boston & Denver.)

So why the downfall in polularity? People love to root for the underdog, and that no longer applies to Boston. The Sox are now the favorites to win every year. They are now the Goliath of baseball: the big, bad giant who is invulnerable (except to very small boys with slingshots). And how do those who hail from Boston feel about it? Here's one man's opinion, and I'll keep his name secret...although he knows who he is:

"You know, fuck everybody who says the Sox are the new Goliath. They still play in one of the smallest parks in the league and it's not their fault if they're outsmarting everyone in terms of marketing and squeezing every last cent out of that place. Sure, they have NESN but plenty of other teams have regional deals with ownership of cable stations. Sure they overspend at times but who were the real stars of that playoff run? Pedroia, Paplebon, Ellsbury, Youkilis: all home-grown talent. The key is to mix free agent signings with guys off the farm. The only free agents that were not on the team in '04 that really contributed were Lowell, Okajima (2 mill I think), and Beckett. We'll see about Dice-K.

"As a prototypical provincial Masshole, I didn't want anybody on the bandwagon anyway.

"Eat it haters, EAT IT!!"

Jeeeeez....... Got Bitter? EAT IT???

The Sawx did it the way it has to be done in baseball nowadays: They spent a lot of money (2nd only to the Yankees) on free agents and mixed it with some younger home-grown talent. But don't try passing off all of the success as just a bunch of kids from Southie doing the home town proud. It's not Good Will Hunting we're talking about here! I guess Beantown is going to have to somehow live with the fact that they've become what they for so long hated and tried to defeat: The Empire!

And now that the Sox won the World Series (again), just think about those promises made....if...they...could...only...win it:
(Dennis Leary is so f***ed!)


**Beware...the End of Times? ...or of Dogs?**

So maybe not everything is a sign of the Apocalypse. Even when the world is crazy (like KU being 8-0 and ranked #8 in both polls and the BCS ranking *cough*) and everything leans toward predications that we need to beware of the end of times, perhaps instead we just need to Beware of Dogs!

All I know is that if I were Michael Vick, confessed ringleader of dogfighting, I'd be keeping an eye out for any shifty-eyed canines in the neighborhood. Especially after news broke that a hunter in Iowa was shot with a rifle by his dog. The animals are revolting people! Domesticated and wild alike, they're starting to learn how to use our weapons. Did we learn nothing from "Animal Farm"? We're screwed!!!

I Fought the Law...and Got My A*s Kicked!

Everyone's Favorite Attorney: Reese Witherspoon
*****************************************

Law school takes three years to complete. Three years to learn in the ins and outs, legalities and illegalities...and all of the Latin terms that help describe why it's illegal for me to chop off someone's arm, even if I did so to use it as a paddle while guiding a home-made canoe to escape from a deserted island. Yeah, apparently that's wrong. Go figure. Dissectus Corpus my ass! But I digress....

The law can be interpreted in so many different ways that it'll make your head spin. That's what the courts are for: to interpret the laws. But the lawyers (except for the ones I know who personally keep me from being incarcerated) twist everything and turn something as simple as convicting OJ Simpson into a circus. Hell, Matlock could have gotten that one right.


**"Could you stop breathing so damn loud?"**

But not everything is so clear cut. So, while not technically against the law, it didn't stop the management of Planet Fitness gym in Wappinger Falls, NY from calling the police to escort Albert Argibay off the premises for violating the "no-grunting" policy that they have in place. He also lost his membership to the gym for breaking their rules. No grunting while working out or lifting weights. That makes sense. I'm all for it!

In fact, I'll take it a step further. It would be great if they could stop people from sweating, too. Let's be honest: it's a total slippery slope we're on here. Grunting only means that you're working hard...which leads to sweating...which leads to blurting out such phrases as "Oh man that burns!" and "Wow, you rocked that set dude!" So I'd like to see even stricter policies put in place in our gyms! Grunting is only the beginning. There should also be rules regarding no sweating, no saying stupid phrases, and above all, no high-fives or fist-bumps after bench-pressing a 3rd set. Immediate dismissal! I mean, just click here to listen to some of these guys!!


**"Fry him!!"**

So, ok maybe that wasn't truly a matter for the police to become involved. But that doesn't mean that law officers throughout the world aren't normally hard at work trying to keep all of us safe. Just look at the policeman in Cambodia who finally arrested the culprit responsible for causing a fatal motorcycle crash. The same suspect was also responsible for a separate car accident earlier this year that killed five people. Finally, this menace was taken off the streets and brought into the police station. The culprit: a cow.

For years I've been saying that cows are destructive and evil creatures...not to mention, delicious. They intentionally wander into the streets of Cambodia causing auto accidents. How can we feel safe? Well, there's only one sure-fire way that I know of to protect ourselves, and that's to institute a policy of eating our criminals! I can see the prosecuting attorneys now:

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the evidence has shown that the defendant knowingly and willfully caused the deaths of six innocent people by so-called 'wanderings' into the road. I say to you now: it is your civic DUTY to issue forth a verdict of guilty!! ...and to suggest a sentence of no less than being served medium-rare with a twice-baked potato, a side of asparagus and perhaps a nice bottle of Shirraz. Maybe a nice '92 from Sonoma? ...I'm just saying."

All I know is that when guilty verdicts come back in an era such as this, you won't hear as many people crying out: "Fry him!" Not when there are so many other better ways of preparing the guilty, other than frying.

So, if it becomes standard practice to eat the guilty - and I don't see why it shouldn't - I just hope we're selective in using that type of sentencing. It's one thing when the defendant is a cow, but we have to be careful when it's a human being -- though it would certainly give the 'an eye for an eye' system of punishment a whole new meaning. But we can't just eat anyone. While I'm sure that certain judges would revel in being able to find a purse-snatcher guilty and say, "I sentence you.....to brunch," I'm pretty sure we need to make sure that the punishment indeed fits the crime.

Case Numero Uno could very well involve Jose Luis Calva from Mexico City. He is a Mexican writer who was arrested for murdering his girlfriend. After being questioned by the police Calva confessed to killing her... "But I didn't eat her!" he claims. I don't even understand why he would have to defend himself for that. OK, so upon entering Calva's apartment they found fried human flesh on a dining table that was set with cutlery. And fine, more human flesh was in the refrigerator. And he happened to have a book titled "Cannibal Instincts."

Seems to me as if the Mexican authorities are just automatically jumping to wild conclusions. Calva simply claims that he did indeed murder his girlfriend, cut off her arm and leg so that he could dispense of it in parts, and as for cooking part of her...he was just going to feed it to the dogs. And being a rational person he thought it best to cook her first. See! Nowhere in the article does it even mention how kind he is to animals. Still, despite his probable affiliation with PETA, I think that Jose Luis Calva should be the first person we sentence to being eaten!


**"Excuses, Excuses, Excuses..."**

Now it's not like Calva needed to take the wrap for this murder/cannibalism. I guess when cornered, certain people just lack the necessary skills of having a good excuse. Or better yet, an alibi. He could have easily gone the route of Denver woman Brenda Hernandez who was accused of the attempted murder of her three children, ages 2, 3 and 7. Hernandez tried to drown her children in the bathtub, but luckily the police were called to her apartment by the aunt, and Brenda was arrested.

But you gotta give it up to Brenda! When the police knocked on the door, she was extremely deceitful by calling out: "No one's here. Go away." Then, when taken into custody Hernandez claimed that she was Christ. Yeah...and her three children were the anti-Christ. Sooooo, I guess I spoke too quickly when I said that "luckily" the police were called to her apartment. Because right now those three anti-Christs are walking around free in Denver. This would be a real bad instance of I-Told-You-So if those kids start wrecking havoc on the earth and destroying cities in pillars of fire.

Sometimes people are just caught with their pants down, so to speak. Or even completely speak. That seems to be the case for Dr. Mark Anderson, a dentist in Woodland, CA. Dr. Anderson has been accused of fondling the breasts of 27 female patients. And while nothing gets me in the mood for some feeling-up more than scraping plaque off of a few molars (just ask Mrs. Shoes), I think the good dentist had better come up with a valid excuse. And apparently he has!

Mark Anderson's lawyer says dental journals discuss the need to massage the pectoral muscles to treat a common jaw problem.

Police say Anderson said during recorded phone calls that he routinely massaged patients' chests to treat temporo-mandibular joint disorder, or TMJ, which causes neck and head pain.

You might be surprised, but that line has actually worked for me in the bar-scene, too. After getting slapped for sticking my hand up random girl's shirts, I would say, "Baby, please. I'm not trying to feel your hooters. I'm just trying to help relieve your tempero-mandibular joint disorder." Yeah, a big smile and a few shots of tequila later and most of those girls didn't have no more TMJ problems, I assure you that!

So maybe Dr. Anderson didn't need to use the excuse of calling himself Christ. And maybe we'll all be sorry someday when we start praying to Christ, er, Brenda Hernandez for forgiveness. I guess the bottom line is that sometimes it's just best to turn to the Lord in dire circumstances. Turn to the Good Book people!! Just like James Lee Sheppard, a county jailer in Mankato, MN. Last February, surveillance video showed Sheppard approaching an inmate who was reading the Bible in his cell. Sheppard then grabbed the Bible from the inmate and started to hit him with it, before grabbing him by the throat and slamming him against the bars. As it stands I don't think there's a crime for assault with the word of God, so Sheppard plead guilty to misdemeanor fifth-degree assault.

But finally I want to end with the continuing adventures of our good friend Senator Larry Craig. If you recall (not only from an earlier blog post titled "The Simple, Easy, It's All Coincidence, No-Duh Defense of Senator Larry Craig"), Senator Craig was arrested in a Minneapolis bathroom stall for attempting to solicit sex. He pled guilty to disorderly conduct, and then vowed to resign from the Senate because of the scandal. Well, since then Craig has rescinded his resignation and now vows to finish out his Seante term. And while his excuse isn't quite as elaborate as Ms. Hernandez's claim to be Christ, the conservative Senator from Idaho is going to the Minnesota Court of Appeals to say that the state's disorderly conduct law is unconstitutional as it applies to his conviction.

If you remember, Senator Craig was arrested by an undercover police officer after Craig made foot-tapping gestures in the stall that correspond with known gestures used by men trying to solicit sex in the bathrooms. His feet also rubbed up against the officer in the next stall, but Craig's perfectly understandable excuse was that he has a wide stance. He also was said to have swiped his hand under the stall - another indicator of wanting sex - but Craig claims that he was just picking up some toilet paper that had fallen to the floor. All good excuses!!

And this time Senator Craig has people on his side. Long-time friends of the conservative party, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), agrees with him. And I think the ACLU has the best excuse yet. They claim that all of these things Craig did in the bathroom are protected under the 1st Amendment of the Constitution, which gurantees freedom of speech. Fuck yeah it does!! (See, the 1st Amendment at work again.)

College Football Postseason: The Joke

Arial view of the Hoover Dam.

(Not shown: the seventy-five year old man who represents the NCAA using his finger to plug a hole near the base of the dam.)
*********************************************

I thought I'd take a break from the usual and talk about college football. Normally I don't really care for the NCAA's version of football, but now, since my Kansas Jayhawks are 7-0 - and ranked #10 in the USA Today Coaches Poll - my motivation for paying attention has suddenly increased exponentially....meaning that my attention is now more than zero.

My disdain for college fooball has always been for a multiple of reasons:

a) I live in the heart of Big 10 "Country" yet I am not a fan of the Big 10 Conference at all...maybe it's because they have 11 schools. Can't people count? Unless you were pretty awful in shop class, ten would equal the number of digits combined on both of your hands. Of course, if you're still getting that wrong, maybe you belong in the Big 10. (I know I'll catch slack for that one...)

b) The Jayhawks are perennially a bad to mediocre football team. While a student, I went to the games because we got drunk first and wandered into the stadium. To our surprise there was a game going on.

c) Division I-A football has always had Bowl games serve as their "postseason", and therefore never been able to truly crown a National Champion.


**The Past**

So, how hard is it to just let the teams decide it on the field, you ask? Apparently, it's extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemely hard. After there were co-national champions in both 1990 & 1991, the NCAA decided to do something about it. So they started what was known as the Bowl Coalition (which lasted from 1992-1994). This was one of the most insane systems ever put in place. Just a summary of how it worked was that they took 8 teams and tried to place the top 2 against each other for the title. The 8 teams came from 5 conference champions, 2 runners-up from other conferences... and Notre Dame! Seriously. Somehow Notre Dame was always a part of the Bowl Coalition, no matter how good (or bad) their team was that year. Wha-Wha-WHAT?!

The entire idea of the Bowl Coalition could be summed up like this:

For a variety of reasons, the NCAA did away with the Bowl Coalition, and instead started the Bowl Alliance (1995-1997). For comparison's sake, if the Hoover Dam had a massive crack in it, the Bowl Coalition basically came along and tried to cover the crack with Band-Aids. When the Band-Aids didn't hold, the Bowl Alliance said, "Ah ha! I can fix the crack, because I know why the Band-Aids didn't work. You forgot to lick them!" Yeah, the Bowl Alliance was just as bad, this time involving 6 teams: 4 conference champions plus 2 at-large teams....oh yeah, and there were also special provisions for Notre Dame to get in. *sigh*

Wow, licking the Band-Aids didn't work either? Who woulda guessed?

So, in 1998 the NCAA went with a program called the Bowl Championship Series, or BCS, to determine the national champion. This system is still in use today so it must be all fixed, right? Uhhh no, not even close. The system has been wrought with controversy from the outset. You see, in every other sport the polls are simply a fun way to rank the top teams during the season...and that's all. The rankings don't really matter in other sports because a playoff system or tournament ends up deciding the national champion. But with the advent of the BCS, there is still no playoff system in college football and the Hoover Dam is bursting!


**The Present: Controversies of the BCS**

2000-2001 Season:
Oklahoma finshed the season undefeated and deserved to be in the National Championship game. But who should they play? The BCS chose Florida State, who only had one loss all season long. Easy enough, right? However, the Miami Hurricanse also had only one loss on the season...and not only that, Miami was the team that beat Florida State to give them their only loss!! So who did Miami's only loss come to? The Washington Huskies...and they, too, only had one loss all season long!! Mass confusion!! Florida State, Miami and Washington all had legitimate claims at the right to play Oklahoma for the Nat'l Title. But the BCS chose Florida State, and that was that. Miami & Washington??? Sorry....

2003-2004 Season:
An undefeated team is a pretty obvious choice to pick as one of the teams to play for the nat'l title. However, the '03-'04 season ended without anyone going undefeated. Oops! Even worse, SIX teams finished with only 1 loss on the year: Oklahoma, LSU, USC, Boise State, Miami Univ.(OH) and TCU. So how do you choose between them? Hmmm, what would the BCS do? Well, based upon who certain people thought were the two best teams, they chose LSU & Oklahoma to play for the title. Sounds fair, right? But USC was ranked #1 in both the AP & Coaches polls!

LSU ended up winning the BCS title game 21-14, so the Coaches Poll ranked LSU #1, making them the national champion...right?? Well, you tell me, because in the AP Poll, the sports writers kept USC in the #1 spot after they beat Michigan in the Rose Bowl. Ooooops! So now each poll had a different team ranked #1 at the end of the season.

So now there's not only the dispute between USC and LSU for who should truly be the national champion, but three other teams didn't even get a chance to play for it, despite having the same record. Buh.... Oh well, at least it can't get any stranger or more complicated than that, can it?

2004-2005 Season:
Ummmmmm. Yes it can. At the end of the season FIVE teams still remained undefeated. "Mother @&@%^*~@#," said the BCS. USC & Oklahoma were ranked #1 and #2 in the preseason polls, and by remaining undefeated throughout the season they were chosen to play in the BCS title game. But, Auburn, Boise State and Utah were also undefeated.

How in the world can you not give an undefeated team the chance to win a national championship? Because they weren't ranked high enough at the beginning of the season? How does that make any sense? Answer: it doesn't. But the BCS follwed that "logic" and crowned USC the national champion after they destroyed Oklahoma in the title game 55-19. However, Auburn and Utah both easily won their bowl games as well to also remain undefeated on the season. Three unbeaten teams, and only one nat'l champion???

How does that happen? It's outageous!!!! In fact it's barbaric! BARBARIC!! BARBARIC!!

Senator Robert Byrd getting emotional over Michael Vick's dogfighting scandal...it's funny no matter how many times you see it! (thanks to Reggie Newton, who showed me this clip.)

2006-2007 Season:
The season ended with two undefeated teams in the country. Phew! Nice and easy, right? Just let them play each other and it's winner take all! Ohio State was one of the unbeaten, and being ranked #1 in both polls they were a clear choice to play for the national championship. Boise State was the other unbeaten team, but since they don't play in a "BCS Conference" the BCS decided not to give them the shot at the title. There were four one-loss teams being considered instead: Louisville, Michigan, Wisconsin and Florida.

The BCS chose Florida to play Ohio State, and Florida won the game handily to claim the national championship. However, Boise State also won their bowl game to remain the ONLY undefeated team in college football that season. Yet sadly, they were not given the opportunity to even PLAY for the title. I don't need to tell you what I think that is...just ask Senator Byrd.


**The WHAT Bowl???**

So, what are we really holding on to tradition-wise? These games have been warped, become corporate-sponsored, and end up changing their names all the time or even going defunct. Ok, granted that these following games are a bit older, but they're still some of my favorite bowl-games that no longer even exist:

The Oil Bowl: played in Houston, TX from 1946-1947.
The Glass Bowl: played in Toledo, OH from 1946-1949.
The Cigar Bowl: played in Tampa, FL from 1947-1956.
The Salad Bowl: played in Phoenix, AZ from 1948-1952.
The Houston Bowl: aptly named, they played it in Houston, TX from 2000-2005...what I find funny is that this is the name they changed it to. It used be known as the game every little boy dreamed of one day playing in: The galleryfurniture.com Bowl.

And ironically enough, in Los Angeles, CA they hosted The Mercy Bowl in 1961 and 1971. Apparently mercy was only granted every 10 years...and then: NO MERCY!!!
"Strike first, strike hard, no mercy, sir!"


**The Future: A 16-Team Playoff System???**

As far as I can tell, it's not that difficult to figure out a playoff system, and there are many different scenarios that would work. After some discussions with Our Man In L.A., we've devised a pretty viable option that should keep everyone happy.

The regular season for most of college football ends this year on Nov. 24th. This puts the conference championship games on Dec. 1st. Let's give the teams two weeks to rest after that.

Selection Tuesday: Tuesday, Dec. 3rd
The Top 16 teams will be chosen for the 1st Round of the NCAA College Football Championship Series. 7 automatic bids plus 9 at-large bids.

6 of the automatic bids will be filled by the champions from the major conferences: Big 10, Big 12, Big East, ACC, SEC and Pac-10. The 7th automatic bid will be selected from the various champions of the mid-major conferences: Conference USA, Mountain West, Mid American, Western Athletic or Sun Belt. The 9 at-large bids as well as the seedings will be determined by a panel of NCAA representatives, much like the basketball tournament. As a rule, no more than 4 teams from one conference will be chosen....Also, any undefeated team automatically receives a bid to the playoffs. So if 2 mid-major teams go unbeaten, they both receive an automatic bid, and now there are only 8 at-large bids, keeping it still extremely fair.

ROUND ONE: Thursday, Dec. 13th - Saturday, Dec. 15th
For the sake of argument, let's look at who might be making up the field of 16 this season, as of October 21st:

Automatic Bids:
Big 10: Ohio State (8-0)
Big 12: Kansas (7-0)
Big East: South Florida (6-1)
ACC: Boston College (7-0)
SEC: LSU (7-1)
Pac-10: Arizona State (7-0)
(mid-major) WAC: Hawaii (7-0)

9 At-Large Bids:
As of right now, there are probably 18 teams that have a legitimate shot at grabbing one of the 9 bids. Of those, 7 stand out as definites: Oregon (6-1), USC (6-1), Florida (5-2), West Virginia (7-1), Missouri (6-1), Oklahoma (7-1), Virginia Tech (6-1). This leaves 2 open spots, with up to 9 teams fighting for them. Obviously there will be some difficult decisions to be made, but I would take Texas & Kentucky to fill out the bids.

The 16 teams will then be seeded, with the caveat that in each sub-bracket of 4, there will be no more than 1 team from each conference. So the field could very well look like this:

#1 Ohio State vs. #16 Hawaii
#8 Kansas vs. #9 USC

#4 Oklahoma vs. #13 Kentucky
#5 Arizona St. vs. #12 West Virginia

#3 LSU vs. #14 Virginia Tech
#6 Oregon vs. #11 Missouri

#2 Boston College vs. #15 Texas
#7 South Florida vs. #10 Florida

ROUND TWO: Saturday, Dec. 22nd
Eight teams remain from the 1st Round. Here in the 2nd Round is where we can start incorporating Bowl games into the playoff system.

The Fiesta Bowl gets the winners of the 1-16 and 8-9 games. Possible matchup: #1 Ohio State vs. #9 USC

The Chik-fil-A/Peach Bowl gets the winners of the 4-13 and 5-12 games. Possible matchup: #4 Oklahoma vs. #12 West Virginia

The Cotton Bowl gets the winners of the 3-14 and 6-11 games. Possible matchup: #3 LSU vs. #11 Missouri

The Gator Bowl gets the winners of the 2-15 and 7-10 games. Possible matchup: #2 Boston College vs. #10 Florida

ROUND THREE: The Final Four - January 1st, 2008
Just as it is now, the "Big 3" bowl games will represent the Final Four of college football on a rotating basis. Every year the championship game will switch between the Rose Bowl, Orange Bowl and Sugar Bowl. A very possible Final Four this season could be as such:

The Orange Bowl: #1 Ohio State vs. #4 Oklahoma
The Sugar Bowl: #3 LSU vs. #10 Florida

NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: January 8th, 2008
The Rose Bowl: #1 Ohio State vs. #3 LSU


**END RESULTS...**

The history of the bowl games has drawn excitement mainly from the alumni and fans of the two schools playing in each particular game. That, combined with the fact that it's a great tradition to have a bunch of bowl games to watch every January 1st, is the main draw. But, in a playoff system, wouldn't it have an even greater draw for some of these other bowl games if the teams playing in them were still fighting to be #1? Wouldn't it be an even bigger draw to the general public to watch the Peach Bowl if the winner moved on to the Final Four? Revenue-wise, it would be even bigger and better for the schools themselves and for the networks.

This playoff system gives all deserving teams a fair chance on the field to earn the crown of national champion, and also keeps in tact the tradition of the bowl games. However, the "tradition" of still being unsure that the team voted #1 at the end of the season is the true national champion... Yeah, that's a tradition I think we could do without.

Consider this: As it stands now in the BCS, it is the Coaches Poll at the end of the season that technically crowns the national champion. In fact, the poll is simply an opinion poll all season long....until the final one. Because in the final one the Coaches Poll is contractually obligated to vote the winner of the BCS Title game into the #1 spot. So basically the BCS is saying, "Of course the Coaches Poll is an opinion poll....But HERE'S your opinion!"

With the bowl games serving to accentuate the playoff system, everyone wins. The title gets decided on the field with all of the best teams playing for it. The way it should be.

Of course, now I just need to get the NCAA to listen to my proposal...does anyone have their phone number?

The Twilight Zone of Bartending Hangover Diaries

Kansas vs. Baylor in Lawrence, KS. KU won 58-10 to improve to 6-0 on the season.
****************************************

**The Twilight Zone**

Things may be coming to an end, folks. I don't mean to be an alarmist, but...VERY SOON THE WORLD IS GOING TO END IN A RAGING FIRE, CONSUMING ALL AND STRIKING DOWN THE WICKED!!

Ok, so maybe I'm slightly overreacting (a bit). But there certainly are some crazy things afoot in the world and it all hits home when I see that my beloved Kansas Jayhawks are ranked #15 in both the current AP & Coaches polls....ummm, no, not in basketball. But in football!! KU is also ranked #13 in the BCS Poll. Does this mean that the Jayhawks could win a national title in football before they do in basketball?? If only the drunk Wisconsin fan from my fishing trip (see the 'Fishing vs. Football' blog post) was here now. "Where is Kansas?" he asked. Well, right now we're 6-0 and wayyyyyy ahead of Wisonsin who is no longer even ranked. I don't know much, but I know that! This is why I love when people get into arguments over whose favorite team is better. You might as well be arguing what's really inside a tub of 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.' Then what the hell is it?!?!

When a KU football team becomes 6-0, ranked ahead of USC & Florida in the BCS poll, what kind of world are we living in? Is it the nexus of the universe, like Kramer on 'Seinfeld' when he found himself at the corner of 1st and 1st? Or are we in some kind of 'Twilight Zone' episode, like the one where little Anthony ruled the adults in his household with the fear of sending them into the cornfield?

(someone's nostalgic take on the Twilight Zone episode:)
"It's good what you done Anthony. It's real good."

**The Bartending Diaries...**

While I'm searching for stories to add into the blog I separate them into categories, and see where they naturally fall. Some of them are made for the "Hangover Havens" or "The Bartending Diaries"...or even "God in the News." But again, it's that Twilight Zone set of circumstances when the stories tend to fall into all 3!!

This past Saturday I bartended a party at this couple's house in Hinsdale. Upon walking into the house my first thought was that some little girl's Easy Bake Oven had just exploded. There wasn't a 6 square-inch spot on the wall, in any room of the house, that was left bare. Pictures, paintings, shelving with knick-knacks; rooms decorated like red-and-white checkered picnic blankets; doll-houses acted as the bases of coffee tables; glass-doored cabinets hung on the walls, and encased in them were 100s of tiny figurines: horses, dolphins...and even miniature glass-doored cabinets, which almost made me pass out trying to peer into infinity. Even in the bathroom I was afraid of which hand-towel I was supposed to use. There were 6 to choose from, hanging from little racks on the wall, all of them different colors. Luckily, they were all stitched with the word "Guest" on them. Phew! I'm not sure which hand-towels the owners of the house used, but I try not to think too hard on it. Still, I feared that if I stayed in this house for too long I would end up as just another figurine, lost in this crazy lady's house of organized trinkets.

The party at least turned out to be somewhat normal. They were only serving appetizers, so it seemed a bit odd that around 100 guests showed up - the ladies wearing cocktail dresses and the men were in suits and ties - as if it were a formal gathering. I felt as if I was at the 50-year reunion of a Young Republican's Club: everyone was old, white and - with the choices of an entire open bar - drinking copious amounts of white wine...yes, the men, too.

I suppose it could have been a lot worse, though. At least I didn't have any guests at this party approach me with the insane rantings that I heard while recently working a party on the northwest side of Chicago. This is where "The Bartending Diaries" meets "God in the News" and that's never a good combo, is it?

It was a backyard family party thrown for a kid who had just graduated high school. Or maybe it wasn't just a family party? I'm only assuming so because of the 40 people at the party the kid only invited 3 friends. Maybe that's all he had? I know that's sort of mean-spirited to suggest, but it did kind of make sense when I saw another young kid show up completely overdressed in a suit and tie. As I poured the guests their drinks I watched as the overdressed kid walked randomly up to people and asked them if they'd like to see a card trick. Whoa!! Nerd Alert!!

Now, if he had been attending Washington State University he might even have been purchased! That's right, there was talk of hosting a "Nerd Auction" for sorority girls. Ben Ford, president of the Linux Users Group at Washington State, was promoting the idea that:

"You can buy a nerd and he'll fix your computer, help you with stats homework, or if you're really adventurous, take you to dinner!"

...and perhaps ask if you've ever seen a certain card trick before. Chicks always fall for that! Now I don't know if this makes it better for the graduate or not, but as it turns out the suit-wearing kid was actually a magician hired for the event....of 40 people....at a high school graduation party. Yeah, a kid doing card tricks. Need I say more?

It was about an hour into the party when one of the older guests walked up and ordered a screwdriver. Easy enough, vodka and orange juice. I pour the vodka and when I reach for the OJ, that's when he turned into a true pleasure...

Guest: "Is that California orange juice or Florida orange juice?"

Shoes: "I really don't have any idea. It's Tropicana."

Guest: "Oh, that's California. I won't drink that."

Shoes: "I'm sorry?"

Guest: "Don't you know that California oranges are loaded with chemicals that are poisoning us? All of the produce that comes out of California is getting poisoned with these chemicals. If you eat just one, you're fine...but if you eat them for 20 years it builds up and it's killing people."

Shoes: "You're kidding, right?"

Guest: "This is all the truth. And you can't ask doctors about it, either."

Shoes: "Becaauussssse...?"

Guest: "The doctors all know about this. Look it up, it's fact. But there's nothing they can do about it, so they don't tell anyone."

Shoes: "About the oranges."

Guest: "Yes. It's fact. And you can't argue with fact. There's only one other thing you can't argue with, and it's fact, too. You know what that is?"

Shoes: "I'm kind of afraid to ask."

Guest: "The Bible."

Shoes: "Ah....Did you want, like, cranberry juice with the vodka then?"

Guest: "Sure. You know you can't argue with the Bible because it's fact." (He leans in towards me...) "Come here for a second."

Shoes: (I play along and lean in to hear him) "Here's your drink."

Guest: "Do you know who the last people are going to be getting into Heaven?"

Shoes: "I'm going to go out on a limb here, because I have a good idea where you're going with this....but I'm going to say me! I'm pretty sure I'll be the last one in."

Guest: "The Jews."

Shoes: (sighs heavily)

Guest: "You see, the Jews don't believe in Jesus Christ, and that's what gets you into Heaven."

Shoes: "That's it? Not even if I like save a bunch of kids' lives from a burning building on my way home tonight? That won't get me in?"

Guest: "It's in the Bible. And it's fact. You can't argue with fact."

Shoes: "No. I guess you can't."

I'm not lying here when I say that for the remainder of the night, this guest - who was maybe the kid's grandpa? or great-uncle? - sat by himself in the corner of the yard, drinking his vodka-cranberry. Everyone has the right to believe what they want to; however, I'm sorry, but since no one can claim to know with 100% certainty which religion is correct...or even if there is a God...then people need to stop condemning others to Hell. That's my new rule...especially in a bar, or a backyard. Or pretty much anywhere. All of the anti-Semitic remarks aside, I never bothered to ask him if he was sure that the cranberries in that juice he was drinking didn't also come from California. Oh, the irony! Well, if he was right about one thing it's that you can't argue with fact. And I think it's safe to assume that it's a fact that he probably didn't have 20 years left anyway to wait for the poisoned fruit to kill him. Now I'm not wishing him ill-will, but I was certainly hoping that the magician could make him disappear. But he couldn't...what a fraud!

**The Hangover Haven...God-Style!**

Now I don't know if this party guest woke up with a hangover or not, but I'm pretty sure that he didn't feel one bit sorry for the comments he made to me. In fact he probably thought he was saving me. How sweet of him - somebody should (or needs to). But at least he was pretty much confined to a backyard, and left to sit by himself with his thoughts. It gets worse when things are said by public figures.

"I SAID WHAT?!"

For those of you who don't know Ann Coulter, she's a very prominent, right-wing, ultra-Conservative columnist/author who spreads a wonderfully joyous message of good will, peace, prosperity and - above all - tolerance! Oh yes, she does so in her books. And you can tell how open-minded and well-balanced she is from the title of her new enlightening book If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans.

So, I guess it comes as a major, shocking surprise when Ann Coulter (or Coultergeist, as Keith Olbermann is prone to calling her) goes out to promote her book and just says the most insanely disrespectful and ludicrous things:


But it certainly helps her promote her book, that's for sure! Nothing like stirring up controversy in order to sell a few extra copies, and to make a few bucks. Now, I know that a lot of people have viewed her comments as anti-Semitic...and I'm not sure I entirely agree with that assessment. It's not so much that she hates Jews, or wants them killed, it's just that she's so blinded by her own elitist views that her capacity for tolerance is nil. She loves to talk of the country's founders and their ideals of freedom to practice any religion...but when called into action on that, she succumbs to the weakened view of 'I'm right and you're wrong...and I wish I could change you to make you more like me.' Trust me Ann: no one wants to be like you.

On top of all her superiority-complexes and elitist views, I still think my favorite part once again describes the fabric of these ultra-Conservatives to a T. Just as Laura Ingraham (as shown in "The Hangover Haven, Chapter 1") believes that the fictional television show '24' provides a referendum for the U.S. to torture people - seriously, she said that! - Ann Coulter takes to 'Seinfeld' to provide the evidence for her arguments:

Coulter: "You walk past a mixed-race couple in New York, and it's like they have a chip on their shoulder, waiting for somebody to say something, as if anybody would."

Donny Deutsch: "I don't agree with that at all. Maybe you have the chip looking at them, I don't know. I see a lot of inter-racial couples and I don't see any more or less chips there either way."

Coulter: "No. In fact there was an entire Seinfeld episode about Elaine and her boyfriend dating because they wanted to be a mixed-race couple. So you're lying."

Deutsch: "Oh, because it's in a Seinfeld episode. Ok."

She did come back on the program though, after the commercial break, trying to defend her comments...and only made herself look even worse:

Coulter explains herself

Isn't it bad enough that she apparently speaks for all Christians and says "We just want Jews to be perfected"? Nope! Not good enough for Coultergeist though. She then tries to defend her comments using (what to her is) rational thought. Her complete lack of self-awareness is amazing. Her unwavering belief that her's is the only opinion worth hearing and believing in is the epitomy of ignorance. And Deutsch nailed it when he called her on it:

Deutsch: "Your exact words were 'Jews need to be perfected.'"

Coulter: "No, I'm saying that's what a Christian is."

Deutsch: "Don't you see how hateful and anti-Semitic..."

Coulter: "Nooooooo."

Deutsch: "You're an educated woman."

Coulter: "That isn't hateful at alllll."

Deutsch: "Well, that's even a scarier thought."

Amen, brother!

But is any of it shocking? Didn't I warn you at the top of this post that the world is ending soon? This is the end of days people!! Things couldn't be crazier!! We're at the corner of 1st and 1st in New York City with Kramer!! The Kansas Jayhawks' football team is 6-0 and poised to make a run at a possible berth in a BCS bowl game. Dogs and cats...living together!! High school graduates are now hiring magicians to work the crowd at their parties. It's crazy bedlam!! We're in 'The Twilight Zone' people. And this must mean that we need to placate the lunatics in charge: "What you said was good Ann. Hating liberals and blacks and Jews is good...real good!!" It's mass hysteria!! Judgment Day cometh, and it cometh soon...eth.

And when the sooneth becomes now then all of the righteous believers will be saved, while everyone else will perish and spend eternity burning in Hell! And this has to be true...because people like the Pope, Ann Coulter and crazy old men who don't eat fruit from California say so!!

SO I TELL ALL OF YOU NOW, REPENT AND A-.......Wait. Sorry, what was that? The Cubs made the playoffs but lost? Oh. Right. Then, never mind all of that. Everything's fine and the world's normal. My bad.

New York, New York: A City So Nice They Named It Twice

(this photo has nothing to do with our trip to NY...I just thought I'd post a sunset pic from our honeymoon in Maui...)
********

Mrs. Shoes and I celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary last Sunday, October 7th. Figuring that we only had 6 years left in our marriage (if the proposed legislation in Germany ever catches on here that would make all marriages only last for 7 years, as highlighted in an earlier post of the Hangover Haven, chapter 1) we decided to take a 3-day weekend and head off to New York City. Since the traditional 1st anniversary gift is paper, I decided that plane tickets would be more practical than divorce papers. "Happy anniversary honey! These will save us so much time 6 years from now!" Oh, the romance. Yeah, plane tickets was a better decision.

On Friday, we boarded our flight to La Guardia airport, and not until we were seated were we informed that there would be about a 50-minute delay in taking off. Now, I've never understood why airlines decide to board planes anyway when they know these kinds of things. Can't they just board a little later, giving us time to finish another plate of chicken fingers from T.G.I. Friday's? (Speaking of which, we need better food in our airports - especially O'Hare.) Nevertheless, we arrived in New York and decided to play the first night by ear. Our hotel was on the east side of Midtown at the Sofitel on 44th. The concierge made reservations for us across the street at a little Italian restaurant and it was pretty good. I ordered veal scallopine because....well, come on, it's pretty fun to say "I'll have-a the veal scallopine."

From there we walked a while thru the city until we found a bar to sit down in for a drink. Then we moved on and found another, more lounge-ish place to have another cocktail. We stayed for awhile but then left around midnight as the shades were drawn closed and the lounge started to transform into a hip-hop nightclub. It seemed like fun, but my dancing skillz ain't what they used to be....well, let me re-phrase: in fact, they're exactly what they used to be. Which is the problem.

We woke up on Saturday knowing that the whole day was pretty much open to us. We wanted to grab some breakfast, see a museum, etc. So we headed up north towards Central Park and meandered up the east side of the Park only to realize that apparently people who live on the Upper East Side must never eat breakfast because there were absolutely zero places that opened before 11:00am ... Not even a Starbuck's. It took forever but we finally found a little diner, and honestly just the act of sitting down was as enjoyable as the pancakes and coffee. Then we made our way back to the Park and continued north up to the the Guggenheim Museum. The museum's unique concept takes a central theme and spreads out the art over 5-6 floors of the museum as visitors walk up a continuous wide spiral to reach the top, viewing the art along the way. Right now they are featuring the works of Richard Prince: an interesting guy, very modern, yet seems to love crappy old jokes. (He even incorporated the Abraham Lincoln one that I referenced in the Hangover Haven, Chapter 2.)

We walked back to the Park and made our way south. There really isn't anything else like Central Park and just walking in it is relaxing and fun. Not to mention it's a people-watching feast, and an 85-degree Saturday in October brings everyone outside! Finally we decided to try finding a little place in the Village called Pasti's. Mrs. Shoes had seen it featured in her Sex and the City shows so she was dying to try it out for a mid-afternoon lunch. A subway ride south, a walk west to 9th Ave and 12th and we finally found it. Luckily, it lived up to the hype: yeah, a couple of french martinis usually does the trick, not to mention fresh oysters and good food.

On our way back to the hotel we wandered past the HBO Store, and found a few items of interest: keeping with the Pasti's theme, a little Sex and the City shirt for Mrs. Shoes that says "I'll find my inner goddess if it kills me"; and a pint glass for Shoes from Curb Your Enthusiasm that explains Larry David perfectly - there's a blue line around the middle of the glass and it says "Half Empty" both above and below the line. Better yet, an employee of the store recommended a little sushi place to us for dinner that was within walking distance, Sushi Osaka on 8th Ave and 37th. The sushi was great and without any of the fanfare of crowded New York restaurants... in fact, for awhile we were the only two people sitting down. Usually, an empty restaurant is not a good sign, but for a place the locals enjoy, it was perfect.

Sunday, we woke up on our anniversary with an actual agenda for the day. To start, we were meeting Mrs. Shoes' friends Kevin and Frank back down in the Village for brunch. We ate at a little place called FoodBar on 8th Ave and 18th, and the breakfast was phenom. Again, maybe it was the really vodka'd-up bloody marys and the mimosas that helped but the food was Yum-Delish, too. Good food, good company, good times. Afterward, we jumped in a cab in order to make a 2pm matinee of the long-running musical Rent. It was good. I'm not sure it's as great as it's made out to be, but it's still very good - the 2nd Act is better than the 1st.

Afterwards, we fought the throngs of tourists in Times Square because Mrs. Shoes wanted to find a popcorn store that she was hoping was still there. Sure enough it was, up on 48th. Now, I do think that Times Square is certainly an interesting urban jungle, but it's become Disneyland. The crowds are killer and after you've seen it once, there's really no need at all to return. But alas, I was wrong again. Apparently, there is a need: chocolate-chunk popcorn.

Which brings us to dinner. We had made reservations at a steakhouse called Ben Benson's, up on 52nd. A little online research showed that it appeared to be a pretty nice place to eat. However, we walked into the restaurant at 6:45pm and right away something didn't seem quite right in Dodge. First of all, not that it effects the quality of food in the least, but steakhouses are usually dimly lit for atmosphere. This place was as bright as the Christmas Tree in Rockefeller Center. Strike One. We were taken to our table, which wasn't hard to get to since there were only 6 other people in the entire restaurant. Unlike the local sushi place, steakhouses are supposed to be busy and full of life...and patrons. Ben Benson's was just dead. Strike Two. We were given menus and noticed that not all of the items that appeared on the online menu really matched up with what was actually served: no lobster bisque, a fav of Mr. and Mrs. Shoes...and not even a ribeye steak. Two and a haaaaaaaalllllllllf. The waiter returned to ask if we wanted a glass of wine, and pretty much threw the wine menu at us. Since the menu was all by-the-bottle and we were just wanting a pre-dinner cocktail at that point, we asked if there was a menu for wine by-the-glass. The waiter basically said, "Yes, it's up on the wall....behind you....and behind that tall plant that you cannot see thru....or around....so you'll have to get up to see it." Strike Three. Yeah, we got up, told the waiter that we had changed our minds and left. Happy Anniversary!

Needing a new dinner plan, we walked south and found Del Frisco's, another steakhouse. I had eaten at the one in Las Vegas and it was muchos goodos. We looked at the menu, and it didn't strike us as overly impressive though. Plus there was a long wait, and we were getting hungry. So we left. Happy Anniversary!

You, uhhh, kinda get where this is going, right? So we called information to get the phone number for Spark's, a steakhouse that we ate at 2 years ago and loved. Once connected, there was a short conversation:

Spark's Employee: "Sparks Steakhouse."

Shoes: (thinking that this guy is very difficult to understand) "Hi. Where are you located?"

Spark's: (it's tough to decipher, but I can just make out him saying) "...On 46th, between 2nd and 3rd..."

Shoes: "Great. And do you have an opening for two people this evening if we walk in?"

Spark's: "Wfghr hyu#f0gfb yes fg povmrtqwe."

Shoes: "Ummmm..."

Mrs. Shoes: (off to the side) "What did he say?"

Shoes: "I don't exactly know, but I heard a 'yes' in there."

Sparks: "Huh?"

Shoes: "No, not you. Ok, thanks, we'll see you in a few minutes."

Sparks: "grjre *h6m^ls"

Well, it's kind of a hike from where we were, but the food is definitely worth the walk. "Should we cab it?" I ask. Naaaaah. So, we make our way over east and finally walk into the restaurant. Something seems amiss, as all of the chairs are propped up on top of the tables. Playing the role of Captain Obvious I ask someone, "Are you closed?" I mean, what kind of answer was I expecting? Yeah, apparently the hard-to-understand part of the phone conversation was actually the important part about them not being open on Sundays. Happy Anniversary!

At this point, it's just after eight o'clock and we both just want food. So we walk back west on 46th and pass a little Italian joint called Via Italiana. We're told by an old man (and, as it turns out, employee) that this is the best Italian food in New York. "I have lived here 25 years and this is the very best you'll find," he says. Um. It wasn't. To be fair, it wasn't bad... It just wasn't what we were hoping for in our meal that evening. Happy Anniversary!

So now we just want to grab some drinks on our last night in New York and we take the advice of our neighbors, Nicole and Chris, to visit Stone Rose, a bar in the Time Warner Building in the Columbus Circle. We cab it up there and it's actually a very sheek/shique/Shiek (spelling?) sort of bar/lounge and there's a fantastic view of the fountain thru the large windows. The martinis and drinks are typically priced for New York, but hey, where else can you get a mangomint mojito?? Our waitress tells us that we're a day late for star-watching though, as the previous night had Tommy Lee Jones and Holly Hunter in there....oh, and George Clooney was also recently in with his girlfriend. However, the only VIPs we saw were a few older ladies who appeared to be members of the Red Hat Club. But, the drinks were great, the atmosphere and view were very cool, and it was a very nice way to end an evening. Happy Anniversary!!!
*****
(And since we really don't have any pics to share with you from our trip to the Big Apple, I just figured we'd go back a year to the honeymoon in Maui - where we were both able to act like complete fools at a luau. See, here's Mrs. Shoes hangin' loose....)

(...and here's Shoes hoarding all the drinks at our table.)

Hangover Haven, Chapter 2

"Oh, no more yanky my wanky...
the Donger need food!"
***************************

And so Chapter II begins...

"I SAIDS WHATS?! "

There's a popular belief that Franklin D. Roosevelt may never have been elected as our 32nd President if there had been televised debates, because people would not have voted for a man in a wheelchair. The reverse of that claim surfaced when Nixon apparently lost his debates with John F. Kennedy because he looked like an awful sweating hog on television. If these theories hold any truth in them, then the question must be raised as to whether or not George W. Bush would ever have been elected President if not for televised debates. Just think of all the stumblings and bumblings that fall out of W's mouth... now imagine if the only medium to hear them in was radio! Would people ever have voted for a man with such a limited grasp on the spoken English word?

Yes, there are countless examples of these "Bushisms" as they're known. Such as this audio clip, or this one, or one of my personal favorites. Now, even though the human being and fish can coexist peacefully according to Bush, he still needs to learn that when speaking about literacy or the education of our children that he needs to exhibit at least a semblance of competent speaking himself. Which is what's so sad about his latest comment:

"Children's Do Learn." Yesums, me supposes they does.

Now as easily as these things are turned into "I Said What?!" hangover moments, it's not as simple to explain them all away. Like when Bush declared that Nelson Mandela was dead:

Even if he was trying to make an analogy, it was a horribly stupid one.

In fact, this ranks right up there with the completely innacurate reporting in 1991 on the death of legendary singer James Brown (see the clip below), when in fact James Brown was actually alive until earlier this year.


"I SAID WHAT?!"

A long time ago I remember hearing a pretty terrible joke:

"What did Abraham Lincoln say after he went on a 2-week drinking binge?" ..... "I freed who?!"

And while the concept of the Hangover Haven can be summed up in the "I Said What?!" style of that joke, it's the people who think that the joke holds any ring of truth to it that frighten me. Which brings me to the unbelievable article posted on the right-wing website Townhall.com written by former movie-critic Michael Medved titled "Six Inconvenient Truths About the U.S. and Slavery." This is truly shocking to read! It puts a whooole new spin on the phrase "When life hands you lemons, just make lemonade." No, I'm sorry Michael. Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that what you have in your hands are just that: lemons. They're sour and you can't squeeze a drinkable juice from them no matter how much sugar you add to it.

Here's one of the things that Medved wrote:

"...at least 97% of all African men, women and children who were kidnapped, sold, and taken from their homes, were sent somewhere other than the British colonies of North America. In this context there is no historical basis to claim that the United States bears primary, or even prominent guilt for the depredations of centuries of African slavery."

Ahhhhhh, the "but everyone was doing it" defense. I'm sure that kind of reasoning helped some of the Donner Party members sleep better at night, too. Of course, once they fell asleep they were then eaten.

Medved also wrote:

"SLAVERY EXISTED ONLY BRIEFLY, AND IN LIMITED LOCALES, IN THE HISTORY OF THE REPUBLIC – INVOLVING ONLY A TINY PERCENTAGE OF THE ANCESTORS OF TODAY’S AMERICANS."

First of all I'm not shouting at you - writing this in ALL CAPS was not an accident. This is actually how he wrote it in his article, as if making a very strong point. Worse than that, he followed up that "point" by writing:

"Even in the South, more than 80% of the white population never owned slaves. Given the fact that the majority of today’s non-black Americans descend from immigrants who arrived in this country after the War Between the States, only a tiny percentage of today’s white citizens – perhaps as few as 5% -- bear any authentic sort of generational guilt for the exploitation of slave labor."

I can't really fathom where Medved's going with this other than to suggest that all the people who owned slaves are dead....so we're square. Then it goes back to the ALL CAPS for Medved as he states the 3rd of his supposed "inconvenient truths":

"THOUGH BRUTAL, SLAVERY WASN’T GENOCIDAL: LIVE SLAVES WERE VALUABLE BUT DEAD CAPTIVES BROUGHT NO PROFIT."

Finally!!!! A defense that makes sense in terms of the conservative movement. Basically: ok, it was kind of brutal, I'll give you that one....but we tried not to KILL our slaves, because that would have dipped into our profits! So, it wasn't genocide. Hmmmm.... And it also wasn't mail fraud, so don't try pinning that on the slave owners, too!

Here is where I really wish that I could just move on and not have to post this last comment from Michael Medved, but it's one that just makes your jaw drop....obviously, it's posted in ALL CAPS as well:

"THERE IS NO REASON TO BELIEVE THAT TODAY’S AFRICAN-AMERICANS WOULD BE BETTER OFF IF THEIR ANCESTORS HAD REMAINED BEHIND IN AFRICA."

Ya See! Come on people, this is so clear! Fine, slavery was "bad". But if you're handed lemons, you just gotta make lemonade. We all know that to make lemonade you just need to add sugar to sweeten it. And I gotta be honest with you, the sugar needed to sweeten the lemons is a hell of a lot easier to produce if you've got slave labor harvesting the sugarcane. I'm just saying.

WOW! Apparently, this has to be the ultimate in ends-justifies-the-means arguments. (Of course the "means" in this case refers to kidnapping, human sales, the splintering of families, enslavement, beatings and more than 100 years of racial hatred and inequality, even after they were set "free".) But I do have a question about this: Isn't the ends-justifies-the-means argument usually only applied when the ends are a goal that you strive to achieve, no matter the means of how you reach that goal? Following this logic, is Michael really suggesting that slaves were brought here for labor, with the long-term goal of one day being set free so that their descendants could make a better life for themselves? Seriously?! It was all a big plan!!

So, in essence, slavery in the U.S. was actually just a For-the-Greater-Good kind of action? Mmmmmmm....who wants lemonade?!

"I SAID WHAT?!" (...or "SAY WHAT?!" )

Unfortunately, Medved isn't the only person who subscribes to a very warped and elitist view of the world. So, does it really come as a surprise when Bill O'Reilly gets caught making racist remarks? On his Sept. 19th radio broadcast he was talking about his recent dining experience with Al Sharpton at Sylvia's, a famous restaurant in Harlem. O'Reilly said that he:

“had a great time, and all the people up there are tremendously respectful,”

adding:

“I couldn’t get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia’s restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it’s run by blacks, primarily black patronship.”

Wow! Now how can that be taken as racist? In typical O'Reilly fashion he claims that his remarks were taken out of context. What a great Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card that is! Apparently, he feels that he can spout off any kind of remarks he wants to and then fall back on the time-proven: "When I said that, what I really meant was..."

And that makes sense, right? Shouldn't people always be given a chance to explain away their racist remarks, rather than face the consequences - and reality - of just being a racist? I mean, I'm sure O'Reilly has a perfectly good explanation for what he also said right after those remarks:

“There wasn’t one person in Sylvia’s who was screaming, ‘M-Fer, I want more iced tea.’ You know, I mean, everybody was — it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn’t any kind of craziness at all.”

Wow...What I think Bill O'Reilly MEANT to say was, "Who wants some M-Fing lemonade? It's sugary sweeeeeeeet."

Shoes' Funnies, Chapter 1: Ninjas, Desert and Kubrick

Bananas Foster: On Special at Denny's

********************************************

Contrary to popular belief, the world isn't really a strange place. It's the people living in the world that are strange. While I've never been one to believe that "normal" is the best way to go thru life, there always seems to be certain individuals who push the limits and just do some crazy sh*t that doesn't make sense....or maybe it does???

NINJAS!

If you're down on your luck, can't find a job and just need to pay the bills somehow, you might think of turning to crime. It's not pretty, recommended or even legal, but baby's gotta eat. So, you need to play to your skillz at this point. That's why two females in Kentucky robbed a gas station...dressed as ninjas!

If these girls are real ninjas then this might not even be the whole story. There were probably 10-20 other ninjas on the scene that weren't caught by the security camera, because we all know that ninjas are quick and stealthy. What we didn't know is that apparently ninjas also are chain-smokers and fans of Bingo, since what they stole were cigarettes and lottery tickets.

At first I didn't know how to feel about this whole story. So I decided to Ask a Ninja...and while this clip doesn't tell us anything about the gas station ninja-thieves, it does give us a glimpse into a ninja's relationship with physics (and is pretty damn funny for the first 1:35 of the clip):

"I need to hang up here longer than the 'theory of gravity' wants me to."

************************

I guess it just makes you wonder whether ninjas are more prevalent in the world than we believe. I mean, they could be killing people all over the place and we wouldn't ever suspect ninjas. Aren't they known for cutting off people's limbs with their swords? If so, then how can we be sure that the man who found a human leg in a smoker that he bought at an auction wasn't the work of ninjas? OK, I'm not even going to get into the question of who buys a smoker at an auction. ("Do-I-hear-twenty-twenty-twenty-dollars-it's-a-real-fine-smoker-I-got-twenty-dollars-do-I-hear-twenty-five-anyone-twenty-five-folks-we'll-even-throw-in-a-human-leg-for-free-ok-I-got-twenty-five-do-I-hear-thirty?") But you buy your smoker, bring it home, set it up in the backyard and prepare to have over a few friends... and then you open up the lid to find a human leg inside of it? "Ummm, honey, when I asked if you wanted a breast or a thigh, you could have just told me what you wanted..."

WHO'S UP FOR DESERT?

And speaking of cooking something up, I hope that those female ninjas actually hit the jackpot on one of those scratch-and-win lottery tickets that they stole. Because they're definitely going to need the cash if they want to have desert in Sri Lanka. The Fortress, a local Sri Lankan resort, has created a dish called "The Fortress Stilt Fisherman Indulgence" which they are touting as the world's most expensive desert. For the small price of $14,500.00 they say:

"The dessert is a gold leaf Italian cassata flavored with Irish cream, served with a mango and pomegranate compote and a champagne sabayon enlighten. [It] is decorated with a chocolate carving of a fisherman clinging to a stilt, an age old local fishing practice, and an 80 carat aquamarine stone."

I guess that the point of the desert is distraction. This way you can stare at a chocolate figure of an old guy fishing on stilts, and wonder why you just spent $14,500.00 on it, rather than continually asking yourself the more important question of "What the hell am I doing in Sri Lanka?!" And while they haven't actually sold one of these deserts yet, I hear that the bananas foster is delicious for $7.25.

As with everything, it all comes down to marketing. You can sell (or at least try to sell) anything in this world if you know how to market it - even an ungodly-priced desert. It's all in how you present it. Which brings me to one of the funniest clips on the internet I've ever seen. The power of editing can do wonders if you've ever thought of re-releasing Stanley Kubrick's film "The Shining" and this time marketing it as the Feel Good Movie of the Year!! Enjoy: